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The Innocents Abroad
CHAPTER VII
Mark Twain
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       _ Chapter 7
       A Tempest at Night--Spain and Africa on Exhibition--Greeting a Majestic
       Stranger--The Pillars of Hercules--The Rock of Gibraltar--Tiresome
       Repetition--"The Queen's Chair"--Serenity Conquered--Curiosities of
       the Secret Caverns--Personnel of Gibraltar--Some Odd Characters--A
       Private Frolic in Africa--Bearding a Moorish Garrison (without loss of
       life)--Vanity Rebuked--Disembarking in the Empire of Morocco
       A week of buffeting a tempestuous and relentless sea; a week of
       seasickness and deserted cabins; of lonely quarterdecks drenched with
       spray--spray so ambitious that it even coated the smokestacks thick with
       a white crust of salt to their very tops; a week of shivering in the
       shelter of the lifeboats and deckhouses by day and blowing suffocating
       "clouds" and boisterously performing at dominoes in the smoking room at
       night.
       And the last night of the seven was the stormiest of all. There was no
       thunder, no noise but the pounding bows of the ship, the keen whistling
       of the gale through the cordage, and the rush of the seething waters.
       But the vessel climbed aloft as if she would climb to heaven--then paused
       an instant that seemed a century and plunged headlong down again, as from
       a precipice. The sheeted sprays drenched the decks like rain. The
       blackness of darkness was everywhere. At long intervals a flash of
       lightning clove it with a quivering line of fire that revealed a heaving
       world of water where was nothing before, kindled the dusky cordage to
       glittering silver, and lit up the faces of the men with a ghastly luster!
       Fear drove many on deck that were used to avoiding the night winds and
       the spray. Some thought the vessel could not live through the night, and
       it seemed less dreadful to stand out in the midst of the wild tempest and
       see the peril that threatened than to be shut up in the sepulchral
       cabins, under the dim lamps, and imagine the horrors that were abroad on
       the ocean. And once out--once where they could see the ship struggling
       in the strong grasp of the storm--once where they could hear the shriek
       of the winds and face the driving spray and look out upon the majestic
       picture the lightnings disclosed, they were prisoners to a fierce
       fascination they could not resist, and so remained. It was a wild night
       --and a very, very long one.
       Everybody was sent scampering to the deck at seven o'clock this lovely
       morning of the thirtieth of June with the glad news that land was in
       sight! It was a rare thing and a joyful, to see all the ship's family
       abroad once more, albeit the happiness that sat upon every countenance
       could only partly conceal the ravages which that long siege of storms had
       wrought there. But dull eyes soon sparkled with pleasure, pallid cheeks
       flushed again, and frames weakened by sickness gathered new life from the
       quickening influences of the bright, fresh morning. Yea, and from a
       still more potent influence: the worn castaways were to see the blessed
       land again!--and to see it was to bring back that motherland that was in
       all their thoughts.
       Within the hour we were fairly within the Straits of Gibraltar, the tall
       yellow-splotched hills of Africa on our right, with their bases veiled in
       a blue haze and their summits swathed in clouds--the same being according
       to Scripture, which says that "clouds and darkness are over the land."
       The words were spoken of this particular portion of Africa, I believe.
       On our left were the granite-ribbed domes of old Spain. The strait is
       only thirteen miles wide in its narrowest part.
       At short intervals along the Spanish shore were quaint-looking old stone
       towers--Moorish, we thought--but learned better afterwards. In former
       times the Morocco rascals used to coast along the Spanish Main in their
       boats till a safe opportunity seemed to present itself, and then dart in
       and capture a Spanish village and carry off all the pretty women they
       could find. It was a pleasant business, and was very popular. The
       Spaniards built these watchtowers on the hills to enable them to keep a
       sharper lookout on the Moroccan speculators.
       The picture on the other hand was very beautiful to eyes weary of the
       changeless sea, and by and by the ship's company grew wonderfully
       cheerful. But while we stood admiring the cloud-capped peaks and the
       lowlands robed in misty gloom a finer picture burst upon us and chained
       every eye like a magnet--a stately ship, with canvas piled on canvas till
       she was one towering mass of bellying sail! She came speeding over the
       sea like a great bird. Africa and Spain were forgotten. All homage was
       for the beautiful stranger. While everybody gazed she swept superbly by
       and flung the Stars and Stripes to the breeze! Quicker than thought,
       hats and handkerchiefs flashed in the air, and a cheer went up! She was
       beautiful before--she was radiant now. Many a one on our decks knew then
       for the first time how tame a sight his country's flag is at home
       compared to what it is in a foreign land. To see it is to see a vision
       of home itself and all its idols, and feel a thrill that would stir a
       very river of sluggish blood!
