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The Innocents Abroad
CHAPTER XXIII
Mark Twain
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       _ Chapter 23 - The Famous Gondola--The Gondola in an Unromantic Aspect
       --The Great Square of St. Mark and the Winged Lion--Snobs, at Home and
       Abroad--Sepulchres of the Great Dead--A Tilt at the "Old Masters"
       --A Contraband Guide--The Conspiracy--Moving Again
       The Venetian gondola is as free and graceful, in its gliding movement, as
       a serpent. It is twenty or thirty feet long, and is narrow and deep,
       like a canoe; its sharp bow and stern sweep upward from the water like
       the horns of a crescent with the abruptness of the curve slightly
       modified.
       The bow is ornamented with a steel comb with a battle-ax attachment which
       threatens to cut passing boats in two occasionally, but never does. The
       gondola is painted black because in the zenith of Venetian magnificence
       the gondolas became too gorgeous altogether, and the Senate decreed that
       all such display must cease, and a solemn, unembellished black be
       substituted. If the truth were known, it would doubtless appear that
       rich plebeians grew too prominent in their affectation of patrician show
       on the Grand Canal, and required a wholesome snubbing. Reverence for the
       hallowed Past and its traditions keeps the dismal fashion in force now
       that the compulsion exists no longer. So let it remain. It is the color
       of mourning. Venice mourns. The stern of the boat is decked over and
       the gondolier stands there. He uses a single oar--a long blade, of
       course, for he stands nearly erect. A wooden peg, a foot and a half
       high, with two slight crooks or curves in one side of it and one in the
       other, projects above the starboard gunwale. Against that peg the
       gondolier takes a purchase with his oar, changing it at intervals to the
       other side of the peg or dropping it into another of the crooks, as the
       steering of the craft may demand--and how in the world he can back and
       fill, shoot straight ahead, or flirt suddenly around a corner, and make
       the oar stay in those insignificant notches, is a problem to me and a
       never diminishing matter of interest. I am afraid I study the
       gondolier's marvelous skill more than I do the sculptured palaces we
       glide among. He cuts a corner so closely, now and then, or misses
       another gondola by such an imperceptible hair-breadth that I feel myself
       "scrooching," as the children say, just as one does when a buggy wheel
       grazes his elbow. But he makes all his calculations with the nicest
       precision, and goes darting in and out among a Broadway confusion of busy
       craft with the easy confidence of the educated hackman. He never makes a
       mistake.
       Sometimes we go flying down the great canals at such a gait that we can
       get only the merest glimpses into front doors, and again, in obscure
       alleys in the suburbs, we put on a solemnity suited to the silence, the
       mildew, the stagnant waters, the clinging weeds, the deserted houses and
       the general lifelessness of the place, and move to the spirit of grave
       meditation.
       The gondolier is a picturesque rascal for all he wears no satin harness,
       no plumed bonnet, no silken tights. His attitude is stately; he is lithe
       and supple; all his movements are full of grace. When his long canoe,
       and his fine figure, towering from its high perch on the stern, are cut
       against the evening sky, they make a picture that is very novel and
       striking to a foreign eye.
       We sit in the cushioned carriage-body of a cabin, with the curtains
       drawn, and smoke, or read, or look out upon the passing boats, the
       houses, the bridges, the people, and enjoy ourselves much more than we
       could in a buggy jolting over our cobble-stone pavements at home. This
       is the gentlest, pleasantest locomotion we have ever known.
       But it seems queer--ever so queer--to see a boat doing duty as a private
       carriage. We see business men come to the front door, step into a
       gondola, instead of a street car, and go off down town to the counting-
       room.
