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Longest Journey, The
PART 1 - CAMBRIDGE   PART 1 - CAMBRIDGE - CHAPTER 14
E M Forster
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       _ On the way back--at that very level-crossing where he had paused
       on his upward route--Rickie stopped suddenly and told the girl
       why he had fainted. Hitherto she had asked him in vain. His tone
       had gone from him, and he told her harshly and brutally, so that
       she started away with a horrified cry. Then his manner altered,
       and he exclaimed: "Will you mind? Are you going to mind?"
       "Of course I mind," she whispered. She turned from him, and saw
       up on the sky-line two figures that seemed to be of enormous
       size.
       "They're watching us. They stand on the edge watching us. This
       country's so open--you--you can't they watch us wherever we go.
       Of course you mind."
       They heard the rumble of the train, and she pulled herself
       together. "Come, dearest, we shall be run over next. We're saying
       things that have no sense." But on the way back he repeated:
       "They can still see us. They can see every inch of this road.
       They watch us for ever." And when they arrived at the steps
       there, sure enough, were still the two figures gazing from the
       outer circle of the Rings.
       She made him go to his room at once: he was almost hysterical.
       Leighton brought out some tea for her, and she sat drinking it on
       the little terrace. Of course she minded.
       Again she was menaced by the abnormal. All had seemed so fair and
       so simple, so in accordance with her ideas; and then, like a
       corpse, this horror rose up to the surface. She saw the two
       figures descend and pause while one of them harnessed the pony;
       she saw them drive downward, and knew that before long she must
       face them and the world. She glanced at her engagement ring.
       When the carriage drove up Mrs. Failing dismounted, but did not
       speak. It was Stephen who inquired after Rickie. She, scarcely
       knowing the sound of her own voice, replied that he was a little
       tired.
       "Go and put up the pony," said Mrs. Failing rather sharply.
       "Agnes, give me some tea."
       "It is rather strong," said Agnes as the carriage drove off and
       left them alone. Then she noticed that Mrs. Failing herself was
       agitated. Her lips were trembling, and she saw the boy depart
       with manifest relief.
       "Do you know," she said hurriedly, as if talking against time--
       "Do you know what upset Rickie?"
       "I do indeed know."
       "Has he told any one else?"
       "I believe not."
       "Agnes--have I been a fool?"
       "You have been very unkind," said the girl, and her eyes filled
       with tears.
       For a moment Mrs. Failing was annoyed. "Unkind? I do not see that
       at all. I believe in looking facts in the face. Rickie must know
       his ghosts some time. Why not this afternoon?"
       She rose with quiet dignity, but her tears came faster. "That is
       not so. You told him to hurt him. I cannot think what you did it
       for. I suppose because he was rude to you after church. It is a
       mean, cowardly revenge.
       "What--what if it's a lie?"
       "Then, Mrs. Failing, it is sickening of you. There is no other
       word. Sickening. I am sorry--a nobody like myself--to speak like
       this. How COULD you, oh, how could you demean yourself? Why, not
       even a poor person--Her indignation was fine and genuine. But her
       tears fell no longer. Nothing menaced her if they were not really
       brothers.
       "It is not a lie, my clear; sit down. I will swear so much
       solemnly. It is not a lie, but--"
       Agnes waited.
       "--we can call it a lie if we choose."
       "I am not so childish. You have said it, and we must all suffer.
       You have had your fun: I conclude you did it for fun. You cannot
       go back. He--" She pointed towards the stables, and could not
       finish her sentence.
       "I have not been a fool twice."
       Agnes did not understand.
       "My dense lady, can't you follow? I have not told Stephen one
       single word, neither before nor now."
       There was a long silence.
       Indeed, Mrs. Failing was in an awkward position.
       Rickie had irritated her, and, in her desire to shock him, she
       had imperilled her own peace. She had felt so unconventional upon
       the hillside, when she loosed the horror against him; but now it
       was darting at her as well. Suppose the scandal came out.
