The Grecian camp
Enter Ajax and THERSITES AJAX Thersites!
THERSITES Agamemnon-how if he had boils full, an over, generally?
AJAX Thersites!
THERSITES And those boils did run-say so. Did not the general run
then? Were not that a botchy core?
AJAX Dog!
THERSITES Then there would come some matter from him;
I see none now.
AJAX Thou bitch-wolf's son, canst thou not hear? Feel, then.
[Strikes him] THERSITES The plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrel beef-witted
lord!
AJAX Speak, then, thou whinid'st leaven, speak. I will beat thee
into handsomeness.
THERSITES I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness; but I
think thy horse will sooner con an oration than thou learn a
prayer without book. Thou canst strike, canst thou? A red murrain
o' thy jade's tricks!
AJAX Toadstool, learn me the proclamation.
THERSITES Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strikest me thus?
AJAX The proclamation!
THERSITES Thou art proclaim'd, a fool, I think.
AJAX Do not, porpentine, do not; my fingers itch.
THERSITES I would thou didst itch from head to foot and I had the
scratching of thee; I would make thee the loathsomest scab in
Greece. When thou art forth in the incursions, thou strikest as
slow as another.
AJAX I say, the proclamation.
THERSITES Thou grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles; and
thou art as full of envy at his greatness as Cerberus is at
Proserpina's beauty-ay, that thou bark'st at him.
AJAX Mistress Thersites!
THERSITES Thou shouldst strike him.
AJAX Cobloaf!
THERSITES He would pun thee into shivers with his fist, as a
sailor breaks a biscuit.
AJAX You whoreson cur!
[Strikes him] THERSITES Do, do.
AJAX Thou stool for a witch!
THERSITES Ay, do, do; thou sodden-witted lord! Thou hast no more
brain than I have in mine elbows; an assinico may tutor thee. You
scurvy valiant ass! Thou art here but to thrash Troyans, and thou
art bought and sold among those of any wit like a barbarian
slave. If thou use to beat me, I will begin at thy heel and tell
what thou art by inches, thou thing of no bowels, thou!
AJAX You dog!
THERSITES You scurvy lord!
AJAX You cur!
[Strikes him] THERSITES Mars his idiot! Do, rudeness; do, camel; do, do.
Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS ACHILLES Why, how now, Ajax! Wherefore do you thus?
How now, Thersites! What's the matter, man?
THERSITES You see him there, do you?
ACHILLES Ay; what's the matter?
THERSITES Nay, look upon him.
ACHILLES So I do. What's the matter?
THERSITES Nay, but regard him well.
ACHILLES Well! why, so I do.
THERSITES But yet you look not well upon him; for who some ever
you take him to be, he is Ajax.
ACHILLES I know that, fool.
THERSITES Ay, but that fool knows not himself.
AJAX Therefore I beat thee.
THERSITES Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters! His
evasions have ears thus long. I have bobb'd his brain more than
he has beat my bones. I will buy nine sparrows for a penny, and
his pia mater is not worth the ninth part of a sparrow. This
lord, Achilles, Ajax-who wears his wit in his belly and his guts
in his head-I'll tell you what I say of him.
ACHILLES What?
THERSITES I say this Ajax-
[AJAX offers to strike him] ACHILLES Nay, good Ajax.
THERSITES Has not so much wit-
ACHILLES Nay, I must hold you.
THERSITES As will stop the eye of Helen's needle, for whom he
comes to fight.
ACHILLES Peace, fool.
THERSITES I would have peace and quietness, but the fool will not-
he there; that he; look you there.
AJAX O thou damned cur! I shall-
ACHILLES Will you set your wit to a fool's?
THERSITES No, I warrant you, the fool's will shame it.
PATROCLUS Good words, Thersites.
ACHILLES What's the quarrel?
AJAX I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenour of the
proclamation, and he rails upon me.
THERSITES I serve thee not.
AJAX Well, go to, go to.
THERSITES I serve here voluntary.
ACHILLES Your last service was suff'rance; 'twas not voluntary. No
man is beaten voluntary. Ajax was here the voluntary, and you as
under an impress.
THERSITES E'en so; a great deal of your wit too lies in your
sinews, or else there be liars. Hector shall have a great catch
an he knock out either of your brains: 'a were as good crack a
fusty nut with no kernel.
ACHILLES What, with me too, Thersites?
THERSITES There's Ulysses and old Nestor-whose wit was mouldy ere
your grandsires had nails on their toes-yoke you like draught
oxen, and make you plough up the wars.
ACHILLES What, what?
THERSITES Yes, good sooth. To Achilles, to Ajax, to-
AJAX I shall cut out your tongue.
THERSITES 'Tis no matter; I shall speak as much as thou
afterwards.
PATROCLUS No more words, Thersites; peace!
THERSITES I will hold my peace when Achilles' brach bids me, shall
I?
ACHILLES There's for you, Patroclus.
THERSITES I will see you hang'd like clotpoles ere I come any more
to your tents. I will keep where there is wit stirring, and leave
the faction of fools.
Exit PATROCLUS A good riddance.
ACHILLES Marry, this, sir, is proclaim'd through all our host,
That Hector, by the fifth hour of the sun,
Will with a trumpet 'twixt our tents and Troy,
To-morrow morning, call some knight to arms
That hath a stomach; and such a one that dare
Maintain I know not what; 'tis trash. Farewell.
AJAX Farewell. Who shall answer him?
ACHILLES I know not; 'tis put to lott'ry. Otherwise. He knew his
man.
AJAX O, meaning you! I will go learn more of it.
Exeunt