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The Uncommercial Traveller
CHAPTER XXI - THE SHORT-TIMERS
Charles Dickens
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       _ 'Within so many yards of this Covent-garden lodging of mine, as
       within so many yards of Westminster Abbey, Saint Paul's Cathedral,
       the Houses of Parliament, the Prisons, the Courts of Justice, all
       the Institutions that govern the land, I can find--MUST find,
       whether I will or no--in the open streets, shameful instances of
       neglect of children, intolerable toleration of the engenderment of
       paupers, idlers, thieves, races of wretched and destructive
       cripples both in body and mind, a misery to themselves, a misery to
       the community, a disgrace to civilisation, and an outrage on
       Christianity.--I know it to be a fact as easy of demonstration as
       any sum in any of the elementary rules of arithmetic, that if the
       State would begin its work and duty at the beginning, and would
       with the strong hand take those children out of the streets, while
       they are yet children, and wisely train them, it would make them a
       part of England's glory, not its shame--of England's strength, not
       its weakness--would raise good soldiers and sailors, and good
       citizens, and many great men, out of the seeds of its criminal
       population. Yet I go on bearing with the enormity as if it were
       nothing, and I go on reading the Parliamentary Debates as if they
       were something, and I concern myself far more about one railway-
       bridge across a public thoroughfare, than about a dozen generations
       of scrofula, ignorance, wickedness, prostitution, poverty, and
       felony. I can slip out at my door, in the small hours after any
       midnight, and, in one circuit of the purlieus of Covent-garden
       Market, can behold a state of infancy and youth, as vile as if a
       Bourbon sat upon the English throne; a great police force looking
       on with authority to do no more than worry and hunt the dreadful
       vermin into corners, and there leave them. Within the length of a
       few streets I can find a workhouse, mismanaged with that dull
       short-sighted obstinacy that its greatest opportunities as to the
       children it receives are lost, and yet not a farthing saved to any
       one. But the wheel goes round, and round, and round; and because
       it goes round--so I am told by the politest authorities--it goes
       well.'
       Thus I reflected, one day in the Whitsun week last past, as I
       floated down the Thames among the bridges, looking--not
       inappropriately--at the drags that were hanging up at certain dirty
       stairs to hook the drowned out, and at the numerous conveniences
       provided to facilitate their tumbling in. My object in that
       uncommercial journey called up another train of thought, and it ran
       as follows:
       'When I was at school, one of seventy boys, I wonder by what secret
       understanding our attention began to wander when we had pored over
       our books for some hours. I wonder by what ingenuity we brought on
       that confused state of mind when sense became nonsense, when
       figures wouldn't work, when dead languages wouldn't construe, when
       live languages wouldn't be spoken, when memory wouldn't come, when
       dulness and vacancy wouldn't go. I cannot remember that we ever
       conspired to be sleepy after dinner, or that we ever particularly
       wanted to be stupid, and to have flushed faces and hot beating
       heads, or to find blank hopelessness and obscurity this afternoon
       in what would become perfectly clear and bright in the freshness of
       to-morrow morning. We suffered for these things, and they made us
       miserable enough. Neither do I remember that we ever bound
       ourselves by any secret oath or other solemn obligation, to find
       the seats getting too hard to be sat upon after a certain time; or
       to have intolerable twitches in our legs, rendering us aggressive
       and malicious with those members; or to be troubled with a similar
       uneasiness in our elbows, attended with fistic consequences to our
       neighbours; or to carry two pounds of lead in the chest, four
       pounds in the head, and several active blue-bottles in each ear.
       Yet, for certain, we suffered under those distresses, and were
       always charged at for labouring under them, as if we had brought
       them on, of our own deliberate act and deed. As to the mental
       portion of them being my own fault in my own case--I should like to
       ask any well-trained and experienced teacher, not to say
       psychologist. And as to the physical portion--I should like to ask
       PROFESSOR OWEN.'
