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The Gilded Age
CHAPTER XXXIII
Mark Twain
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       CHAPTER XXXIII
       Laura soon discovered that there were three distinct aristocracies in
       Washington. One of these, (nick-named the Antiques,) consisted of
       cultivated, high-bred old families who looked back with pride upon an
       ancestry that had been always great in the nation's councils and its wars
       from the birth of the republic downward. Into this select circle it was
       difficult to gain admission. No. 2 was the aristocracy of the middle
       ground--of which, more anon. No. 3 lay beyond; of it we will say a word
       here. We will call it the Aristocracy of the Parvenus--as, indeed, the
       general public did. Official position, no matter how obtained, entitled
       a man to a place in it, and carried his family with him, no matter whence
       they sprang. Great wealth gave a man a still higher and nobler place in
       it than did official position. If this wealth had been acquired by
       conspicuous ingenuity, with just a pleasant little spice of illegality
       about it, all the better. This aristocracy was "fast," and not averse to
       ostentation.
       The aristocracy of the Antiques ignored the aristocracy of the Parvenus;
       the Parvenus laughed at the Antiques, (and secretly envied them.)
       There were certain important "society" customs which one in Laura's
       position needed to understand. For instance, when a lady of any
       prominence comes to one of our cities and takes up her residence, all the
       ladies of her grade favor her in turn with an initial call, giving their
       cards to the servant at the door by way of introduction. They come
       singly, sometimes; sometimes in couples; and always in elaborate full
       dress. They talk two minutes and a quarter and then go. If the lady
       receiving the call desires a further acquaintance, she must return the
       visit within two weeks; to neglect it beyond that time means "let the
       matter drop." But if she does return the visit within two weeks, it then
       becomes the other party's privilege to continue the acquaintance or drop
       it. She signifies her willingness to continue it by calling again any
       time within twelve-months; after that, if the parties go on calling upon
       each other once a year, in our large cities, that is sufficient, and the
       acquaintanceship holds good. The thing goes along smoothly, now.
       The annual visits are made and returned with peaceful regularity and
       bland satisfaction, although it is not necessary that the two ladies
       shall actually see each other oftener than once every few years. Their
       cards preserve the intimacy and keep the acquaintanceship intact.
       For instance, Mrs. A. pays her annual visit, sits in her carriage and
       sends in her card with the lower right hand corner turned down, which
       signifies that she has "called in person;" Mrs. B: sends down word that
       she is "engaged" or "wishes to be excused"--or if she is a Parvenu and
       low-bred, she perhaps sends word that she is "not at home." Very good;
       Mrs. A. drives, on happy and content. If Mrs. A.'s daughter marries,
       or a child is born to the family, Mrs. B. calls, sends in her card with
       the upper left hand corner turned down, and then goes along about her
       affairs--for that inverted corner means "Congratulations." If Mrs. B.'s
       husband falls downstairs and breaks his neck, Mrs. A. calls, leaves her
       card with the upper right hand corner turned down, and then takes her
       departure; this corner means "Condolence." It is very necessary to get
       the corners right, else one may unintentionally condole with a friend on
       a wedding or congratulate her upon a funeral. If either lady is about to
       leave the city, she goes to the other's house and leaves her card with
       "P. P. C." engraved under the name--which signifies, "Pay Parting Call."
       But enough of etiquette. Laura was early instructed in the mysteries of
       society life by a competent mentor, and thus was preserved from
       troublesome mistakes.
       The first fashionable call she received from a member of the ancient
       nobility, otherwise the Antiques, was of a pattern with all she received
       from that limb of the aristocracy afterward. This call was paid by Mrs.
       Major-General Fulke-Fulkerson and daughter. They drove up at one in the
       afternoon in a rather antiquated vehicle with a faded coat of arms on the
       panels, an aged white-wooled negro coachman on the box and a younger
       darkey beside him--the footman. Both of these servants were dressed in
       dull brown livery that had seen considerable service.