       We were approaching the famed Pillars of Hercules, and already the
       African one, "Ape's Hill," a grand old mountain with summit streaked with
       granite ledges, was in sight. The other, the great Rock of Gibraltar,
       was yet to come. The ancients considered the Pillars of Hercules the
       head of navigation and the end of the world. The information the
       ancients didn't have was very voluminous. Even the prophets wrote book
       after book and epistle after epistle, yet never once hinted at the
       existence of a great continent on our side of the water; yet they must
       have known it was there, I should think.
       In a few moments a lonely and enormous mass of rock, standing seemingly
       in the center of the wide strait and apparently washed on all sides by
       the sea, swung magnificently into view, and we needed no tedious traveled
       parrot to tell us it was Gibraltar. There could not be two rocks like
       that in one kingdom.
       The Rock of Gibraltar is about a mile and a half long, I should say, by
       1,400 to 1,500 feet high, and a quarter of a mile wide at its base. One
       side and one end of it come about as straight up out of the sea as the
       side of a house, the other end is irregular and the other side is a steep
       slant which an army would find very difficult to climb. At the foot of
       this slant is the walled town of Gibraltar--or rather the town occupies
       part of the slant. Everywhere--on hillside, in the precipice, by the
       sea, on the heights--everywhere you choose to look, Gibraltar is clad
       with masonry and bristling with guns. It makes a striking and lively
       picture from whatsoever point you contemplate it. It is pushed out into
       the sea on the end of a flat, narrow strip of land, and is suggestive of
       a "gob" of mud on the end of a shingle. A few hundred yards of this flat
       ground at its base belongs to the English, and then, extending across the
       strip from the Atlantic to the Mediterranean, a distance of a quarter of
       a mile, comes the "Neutral Ground," a space two or three hundred yards
       wide, which is free to both parties.
       "Are you going through Spain to Paris?" That question was bandied about
       the ship day and night from Fayal to Gibraltar, and I thought I never
       could get so tired of hearing any one combination of words again or more
       tired of answering, "I don't know." At the last moment six or seven had
       sufficient decision of character to make up their minds to go, and did
       go, and I felt a sense of relief at once--it was forever too late now and
       I could make up my mind at my leisure not to go. I must have a
       prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to
       make it up.
       But behold how annoyances repeat themselves. We had no sooner gotten rid
       of the Spain distress than the Gibraltar guides started another--a
       tiresome repetition of a legend that had nothing very astonishing about
       it, even in the first place: "That high hill yonder is called the Queen's
       Chair; it is because one of the queens of Spain placed her chair there
       when the French and Spanish troops were besieging Gibraltar, and said she
       would never move from the spot till the English flag was lowered from the
       fortresses. If the English hadn't been gallant enough to lower the flag
       for a few hours one day, she'd have had to break her oath or die up
       there."
       We rode on asses and mules up the steep, narrow streets and entered the
       subterranean galleries the English have blasted out in the rock. These
       galleries are like spacious railway tunnels, and at short intervals in
       them great guns frown out upon sea and town through portholes five or six
       hundred feet above the ocean. There is a mile or so of this subterranean
       work, and it must have cost a vast deal of money and labor. The gallery
       guns command the peninsula and the harbors of both oceans, but they might
       as well not be there, I should think, for an army could hardly climb the
       perpendicular wall of the rock anyhow. Those lofty portholes afford
       superb views of the sea, though. At one place, where a jutting crag was
       hollowed out into a great chamber whose furniture was huge cannon and
       whose windows were portholes, a glimpse was caught of a hill not far
       away, and a soldier said:
       "That high hill yonder is called the Queen's Chair; it is because a queen
       of Spain placed her chair there once when the French and Spanish troops
       were besieging Gibraltar, and said she would never move from the spot
       till the English flag was lowered from the fortresses. If the English
       hadn't been gallant enough to lower the flag for a few hours one day,
       she'd have had to break her oath or die up there."