       It happened that I had a small bundle of papers with me, on what is
       called 'The Half-Time System' in schools. Referring to one of
       those papers I found that the indefatigable MR. CHADWICK had been
       beforehand with me, and had already asked Professor Owen: who had
       handsomely replied that I was not to blame, but that, being
       troubled with a skeleton, and having been constituted according to
       certain natural laws, I and my skeleton were unfortunately bound by
       those laws even in school--and had comported ourselves accordingly.
       Much comforted by the good Professor's being on my side, I read on
       to discover whether the indefatigable Mr. Chadwick had taken up the
       mental part of my afflictions. I found that he had, and that he
       had gained on my behalf, SIR BENJAMIN BRODIE, SIR DAVID WILKIE, SIR
       WALTER SCOTT, and the common sense of mankind. For which I beg Mr.
       Chadwick, if this should meet his eye, to accept my warm
       acknowledgments.
       Up to that time I had retained a misgiving that the seventy
       unfortunates of whom I was one, must have been, without knowing it,
       leagued together by the spirit of evil in a sort of perpetual Guy
       Fawkes Plot, to grope about in vaults with dark lanterns after a
       certain period of continuous study. But now the misgiving
       vanished, and I floated on with a quieted mind to see the Half-Time
       System in action. For that was the purpose of my journey, both by
       steamboat on the Thames, and by very dirty railway on the shore.
       To which last institution, I beg to recommend the legal use of coke
       as engine-fuel, rather than the illegal use of coal; the
       recommendation is quite disinterested, for I was most liberally
       supplied with small coal on the journey, for which no charge was
       made. I had not only my eyes, nose, and ears filled, but my hat,
       and all my pockets, and my pocket-book, and my watch.
       The V.D.S.C.R.C. (or Very Dirty and Small Coal Railway Company)
       delivered me close to my destination, and I soon found the Half-
       Time System established in spacious premises, and freely placed at
       my convenience and disposal.
       What would I see first of the Half-Time System? I chose Military
       Drill. 'Atten-tion!' Instantly a hundred boys stood forth in the
       paved yard as one boy; bright, quick, eager, steady, watchful for
       the look of command, instant and ready for the word. Not only was
       there complete precision--complete accord to the eye and to the
       ear--but an alertness in the doing of the thing which deprived it,
       curiously, of its monotonous or mechanical character. There was
       perfect uniformity, and yet an individual spirit and emulation. No
       spectator could doubt that the boys liked it. With non-
       commissioned officers varying from a yard to a yard and a half
       high, the result could not possibly have been attained otherwise.
       They marched, and counter-marched, and formed in line and square,
       and company, and single file and double file, and performed a
       variety of evolutions; all most admirably. In respect of an air of
       enjoyable understanding of what they were about, which seems to be
       forbidden to English soldiers, the boys might have been small
       French troops. When they were dismissed and the broadsword
       exercise, limited to a much smaller number, succeeded, the boys who
       had no part in that new drill, either looked on attentively, or
       disported themselves in a gymnasium hard by. The steadiness of the
       broadsword boys on their short legs, and the firmness with which
       they sustained the different positions, was truly remarkable.
       The broadsword exercise over, suddenly there was great excitement
       and a rush. Naval Drill!
       In the corner of the ground stood a decked mimic ship, with real
       masts, yards, and sails--mainmast seventy feet high. At the word
       of command from the Skipper of this ship--a mahogany-faced Old
       Salt, with the indispensable quid in his cheek, the true nautical
       roll, and all wonderfully complete--the rigging was covered with a
       swarm of boys: one, the first to spring into the shrouds,
       outstripping all the others, and resting on the truck of the main-
       topmast in no time.
       And now we stood out to sea, in a most amazing manner; the Skipper
       himself, the whole crew, the Uncommercial, and all hands present,
       implicitly believing that there was not a moment to lose, that the
       wind had that instant chopped round and sprung up fair, and that we
       were away on a voyage round the world. Get all sail upon her!