       The ladies entered the drawing-room in full character; that is to say,
       with Elizabethan stateliness on the part of the dowager, and an easy
       grace and dignity on the part of the young lady that had a nameless
       something about it that suggested conscious superiority. The dresses of
       both ladies were exceedingly rich, as to material, but as notably modest
       as to color and ornament. All parties having seated themselves, the
       dowager delivered herself of a remark that was not unusual in its form,
       and yet it came from her lips with the impressiveness of Scripture:
       "The weather has been unpropitious of late, Miss Hawkins."
       "It has indeed," said Laura. "The climate seems to be variable."
       "It is its nature of old, here," said the daughter--stating it apparently
       as a fact, only, and by her manner waving aside all personal
       responsibility on account of it. "Is it not so, mamma?"
       "Quite so, my child. Do you like winter, Miss Hawkins?" She said "like"
       as if she had, an idea that its dictionary meaning was "approve of."
       "Not as well as summer--though I think all seasons have their charms."
       "It is a very just remark. The general held similar views. He
       considered snow in winter proper; sultriness in summer legitimate; frosts
       in the autumn the same, and rains in spring not objectionable. He was
       not an exacting man. And I call to mind now that he always admired
       thunder. You remember, child, your father always admired thunder?"
       "He adored it."
       No doubt it reminded him of battle," said Laura.
       "Yes, I think perhaps it did. He had a great respect for Nature.
       He often said there was something striking about the ocean. You remember
       his saying that, daughter?"
       "Yes, often, Mother. I remember it very well."
       "And hurricanes... He took a great interest in hurricanes. And animals.
       Dogs, especially--hunting dogs. Also comets. I think we all have our
       predilections. I think it is this that gives variety to our tastes."
       Laura coincided with this view.
       "Do you find it hard and lonely to be so far from your home and friends,
       Miss Hawkins?"
       "I do find it depressing sometimes, but then there is so much about me
       here that is novel and interesting that my days are made up more of
       sunshine than shadow."
       "Washington is not a dull city in the season," said the young lady.
       "We have some very good society indeed, and one need not be at a loss for
       means to pass the time pleasantly. Are you fond of watering-places, Miss
       Hawkins?"
       "I have really had no experience of them, but I have always felt a strong
       desire to see something of fashionable watering-place life."
       "We of Washington are unfortunately situated in that respect," said the
       dowager. "It is a tedious distance to Newport. But there is no help for
       it."
       Laura said to herself, "Long Branch and Cape May are nearer than Newport;
       doubtless these places are low; I'll feel my way a little and see." Then
       she said aloud:
       "Why I thought that Long Branch--"
       There was no need to "feel" any further--there was that in both faces
       before her which made that truth apparent. The dowager said:
       "Nobody goes there, Miss Hawkins--at least only persons of no position in
       society. And the President." She added that with tranquility.
       "Newport is damp, and cold, and windy and excessively disagreeable," said
       the daughter, "but it is very select. One cannot be fastidious about
       minor matters when one has no choice."
       The visit had spun out nearly three minutes, now. Both ladies rose with
       grave dignity, conferred upon Laura a formal invitation to call, aid then
       retired from the conference. Laura remained in the drawing-room and left
       them to pilot themselves out of the house--an inhospitable thing,
       it seemed to her, but then she was following her instructions. She
       stood, steeped in reverie, a while, and then she said:
       "I think I could always enjoy icebergs--as scenery but not as company."
       Still, she knew these two people by reputation, and was aware that they
       were not ice-bergs when they were in their own waters and amid their
       legitimate surroundings, but on the contrary were people to be respected
       for their stainless characters and esteemed for their social virtues and
       their benevolent impulses. She thought it a pity that they had to be
       such changed and dreary creatures on occasions of state.
       The first call Laura received from the other extremity of the Washington
       aristocracy followed close upon the heels of the one we have just been
       describing. The callers this time were the Hon. Mrs. Oliver Higgins,
       the Hon. Mrs. Patrique Oreille (pronounced O-relay,) Miss Bridget
       (pronounced Breezhay) Oreille, Mrs. Peter Gashly, Miss Gashly, and Miss
       Emmeline Gashly.
       The three carriages arrived at the same moment from different directions.
