_ CHAPTER LII. WHICH RECORDS SEVERAL AMUSING THINGS THAT TOOK PLACE WHEN THE ICE WAS DISSOLVED
NOVEL as the punishment I have described in the previous chapter may appear to the grave reader, it was not without its severity. If any one doubt this, let him but try the experiment, and I warrant that a few seconds will be sufficient to convince him; and if he be of a merry turn of mind, let him get some kind friend to try the experiment in his presence; but be sure that the performance takes place in the presence of not less than three priests, all of whom must preserve the most solemn demeanor. And now to the matter of the release.
When then the ice was melted, and the culprits were restored to their clothes, the general thanked the priests for their great kindness, and congratulated himself that this most remarkable event, which completely put to blush all the other events of his life, had in no way damped his ardor for great military exploits. "I have great discernment, Tickler," said the general, rubbing his haunches, "and unless the fates come against me, rely upon it this envy of the king will cost him dearly. A little more strength at our backs, and I had made him dance to the tune of this sword of mine." "If your excellency would take my advice," replied Tickler, "he would get speedily home, for if this barbarous vagabond of a king should take it into his head to give us another melting down on the ice, I would not give a straw for either of our lives." An escort, mounted on mules and asses, now arrived and put an end to this dialogue, for it was the signal for the general and his secretary to pack up their alls. And this being done with the assistance of the priests, they were soon mounted, (the general upon old Battle and Mr. Tickler on his mule,) and on their way to Jollifee, a small town on the coast, which they reached in due season, and where this remarkable plenipotentiary spent several months unmolested. I say unmolested, for in truth all trace of him, so far as the public were concerned, seemed to have been obliterated for a time; but he was in reality busying himself carrying on a deep intrigue with Don Perez, for getting possession of the kingdom; as to Mr. Tickler, he betook himself to studying the language of the country, his want of which he discovered had nearly cost him his life.
While then they sojourned at Jollifee, various remarkable dispatches were transmitted to Washington, in all of which the general set forth the grievous injury done him, calling upon the government to take the matter seriously in hand. And as it had got to the ears of the senate at Washington that the administration had not only sent a fool, but a crazy man, to represent us abroad, sundry grave senators demanded the production of these despatches, since they had a curious itching to peep into them. And as the president lost no time in complying with this polite request, and my desire to relieve the reader's impatience has never been doubted, I have purloined one, which I insert here for his diversion, pledging my whole stock of honor that it is a precious sample of the flock, and reads as follows: "DISPATCH No. 3. "JOLLIFEE, in the Kingdom of Kalorama, October 14th, 18-. To His Hon. the Secretary of State for the United States.
"As minister plenipotentiary to this Court, you will expect me to keep you advised of all that is going on. Before you read this, then, just run your eye over dispatches one and two, which, as you are no fool, will straighten your ideas concerning my doings. Now, all the ado that was made over me on my arrival, the triumph with which I was carried in a chair to Nezub, and the courtesy condescended by the king in providing shelter for us, was, as your honor will regret to hear, all deception. The king is an arrant knave, and the priests have so filled his head with evil thoughts that he burns to have a quarrel with us. The poor natives feel well enough toward us; and as to myself, they came to look upon me as the light of their deliverance. And with this advantage, I had resolved to show them that I was the man for their cause; for I am not to be terrified by a savage, and in acting the part of a good Christian we also serve God. Being a peaceable gentleman, as your honor knows, I squared my address to meet all the demands of courtesy. But as your honor instructed me that it was the president's most anxious desire that I get as many of the king's islands as I could conveniently, I must tell you that no sooner had I touched on that point than he went right into a passion, conducting himself very like a New York alderman, and ordering that I be hanged. And what made the matter worse I had not a word of the language of the country at my tongue's end. But the king had not courage enough to execute the hanging, and so, after chaining me to my secretary, the fellow condemned me to sit naked for two hours on a block of ice, which I would have your honor know, is a punishment no man need envy. My great courage and the fact that it is an honor to die in the service of our country was all that saved me. And now, when you have let your patriotism boil, pray, consider this matter gravely; and don't forget to tell the president that with a few sturdy fellows at my back and I had made short work of the savage who has sent me into exile at this place, where I intend remaining for some time. With great consideration, I remain, &c., &c.,
"ROGER SHERMAN POTTER, Minister."
The reading of this curious document afforded the senate no little diversion, while to the government it was a fatal stab, for it discovered the queer order of intellects it had chosen to perform its offices abroad. It is scarcely necessary to add that the senate, though proverbially good natured, made it incumbent on the administration to recall this wonderful diplomatist at an early day. When then this news was conveyed to the general he snapped his fingers, and instead of taking the matter seriously to heart, as is common with many of our venerable diplomatists, directed his secretary to say in reply, that although the office had not yet afforded him enough to pay his debts he freely relinquished it: indeed that having got better business he was glad enough to be rid of an office that had a dozen times nearly brought him to death's door.
The secret of this independence on the part of General Potter was soon discovered. Don Perez Goneti had declared against the government, and had taken the field against the king and his followers, with a band of rebels, bent on having revenge of the priests and possession of the kingdom: while in reply to sundry dispatches addressed to Glenmoregain, describing that he had made such movements as placed the kingdom exactly between his thumbs, the general had received letters advising him of the shipment of a whole cargo of as good vagabonds as were to be had in the New York market. In truth it was wonderful a see how credulous this opulent merchant was; and how readily he fell into all the visionary schemes for overthrowing governments that had their origin in the disordered brain of my hero. As for generals, the large-eyed merchant had consigned my hero no less than a whole mob, no two of whom could be found to agree on a single subject, if you except emptying the contents of a good bottle. And I verily believe had General Roger Potter fancied a kingdom in some remote corner of the South Sea, Glenmoregain would have furnished him the means to get possession of it, though there was no earthly prospect of its yielding him a dollar profit.
And now, having got matters to his entire satisfaction, the general flattered himself that as he was clear of all diplomatic responsibilities, nothing now remained to put him in a position to have revenge of his enemies but the arrival of these fighting vagabonds and generals, at the head of whom he would, when mounted on old Battle, proceed to the relief of Don Perez Goneti, who had proclaimed death to the priests and liberty to the poor Kaloramas.
For what took place on the landing of these vagabonds, as also the battle of the banana hills, the greatest battle ever fought in modern times, the reader is referred to the next chapter. _