       With a will, my lads! Lay out upon the main-yard there! Look
       alive at the weather earring! Cheery, my boys! Let go the sheet,
       now! Stand by at the braces, you! With a will, aloft there!
       Belay, starboard watch! Fifer! Come aft, fifer, and give 'em a
       tune! Forthwith, springs up fifer, fife in hand--smallest boy ever
       seen--big lump on temple, having lately fallen down on a paving-
       stone--gives 'em a tune with all his might and main. Hoo-roar,
       fifer! With a will, my lads! Tip 'em a livelier one, fifer!
       Fifer tips 'em a livelier one, and excitement increases. Shake 'em
       out, my lads! Well done! There you have her! Pretty, pretty!
       Every rag upon her she can carry, wind right astarn, and ship
       cutting through the water fifteen knots an hour!
       At this favourable moment of her voyage, I gave the alarm 'A man
       overboard!' (on the gravel), but he was immediately recovered, none
       the worse. Presently, I observed the Skipper overboard, but
       forbore to mention it, as he seemed in no wise disconcerted by the
       accident. Indeed, I soon came to regard the Skipper as an
       amphibious creature, for he was so perpetually plunging overboard
       to look up at the hands aloft, that he was oftener in the bosom of
       the ocean than on deck. His pride in his crew on those occasions
       was delightful, and the conventional unintelligibility of his
       orders in the ears of uncommercial landlubbers and loblolly boys,
       though they were always intelligible to the crew, was hardly less
       pleasant. But we couldn't expect to go on in this way for ever;
       dirty weather came on, and then worse weather, and when we least
       expected it we got into tremendous difficulties. Screw loose in
       the chart perhaps--something certainly wrong somewhere--but here we
       were with breakers ahead, my lads, driving head on, slap on a lee
       shore! The Skipper broached this terrific announcement in such
       great agitation, that the small fifer, not fifeing now, but
       standing looking on near the wheel with his fife under his arm,
       seemed for the moment quite unboyed, though he speedily recovered
       his presence of mind. In the trying circumstances that ensued, the
       Skipper and the crew proved worthy of one another. The Skipper got
       dreadfully hoarse, but otherwise was master of the situation. The
       man at the wheel did wonders; all hands (except the fifer) were
       turned up to wear ship; and I observed the fifer, when we were at
       our greatest extremity, to refer to some document in his waistcoat-
       pocket, which I conceived to be his will. I think she struck. I
       was not myself conscious of any collision, but I saw the Skipper so
       very often washed overboard and back again, that I could only
       impute it to the beating of the ship. I am not enough of a seaman
       to describe the manoeuvres by which we were saved, but they made
       the Skipper very hot (French polishing his mahogany face) and the
       crew very nimble, and succeeded to a marvel; for, within a few
       minutes of the first alarm, we had wore ship and got her off, and
       were all a-tauto--which I felt very grateful for: not that I knew
       what it was, but that I perceived that we had not been all a-tauto
       lately. Land now appeared on our weather-bow, and we shaped our
       course for it, having the wind abeam, and frequently changing the
       man at the helm, in order that every man might have his spell. We
       worked into harbour under prosperous circumstances, and furled our
       sails, and squared our yards, and made all ship-shape and handsome,
       and so our voyage ended. When I complimented the Skipper at
       parting on his exertions and those of his gallant crew, he informed
       me that the latter were provided for the worst, all hands being
       taught to swim and dive; and he added that the able seaman at the
       main-topmast truck especially, could dive as deep as he could go
       high.
       The next adventure that befell me in my visit to the Short-Timers,
       was the sudden apparition of a military band. I had been
       inspecting the hammocks of the crew of the good ship, when I saw
       with astonishment that several musical instruments, brazen and of
       great size, appeared to have suddenly developed two legs each, and
       to be trotting about a yard. And my astonishment was heightened
       when I observed a large drum, that had previously been leaning
       helpless against a wall, taking up a stout position on four legs.