       On the topmost pinnacle of Gibraltar we halted a good while, and no doubt
       the mules were tired. They had a right to be. The military road was
       good, but rather steep, and there was a good deal of it. The view from
       the narrow ledge was magnificent; from it vessels seeming like the
       tiniest little toy boats were turned into noble ships by the telescopes,
       and other vessels that were fifty miles away and even sixty, they said,
       and invisible to the naked eye, could be clearly distinguished through
       those same telescopes. Below, on one side, we looked down upon an
       endless mass of batteries and on the other straight down to the sea.
       While I was resting ever so comfortably on a rampart, and cooling my
       baking head in the delicious breeze, an officious guide belonging to
       another party came up and said:
       "Senor, that high hill yonder is called the Queen's Chair--"
       "Sir, I am a helpless orphan in a foreign land. Have pity on me. Don't
       --now don't inflict that most in-FERNAL old legend on me anymore today!"
       There--I had used strong language after promising I would never do so
       again; but the provocation was more than human nature could bear. If you
       had been bored so, when you had the noble panorama of Spain and Africa
       and the blue Mediterranean spread abroad at your feet, and wanted to gaze
       and enjoy and surfeit yourself in its beauty in silence, you might have
       even burst into stronger language than I did.
       Gibraltar has stood several protracted sieges, one of them of nearly four
       years' duration (it failed), and the English only captured it by
       stratagem. The wonder is that anybody should ever dream of trying so
       impossible a project as the taking it by assault--and yet it has been
       tried more than once.
       The Moors held the place twelve hundred years ago, and a staunch old
       castle of theirs of that date still frowns from the middle of the town,
       with moss-grown battlements and sides well scarred by shots fired in
       battles and sieges that are forgotten now. A secret chamber in the rock
       behind it was discovered some time ago, which contained a sword of
       exquisite workmanship, and some quaint old armor of a fashion that
       antiquaries are not acquainted with, though it is supposed to be Roman.
       Roman armor and Roman relics of various kinds have been found in a cave
       in the sea extremity of Gibraltar; history says Rome held this part of
       the country about the Christian era, and these things seem to confirm the
       statement.
       In that cave also are found human bones, crusted with a very thick, stony
       coating, and wise men have ventured to say that those men not only lived
       before the flood, but as much as ten thousand years before it. It may be
       true--it looks reasonable enough--but as long as those parties can't vote
       anymore, the matter can be of no great public interest. In this cave
       likewise are found skeletons and fossils of animals that exist in every
       part of Africa, yet within memory and tradition have never existed in any
       portion of Spain save this lone peak of Gibraltar! So the theory is that
       the channel between Gibraltar and Africa was once dry land, and that the
       low, neutral neck between Gibraltar and the Spanish hills behind it was
       once ocean, and of course that these African animals, being over at
       Gibraltar (after rock, perhaps--there is plenty there), got closed out
       when the great change occurred. The hills in Africa, across the channel,
       are full of apes, and there are now and always have been apes on the rock
       of Gibraltar--but not elsewhere in Spain! The subject is an interesting
       one.
       There is an English garrison at Gibraltar of 6,000 or 7,000 men, and so
       uniforms of flaming red are plenty; and red and blue, and undress
       costumes of snowy white, and also the queer uniform of the bare-kneed
       Highlander; and one sees soft-eyed Spanish girls from San Roque, and
       veiled Moorish beauties (I suppose they are beauties) from Tarifa, and
       turbaned, sashed, and trousered Moorish merchants from Fez, and long-
       robed, bare-legged, ragged Muhammadan vagabonds from Tetuan and Tangier,
       some brown, some yellow and some as black as virgin ink--and Jews from
       all around, in gabardine, skullcap, and slippers, just as they are in
       pictures and theaters, and just as they were three thousand years ago, no
       doubt. You can easily understand that a tribe (somehow our pilgrims
       suggest that expression, because they march in a straggling procession
       through these foreign places with such an Indian-like air of complacency
       and independence about them) like ours, made up from fifteen or sixteen
       states of the Union, found enough to stare at in this shifting panorama
       of fashion today.
