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Seventeen
CHAPTER XVIII. THE BIG, FAT LUMMOX
Booth Tarkington
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       _ In the morning sunshine, Mrs. Baxter stood
       at the top of the steps of the front porch,
       addressing her son, who listened impatiently and
       edged himself a little nearer the gate every time
       he shifted his weight from one foot to the other.
       ``Willie,'' she said, ``you must really pay some
       attention to the laws of health, or you'll never
       live to be an old man.''
       ``I don't want to live to be an old man,'' said
       William, earnestly. ``I'd rather do what I please
       now and die a little sooner.''
       ``You talk very foolishly,'' his mother returned.
       ``Either come back and put on some heavier
       THINGS or take your overcoat.''
       ``My overcoat!'' William groaned. ``They'd
       think I was a lunatic, carrying an overcoat in
       August!''
       ``Not to a picnic,'' she said.
       ``Mother, it isn't a picnic, I've told you a
       hunderd times! You think it's one those ole-
       fashion things YOU used to go to--sit on the damp
       ground and eat sardines with ants all over 'em?
       This isn't anything like that; we just go out on
       the trolley to this farm-house and have noon
       dinner, and dance all afternoon, and have supper,
       and then come home on the trolley. I guess we'd
       hardly of got up anything as out o' date as a
       picnic in honor of Miss PRATT!''
       Mrs. Baxter seemed unimpressed.
       ``It doesn't matter whether you call it a picnic
       or not, Willie. It will be cool on the open trolley-
       car coming home, especially with only those white
       trousers on--''
       ``Ye gods!'' he cried. ``I've got other things
       on besides my trousers! I wish you wouldn't
       always act as if I was a perfect child! Good
       heavens! isn't a person my age supposed to know
       how much clothes to wear?''
       ``Well, if he is,'' she returned, ``it's a mere
       supposition and not founded on fact. Don't get so
       excited, Willie, please; but you'll either have to
       give up the picnic or come in and ch--''
       ``Change my `things'!'' he wailed. ``I can't
       change my `things'! I've got just twenty minutes
       to get to May Parcher's--the crowd meets
       there, and they're goin' to take the trolley in
       front the Parchers' at exactly a quarter after
       'leven. PLEASE don't keep me any longer, mother
       --I GOT to go!''
       She stepped into the hall and returned
       immediately. ``Here's your overcoat, Willie.''
       His expression was of despair. ``They'll think
       I'm a lunatic and they'll say so before everybody
       --and I don't blame 'em! Overcoat on a hot day
       like this! Except me, I don't suppose there was
       ever anybody lived in the world and got to be
       going on eighteen years old and had to carry his
       silly old overcoat around with him in August--
       because his mother made him!''
       ``Willie,'' said Mrs. Baxter, ``you don't know
       how many thousands and thousands of mothers
       for thousands and thousands of years have kept
       their sons from taking thousands and thousands
       of colds--just this way!''
       He moaned. ``Well, and I got to be called a
       lunatic just because you're nervous, I s'pose. All
       right!''
       She hung it upon his arm, kissed him; and he
       departed in a desperate manner.
       However, having worn his tragic face for three
       blocks, he halted before a corner drug-store, and
       permitted his expression to improve as he gazed
       upon the window display of My Little Sweetheart
       All-Tobacco Cuban Cigarettes, the Package of
       Twenty for Ten Cents. William was not a
       smoker--that is to say, he had made the usual
       boyhood experiments, finding them discouraging;
       and though at times he considered it humorously
       man-about-town to say to a smoking friend,
       ``Well, _I_'ll tackle one o' your ole coffin-nails,'' he
       had never made a purchase of tobacco in his life.
       But it struck him now that it would be rather
       debonair to disport himself with a package of
       Little Sweethearts upon the excursion.
       And the name! It thrilled him inexpressibly,
       bringing a tenderness into his eyes and a glow
       into his bosom. He felt that when he should
       smoke a Little Sweetheart it would be a tribute
       to the ineffable visitor for whom this party was
       being given--it would bring her closer to him.
       His young brow grew almost stern with determination,
       for he made up his mind, on the spot,
       that he would smoke oftener in the future--he
       would become a confirmed smoker, and all his life
       he would smoke My Little Sweetheart All-Tobacco
       Cuban Cigarettes.
       He entered and managed to make his purchase
       in a matter-of-fact way, as if he were doing
       something quite unemotional; then he said to the
       clerk:
       ``Oh, by the by--ah--''
       The clerk stared. ``Well, what else?''