       Approaching this drum and looking over it, I found two boys behind
       it (it was too much for one), and then I found that each of the
       brazen instruments had brought out a boy, and was going to
       discourse sweet sounds. The boys--not omitting the fifer, now
       playing a new instrument--were dressed in neat uniform, and stood
       up in a circle at their music-stands, like any other Military Band.
       They played a march or two, and then we had Cheer boys, Cheer, and
       then we had Yankee Doodle, and we finished, as in loyal duty bound,
       with God save the Queen. The band's proficiency was perfectly
       wonderful, and it was not at all wonderful that the whole body
       corporate of Short-Timers listened with faces of the liveliest
       interest and pleasure.
       What happened next among the Short-Timers? As if the band had
       blown me into a great class-room out of their brazen tubes, IN a
       great class-room I found myself now, with the whole choral force of
       Short-Timers singing the praises of a summer's day to the
       harmonium, and my small but highly respected friend the fifer
       blazing away vocally, as if he had been saving up his wind for the
       last twelvemonth; also the whole crew of the good ship Nameless
       swarming up and down the scale as if they had never swarmed up and
       down the rigging. This done, we threw our whole power into God
       bless the Prince of Wales, and blessed his Royal Highness to such
       an extent that, for my own Uncommercial part, I gasped again when
       it was over. The moment this was done, we formed, with surpassing
       freshness, into hollow squares, and fell to work at oral lessons as
       if we never did, and had never thought of doing, anything else.
       Let a veil be drawn over the self-committals into which the
       Uncommercial Traveller would have been betrayed but for a discreet
       reticence, coupled with an air of absolute wisdom on the part of
       that artful personage. Take the square of five, multiply it by
       fifteen, divide it by three, deduct eight from it, add four dozen
       to it, give me the result in pence, and tell me how many eggs I
       could get for it at three farthings apiece. The problem is hardly
       stated, when a dozen small boys pour out answers. Some wide, some
       very nearly right, some worked as far as they go with such
       accuracy, as at once to show what link of the chain has been
       dropped in the hurry. For the moment, none are quite right; but
       behold a labouring spirit beating the buttons on its corporeal
       waistcoat, in a process of internal calculation, and knitting an
       accidental bump on its corporeal forehead in a concentration of
       mental arithmetic! It is my honourable friend (if he will allow me
       to call him so) the fifer. With right arm eagerly extended in
       token of being inspired with an answer, and with right leg
       foremost, the fifer solves the mystery: then recalls both arm and
       leg, and with bump in ambush awaits the next poser. Take the
       square of three, multiply it by seven, divide it by four, add fifty
       to it, take thirteen from it, multiply it by two, double it, give
       me the result in pence, and say how many halfpence. Wise as the
       serpent is the four feet of performer on the nearest approach to
       that instrument, whose right arm instantly appears, and quenches
       this arithmetical fire. Tell me something about Great Britain,
       tell me something about its principal productions, tell me
       something about its ports, tell me something about its seas and
       rivers, tell me something about coal, iron, cotton, timber, tin,
       and turpentine. The hollow square bristles with extended right
       arms; but ever faithful to fact is the fifer, ever wise as the
       serpent is the performer on that instrument, ever prominently
       buoyant and brilliant are all members of the band. I observe the
       player of the cymbals to dash at a sounding answer now and then
       rather than not cut in at all; but I take that to be in the way of
       his instrument. All these questions, and many such, are put on the
       spur of the moment, and by one who has never examined these boys.
       The Uncommercial, invited to add another, falteringly demands how
       many birthdays a man born on the twenty-ninth of February will have
       had on completing his fiftieth year? A general perception of trap
       and pitfall instantly arises, and the fifer is seen to retire
       behind the corduroys of his next neighbours, as perceiving special
       necessity for collecting himself and communing with his mind.