       They were new and wonderfully shiny, and the brasses on the harness were
       highly polished and bore complicated monograms. There were showy coats
       of arms, too, with Latin mottoes. The coachmen and footmen were clad in
       bright new livery, of striking colors, and they had black rosettes with
       shaving-brushes projecting above them, on the sides of their stove-pipe
       hats.
       When the visitors swept into the drawing-room they filled the place with
       a suffocating sweetness procured at the perfumer's. Their costumes, as
       to architecture, were the latest fashion intensified; they were rainbow-
       hued; they were hung with jewels--chiefly diamonds. It would have been
       plain to any eye that it had cost something to upholster these women.
       The Hon. Mrs. Oliver Higgins was the wife of a delegate from a distant
       territory--a gentleman who had kept the principal "saloon," and sold the
       best whiskey in the principal village in his wilderness, and so, of
       course, was recognized as the first man of his commonwealth and its
       fittest representative.
       He was a man of paramount influence at home, for he was public spirited,
       he was chief of the fire department, he had an admirable command of
       profane language, and had killed several "parties." His shirt fronts
       were always immaculate; his boots daintily polished, and no man could
       lift a foot and fire a dead shot at a stray speck of dirt on it with a
       white handkerchief with a finer grace than he; his watch chain weighed a
       pound; the gold in his finger ring was worth forty five dollars; he wore
       a diamond cluster-pin and he parted his hair behind. He had always been,
       regarded as the most elegant gentleman in his territory, and it was
       conceded by all that no man thereabouts was anywhere near his equal in
       the telling of an obscene story except the venerable white-haired
       governor himself. The Hon. Higgins had not come to serve his country in
       Washington for nothing. The appropriation which he had engineered
       through Congress for the maintenance, of the Indians in his Territory
       would have made all those savages rich if it had ever got to them.
       The Hon. Mrs. Higgins was a picturesque woman, and a fluent talker, and
       she held a tolerably high station among the Parvenus. Her English was
       fair enough, as a general thing--though, being of New York origin, she
       had the fashion peculiar to many natives of that city of pronouncing saw
       and law as if they were spelt sawr and lawr.
       Petroleum was the agent that had suddenly transformed the Gashlys from
       modest hard-working country village folk into "loud" aristocrats and
       ornaments of the city.
       The Hon. Patrique Oreille was a wealthy Frenchman from Cork. Not that he
       was wealthy when he first came from Cork, but just the reverse. When he
       first landed in New York with his wife, he had only halted at Castle
       Garden for a few minutes to receive and exhibit papers showing that he
       had resided in this country two years--and then he voted the democratic
       ticket and went up town to hunt a house. He found one and then went to
       work as assistant to an architect and builder, carrying a hod all day and
       studying politics evenings. Industry and economy soon enabled him to
       start a low rum shop in a foul locality, and this gave him political
       influence. In our country it is always our first care to see that our
       people have the opportunity of voting for their choice of men to
       represent and govern them--we do not permit our great officials to
       appoint the little officials. We prefer to have so tremendous a power as
       that in our own hands. We hold it safest to elect our judges and
       everybody else. In our cities, the ward meetings elect delegates to the
       nominating conventions and instruct them whom to nominate. The publicans
       and their retainers rule the ward meetings (for every body else hates the
       worry of politics and stays at home); the delegates from the ward
       meetings organize as a nominating convention and make up a list of
       candidates--one convention offering a democratic and another a republican
       list of incorruptibles; and then the great meek public come forward at
       the proper time and make unhampered choice and bless Heaven that they
       live in a free land where no form of despotism can ever intrude.
       Patrick O'Riley (as his name then stood) created friends and influence
       very, fast, for he was always on hand at the police courts to give straw
       bail for his customers or establish an alibi for them in case they had
       been beating anybody to death on his premises. Consequently he presently
       became a political leader, and was elected to a petty office under the
       city government. Out of a meager salary he soon saved money enough to
       open quite a stylish liquor saloon higher up town, with a faro bank
       attached and plenty of capital to conduct it with. This gave him fame
       and great respectability. The position of alderman was forced upon him,
       and it was just the same as presenting him a gold mine. He had fine
       horses and carriages, now, and closed up his whiskey mill.