       Stephen, who was absolutely without delicacy, would tell it to
       the people as soon as tell them the time. His paganism would be
       too assertive; it might even be in bad taste. After all, she had
       a prominent position in the neighbourhood; she was talked about,
       respected, looked up to. After all, she was growing old. And
       therefore, though she had no true regard for Rickie, nor for
       Agnes, nor for Stephen, nor for Stephen's parents, in whose
       tragedy she had assisted, yet she did feel that if the scandal
       revived it would disturb the harmony of Cadover, and therefore
       tried to retrace her steps. It is easy to say shocking things: it
       is so different to be connected with anything shocking. Life and
       death were not involved, but comfort and discomfort were.
       The silence was broken by the sound of feet on the gravel. Agnes
       said hastily, "Is that really true--that he knows nothing?"
       "You, Rickie, and I are the only people alive that know. He
       realizes what he is--with a precision that is sometimes alarming.
       Who he is, he doesn't know and doesn't care. I suppose he would
       know when I'm dead. There are papers."
       "Aunt Emily, before he comes, may I say to you I'm sorry I was so
       rude?"
       Mrs. Failing had not disliked her courage. "My dear, you may.
       We're all off our hinges this Sunday. Sit down by me again."
       Agnes obeyed, and they awaited the arrival of Stephen. They were
       clever enough to understand each other. The thing must be hushed
       up. The matron must repair the consequences of her petulance. The
       girl must hide the stain in her future husband's family. Why not?
       Who was injured? What does a grown-up man want with a grown
       brother? Rickie upstairs, how grateful he would be to them for
       saving him.
       "Stephen!"
       "Yes."
       "I'm tired of you. Go and bathe in the sea."
       "All right."
       And the whole thing was settled. She liked no fuss, and so did
       he. He sat down on the step to tighten his bootlaces. Then he
       would be ready. Mrs. Failing laid two or three sovereigns on the
       step above him. Agnes tried to make conversation, and said, with
       averted eyes, that the sea was a long way off.
       "The sea's downhill. That's all I know about it." He swept up the
       money with a word of pleasure: he was kept like a baby in such
       things. Then he started off, but slowly, for he meant to walk
       till the morning.
       "He will be gone days," said Mrs. Failing. "The comedy is
       finished. Let us come in."
       She went to her room. The storm that she had raised had shattered
       her. Yet, because it was stilled for a moment, she resumed her
       old emancipated manner, and spoke of it as a comedy.
       As for Miss Pembroke, she pretended to be emancipated no longer.
       People like "Stephen Wonham" were social thunderbolts, to be
       shunned at all costs, or at almost all costs. Her joy was now
       unfeigned, and she hurried upstairs to impart it to Rickie.
       "I don't think we are rewarded if we do right, but we
       are punished if we lie. It's the fashion to laugh at poetic
       justice, but I do believe in half of it. Cast bitter bread upon
       the waters, and after many days it really will come back to you."
       These were the words of Mr. Failing. They were also the opinions
       of Stewart Ansell, another unpractical person. Rickie was trying
       to write to him when she entered with the good news.
       "Dear, we're saved! He doesn't know, and he never is to know. I
       can't tell you how glad I am. All the time we saw them standing
       together up there, she wasn't telling him at all. She was keeping
       him out of the way, in case you let it out. Oh, I like her! She
       may be unwise, but she is nice, really. She said, 'I've been a
       fool but I haven't been a fool twice.' You must forgive her,
       Rickie. I've forgiven her, and she me; for at first I was so
       angry with her. Oh, my darling boy, I am so glad!"
       He was shivering all over, and could not reply. At last he said,
       "Why hasn't she told him?"
       "Because she has come to her senses."
       "But she can't behave to people like that. She must tell him."
       "Because he must be told such a real thing."
       "Such a real thing?" the girl echoed, screwing up her forehead.
       "But--but you don't mean you're glad about it?"
       His head bowed over the letter. "My God--no! But it's a real
       thing. She must tell him. I nearly told him myself--up there--
       when he made me look at the ground, but you happened to prevent
       me."
       How Providence had watched over them!
       "She won't tell him. I know that much."
