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The Innocents Abroad
CHAPTER XLI
Mark Twain
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       _ Chapter 41 - Vandalism Prohibited--Angry Pilgrims--Approaching Holy Land!--The "Shrill
       Note of Preparation"--Distress About Dragomans and Transportation--
       The "Long Route" Adopted--In Syria--Something about Beirout--A Choice
       Specimen of a Greek "Ferguson"--Outfits--Hideous Horseflesh--Pilgrim
       "Style"--What of Aladdin's Lamp?
       When I last made a memorandum, we were at Ephesus. We are in Syria, now,
       encamped in the mountains of Lebanon. The interregnum has been long,
       both as to time and distance. We brought not a relic from Ephesus!
       After gathering up fragments of sculptured marbles and breaking ornaments
       from the interior work of the Mosques; and after bringing them at a cost
       of infinite trouble and fatigue, five miles on muleback to the railway
       depot, a government officer compelled all who had such things to
       disgorge! He had an order from Constantinople to look out for our party,
       and see that we carried nothing off. It was a wise, a just, and a well-
       deserved rebuke, but it created a sensation. I never resist a temptation
       to plunder a stranger's premises without feeling insufferably vain about
       it. This time I felt proud beyond expression. I was serene in the midst
       of the scoldings that were heaped upon the Ottoman government for its
       affront offered to a pleasuring party of entirely respectable gentlemen
       and ladies I said, "We that have free souls, it touches us not." The
       shoe not only pinched our party, but it pinched hard; a principal
       sufferer discovered that the imperial order was inclosed in an envelop
       bearing the seal of the British Embassy at Constantinople, and therefore
       must have been inspired by the representative of the Queen. This was
       bad--very bad. Coming solely from the Ottomans, it might have signified
       only Ottoman hatred of Christians, and a vulgar ignorance as to genteel
       methods of expressing it; but coming from the Christianized, educated,
       politic British legation, it simply intimated that we were a sort of
       gentlemen and ladies who would bear watching! So the party regarded it,
       and were incensed accordingly. The truth doubtless was, that the same
       precautions would have been taken against any travelers, because the
       English Company who have acquired the right to excavate Ephesus, and have
       paid a great sum for that right, need to be protected, and deserve to be.
       They can not afford to run the risk of having their hospitality abused by
       travelers, especially since travelers are such notorious scorners of
       honest behavior.
       We sailed from Smyrna, in the wildest spirit of expectancy, for the chief
       feature, the grand goal of the expedition, was near at hand--we were
       approaching the Holy Land! Such a burrowing into the hold for trunks
       that had lain buried for weeks, yes for months; such a hurrying to and
       fro above decks and below; such a riotous system of packing and
       unpacking; such a littering up of the cabins with shirts and skirts, and
       indescribable and unclassable odds and ends; such a making up of bundles,
       and setting apart of umbrellas, green spectacles and thick veils; such a
       critical inspection of saddles and bridles that had never yet touched
       horses; such a cleaning and loading of revolvers and examining of bowie-
       knives; such a half-soling of the seats of pantaloons with serviceable
       buckskin; then such a poring over ancient maps; such a reading up of
       Bibles and Palestine travels; such a marking out of routes; such
       exasperating efforts to divide up the company into little bands of
       congenial spirits who might make the long and arduous Journey without
       quarreling; and morning, noon and night, such mass-meetings in the
       cabins, such speech-making, such sage suggesting, such worrying and
       quarreling, and such a general raising of the very mischief, was never
       seen in the ship before!
       But it is all over now. We are cut up into parties of six or eight, and
       by this time are scattered far and wide. Ours is the only one, however,
       that is venturing on what is called "the long trip"--that is, out into
       Syria, by Baalbec to Damascus, and thence down through the full length of
       Palestine. It would be a tedious, and also a too risky journey, at this
       hot season of the year, for any but strong, healthy men, accustomed
       somewhat to fatigue and rough life in the open air. The other parties
       will take shorter journeys.