       We see visiting young ladies stand on the stoop, and laugh, and kiss
       good-bye, and flirt their fans and say "Come soon--now do--you've been
       just as mean as ever you can be--mother's dying to see you--and we've
       moved into the new house, O such a love of a place!--so convenient to the
       post office and the church, and the Young Men's Christian Association;
       and we do have such fishing, and such carrying on, and such swimming-
       matches in the back yard--Oh, you must come--no distance at all, and if
       you go down through by St. Mark's and the Bridge of Sighs, and cut
       through the alley and come up by the church of Santa Maria dei Frari, and
       into the Grand Canal, there isn't a bit of current--now do come, Sally
       Maria--by-bye!" and then the little humbug trips down the steps, jumps
       into the gondola, says, under her breath, "Disagreeable old thing, I hope
       she won't!" goes skimming away, round the corner; and the other girl
       slams the street door and says, "Well, that infliction's over, any way,--
       but I suppose I've got to go and see her--tiresome stuck-up thing!"
       Human nature appears to be just the same, all over the world. We see the
       diffident young man, mild of moustache, affluent of hair, indigent of
       brain, elegant of costume, drive up to her father's mansion, tell his
       hackman to bail out and wait, start fearfully up the steps and meet "the
       old gentleman" right on the threshold!--hear him ask what street the new
       British Bank is in--as if that were what he came for--and then bounce
       into his boat and skurry away with his coward heart in his boots!--see
       him come sneaking around the corner again, directly, with a crack of the
       curtain open toward the old gentleman's disappearing gondola, and out
       scampers his Susan with a flock of little Italian endearments fluttering
       from her lips, and goes to drive with him in the watery avenues down
       toward the Rialto.
       We see the ladies go out shopping, in the most natural way, and flit from
       street to street and from store to store, just in the good old fashion,
       except that they leave the gondola, instead of a private carriage,
       waiting at the curbstone a couple of hours for them,--waiting while they
       make the nice young clerks pull down tons and tons of silks and velvets
       and moire antiques and those things; and then they buy a paper of pins
       and go paddling away to confer the rest of their disastrous patronage on
       some other firm. And they always have their purchases sent home just in
       the good old way. Human nature is very much the same all over the world;
       and it is so like my dear native home to see a Venetian lady go into a
       store and buy ten cents' worth of blue ribbon and have it sent home in a
       scow. Ah, it is these little touches of nature that move one to tears in
       these far-off foreign lands.
       We see little girls and boys go out in gondolas with their nurses, for an
       airing. We see staid families, with prayer-book and beads, enter the
       gondola dressed in their Sunday best, and float away to church. And at
       midnight we see the theatre break up and discharge its swarm of hilarious
       youth and beauty; we hear the cries of the hackman-gondoliers, and behold
       the struggling crowd jump aboard, and the black multitude of boats go
       skimming down the moonlit avenues; we see them separate here and there,
       and disappear up divergent streets; we hear the faint sounds of laughter
       and of shouted farewells floating up out of the distance; and then, the
       strange pageant being gone, we have lonely stretches of glittering water
       --of stately buildings--of blotting shadows--of weird stone faces
       creeping into the moonlight--of deserted bridges--of motionless boats at
       anchor. And over all broods that mysterious stillness, that stealthy
       quiet, that befits so well this old dreaming Venice.