       ``I mean,'' said William, hurriedly, ``there's
       something I wanted to 'tend to, now I happen to
       be here. I was on my way to take this overcoat
       to--to get something altered at the tailor's for
       next winter. 'Course I wouldn't want it till
       winter, but I thought I might as well get it DONE.''
       He paused, laughing carelessly, for greater plaus-
       ibility. ``I thought he'd prob'ly want lots of
       time on the job--he's a slow worker, I've noticed
       --and so I decided I might just as well go ahead
       and let him get at it. Well, so I was on my way
       there, but I just noticed I only got about six
       minutes more to get to a mighty important
       engagement I got this morning, and I'd like to
       leave it here and come by and get it on my way
       home, this evening.''
       ``Sure,'' said the clerk. ``Hang it on that
       hook inside the p'scription-counter. There's one
       there already, b'longs to your friend, that young
       Bullitt fella. He was in here awhile ago and said
       he wanted to leave his because he didn't have
       time to take it to be pressed in time for next
       winter. Then he went on and joined that crowd
       in Mr. Parcher's yard, around the corner, that's
       goin' on a trolley-party. I says, `I betcher mother
       maje carry it,' and he says, `Oh no. Oh no,'
       he says. `Honest, I was goin' to get it pressed!'
       You can hang yours on the same nail.''
       The clerk spoke no more, and went to serve
       another customer, while William stared after him
       a little uneasily. It seemed that here was a man
       of suspicious nature, though, of course, Joe
       Bullitt's shallow talk about getting an overcoat
       pressed before winter would not have imposed
       upon anybody. However, William felt strongly
       that the private life of the customers of a store
       should not be pried into and speculated about by
       employees, and he was conscious of a distaste
       for this clerk.
       Nevertheless, it was with a lighter heart that
       he left his overcoat behind him and stepped out
       of the side door of the drug-store. That brought
       him within sight of the gaily dressed young
       people, about thirty in number, gathered upon
       the small lawn beside Mr. Parcher's house.
       Miss Pratt stood among them, in heliotrope
       and white, Flopit nestling in her arms. She was
       encircled by girls who were enthusiastically
       caressing the bored and blinking Flopit; and when
       William beheld this charming group, his breath
       became eccentric, his knee-caps became cold and
       convulsive, his neck became hot, and he broke
       into a light perspiration.
       She saw him! The small blonde head and the
       delirious little fluffy hat above it shimmered a
       nod to him. Then his mouth fell unconsciously
       open, and his eyes grew glassy with the intensity
       of meaning he put into the silent response he sent
       across the picket fence and through the interstices
       of the intervening group. Pressing with his
       elbow upon the package of cigarettes in his pocket,
       he murmured, inaudibly, ``My Little Sweetheart,
       always for you!''--a repetition of his vow that,
       come what might, he would forever remain a
       loyal smoker of that symbolic brand. In fact,
       William's mental condition had never shown one
       moment's turn for the better since the fateful
       day of the distracting visitor's arrival.
       Mr. Johnnie Watson and Mr. Joe Bullitt met
       him at the gate and offered him hearty greeting.
       All bickering and dissension among these three
       had passed. The lady was so wondrous impartial
       that, as time went on, the sufferers had come
       to be drawn together, rather than thrust asunder,
       by their common feeling. It had grown to be a
       bond uniting them; they were not so much rivals
       as ardent novices serving a single altar, each
       worshiping there without visible gain over the
       other. Each had even come to possess, in the
       eyes of his two fellows, almost a sacredness as a
       sharer in the celestial glamor; they were tender
       one with another. They were in the last stages.
       Johnnie Watson had with him to-day a visitor
       of his own--a vastly overgrown person of eighteen,
       who, at Johnnie's beckoning, abandoned a
       fair companion of the moment and came forward
       as William entered the gate.
       ``I want to intradooce you to two of my most
       int'mut friends, George,'' said Johnnie, with the
       anxious gravity of a person about to do something
       important and unfamiliar. ``Mr. Baxter, let me
       intradooce my cousin, Mr.Crooper. Mr.Crooper,
       this is my friend, Mr. Baxter.''
       The gentlemen shook hands solemnly, saying,
       ``'M very glad to meet you,'' and Johnnie turned
       to Joe Bullitt. ``Mr. Croo--I mean, Mr. Bullitt,
       let me intradooce my friend, Mr. Crooper--I
       mean my cousin, Mr. Crooper. Mr. Crooper is a
       cousin of mine.''
       ``Glad to make your acquaintance, Mr.