       "Then, Agnes, darling"--he drew her to the table "we must talk
       together a little. If she won't, then we ought to."
       "WE tell him?" cried the girl, white with horror. "Tell him now,
       when everything has been comfortably arranged?"
       "You see, darling"--he took hold of her hand--"what one must do
       is to think the thing out and settle what's right, I'm still all
       trembling and stupid. I see it mixed up with other things. I want
       you to help me. It seems to me that here and there in life we
       meet with a person or incident that is symbolical. It's
       nothing in itself, yet for the moment it stands for some eternal
       principle. We accept it, at whatever costs, and we have accepted
       life. But if we are frightened and reject it, the moment, so to
       speak, passes; the symbol is never offered again. Is this
       nonsense? Once before a symbol was offered to me--I shall not
       tell you how; but I did accept it, and cherished it through much
       anxiety and repulsion, and in the end I am rewarded. There will
       be no reward this time. I think, from such a man--the son of such
       a man. But I want to do what is right."
       "Because doing right is its own reward," said Agnes anxiously.
       "I do not think that. I have seen few examples of it. Doing right
       is simply doing right."
       "I think that all you say is wonderfully clever; but since you
       ask me, it IS nonsense, dear Rickie, absolutely."
       "Thank you," he said humbly, and began to stroke her hand. "But
       all my disgust; my indignation with my father, my love for--" He
       broke off; he could not bear to mention the name of his mother.
       "I was trying to say, I oughtn't to follow these impulses too
       much. There are others things. Truth. Our duty to acknowledge
       each man accurately, however vile he is. And apart from ideals"
       (here she had won the battle), "and leaving ideals aside, I
       couldn't meet him and keep silent. It isn't in me. I should blurt
       it out."
       "But you won't meet him!" she cried. "It's all been arranged.
       We've sent him to the sea. Isn't it splendid? He's gone. My own
       boy won't be fantastic, will he?" Then she fought the fantasy on
       its own ground. "And, bye the bye, what you call the 'symbolic
       moment' is over. You had it up by the Rings. You tried to tell
       him, I interrupted you. It's not your fault. You did all you
       could."
       She thought this excellent logic, and was surprised that he
       looked so gloomy. "So he's gone to the sea. For the present that
       does settle it. Has Aunt Emily talked about him yet?"
       "No. Ask her tomorrow if you wish to know. Ask her kindly. It
       would be so dreadful if you did not part friends, and--"
       "What's that?"
       It was Stephen calling up from the drive. He had come back. Agnes
       threw out her hand in despair.
       "Elliot!" the voice called.
       They were facing each other, silent and motionless. Then Rickie
       advanced to the window. The girl darted in front of him. He
       thought he had never seen her so beautiful. She was stopping his
       advance quite frankly, with widespread arms.
       "Elliot!"
       He moved forward--into what? He pretended to himself he would
       rather see his brother before he answered; that it was easier to
       acknowledge him thus. But at the back of his soul he knew that
       the woman had conquered, and that he was moving forward to
       acknowledge her. "If he calls me again--" he thought.
       "Elliot!"
       "Well, if he calls me once again, I will answer him, vile as he
       is."
       He did not call again.
       Stephen had really come back for some tobacco, but as he passed
       under the windows he thought of the poor fellow who had been
       "nipped" (nothing serious, said Mrs. Failing), and determined to
       shout good-bye to him. And once or twice, as he followed the
       river into the darkness, he wondered what it was like to be so
       weak,--not to ride, not to swim, not to care for anything but
       books and a girl.
       They embraced passionately. The danger had brought them very near
       to each other. They both needed a home to confront the menacing
       tumultuous world. And what weary years of work, of waiting, lay
       between them and that home! Still holding her fast, he said, "I
       was writing to Ansell when you came in."
       "Do you owe him a letter?"
       "No." He paused. "I was writing to tell him about this. He would
       help us. He always picks out the important point."
       "Darling, I don't like to say anything, and I know that Mr.
       Ansell would keep a secret, but haven't we picked out the
       important point for ourselves?"
       He released her and tore the letter up. _