       For the last two months we have been in a worry about one portion of this
       Holy Land pilgrimage. I refer to transportation service. We knew very
       well that Palestine was a country which did not do a large passenger
       business, and every man we came across who knew any thing about it gave
       us to understand that not half of our party would be able to get dragomen
       and animals. At Constantinople every body fell to telegraphing the
       American Consuls at Alexandria and Beirout to give notice that we wanted
       dragomen and transportation. We were desperate--would take horses,
       jackasses, cameleopards, kangaroos--any thing. At Smyrna, more
       telegraphing was done, to the same end. Also fearing for the worst, we
       telegraphed for a large number of seats in the diligence for Damascus,
       and horses for the ruins of Baalbec.
       As might have been expected, a notion got abroad in Syria and Egypt that
       the whole population of the Province of America (the Turks consider us a
       trifling little province in some unvisited corner of the world,) were
       coming to the Holy Land--and so, when we got to Beirout yesterday, we
       found the place full of dragomen and their outfits. We had all intended
       to go by diligence to Damascus, and switch off to Baalbec as we went
       along--because we expected to rejoin the ship, go to Mount Carmel, and
       take to the woods from there. However, when our own private party of
       eight found that it was possible, and proper enough, to make the "long
       trip," we adopted that programme. We have never been much trouble to a
       Consul before, but we have been a fearful nuisance to our Consul at
       Beirout. I mention this because I can not help admiring his patience,
       his industry, and his accommodating spirit. I mention it also, because I
       think some of our ship's company did not give him as full credit for his
       excellent services as he deserved.
       Well, out of our eight, three were selected to attend to all business
       connected with the expedition. The rest of us had nothing to do but look
       at the beautiful city of Beirout, with its bright, new houses nestled
       among a wilderness of green shrubbery spread abroad over an upland that
       sloped gently down to the sea; and also at the mountains of Lebanon that
       environ it; and likewise to bathe in the transparent blue water that
       rolled its billows about the ship (we did not know there were sharks
       there.) We had also to range up and down through the town and look at the
       costumes. These are picturesque and fanciful, but not so varied as at
       Constantinople and Smyrna; the women of Beirout add an agony--in the two
       former cities the sex wear a thin veil which one can see through (and
       they often expose their ancles,) but at Beirout they cover their entire
       faces with dark-colored or black veils, so that they look like mummies,
       and then expose their breasts to the public. A young gentleman (I
       believe he was a Greek,) volunteered to show us around the city, and said
       it would afford him great pleasure, because he was studying English and
       wanted practice in that language. When we had finished the rounds,
       however, he called for remuneration--said he hoped the gentlemen would
       give him a trifle in the way of a few piastres (equivalent to a few five
       cent pieces.) We did so. The Consul was surprised when he heard it, and
       said he knew the young fellow's family very well, and that they were an
       old and highly respectable family and worth a hundred and fifty thousand
       dollars! Some people, so situated, would have been ashamed of the berth
       he had with us and his manner of crawling into it.
       At the appointed time our business committee reported, and said all
       things were in readdress--that we were to start to-day, with horses, pack
       animals, and tents, and go to Baalbec, Damascus, the Sea of Tiberias, and
       thence southward by the way of the scene of Jacob's Dream and other
       notable Bible localities to Jerusalem--from thence probably to the Dead
       Sea, but possibly not--and then strike for the ocean and rejoin the ship
       three or four weeks hence at Joppa; terms, five dollars a day apiece, in
       gold, and every thing to be furnished by the dragoman. They said we
       would lie as well as at a hotel. I had read something like that before,
       and did not shame my judgment by believing a word of it. I said nothing,
       however, but packed up a blanket and a shawl to sleep in, pipes and
       tobacco, two or three woollen shirts, a portfolio, a guide-book, and a
       Bible. I also took along a towel and a cake of soap, to inspire respect
       in the Arabs, who would take me for a king in disguise.