       By and by he became a large contractor for city work, and was a bosom
       friend of the great and good Wm. M. Weed himself, who had stolen
       $20,600,000 from the city and was a man so envied, so honored,--so
       adored, indeed, that when the sheriff went to his office to arrest him as
       a felon, that sheriff blushed and apologized, and one of the illustrated
       papers made a picture of the scene and spoke of the matter in such a way
       as to show that the editor regretted that the offense of an arrest had
       been offered to so exalted a personage as Mr. Weed.
       Mr. O'Riley furnished shingle nails to, the new Court House at three
       thousand dollars a keg, and eighteen gross of 60-cent thermometers at
       fifteen hundred dollars a dozen; the controller and the board of audit
       passed the bills, and a mayor, who was simply ignorant but not criminal,
       signed them. When they were paid, Mr. O'Riley's admirers gave him a
       solitaire diamond pin of the size of a filbert, in imitation of the
       liberality of Mr. Weed's friends, and then Mr. O'Riley retired from
       active service and amused himself with buying real estate at enormous
       figures and holding it in other people's names. By and by the newspapers
       came out with exposures and called Weed and O'Riley "thieves,"--whereupon
       the people rose as one man (voting repeatedly) and elected the two
       gentlemen to their proper theatre of action, the New York legislature.
       The newspapers clamored, and the courts proceeded to try the new
       legislators for their small irregularities. Our admirable jury system
       enabled the persecuted ex-officials to secure a jury of nine gentlemen
       from a neighboring asylum and three graduates from Sing-Sing, and
       presently they walked forth with characters vindicated. The legislature
       was called upon to spew them forth--a thing which the legislature
       declined to do. It was like asking children to repudiate their own
       father. It was a legislature of the modern pattern.
       Being now wealthy and distinguished, Mr. O'Riley, still bearing the
       legislative "Hon." attached to his name (for titles never die in America,
       although we do take a republican pride in poking fun at such trifles),
       sailed for Europe with his family. They traveled all about, turning
       their noses up at every thing, and not finding it a difficult thing to
       do, either, because nature had originally given those features a cast in
       that direction; and finally they established themselves in Paris, that
       Paradise of Americans of their sort.--They staid there two years and
       learned to speak English with a foreign accent--not that it hadn't always
       had a foreign accent (which was indeed the case) but now the nature of it
       was changed. Finally they returned home and became ultra fashionables.
       They landed here as the Hon. Patrique Oreille and family, and so are
       known unto this day.
       Laura provided seats for her visitors and they immediately launched forth
       into a breezy, sparkling conversation with that easy confidence which is
       to be found only among persons accustomed to high life.
       "I've been intending to call sooner, Miss Hawkins," said the Hon. Mrs.
       Oreille, "but the weather's been so horrid. How do you like Washington?"
       Laura liked it very well indeed.
       Mrs. Gashly--"Is it your first visit?"
       Yea, it was her first.
       All--"Indeed?"
       Mrs. Oreille--"I'm afraid you'll despise the weather, Miss Hawkins.
       It's perfectly awful. It always is. I tell Mr. Oreille I can't and
       I won't put up with any such a climate. If we were obliged to do it,
       I wouldn't mind it; but we are not obliged to, and so I don't see the use
       of it. Sometimes its real pitiful the way the childern pine for Parry--
       don't look so sad, Bridget, 'ma chere'--poor child, she can't hear Parry
       mentioned without getting the blues."
       Mrs. Gashly--"Well I should think so, Mrs. Oreille. A body lives in
       Paris, but a body, only stays here. I dote on Paris; I'd druther scrimp
       along on ten thousand dollars a year there, than suffer and worry here on
       a real decent income."
       Miss Gashly--"Well then, I wish you'd take us back, mother; I'm sure I
       hate this stoopid country enough, even if it is our dear native land."
       Miss Emmeline Gashly--"What and leave poor Johnny Peterson behind?" [An
       airy genial laugh applauded this sally].
       Miss Gashly--"Sister, I should think you'd be ashamed of yourself!"
       Miss Emmeline--"Oh, you needn't ruffle your feathers so: I was only
       joking. He don't mean anything by coming to, the house every evening--
       only comes to see mother. Of course that's all!" [General laughter].
