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The Innocents Abroad
CHAPTER II
Mark Twain
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       _ Chapter 2 - Grand Preparations--An Imposing Dignitary--The European Exodus--
       Mr. Blucher's Opinion--Stateroom No. 10--The Assembling of the Clans--
       At Sea at Last
       Occasionally, during the following month, I dropped in at 117 Wall Street
       to inquire how the repairing and refurnishing of the vessel was coming
       on, how additions to the passenger list were averaging, how many people
       the committee were decreeing not "select" every day and banishing in
       sorrow and tribulation. I was glad to know that we were to have a little
       printing press on board and issue a daily newspaper of our own. I was
       glad to learn that our piano, our parlor organ, and our melodeon were to
       be the best instruments of the kind that could be had in the market. I
       was proud to observe that among our excursionists were three ministers of
       the gospel, eight doctors, sixteen or eighteen ladies, several military
       and naval chieftains with sounding titles, an ample crop of "Professors"
       of various kinds, and a gentleman who had "COMMISSIONER OF THE UNITED
       STATES OF AMERICA TO EUROPE, ASIA, AND AFRICA" thundering after his name
       in one awful blast! I had carefully prepared myself to take rather a
       back seat in that ship because of the uncommonly select material that
       would alone be permitted to pass through the camel's eye of that
       committee on credentials; I had schooled myself to expect an imposing
       array of military and naval heroes and to have to set that back seat
       still further back in consequence of it maybe; but I state frankly that I
       was all unprepared for this crusher.
       I fell under that titular avalanche a torn and blighted thing. I said
       that if that potentate must go over in our ship, why, I supposed he must
       --but that to my thinking, when the United States considered it necessary
       to send a dignitary of that tonnage across the ocean, it would be in
       better taste, and safer, to take him apart and cart him over in sections
       in several ships.
       Ah, if I had only known then that he was only a common mortal, and that
       his mission had nothing more overpowering about it than the collecting of
       seeds and uncommon yams and extraordinary cabbages and peculiar bullfrogs
       for that poor, useless, innocent, mildewed old fossil the Smithsonian
       Institute, I would have felt so much relieved.
       During that memorable month I basked in the happiness of being for once
       in my life drifting with the tide of a great popular movement. Everybody
       was going to Europe--I, too, was going to Europe. Everybody was going to
       the famous Paris Exposition--I, too, was going to the Paris Exposition.
       The steamship lines were carrying Americans out of the various ports of
       the country at the rate of four or five thousand a week in the aggregate.
       If I met a dozen individuals during that month who were not going to
       Europe shortly, I have no distinct remembrance of it now. I walked about
       the city a good deal with a young Mr. Blucher, who was booked for the
       excursion. He was confiding, good-natured, unsophisticated,
       companionable; but he was not a man to set the river on fire. He had the
       most extraordinary notions about this European exodus and came at last to
       consider the whole nation as packing up for emigration to France. We
       stepped into a store on Broadway one day, where he bought a handkerchief,
       and when the man could not make change, Mr. B. said:
       "Never mind, I'll hand it to you in Paris."
       "But I am not going to Paris."
       "How is--what did I understand you to say?"
       "I said I am not going to Paris."
       "Not going to Paris! Not g---- well, then, where in the nation are you
       going to?"
       "Nowhere at all."
       "Not anywhere whatsoever?--not any place on earth but this?"
       "Not any place at all but just this--stay here all summer."
       My comrade took his purchase and walked out of the store without a word--
       walked out with an injured look upon his countenance. Up the street
       apiece he broke silence and said impressively: "It was a lie--that is my
       opinion of it!"
       In the fullness of time the ship was ready to receive her passengers.
       I was introduced to the young gentleman who was to be my roommate, and
       found him to be intelligent, cheerful of spirit, unselfish, full of
       generous impulses, patient, considerate, and wonderfully good-natured.
       Not any passenger that sailed in the Quaker City will withhold his
       endorsement of what I have just said. We selected a stateroom forward of
       the wheel, on the starboard side, "below decks." It bad two berths in
       it, a dismal dead-light, a sink with a washbowl in it, and a long,
       sumptuously cushioned locker, which was to do service as a sofa--partly--
       and partly as a hiding place for our things. Notwithstanding all this
       furniture, there was still room to turn around in, but not to swing a cat
       in, at least with entire security to the cat. However, the room was
       large, for a ship's stateroom, and was in every way satisfactory.
       The vessel was appointed to sail on a certain Saturday early in June.
       A little after noon on that distinguished Saturday I reached the ship and
       went on board. All was bustle and confusion. [I have seen that remark
       before somewhere.] The pier was crowded with carriages and men;
       passengers were arriving and hurrying on board; the vessel's decks were
       encumbered with trunks and valises; groups of excursionists, arrayed in
       unattractive traveling costumes, were moping about in a drizzling rain
       and looking as droopy and woebegone as so many molting chickens. The
       gallant flag was up, but it was under the spell, too, and hung limp and
       disheartened by the mast. Altogether, it was the bluest, bluest
       spectacle! It was a pleasure excursion--there was no gainsaying that,
       because the program said so--it was so nominated in the bond--but it
       surely hadn't the general aspect of one.
       Finally, above the banging, and rumbling, and shouting, and hissing of
       steam rang the order to "cast off!"--a sudden rush to the gangways--a
       scampering ashore of visitors-a revolution of the wheels, and we were
       off--the pic-nic was begun! Two very mild cheers went up from the
       dripping crowd on the pier; we answered them gently from the slippery
       decks; the flag made an effort to wave, and failed; the "battery of guns"
       spake not--the ammunition was out.
       We steamed down to the foot of the harbor and came to anchor. It was
       still raining. And not only raining, but storming. "Outside" we could
       see, ourselves, that there was a tremendous sea on. We must lie still,
       in the calm harbor, till the storm should abate. Our passengers hailed
       from fifteen states; only a few of them had ever been to sea before;
       manifestly it would not do to pit them against a full-blown tempest until
       they had got their sea-legs on. Toward evening the two steam tugs that
       had accompanied us with a rollicking champagne-party of young New Yorkers
       on board who wished to bid farewell to one of our number in due and
       ancient form departed, and we were alone on the deep. On deep five
       fathoms, and anchored fast to the bottom. And out in the solemn rain, at
       that. This was pleasuring with a vengeance.
       It was an appropriate relief when the gong sounded for prayer meeting.
       The first Saturday night of any other pleasure excursion might have been
       devoted to whist and dancing; but I submit it to the unprejudiced mind if
       it would have been in good taste for us to engage in such frivolities,
       considering what we had gone through and the frame of mind we were in.
       We would have shone at a wake, but not at anything more festive.
       However, there is always a cheering influence about the sea; and in my
       berth that night, rocked by the measured swell of the waves and lulled by
       the murmur of the distant surf, I soon passed tranquilly out of all
       consciousness of the dreary experiences of the day and damaging
       premonitions of the future. _