       Speaking of our pilgrims reminds me that we have one or two people among
       us who are sometimes an annoyance. However, I do not count the Oracle in
       that list. I will explain that the Oracle is an innocent old ass who
       eats for four and looks wiser than the whole Academy of France would have
       any right to look, and never uses a one-syllable word when he can think
       of a longer one, and never by any possible chance knows the meaning of
       any long word he uses or ever gets it in the right place; yet he will
       serenely venture an opinion on the most abstruse subject and back it up
       complacently with quotations from authors who never existed, and finally
       when cornered will slide to the other side of the question, say he has
       been there all the time, and come back at you with your own spoken
       arguments, only with the big words all tangled, and play them in your
       very teeth as original with himself. He reads a chapter in the
       guidebooks, mixes the facts all up, with his bad memory, and then goes
       off to inflict the whole mess on somebody as wisdom which has been
       festering in his brain for years and which he gathered in college from
       erudite authors who are dead now and out of print. This morning at
       breakfast he pointed out of the window and said:
       "Do you see that there hill out there on that African coast? It's one of
       them Pillows of Herkewls, I should say--and there's the ultimate one
       alongside of it."
       "The ultimate one--that is a good word--but the pillars are not both on
       the same side of the strait." (I saw he had been deceived by a
       carelessly written sentence in the guidebook.)
       "Well, it ain't for you to say, nor for me. Some authors states it that
       way, and some states it different. Old Gibbons don't say nothing about
       it--just shirks it complete--Gibbons always done that when he got stuck--
       but there is Rolampton, what does he say? Why, be says that they was
       both on the same side, and Trinculian, and Sobaster, and Syraccus, and
       Langomarganbl----"
       "Oh, that will do--that's enough. If you have got your hand in for
       inventing authors and testimony, I have nothing more to say--let them be
       on the same side."
       We don't mind the Oracle. We rather like him. We can tolerate the
       Oracle very easily, but we have a poet and a good-natured enterprising
       idiot on board, and they do distress the company. The one gives copies
       of his verses to consuls, commanders, hotel keepers, Arabs, Dutch--to
       anybody, in fact, who will submit to a grievous infliction most kindly
       meant. His poetry is all very well on shipboard, notwithstanding when he
       wrote an "Ode to the Ocean in a Storm" in one half hour, and an
       "Apostrophe to the Rooster in the Waist of the Ship" in the next, the
       transition was considered to be rather abrupt; but when he sends an
       invoice of rhymes to the Governor of Fayal and another to the commander
       in chief and other dignitaries in Gibraltar with the compliments of the
       Laureate of the Ship, it is not popular with the passengers.
       The other personage I have mentioned is young and green, and not bright,
       not learned, and not wise. He will be, though, someday if he recollects
       the answers to all his questions. He is known about the ship as the
       "Interrogation Point," and this by constant use has become shortened to
       "Interrogation." He has distinguished himself twice already. In Fayal
       they pointed out a hill and told him it was 800 feet high and 1,100 feet
       long. And they told him there was a tunnel 2,000 feet long and 1,000
       feet high running through the hill, from end to end. He believed it. He
       repeated it to everybody, discussed it, and read it from his notes.
       Finally, he took a useful hint from this remark, which a thoughtful old
       pilgrim made:
       "Well, yes, it is a little remarkable--singular tunnel altogether--stands
       up out of the top of the hill about two hundred feet, and one end of it
       sticks out of the hill about nine hundred!"
       Here in Gibraltar he corners these educated British officers and badgers
       them with braggadocio about America and the wonders she can perform! He
       told one of them a couple of our gunboats could come here and knock
       Gibraltar into the Mediterranean Sea!
       At this present moment half a dozen of us are taking a private pleasure
       excursion of our own devising. We form rather more than half the list of
       white passengers on board a small steamer bound for the venerable Moorish
       town of Tangier, Africa. Nothing could be more absolutely certain than
       that we are enjoying ourselves. One can not do otherwise who speeds over
       these sparkling waters and breathes the soft atmosphere of this sunny
       land. Care cannot assail us here. We are out of its jurisdiction.
       We even steamed recklessly by the frowning fortress of Malabat
       (a stronghold of the Emperor of Morocco) without a twinge of fear.
       The whole garrison turned out under arms and assumed a threatening
       attitude--yet still we did not fear. The entire garrison marched and
       counter-marched within the rampart, in full view--yet notwithstanding
       even this, we never flinched.