       Miss G. prettily confused--"Emmeline, how can you!"
       Mrs. G.--"Let your sister alone, Emmeline. I never saw such a tease!"
       Mrs. Oreille--"What lovely corals you have, Miss Hawkins! Just look at
       them, Bridget, dear. I've a great passion for corals--it's a pity
       they're getting a little common. I have some elegant ones--not as
       elegant as yours, though--but of course I don't wear them now."
       Laura--"I suppose they are rather common, but still I have a great
       affection for these, because they were given to me by a dear old friend
       of our family named Murphy. He was a very charming man, but very
       eccentric. We always supposed he was an Irishman, but after be got rich
       he went abroad for a year or two, and when he came back you would have
       been amused to see how interested he was in a potato. He asked what it
       was! Now you know that when Providence shapes a mouth especially for the
       accommodation of a potato you can detect that fact at a glance when that
       mouth is in repose--foreign travel can never remove that sign. But he
       was a very delightful gentleman, and his little foible did not hurt him
       at all. We all have our shams--I suppose there is a sham somewhere about
       every individual, if we could manage to ferret it out. I would so like
       to go to France. I suppose our society here compares very favorably with
       French society does it not, Mrs. Oreille?"
       Mrs. O.--"Not by any means, Miss Hawkins! French society is much more
       elegant--much more so."
       Laura--"I am sorry to hear that. I suppose ours has deteriorated of
       late."
       Mrs. O.--"Very much indeed. There are people in society here that have
       really no more money to live on than what some of us pay for servant
       hire. Still I won't say but what some of them are very good people--and
       respectable, too."
       Laura--"The old families seem to be holding themselves aloof, from what I
       hear. I suppose you seldom meet in society now, the people you used to
       be familiar with twelve or fifteen years ago?"
       Mrs. O.--"Oh, no-hardly ever."
       Mr. O'Riley kept his first rum-mill and protected his customers from the
       law in those days, and this turn of the conversation was rather
       uncomfortable to madame than otherwise.
       Hon. Mrs. Higgins--"Is Francois' health good now, Mrs. Oreille?"
       Mrs. O.--(Thankful for the intervention)--"Not very. A body couldn't
       expect it. He was always delicate--especially his lungs--and this odious
       climate tells on him strong, now, after Parry, which is so mild."
       Mrs. H:--"I should think so. Husband says Percy'll die if he don't have
       a change; and so I'm going to swap round a little and see what can be
       done. I saw a lady from Florida last week, and she recommended Key West.
       I told her Percy couldn't abide winds, as he was threatened with a
       pulmonary affection, and then she said try St. Augustine. It's an awful
       distance--ten or twelve hundred mile, they say but then in a case of this
       kind--a body can't stand back for trouble, you know."
       Mrs. O.--"No, of course that's off. If Francois don't get better soon
       we've got to look out for some other place, or else Europe. We've
       thought some of the Hot Springs, but I don't know. It's a great
       responsibility and a body wants to go cautious. Is Hildebrand about
       again, Mrs. Gashly?"
       Mrs. G.--"Yes, but that's about all. It was indigestion, you know, and
       it looks as if it was chronic. And you know I do dread dyspepsia. We've
       all been worried a good deal about him. The doctor recommended baked
       apple and spoiled meat, and I think it done him good. It's about the
       only thing that will stay on his stomach now-a-days. We have Dr. Shovel
       now. Who's your doctor, Mrs. Higgins?"
       Mrs. H.--"Well, we had Dr. Spooner a good while, but he runs so much to
       emetics, which I think are weakening, that we changed off and took Dr.
       Leathers. We like him very much. He has a fine European reputation,
       too. The first thing he suggested for Percy was to have him taken out in
       the back yard for an airing, every afternoon, with nothing at all on."
       Mrs. O. and Mrs. G.--"What!"
       Mrs. H.--"As true as I'm sitting here. And it actually helped him for
       two or three days; it did indeed. But after that the doctor said it
       seemed to be too severe and so he has fell back on hot foot-baths at
       night and cold showers in the morning. But I don't think there, can be
       any good sound help for him in such a climate as this. I believe we are
       going to lose him if we don't make a change."