       Meanwhile, the wisdom of the serpent suggests that the man will
       have had only one birthday in all that time, for how can any man
       have more than one, seeing that he is born once and dies once? The
       blushing Uncommercial stands corrected, and amends the formula.
       Pondering ensues, two or three wrong answers are offered, and
       Cymbals strikes up 'Six!' but doesn't know why. Then modestly
       emerging from his Academic Grove of corduroys appears the fifer,
       right arm extended, right leg foremost, bump irradiated. 'Twelve,
       and two over!'
       The feminine Short-Timers passed a similar examination, and very
       creditably too. Would have done better perhaps, with a little more
       geniality on the part of their pupil-teacher; for a cold eye, my
       young friend, and a hard, abrupt manner, are not by any means the
       powerful engines that your innocence supposes them to be. Both
       girls and boys wrote excellently, from copy and dictation; both
       could cook; both could mend their own clothes; both could clean up
       everything about them in an orderly and skilful way, the girls
       having womanly household knowledge superadded. Order and method
       began in the songs of the Infant School which I visited likewise,
       and they were even in their dwarf degree to be found in the
       Nursery, where the Uncommercial walking-stick was carried off with
       acclamations, and where 'the Doctor'--a medical gentleman of two,
       who took his degree on the night when he was found at an
       apothecary's door--did the honours of the establishment with great
       urbanity and gaiety.
       These have long been excellent schools; long before the days of the
       Short-Time. I first saw them, twelve or fifteen years ago. But
       since the introduction of the Short-Time system it has been proved
       here that eighteen hours a week of book-learning are more
       profitable than thirty-six, and that the pupils are far quicker and
       brighter than of yore. The good influences of music on the whole
       body of children have likewise been surprisingly proved. Obviously
       another of the immense advantages of the Short-Time system to the
       cause of good education is the great diminution of its cost, and of
       the period of time over which it extends. The last is a most
       important consideration, as poor parents are always impatient to
       profit by their children's labour.
       It will be objected: Firstly, that this is all very well, but
       special local advantages and special selection of children must be
       necessary to such success. Secondly, that this is all very well,
       but must be very expensive. Thirdly, that this is all very well,
       but we have no proof of the results, sir, no proof.
       On the first head of local advantages and special selection. Would
       Limehouse Hole be picked out for the site of a Children's Paradise?
       Or would the legitimate and illegitimate pauper children of the
       long-shore population of such a riverside district, be regarded as
       unusually favourable specimens to work with? Yet these schools are
       at Limehouse, and are the Pauper Schools of the Stepney Pauper
       Union.
       On the second head of expense. Would sixpence a week be considered
       a very large cost for the education of each pupil, including all
       salaries of teachers and rations of teachers? But supposing the
       cost were not sixpence a week, not fivepence? it is FOURPENCE-
       HALFPENNY.
       On the third head of no proof, sir, no proof. Is there any proof
       in the facts that Pupil Teachers more in number, and more highly
       qualified, have been produced here under the Short-Time system than
       under the Long-Time system? That the Short-Timers, in a writing
       competition, beat the Long-Timers of a first-class National School?
       That the sailor-boys are in such demand for merchant ships, that
       whereas, before they were trained, 10l. premium used to be given
       with each boy--too often to some greedy brute of a drunken skipper,
       who disappeared before the term of apprenticeship was out, if the
       ill-used boy didn't--captains of the best character now take these
       boys more than willingly, with no premium at all? That they are
       also much esteemed in the Royal Navy, which they prefer, 'because
       everything is so neat and clean and orderly'? Or, is there any
       proof in Naval captains writing 'Your little fellows are all that I
       can desire'? Or, is there any proof in such testimony as this:
       'The owner of a vessel called at the school, and said that as his
       ship was going down Channel on her last voyage, with one of the
       boys from the school on board, the pilot said, "It would be as well
       if the royal were lowered; I wish it were down." Without waiting
       for any orders, and unobserved by the pilot, the lad, whom they had
       taken on board from the school, instantly mounted the mast and
       lowered the royal, and at the next glance of the pilot to the
       masthead, he perceived that the sail had been let down. He
       exclaimed, "Who's done that job?" The owner, who was on board,
       said, "That was the little fellow whom I put on board two days
       ago." The pilot immediately said, "Why, where could he have been
       brought up?" The boy had never seen the sea or been on a real ship
       before'? Or, is there any proof in these boys being in greater
       demand for Regimental Bands than the Union can meet? Or, in
       ninety-eight of them having gone into Regimental Bands in three
       years? Or, in twelve of them being in the band of one regiment?