       I suppose we really do not know what fear is. I inquired the name of the
       garrison of the fortress of Malabat, and they said it was Mehemet Ali Ben
       Sancom. I said it would be a good idea to get some more garrisons to
       help him; but they said no, he had nothing to do but hold the place, and
       he was competent to do that, had done it two years already. That was
       evidence which one could not well refute. There is nothing like
       reputation.
       Every now and then my glove purchase in Gibraltar last night intrudes
       itself upon me. Dan and the ship's surgeon and I had been up to the
       great square, listening to the music of the fine military bands and
       contemplating English and Spanish female loveliness and fashion, and at
       nine o'clock were on our way to the theater, when we met the General, the
       Judge, the Commodore, the Colonel, and the Commissioner of the United
       States of America to Europe, Asia, and Africa, who had been to the Club
       House to register their several titles and impoverish the bill of fare;
       and they told us to go over to the little variety store near the Hall of
       Justice and buy some kid gloves. They said they were elegant and very
       moderate in price. It seemed a stylish thing to go to the theater in kid
       gloves, and we acted upon the hint. A very handsome young lady in the
       store offered me a pair of blue gloves. I did not want blue, but she
       said they would look very pretty on a hand like mine. The remark touched
       me tenderly. I glanced furtively at my hand, and somehow it did seem
       rather a comely member. I tried a glove on my left and blushed a little.
       Manifestly the size was too small for me. But I felt gratified when she
       said:
       "Oh, it is just right!" Yet I knew it was no such thing.
       I tugged at it diligently, but it was discouraging work. She said:
       "Ah! I see you are accustomed to wearing kid gloves--but some gentlemen
       are so awkward about putting them on."
       It was the last compliment I had expected. I only understand putting on
       the buckskin article perfectly. I made another effort and tore the glove
       from the base of the thumb into the palm of the hand--and tried to hide
       the rent. She kept up her compliments, and I kept up my determination to
       deserve them or die:
       "Ah, you have had experience! [A rip down the back of the hand.] They
       are just right for you--your hand is very small--if they tear you need
       not pay for them. [A rent across the middle.] I can always tell when a
       gentleman understands putting on kid gloves. There is a grace about it
       that only comes with long practice." The whole after-guard of the glove
       "fetched away," as the sailors say, the fabric parted across the
       knuckles, and nothing was left but a melancholy ruin.
       I was too much flattered to make an exposure and throw the merchandise on
       the angel's hands. I was hot, vexed, confused, but still happy; but I
       hated the other boys for taking such an absorbing interest in the
       proceedings. I wished they were in Jericho. I felt exquisitely mean
       when I said cheerfully:
       "This one does very well; it fits elegantly. I like a glove that fits.
       No, never mind, ma'am, never mind; I'll put the other on in the street.
       It is warm here."
       It was warm. It was the warmest place I ever was in. I paid the bill,
       and as I passed out with a fascinating bow I thought I detected a light
       in the woman's eye that was gently ironical; and when I looked back from
       the street, and she was laughing all to herself about something or other,
       I said to myself with withering sarcasm, "Oh, certainly; you know how to
       put on kid gloves, don't you? A self-complacent ass, ready to be
       flattered out of your senses by every petticoat that chooses to take the
       trouble to do it!"
       The silence of the boys annoyed me. Finally Dan said musingly:
       "Some gentlemen don't know how to put on kid gloves at all, but some do."
       And the doctor said (to the moon, I thought):
       "But it is always easy to tell when a gentleman is used to putting on kid
       gloves."
       Dan soliloquized after a pause:
       "Ah, yes; there is a grace about it that only comes with long, very long
       practice."
       "Yes, indeed, I've noticed that when a man hauls on a kid glove like he
       was dragging a cat out of an ash hole by the tail, he understands putting
       on kid gloves; he's had ex--"
       "Boys, enough of a thing's enough! You think you are very smart, I
       suppose, but I don't. And if you go and tell any of those old gossips in
       the ship about this thing, I'll never forgive you for it; that's all."
       They let me alone then for the time being. We always let each other
       alone in time to prevent ill feeling from spoiling a joke. But they had
       bought gloves, too, as I did. We threw all the purchases away together
       this morning. They were coarse, unsubstantial, freckled all over with
       broad yellow splotches, and could neither stand wear nor public
       exhibition. We had entertained an angel unawares, but we did not take
       her in. She did that for us.
       Tangier! A tribe of stalwart Moors are wading into the sea to carry us
       ashore on their backs from the small boats. _