       Mrs. O. "I suppose you heard of the fright we had two weeks ago last
       Saturday? No? Why that is strange--but come to remember, you've all
       been away to Richmond. Francois tumbled from the sky light--in the
       second-story hall clean down to the first floor--"
       Everybody--"Mercy!"
       Mrs. O.--"Yes indeed--and broke two of his ribs--"
       Everybody--"What!"
       Mrs. O. "Just as true as you live. First we thought he must be injured
       internally. It was fifteen minutes past 8 in the evening. Of course we
       were all distracted in a moment--everybody was flying everywhere, and
       nobody doing anything worth anything. By and by I flung out next door
       and dragged in Dr. Sprague; President of the Medical University no time
       to go for our own doctor of course--and the minute he saw Francois he
       said, 'Send for your own physician, madam;' said it as cross as a bear,
       too, and turned right on his heel, and cleared out without doing a
       thing!"
       Everybody--"The mean, contemptible brute!"
       Mrs. O--"Well you may say it. I was nearly out of my wits by this time.
       But we hurried off the servants after our own doctor and telegraphed
       mother--she was in New York and rushed down on the first train; and when
       the doctor got there, lo and behold you he found Francois had broke one
       of his legs, too!"
       Everybody--"Goodness!"
       Mrs. O.--"Yes. So he set his leg and bandaged it up, and fixed his ribs
       and gave him a dose of something to quiet down his excitement and put him
       to sleep--poor thing he was trembling and frightened to death and it was
       pitiful to see him. We had him in my bed--Mr. Oreille slept in the guest
       room and I laid down beside Francois--but not to sleep bless you no.
       Bridget and I set up all night, and the doctor staid till two in the
       morning, bless his old heart.--When mother got there she was so used up
       with anxiety, that she had to go to bed and have the doctor; but when she
       found that Francois was not in immediate danger she rallied, and by night
       she was able to take a watch herself. Well for three days and nights we
       three never left that bedside only to take an hour's nap at a time.
       And then the doctor said Francois was out of danger and if ever there was
       a thankful set, in this world, it was us."
       Laura's respect for these, women had augmented during this conversation,
       naturally enough; affection and devotion are qualities that are able to
       adorn and render beautiful a character that is otherwise unattractive,
       and even repulsive.
       Mrs. Gashly--"I do believe I would a died if I had been in your place,
       Mrs. Oreille. The time Hildebrand was so low with the pneumonia Emmeline
       and me were all, alone with him most of the time and we never took a
       minute's sleep for as much as two days, and nights. It was at Newport
       and we wouldn't trust hired nurses. One afternoon he had a fit, and
       jumped up and run out on the portico of the hotel with nothing in the
       world on and the wind a blowing liken ice and we after him scared to
       death; and when the ladies and gentlemen saw that he had a fit, every
       lady scattered for her room and not a gentleman lifted his hand to help,
       the wretches! Well after that his life hung by a thread for as much as
       ten days, and the minute he was out of danger Emmeline and me just went
       to bed sick and worn out. I never want to pass through such a time
       again. Poor dear Francois--which leg did he break, Mrs. Oreille!"
       Mrs. O.--"It was his right hand hind leg. Jump down, Francois dear, and
       show the ladies what a cruel limp you've got yet."
       Francois demurred, but being coaxed and delivered gently upon the floor,
       he performed very satisfactorily, with his "right hand hind leg" in the
       air. All were affected--even Laura--but hers was an affection of the
       stomach. The country-bred girl had not suspected that the little whining
       ten-ounce black and tan reptile, clad in a red embroidered pigmy blanket
       and reposing in Mrs. Oreille's lap all through the visit was the
       individual whose sufferings had been stirring the dormant generosities of
       her nature. She said:
       "Poor little creature! You might have lost him!"
       Mrs. O.--" O pray don't mention it, Miss Hawkins--it gives me such a
       turn!"
       Laura--"And Hildebrand and Percy--are they-are they like this one?"
       Mrs. G.--"No, Hilly has considerable Skye blood in him, I believe."
