_ CHAPTER IV. MAJOR ROGER POTTER RECOUNTS HIS NUMEROUS EXPLOITS IN WAR AND POLITICS
HAVING finished the story with great sincerity of manner, the major commenced to brighten and polish up his face with his handkerchief, and to pack away his provender. This done, he bridled old Battle, his horse, arranged his seat of sheepskins, and invited me to mount and ride with him; for no sooner had I discovered to him the object of my undertaking than he dubbed himself the luckiest of fellows, offering to be my companion in arms, and the sharer of my fortunes. Three loud cracks of the whip, and old Battle started off at a brisk pace, the major adding that if we made haste we would reach Barnstable by nightfall. As the wagon rolled over the road, a cackling noise was kept up, much to my surprise and annoyance; this I found was caused by a coop of disconsolate chickens, which the major had bought on speculation, and fastened to the back of his wagon, intending to make a good thing by selling them for Shanghais whenever he could find a customer.
"Now, although I know you so well by reputation, you may not have heard so much of me as many others have. It is no great thing for a major like me to be engaged in this sort of business, you will think; but an honest living made by vending tin is better than a fortune gained by fingering the affairs of the nation. Indeed I have often thought a man was never so great as when he condescended to make his living honestly. As you see, I have surrendered myself to fortune, and am what some would call 'down in the world.' But I have been up, and made a noise, and will make more when next I get up." These remarks were delivered with such evident self-conceit, that I was at a loss how to comprehend their meaning, and asked the major to explain himself.
After cracking his whip twice or thrice, he resumed, "My father, (he is gone, God bless him,) was an honest shoemaker in the town of Barnstable, where I was born and reared. Being poor, he could not give me much schooling; but we lived comfortably, and enjoyed the respect of the town people. I assisted him at his trade of making shoes until I reached the age of two and twenty, being esteemed a skillful mechanic. Joining the Barnstable Invincibles, a very disorderly militia company, I was twice elected its captain, which was considered a very good practical joke, the militia there being in very bad odor with everybody but the young damsels of the town. To my military title, then, I owe one of the most fortunate circumstances of my life-that of getting a wife. And this wife, though she bore my title the strongest love, was quite as good as I deserved. In due time we were blessed with one, and then another little Potter, and I began to thank heaven for making me the happiest of men. A snug little home was the result of frugality and industry, and peace reigned in it. But my wife was vain of my military reputation, which she regarded as a hinge for taking a higher position in the world. I must tell you that she cut two clever speeches from an old newspaper, declaring that I must study them, so that with a few alterations, (an art well understood by our clergymen and politicians,) I could set up for a public man, making them apply to all great questions with equal force.
"Wife was of a good, puritanical family, and, as I afterwards had reason to know, well understood how to push her husband up in the world. I got the speeches down without the slightest difficulty." Here the major wet his organs of speech with a little of something he kept in a small flask he drew from his breast-pocket. "They were fu l of blaze. In truth, I may say without fear of contradiction, that a dozen patriots might have found room to roll up in them and die gloriously. Still, it didn't seem to me much for a man to get a speech into his head; so, after getting another, I found no difficulty in getting twenty, all of which were applicable to general subjects. The Tippecanoe fever then began to spread with great virulency, and such was the power of its contagion that John Crispin threw away his lapstone, and Peter Vulcan hung up his anvil, and both went about the country delivering themselves of great speeches, with which they deluded the simple-minded villagers, who forced greatness upon them at every step. And so forcibly did the opinion that they were great men take root with the good natured mass, that the great men of the newspapers, and the kind-hearted critics, who are greater, seconded the opinion, and set them down for wonders. The ambition of my wife now knew no bounds. She insisted that I should go to the next political meeting, and then and there deliver one of the speeches I had got into my head, and which I had twice spoken before her, that the variations might be squared to the occasion. My shoe bench I sold for a trifle, and my pegs and awls were consigned to the children for playthings. The Tippecanoe side of politics being the most popular, as well as profitable, I tied to it at once; and on going to the "Coon-meeting" surprised and astonished every one with the power and arguments of my speech. I may indeed humbly say, I flashed into greatness with the quickness of lightning. Neither Cicero nor Lycurgus were ever, in their day, thought so well of by the multitudes. It got noised about that Webster would have to give up to me. And I am sure that if the elder Adams or Jefferson had been living, they would have been set down by the editors, in the gravest sentences they were capable of penning, as mere shadows in comparison."