       We have been pretty much every where in our gondola. We have bought
       beads and photographs in the stores, and wax matches in the Great Square
       of St. Mark. The last remark suggests a digression. Every body goes to
       this vast square in the evening. The military bands play in the centre
       of it and countless couples of ladies and gentlemen promenade up and down
       on either side, and platoons of them are constantly drifting away toward
       the old Cathedral, and by the venerable column with the Winged Lion of
       St. Mark on its top, and out to where the boats lie moored; and other
       platoons are as constantly arriving from the gondolas and joining the
       great throng. Between the promenaders and the side-walks are seated
       hundreds and hundreds of people at small tables, smoking and taking
       granita, (a first cousin to ice-cream;) on the side-walks are more
       employing themselves in the same way. The shops in the first floor of
       the tall rows of buildings that wall in three sides of the square are
       brilliantly lighted, the air is filled with music and merry voices, and
       altogether the scene is as bright and spirited and full of cheerfulness
       as any man could desire. We enjoy it thoroughly. Very many of the young
       women are exceedingly pretty and dress with rare good taste. We are
       gradually and laboriously learning the ill-manners of staring them
       unflinchingly in the face--not because such conduct is agreeable to us,
       but because it is the custom of the country and they say the girls like
       it. We wish to learn all the curious, outlandish ways of all the
       different countries, so that we can "show off" and astonish people when
       we get home. We wish to excite the envy of our untraveled friends with
       our strange foreign fashions which we can't shake off. All our
       passengers are paying strict attention to this thing, with the end in
       view which I have mentioned. The gentle reader will never, never know
       what a consummate ass he can become, until he goes abroad. I speak now,
       of course, in the supposition that the gentle reader has not been abroad,
       and therefore is not already a consummate ass. If the case be otherwise,
       I beg his pardon and extend to him the cordial hand of fellowship and
       call him brother. I shall always delight to meet an ass after my own
       heart when I shall have finished my travels.
       On this subject let me remark that there are Americans abroad in Italy
       who have actually forgotten their mother tongue in three months--forgot
       it in France. They can not even write their address in English in a
       hotel register. I append these evidences, which I copied verbatim from
       the register of a hotel in a certain Italian city:
       "John P. Whitcomb, Etats Unis. "Wm. L. Ainsworth, travailleur (he
       meant traveler, I suppose,) Etats Unis. "George P. Morton et fils,
       d'Amerique. "Lloyd B. Williams, et trois amis, ville de Boston,
       Amerique. "J. Ellsworth Baker, tout de suite de France, place de
       naissance Amerique, destination la Grand Bretagne."
       I love this sort of people. A lady passenger of ours tells of a fellow-
       citizen of hers who spent eight weeks in Paris and then returned home and
       addressed his dearest old bosom friend Herbert as Mr. "Er-bare!" He
       apologized, though, and said, "'Pon my soul it is aggravating, but I
       cahn't help it--I have got so used to speaking nothing but French, my
       dear Erbare--damme there it goes again!--got so used to French
       pronunciation that I cahn't get rid of it--it is positively annoying, I
       assure you." This entertaining idiot, whose name was Gordon, allowed
       himself to be hailed three times in the street before he paid any
       attention, and then begged a thousand pardons and said he had grown so
       accustomed to hearing himself addressed as "M'sieu Gor-r-dong," with a
       roll to the r, that he had forgotten the legitimate sound of his name!
       He wore a rose in his button-hole; he gave the French salutation--two
       flips of the hand in front of the face; he called Paris Pairree in
       ordinary English conversation; he carried envelopes bearing foreign
       postmarks protruding from his breast-pocket; he cultivated a moustache
       and imperial, and did what else he could to suggest to the beholder his
       pet fancy that he resembled Louis Napoleon--and in a spirit of
       thankfulness which is entirely unaccountable, considering the slim
       foundation there was for it, he praised his Maker that he was as he was,
       and went on enjoying his little life just the same as if he really had
       been deliberately designed and erected by the great Architect of the
       Universe.
       Think of our Whitcombs, and our Ainsworths and our Williamses writing
       themselves down in dilapidated French in foreign hotel registers! We
       laugh at Englishmen, when we are at home, for sticking so sturdily to
       their national ways and customs, but we look back upon it from abroad
       very forgivingly. It is not pleasant to see an American thrusting his
       nationality forward obtrusively in a foreign land, but Oh, it is pitiable
       to see him making of himself a thing that is neither male nor female,
       neither fish, flesh, nor fowl--a poor, miserable, hermaphrodite
       Frenchman!