       Mrs. H.--"Percy's the same, only he is two months and ten days older and
       has his ears cropped. His father, Martin Farquhar Tupper, was sickly,
       and died young, but he was the sweetest disposition.--His mother had
       heart disease but was very gentle and resigned, and a wonderful ratter."
       --[** As impossible and exasperating as this conversation may sound to a
       person who is not an idiot, it is scarcely in any respect an exaggeration
       of one which one of us actually listened to in an American drawing room--
       otherwise we could not venture to put such a chapter into a book which,
       professes to deal with social possibilities.--THE AUTHORS.]
       So carried away had the visitors become by their interest attaching to
       this discussion of family matters, that their stay had been prolonged to
       a very improper and unfashionable length; but they suddenly recollected
       themselves now and took their departure.
       Laura's scorn was boundless. The more she thought of these people and
       their extraordinary talk, the more offensive they seemed to her; and yet
       she confessed that if one must choose between the two extreme
       aristocracies it might be best, on the whole, looking at things from a
       strictly business point of view, to herd with the Parvenus; she was in
       Washington solely to compass a certain matter and to do it at any cost,
       and these people might be useful to her, while it was plain that her
       purposes and her schemes for pushing them would not find favor in the
       eyes of the Antiques. If it came to choice--and it might come to that,
       sooner or later--she believed she could come to a decision without much
       difficulty or many pangs.
       But the best aristocracy of the three Washington castes, and really the
       most powerful, by far, was that of the Middle Ground: It was made up of
       the families of public men from nearly every state in the Union--men who
       held positions in both the executive and legislative branches of the
       government, and whose characters had been for years blemishless, both at
       home and at the capital. These gentlemen and their households were
       unostentatious people; they were educated and refined; they troubled
       themselves but little about the two other orders of nobility, but moved
       serenely in their wide orbit, confident in their own strength and well
       aware of the potency of their influence. They had no troublesome
       appearances to keep up, no rivalries which they cared to distress
       themselves about, no jealousies to fret over. They could afford to mind
       their own affairs and leave other combinations to do the same or do
       otherwise, just as they chose. They were people who were beyond
       reproach, and that was sufficient.
       Senator Dilworthy never came into collision with any of these factions.
       He labored for them all and with them all. He said that all men were
       brethren and all were entitled to the honest unselfish help and
       countenance of a Christian laborer in the public vineyard.
       Laura concluded, after reflection, to let circumstances determine the
       course it might be best for her to pursue as regarded the several
       aristocracies.
       Now it might occur to the reader that perhaps Laura had been somewhat
       rudely suggestive in her remarks to Mrs. Oreille when the subject of
       corals was under discussion, but it did not occur to Laura herself.
       She was not a person of exaggerated refinement; indeed, the society and
       the influences that had formed her character had not been of a nature
       calculated to make her so; she thought that "give and take was fair
       play," and that to parry an offensive thrust with a sarcasm was a neat
       and legitimate thing to do. She some times talked to people in a way
       which some ladies would consider, actually shocking; but Laura rather
       prided herself upon some of her exploits of that character. We are sorry
       we cannot make her a faultless heroine; but we cannot, for the reason
       that she was human.
       She considered herself a superior conversationist. Long ago, when the
       possibility had first been brought before her mind that some day she
       might move in Washington society, she had recognized the fact that
       practiced conversational powers would be a necessary weapon in that
       field; she had also recognized the fact that since her dealings there
       must be mainly with men, and men whom she supposed to be exceptionally
       cultivated and able, she would need heavier shot in her magazine than
       mere brilliant "society" nothings; whereupon she had at once entered upon
       a tireless and elaborate course of reading, and had never since ceased to
       devote every unoccupied moment to this sort of preparation. Having now
       acquired a happy smattering of various information, she used it with good
       effect--she passed for a singularly well informed woman in Washington.
       The quality of her literary tastes had necessarily undergone constant
       improvement under this regimen, and as necessarily, also; the duality of
       her language had improved, though it cannot be denied that now and then
       her former condition of life betrayed itself in just perceptible
       inelegancies of expression and lapses of grammar.
       Content of CHAPTER XXXIII [Mark Twain/C. D. Warner's novel: The Gilded Age]
       _