       Or, in the colonel of that regiment writing, 'We want six more
       boys; they are excellent lads'? Or, in one of the boys having
       risen to be band-corporal in the same regiment? Or, in employers
       of all kinds chorusing, 'Give us drilled boys, for they are prompt,
       obedient, and punctual'? Other proofs I have myself beheld with
       these Uncommercial eyes, though I do not regard myself as having a
       right to relate in what social positions they have seen respected
       men and women who were once pauper children of the Stepney Union.
       Into what admirable soldiers others of these boys have the
       capabilities for being turned, I need not point out. Many of them
       are always ambitious of military service; and once upon a time when
       an old boy came back to see the old place, a cavalry soldier all
       complete, WITH HIS SPURS ON, such a yearning broke out to get into
       cavalry regiments and wear those sublime appendages, that it was
       one of the greatest excitements ever known in the school. The
       girls make excellent domestic servants, and at certain periods come
       back, a score or two at a time, to see the old building, and to
       take tea with the old teachers, and to hear the old band, and to
       see the old ship with her masts towering up above the neighbouring
       roofs and chimneys. As to the physical health of these schools, it
       is so exceptionally remarkable (simply because the sanitary
       regulations are as good as the other educational arrangements),
       that when Mr. TUFNELL, the Inspector, first stated it in a report,
       he was supposed, in spite of his high character, to have been
       betrayed into some extraordinary mistake or exaggeration. In the
       moral health of these schools--where corporal punishment is
       unknown--Truthfulness stands high. When the ship was first
       erected, the boys were forbidden to go aloft, until the nets, which
       are now always there, were stretched as a precaution against
       accidents. Certain boys, in their eagerness, disobeyed the
       injunction, got out of window in the early daylight, and climbed to
       the masthead. One boy unfortunately fell, and was killed. There
       was no clue to the others; but all the boys were assembled, and the
       chairman of the Board addressed them. 'I promise nothing; you see
       what a dreadful thing has happened; you know what a grave offence
       it is that has led to such a consequence; I cannot say what will be
       done with the offenders; but, boys, you have been trained here,
       above all things, to respect the truth. I want the truth. Who are
       the delinquents?' Instantly, the whole number of boys concerned,
       separated from the rest, and stood out.
       Now, the head and heart of that gentleman (it is needless to say, a
       good head and a good heart) have been deeply interested in these
       schools for many years, and are so still; and the establishment is
       very fortunate in a most admirable master, and moreover the schools
       of the Stepney Union cannot have got to be what they are, without
       the Stepney Board of Guardians having been earnest and humane men
       strongly imbued with a sense of their responsibility. But what one
       set of men can do in this wise, another set of men can do; and this
       is a noble example to all other Bodies and Unions, and a noble
       example to the State. Followed, and enlarged upon by its
       enforcement on bad parents, it would clear London streets of the
       most terrible objects they smite the sight with--myriads of little
       children who awfully reverse Our Saviour's words, and are not of
       the Kingdom of Heaven, but of the Kingdom of Hell.
       Clear the public streets of such shame, and the public conscience
       of such reproach? Ah! Almost prophetic, surely, the child's
       jingle:
       When will that be,
       Say the bells of Step-ney! _