       Among a long list of churches, art galleries, and such things, visited by
       us in Venice, I shall mention only one--the church of Santa Maria dei
       Frari. It is about five hundred years old, I believe, and stands on
       twelve hundred thousand piles. In it lie the body of Canova and the
       heart of Titian, under magnificent monuments. Titian died at the age of
       almost one hundred years. A plague which swept away fifty thousand lives
       was raging at the time, and there is notable evidence of the reverence in
       which the great painter was held, in the fact that to him alone the state
       permitted a public funeral in all that season of terror and death.
       In this church, also, is a monument to the doge Foscari, whose name a
       once resident of Venice, Lord Byron, has made permanently famous.
       The monument to the doge Giovanni Pesaro, in this church, is a curiosity
       in the way of mortuary adornment. It is eighty feet high and is fronted
       like some fantastic pagan temple. Against it stand four colossal
       Nubians, as black as night, dressed in white marble garments. The black
       legs are bare, and through rents in sleeves and breeches, the skin, of
       shiny black marble, shows. The artist was as ingenious as his funeral
       designs were absurd. There are two bronze skeletons bearing scrolls, and
       two great dragons uphold the sarcophagus. On high, amid all this
       grotesqueness, sits the departed doge.
       In the conventual buildings attached to this church are the state
       archives of Venice. We did not see them, but they are said to number
       millions of documents. "They are the records of centuries of the most
       watchful, observant and suspicious government that ever existed--in which
       every thing was written down and nothing spoken out." They fill nearly
       three hundred rooms. Among them are manuscripts from the archives of
       nearly two thousand families, monasteries and convents. The secret
       history of Venice for a thousand years is here--its plots, its hidden
       trials, its assassinations, its commissions of hireling spies and masked
       bravoes--food, ready to hand, for a world of dark and mysterious
       romances.
       Yes, I think we have seen all of Venice. We have seen, in these old
       churches, a profusion of costly and elaborate sepulchre ornamentation
       such as we never dreampt of before. We have stood in the dim religious
       light of these hoary sanctuaries, in the midst of long ranks of dusty
       monuments and effigies of the great dead of Venice, until we seemed
       drifting back, back, back, into the solemn past, and looking upon the
       scenes and mingling with the peoples of a remote antiquity. We have been
       in a half-waking sort of dream all the time. I do not know how else to
       describe the feeling. A part of our being has remained still in the
       nineteenth century, while another part of it has seemed in some
       unaccountable way walking among the phantoms of the tenth.
       We have seen famous pictures until our eyes are weary with looking at
       them and refuse to find interest in them any longer. And what wonder,
       when there are twelve hundred pictures by Palma the Younger in Venice and
       fifteen hundred by Tintoretto? And behold there are Titians and the
       works of other artists in proportion. We have seen Titian's celebrated
       Cain and Abel, his David and Goliah, his Abraham's Sacrifice. We have
       seen Tintoretto's monster picture, which is seventy-four feet long and I
       do not know how many feet high, and thought it a very commodious picture.
       We have seen pictures of martyrs enough, and saints enough, to regenerate
       the world. I ought not to confess it, but still, since one has no
       opportunity in America to acquire a critical judgment in art, and since I
       could not hope to become educated in it in Europe in a few short weeks, I
       may therefore as well acknowledge with such apologies as may be due, that
       to me it seemed that when I had seen one of these martyrs I had seen them
       all. They all have a marked family resemblance to each other, they dress
       alike, in coarse monkish robes and sandals, they are all bald headed,
       they all stand in about the same attitude, and without exception they are
       gazing heavenward with countenances which the Ainsworths, the Mortons and
       the Williamses, et fils, inform me are full of "expression." To me there
       is nothing tangible about these imaginary portraits, nothing that I can
       grasp and take a living interest in. If great Titian had only been
       gifted with prophecy, and had skipped a martyr, and gone over to England
       and painted a portrait of Shakspeare, even as a youth, which we could all
       have confidence in now, the world down to the latest generations would
       have forgiven him the lost martyr in the rescued seer. I think posterity
       could have spared one more martyr for the sake of a great historical
       picture of Titian's time and painted by his brush--such as Columbus
       returning in chains from the discovery of a world, for instance. The old
       masters did paint some Venetian historical pictures, and these we did not
       tire of looking at, notwithstanding representations of the formal
       introduction of defunct doges to the Virgin Mary in regions beyond the
       clouds clashed rather harshly with the proprieties, it seemed to us.