       We were to select our horses at 3 P.M. At that hour Abraham, the
       dragoman, marshaled them before us. With all solemnity I set it down
       here, that those horses were the hardest lot I ever did come across, and
       their accoutrements were in exquisite keeping with their style. One
       brute had an eye out; another had his tail sawed off close, like a
       rabbit, and was proud of it; another had a bony ridge running from his
       neck to his tail, like one of those ruined aqueducts one sees about Rome,
       and had a neck on him like a bowsprit; they all limped, and had sore
       backs, and likewise raw places and old scales scattered about their
       persons like brass nails in a hair trunk; their gaits were marvelous to
       contemplate, and replete with variety under way the procession looked
       like a fleet in a storm. It was fearful. Blucher shook his head and
       said:
       "That dragon is going to get himself into trouble fetching these old
       crates out of the hospital the way they are, unless he has got a permit."
       I said nothing. The display was exactly according to the guide-book, and
       were we not traveling by the guide-book? I selected a certain horse
       because I thought I saw him shy, and I thought that a horse that had
       spirit enough to shy was not to be despised.
       At 6 o'clock P.M., we came to a halt here on the breezy summit of a
       shapely mountain overlooking the sea, and the handsome valley where dwelt
       some of those enterprising Phoenicians of ancient times we read so much
       about; all around us are what were once the dominions of Hiram, King of
       Tyre, who furnished timber from the cedars of these Lebanon hills to
       build portions of King Solomon's Temple with.
       Shortly after six, our pack train arrived. I had not seen it before, and
       a good right I had to be astonished. We had nineteen serving men and
       twenty-six pack mules! It was a perfect caravan. It looked like one,
       too, as it wound among the rocks. I wondered what in the very mischief
       we wanted with such a vast turn-out as that, for eight men. I wondered
       awhile, but soon I began to long for a tin plate, and some bacon and
       beans. I had camped out many and many a time before, and knew just what
       was coming. I went off, without waiting for serving men, and unsaddled
       my horse, and washed such portions of his ribs and his spine as projected
       through his hide, and when I came back, behold five stately circus tents
       were up--tents that were brilliant, within, with blue, and gold, and
       crimson, and all manner of splendid adornment! I was speechless. Then
       they brought eight little iron bedsteads, and set them up in the tents;
       they put a soft mattress and pillows and good blankets and two snow-white
       sheets on each bed. Next, they rigged a table about the centre-pole, and
       on it placed pewter pitchers, basins, soap, and the whitest of towels--
       one set for each man; they pointed to pockets in the tent, and said we
       could put our small trifles in them for convenience, and if we needed
       pins or such things, they were sticking every where. Then came the
       finishing touch--they spread carpets on the floor! I simply said, "If
       you call this camping out, all right--but it isn't the style I am used
       to; my little baggage that I brought along is at a discount."
       It grew dark, and they put candles on the tables--candles set in bright,
       new, brazen candlesticks. And soon the bell--a genuine, simon-pure bell
       --rang, and we were invited to "the saloon." I had thought before that
       we had a tent or so too many, but now here was one, at least, provided
       for; it was to be used for nothing but an eating-saloon. Like the
       others, it was high enough for a family of giraffes to live in, and was
       very handsome and clean and bright-colored within. It was a gem of a
       place. A table for eight, and eight canvas chairs; a table-cloth and
       napkins whose whiteness and whose fineness laughed to scorn the things we
       were used to in the great excursion steamer; knives and forks, soup-
       plates, dinner-plates--every thing, in the handsomest kind of style. It
       was wonderful! And they call this camping out. Those stately fellows in
       baggy trowsers and turbaned fezzes brought in a dinner which consisted of
       roast mutton, roast chicken, roast goose, potatoes, bread, tea, pudding,
       apples, and delicious grapes; the viands were better cooked than any we
       had eaten for weeks, and the table made a finer appearance, with its
       large German silver candlesticks and other finery, than any table we had
       sat down to for a good while, and yet that polite dragoman, Abraham, came
       bowing in and apologizing for the whole affair, on account of the
       unavoidable confusion of getting under way for a very long trip, and
       promising to do a great deal better in future!
       It is midnight, now, and we break camp at six in the morning.
       They call this camping out. At this rate it is a glorious privilege to
       be a pilgrim to the Holy Land. _