A bedchamber in the LORD'S house
Enter aloft SLY, with ATTENDANTS; some with apparel, basin and ewer, and other appurtenances; and LORD SLY For God's sake, a pot of small ale.
FIRST SERVANT Will't please your lordship drink a cup of sack?
SECOND SERVANT Will't please your honour taste of these
conserves?
THIRD SERVANT What raiment will your honour wear to-day?
SLY I am Christophero Sly; call not me 'honour' nor
'lordship.' I ne'er drank sack in my life; and if you give
me any conserves, give me conserves of beef. Ne'er ask me
what raiment I'll wear, for I have no more doublets than
backs, no more stockings than legs, nor no more shoes than
feet- nay, sometime more feet than shoes, or such shoes as
my toes look through the overleather.
LORD Heaven cease this idle humour in your honour!
O, that a mighty man of such descent,
Of such possessions, and so high esteem,
Should be infused with so foul a spirit!
SLY What, would you make me mad? Am not I Christopher Sly, old
Sly's son of Burton Heath; by birth a pedlar, by education a
cardmaker, by transmutation a bear-herd, and now by present
profession a tinker? Ask Marian Hacket, the fat ale-wife of
Wincot, if she know me not; if she say I am not fourteen
pence on the score for sheer ale, score me up for the
lying'st knave in Christendom. What! I am not bestraught.
[Taking a pot of ale] Here's-
THIRD SERVANT O, this it is that makes your lady mourn!
SECOND SERVANT O, this is it that makes your servants droop!
LORD Hence comes it that your kindred shuns your house,
As beaten hence by your strange lunacy.
O noble lord, bethink thee of thy birth!
Call home thy ancient thoughts from banishment,
And banish hence these abject lowly dreams.
Look how thy servants do attend on thee,
Each in his office ready at thy beck.
Wilt thou have music? Hark! Apollo plays,
[Music] And twenty caged nightingales do sing.
Or wilt thou sleep? We'll have thee to a couch
Softer and sweeter than the lustful bed
On purpose trimm'd up for Semiramis.
Say thou wilt walk: we will bestrew the ground.
Or wilt thou ride? Thy horses shall be trapp'd,
Their harness studded all with gold and pearl.
Dost thou love hawking? Thou hast hawks will soar
Above the morning lark. Or wilt thou hunt?
Thy hounds shall make the welkin answer them
And fetch shall echoes from the hollow earth.
FIRST SERVANT Say thou wilt course; thy greyhounds are as swift
As breathed stags; ay, fleeter than the roe.
SECOND SERVANT Dost thou love pictures? We will fetch thee straight
Adonis painted by a running brook,
And Cytherea all in sedges hid,
Which seem to move and wanton with her breath
Even as the waving sedges play wi' th' wind.
LORD We'll show thee Io as she was a maid
And how she was beguiled and surpris'd,
As lively painted as the deed was done.
THIRD SERVANT Or Daphne roaming through a thorny wood,
Scratching her legs, that one shall swear she bleeds
And at that sight shall sad Apollo weep,
So workmanly the blood and tears are drawn.
LORD Thou art a lord, and nothing but a lord.
Thou hast a lady far more beautiful
Than any woman in this waning age.
FIRST SERVANT And, till the tears that she hath shed for thee
Like envious floods o'er-run her lovely face,
She was the fairest creature in the world;
And yet she is inferior to none.
SLY Am I a lord and have I such a lady?
Or do I dream? Or have I dream'd till now?
I do not sleep: I see, I hear, I speak;
I smell sweet savours, and I feel soft things.
Upon my life, I am a lord indeed,
And not a tinker, nor Christopher Sly.
Well, bring our lady hither to our sight;
And once again, a pot o' th' smallest ale.
SECOND SERVANT Will't please your Mightiness to wash your hands?
O, how we joy to see your wit restor'd!
O, that once more you knew but what you are!
These fifteen years you have been in a dream;
Or, when you wak'd, so wak'd as if you slept.
SLY These fifteen years! by my fay, a goodly nap.
But did I never speak of all that time?
FIRST SERVANT O, yes, my lord, but very idle words;
For though you lay here in this goodly chamber,
Yet would you say ye were beaten out of door;
And rail upon the hostess of the house,
And say you would present her at the leet,
Because she brought stone jugs and no seal'd quarts.
Sometimes you would call out for Cicely Hacket.
SLY Ay, the woman's maid of the house.
THIRD SERVANT Why, sir, you know no house nor no such maid,
Nor no such men as you have reckon'd up,
As Stephen Sly, and old John Naps of Greece,
And Peter Turph, and Henry Pimpernell;
And twenty more such names and men as these,
Which never were, nor no man ever saw.
SLY Now, Lord be thanked for my good amends!
ALL Amen.
Enter the PAGE as a lady, with ATTENDANTS SLY I thank thee; thou shalt not lose by it.
PAGE How fares my noble lord?
SLY Marry, I fare well; for here is cheer enough.
Where is my wife?
PAGE Here, noble lord; what is thy will with her?
SLY Are you my wife, and will not call me husband?
My men should call me 'lord'; I am your goodman.
PAGE My husband and my lord, my lord and husband;
I am your wife in all obedience.
SLY I know it well. What must I call her?
LORD Madam.
SLY Al'ce madam, or Joan madam?
LORD Madam, and nothing else; so lords call ladies.
SLY Madam wife, they say that I have dream'd
And slept above some fifteen year or more.
PAGE Ay, and the time seems thirty unto me,
Being all this time abandon'd from your bed.
SLY 'Tis much. Servants, leave me and her alone.
Exeunt SERVANTS Madam, undress you, and come now to bed.
PAGE Thrice noble lord, let me entreat of you
To pardon me yet for a night or two;
Or, if not so, until the sun be set.
For your physicians have expressly charg'd,
In peril to incur your former malady,
That I should yet absent me from your bed.
I hope this reason stands for my excuse.
SLY Ay, it stands so that I may hardly tarry so long. But I
would be loath to fall into my dreams again. I will
therefore tarry in despite of the flesh and the blood.
Enter a MESSENGER MESSENGER Your honour's players, hearing your amendment,
Are come to play a pleasant comedy;
For so your doctors hold it very meet,
Seeing too much sadness hath congeal'd your blood,
And melancholy is the nurse of frenzy.
Therefore they thought it good you hear a play
And frame your mind to mirth and merriment,
Which bars a thousand harms and lengthens life.
SLY Marry, I will; let them play it. Is not a comonty a
Christmas gambold or a tumbling-trick?
PAGE No, my good lord, it is more pleasing stuff.
SLY What, household stuff?
PAGE It is a kind of history.
SLY Well, we'll see't. Come, madam wife, sit by my side and
let the world slip;-we shall ne'er be younger.
[They sit down] A flourish of trumpets announces the play