       But humble as we are, and unpretending, in the matter of art, our
       researches among the painted monks and martyrs have not been wholly in
       vain. We have striven hard to learn. We have had some success. We have
       mastered some things, possibly of trifling import in the eyes of the
       learned, but to us they give pleasure, and we take as much pride in our
       little acquirements as do others who have learned far more, and we love
       to display them full as well. When we see a monk going about with a lion
       and looking tranquilly up to heaven, we know that that is St. Mark. When
       we see a monk with a book and a pen, looking tranquilly up to heaven,
       trying to think of a word, we know that that is St. Matthew. When we see
       a monk sitting on a rock, looking tranquilly up to heaven, with a human
       skull beside him, and without other baggage, we know that that is St.
       Jerome. Because we know that he always went flying light in the matter
       of baggage. When we see a party looking tranquilly up to heaven,
       unconscious that his body is shot through and through with arrows, we
       know that that is St. Sebastian. When we see other monks looking
       tranquilly up to heaven, but having no trade-mark, we always ask who
       those parties are. We do this because we humbly wish to learn. We have
       seen thirteen thousand St. Jeromes, and twenty-two thousand St. Marks,
       and sixteen thousand St. Matthews, and sixty thousand St. Sebastians, and
       four millions of assorted monks, undesignated, and we feel encouraged to
       believe that when we have seen some more of these various pictures, and
       had a larger experience, we shall begin to take an absorbing interest in
       them like our cultivated countrymen from Amerique.
       Now it does give me real pain to speak in this almost unappreciative way
       of the old masters and their martyrs, because good friends of mine in the
       ship--friends who do thoroughly and conscientiously appreciate them and
       are in every way competent to discriminate between good pictures and
       inferior ones--have urged me for my own sake not to make public the fact
       that I lack this appreciation and this critical discrimination myself. I
       believe that what I have written and may still write about pictures will
       give them pain, and I am honestly sorry for it. I even promised that I
       would hide my uncouth sentiments in my own breast. But alas! I never
       could keep a promise. I do not blame myself for this weakness, because
       the fault must lie in my physical organization. It is likely that such a
       very liberal amount of space was given to the organ which enables me to
       make promises, that the organ which should enable me to keep them was
       crowded out. But I grieve not. I like no half-way things. I had rather
       have one faculty nobly developed than two faculties of mere ordinary
       capacity. I certainly meant to keep that promise, but I find I can not
       do it. It is impossible to travel through Italy without speaking of
       pictures, and can I see them through others' eyes?
       If I did not so delight in the grand pictures that are spread before me
       every day of my life by that monarch of all the old masters, Nature, I
       should come to believe, sometimes, that I had in me no appreciation of
       the beautiful, whatsoever.
       It seems to me that whenever I glory to think that for once I have
       discovered an ancient painting that is beautiful and worthy of all
       praise, the pleasure it gives me is an infallible proof that it is not a
       beautiful picture and not in any wise worthy of commendation. This very
       thing has occurred more times than I can mention, in Venice. In every
       single instance the guide has crushed out my swelling enthusiasm with the
       remark:
       "It is nothing--it is of the Renaissance."
       I did not know what in the mischief the Renaissance was, and so always I
       had to simply say,
       "Ah! so it is--I had not observed it before."
       I could not bear to be ignorant before a cultivated negro, the offspring
       of a South Carolina slave. But it occurred too often for even my self-
       complacency, did that exasperating "It is nothing--it is of the
       Renaissance." I said at last:
       "Who is this Renaissance? Where did he come from? Who gave him
       permission to cram the Republic with his execrable daubs?"