Here the major paused to make room for the Provincetown stage; a great yellow coach, full of passengers, which we had come upon suddenly. The driver of the stage, not liking the slow pace in which old Battle was proceeding to make room for him, laid his whip briskly over his haunches, quickening his movements, but driving the major into a furious passion. The sudden twitch landed us both upon the sandy road, under the pile of sheepskins we had used for a seat. In this dilemma the major called loudly for assistance, swearing that if the stage driver would but stop he would give him battle to his satisfaction. This only served to increase the mirth of the passengers, who rather encouraged their mischievous driver, now looking round and making grimaces at his adversary. The major, however, was not long in extricating himself from the sheepskins, when, for want of a better weapon, he seized a string of tin pints, and running as fast as his short legs would carry him, hurled them one after another at the stage coach. Ceasing to afford the passengers this amusement only when his wind gave out, the major swore by his military reputation that if they would only give him an opportunity he would whip the stageload before breakfast, and think it a mere trifle. The coach now rolled out of sight, and the major sat down by the road side to contemplate the loss of his tin cups, which like spilled apples, were strewn along the sand. It would not do to suffer so great a loss, so he girded up his nether garments, and commenced picking up his cups, lamenting their bruises as he strung them upon his string. Finding that we sustained no other loss than that of the major's temper, I set his team to rights, and, having mounted the sheepskins, we were ready to proceed on our journey. "Such an insult as that offered to me when I was in the Mexican war," said he, mounting over the wheel with one of those expletives much used among soldiers, "and I had demolished the lot at a stroke of my sword. Zounds! why can't stage drivers be gentlemen?"
This was the first intimation I had had of his being a hero of the Mexican war. Regaining his good humor soon after, I resigned him the reins, and he desired me to tell him at what point of his story he had been interrupted. Having done this, he resumed its thread as old Battle jogged on at his usual slow pace. "I now took up the trade of politics," he continued, "and went about the country, making speeches and demolishing everything that came in my way. I had ideas enough for any number of speeches, no matter what the length might be; but the evil was how to put the sentences together. I could make points such as Cicero and Lycurgus never thought of; as for patriotism, there was no trouble about that. I had a dozen platforms at my fingers' ends, and could move an audience equal to Lamartine. Here then was my game, and at it I made a nice thing. The editor of the "Provincetown Longbow," who was celebrated for making at least two Cabinet ministers a day, declared to his readers that it was lucky for the era that my great wisdom had been discovered; that it would be a great wrong in General Harrison to offer me any less office than Secretary of State. The "Barnstable Pocketbook," a clever little sheet, edited by Miss Holebrook, who snapped her political whip in the teeth of the town, and had come off conqueror in many a tilt with editors in breeches, was willing to compromise with he of the Longbow, by assuring its readers that only two years' study of law would make me an excellent judge of the Supreme Court. These well bestowed encomiums, (as I think they are called,) so elated my wife that she speedily took to giving tea parties, to which all the majors and generals of the town were invited. And as they demolished the hospitality of her teacups they made her believe the nation never could get along unless I had two fingers in its affairs.
"My children, before as distasteful as the butter one gets in New York hotels, were now so sweet that the whole town wanted to kiss them. And the parson, who had scarcely been known to say, 'how do you do, Mrs. Potter,' now made his calls so frequent, and his bows so gracious, that the neighbors said it would be as well to have an eye out. I got fifteen dollars and my feed, for each speech. Now and then an inspired soul threw in an extra five. So that at the end of two months I had funds enough to establish a bank in Wall street, with three branches in the country. My credit, too, received an unlimited extension. And this my wife took advantage of to new furnish the house and haberdash the little Potters. I contented myself with drawing on the tailor for two suits of his best broadcloth, such as would appertain to a politician so distinguished. But in truth I must confess, without blushing, that my wife was not long in contracting debts a richer man would have found difficulty in paying.
"However, having cleared away all doubts and elected Harrison, whom I was careful to see safe into the arms of the people, my friends all advised me to set out for Washington, where such abilities as I had discovered could not fail of being rewarded by the government they had so ably served.
"As a military title was held indispensable to the success of a politician, the Barnstable Invincibles elected me Major, an honor which could not be overlooked by the politicians at Washington, whose business it is to give offices and save the Union. So, with the praises of two newspapers and the well-wishes of the town, I set out for Washington, believing that the chief magistrate, in the exercise of his great wisdom, would reward me with at least a foreign mission." _