       Crooper,'' said Joe. ``I suppose you're a cousin
       of Johnnie's, then?''
       ``Yep,'' said Mr. Crooper, becoming more
       informal. ``Johnnie wrote me to come over for
       this shindig, so I thought I might as well come.''
       He laughed loudly, and the others laughed with
       the same heartiness. ``Yessir,'' he added, ``I
       thought I might as well come, 'cause I'm pretty
       apt to be on hand if there's anything doin'!''
       ``Well, that's right,'' said William, and while
       they all laughed again, Mr. Crooper struck his
       cousin a jovial blow upon the back.
       ``Hi, ole sport!'' he cried, ``I want to meet that
       Miss Pratt before we start. The car'll be along
       pretty soon, and I got her picked for the girl I'm
       goin' to sit by.''
       The laughter of William and Joe Bullitt,
       designed to express cordiality, suddenly became
       flaccid and died. If Mr. Crooper had been a
       sensitive person he might have perceived the chilling
       disapproval in their glances, for they had just
       begun to be most unfavorably impressed with
       him. The careless loudness--almost the
       notoriety--with which he had uttered Miss Pratt's
       name, demanding loosely to be presented to her,
       regardless of the well-known law that a lady must
       first express some wish in such matters--these
       were indications of a coarse nature sure to be more
       than uncongenial to Miss Pratt. Its presence
       might make the whole occasion distasteful to her
       --might spoil her day. Both William and Joe
       Bullitt began to wonder why on earth Johnnie
       Watson didn't have any more sense than to
       invite such a big, fat lummox of a cousin to the
       party.
       This severe phrase of theirs, almost simultaneous
       in the two minds, was not wholly a failure as
       a thumb-nail sketch of Mr. George Crooper.
       And yet there was the impressiveness of size
       about him, especially about his legs and chin.
       At seventeen and eighteen growth is still going
       on, sometimes in a sporadic way, several parts
       seeming to have sprouted faster than others.
       Often the features have not quite settled down
       together in harmony, a mouth, for instance,
       appearing to have gained such a lead over the rest
       of a face, that even a mother may fear it can
       never be overtaken. Voices, too, often seem
       misplaced; one hears, outside the door, the bass
       rumble of a sinister giant, and a mild boy, thin
       as a cricket, walks in. The contrary was George
       Crooper's case; his voice was an unexpected
       piping tenor, half falsetto and frequently girlish
       --as surprising as the absurd voice of an elephant.
       He had the general outwardness of a vast and
       lumpy child. His chin had so distanced his other
       features that his eyes, nose, and brow seemed
       almost baby-like in comparison, while his mountainous
       legs were the great part of the rest of
       him. He was one of those huge, bottle-shaped
       boys who are always in motion in spite of their
       cumbersomeness. His gestures were continuous,
       though difficult to interpret as bearing upon the
       subject of his equally continuous conversation;
       and under all circumstances he kept his conspicuous
       legs incessantly moving, whether he was
       going anywhere or remaining in comparatively
       one spot.
       His expression was pathetically offensive, the
       result of his bland confidence in the audible
       opinions of a small town whereof his father was
       the richest inhabitant--and the one thing about
       him, even more obvious than his chin, his legs,
       and his spectacular taste in flannels, was his
       perfect trust that he was as welcome to every one
       as he was to his mother. This might some day
       lead him in the direction of great pain, but on
       the occasion of the ``subscription party'' for Miss
       Pratt it gave him an advantage.
       ``When do I get to meet that cutie?'' he
       insisted, as Johnnie Watson moved backward from
       the cousinly arm, which threatened further flailing.
       ``You intradooced me to about seven I
       can't do much FOR, but I want to get the howdy
       business over with this Miss Pratt, so I and she
       can get things started. I'm goin' to keep her
       busy all day!''
       ``Well, don't be in such a hurry,'' said Johnnie,
       uneasily. ``You can meet her when we get out
       in the country--if I get a chance, George.''
       ``No, sir!'' George protested, jovially. ``I
       guess you're sad birds over in this town, but look
       out! When I hit a town it don't take long till
       they all hear there's something doin'! You know
       how I am when I get started, Johnnie!'' Here
       he turned upon William, tucking his fat arm
       affectionately through William's thin one. ``Hi,
       sport! Ole Johnnie's so slow, YOU toddle me over
       and get me fixed up with this Miss Pratt, and
       I'll tell her you're the real stuff--after we get
       engaged!''
       He was evidently a true cloud-compeller, this
       horrible George. _