       We learned, then, that Renaissance was not a man; that renaissance was a
       term used to signify what was at best but an imperfect rejuvenation of
       art. The guide said that after Titian's time and the time of the other
       great names we had grown so familiar with, high art declined; then it
       partially rose again--an inferior sort of painters sprang up, and these
       shabby pictures were the work of their hands. Then I said, in my heat,
       that I "wished to goodness high art had declined five hundred years
       sooner." The Renaissance pictures suit me very well, though sooth to say
       its school were too much given to painting real men and did not indulge
       enough in martyrs.
       The guide I have spoken of is the only one we have had yet who knew any
       thing. He was born in South Carolina, of slave parents. They came to
       Venice while he was an infant. He has grown up here. He is well
       educated. He reads, writes, and speaks English, Italian, Spanish, and
       French, with perfect facility; is a worshipper of art and thoroughly
       conversant with it; knows the history of Venice by heart and never tires
       of talking of her illustrious career. He dresses better than any of us,
       I think, and is daintily polite. Negroes are deemed as good as white
       people, in Venice, and so this man feels no desire to go back to his
       native land. His judgment is correct.
       I have had another shave. I was writing in our front room this afternoon
       and trying hard to keep my attention on my work and refrain from looking
       out upon the canal. I was resisting the soft influences of the climate
       as well as I could, and endeavoring to overcome the desire to be indolent
       and happy. The boys sent for a barber. They asked me if I would be
       shaved. I reminded them of my tortures in Genoa, Milan, Como; of my
       declaration that I would suffer no more on Italian soil. I said "Not any
       for me, if you please."
       I wrote on. The barber began on the doctor. I heard him say:
       "Dan, this is the easiest shave I have had since we left the ship."
       He said again, presently:
       "Why Dan, a man could go to sleep with this man shaving him."
       Dan took the chair. Then he said:
       "Why this is Titian. This is one of the old masters."
       I wrote on. Directly Dan said:
       "Doctor, it is perfect luxury. The ship's barber isn't any thing to
       him."
       My rough beard wee distressing me beyond measure. The barber was rolling
       up his apparatus. The temptation was too strong. I said:
       "Hold on, please. Shave me also."
       I sat down in the chair and closed my eyes. The barber soaped my face,
       and then took his razor and gave me a rake that well nigh threw me into
       convulsions. I jumped out of the chair: Dan and the doctor were both
       wiping blood off their faces and laughing.
       I said it was a mean, disgraceful fraud.
       They said that the misery of this shave had gone so far beyond any thing
       they had ever experienced before, that they could not bear the idea of
       losing such a chance of hearing a cordial opinion from me on the subject.
       It was shameful. But there was no help for it. The skinning was begun
       and had to be finished. The tears flowed with every rake, and so did the
       fervent execrations. The barber grew confused, and brought blood every
       time. I think the boys enjoyed it better than any thing they have seen
       or heard since they left home.
       We have seen the Campanile, and Byron's house and Balbi's the geographer,
       and the palaces of all the ancient dukes and doges of Venice, and we have
       seen their effeminate descendants airing their nobility in fashionable
       French attire in the Grand Square of St. Mark, and eating ices and
       drinking cheap wines, instead of wearing gallant coats of mail and
       destroying fleets and armies as their great ancestors did in the days of
       Venetian glory. We have seen no bravoes with poisoned stilettos, no
       masks, no wild carnival; but we have seen the ancient pride of Venice,
       the grim Bronze Horses that figure in a thousand legends. Venice may
       well cherish them, for they are the only horses she ever had. It is said
       there are hundreds of people in this curious city who never have seen a
       living horse in their lives. It is entirely true, no doubt.
       And so, having satisfied ourselves, we depart to-morrow, and leave the
       venerable Queen of the Republics to summon her vanished ships, and
       marshal her shadowy armies, and know again in dreams the pride of her old
       renown. _