_ CHAPTER XLVI. CONTAINING A FAITHFUL ACCOUNT OF WHAT TOOK PLACE WHEN GENERAL POTTER AND HIS SECRETARY CROSSED THE LINE, AND HOW HE RODE THE FLYING HORSE
BEING ignorant of any rule compelling historians to give the names of such ships as convey their ambassadors to foreign lands, I have resolved that the omission in this instance shall be made up by the fancy of the reader, whom I feel in my heart will generously give me credit for what I have written, the truth whereof no man of common sense will doubt. A further motive for not naming the vessel on which this wonderful minister sailed is, that what took place on board might afford matter for one of those extremely fashionable episodes called Courts-Martial, and which are principally held at Washington for the entertainment of such aged members of the service as are fond of listening to, and sitting in judgment upon, the minute and circumstantial details of indiscreet conversations held among young gentlemen of the ward-room; and which, it must be confessed, reflects but little honor upon the service. But to the ship.
When the ship was many days' sail from land, and affairs on board had passed pleasantly enough, the officers, one after another began to hold conversation with the general, and to flatter his vanity in various ways, styling him "Your Excellency," and intimating that he must be perfect master of all great subjects. In truth, they soon discovered from the disjointed character of his discourse upon various subjects that his wits were deranged; for no matter what subject they introduced, he would mount his favorite hobby of taking care of the nation. But how a man could be an adept in politics and a simpleton in so many other things they could not clearly understand. They therefore came naturally enough to the conclusion that the government had set a trap to get rid of a gentleman with designs on the treasury, and caught a mouse instead of a minister. Nor were they less surprised with the singular relations existing between the general and his secretary, who had more than once declared to them that he had puzzled his wits in vain to get at the true quality of his master's understanding. They therefore resolved among themselves to make him the subject of a little diversion. He had entertained them with accounts of the wonderful achievements of the Potter family, as also his own exploits in the Mexican war, at which they were all astonished and confounded.
When, then, the general appeared on deck one day, in his new uniform, which he got of Fox in New York, and which he verily believed necessary to the great undertakings he was about to engage in, the first Lieutenant approached him, and with great gravity of manner, said, "Your Excellency has doubtless heard of the custom which renders it necessary that all great officials crossing the line for the first time pay their respects to Neptune, king of the sea and father of barbers, who will come on board and shave you to your satisfaction. And when this ceremony is over the officials then display their skill at riding the flying horse, the success or failure of which is invariably held a good or bad omen of the success or failure of their mission."
The general listened with curious attention to these remarks. "I own, Mr. Lieutenant," said he, in reply, "that if you approached me on matters of government or something that concerns the politics of our country, there you will find me at home; but as to these affairs of the sea, I know as little about them as your village parson. As to riding a flying horse, I will leave that to Mr. Tickler, my secretary; for though no man will say I am not skilled in riding, I can tell you I have been twice thrown by my horse Battle, and care not to have more of my limbs broken. But by all means let this Neptune you speak of be introduced to me, and if the shaving can be dispensed with, so much the better, since I am not fond of ceremonies, and may have need of my beard in dealing with this savage king."
"Your Excellency reasons well," rejoined the Lieutenant; "but judging from the fame he has already acquired, and which is as familiar to us as our school-day primers, I feel that he would not have it said of him that he was a whit behind his many predecessors, who held themselves honored in being the recipients of this ceremony, which, in truth, is considered another feather in their dignity. But this I will say, that where secretaries are present, the custom has been so modified as to vouchsafe the shaving to them, while riding the flying horse is strictly reserved for the highest officials."
"What you say of my fame, Mr. Lieutenant, is just what many others have said, and may be set down to my honesty as a politician. And, as you say it is well to look to my dignity, I will confer with my secretary and hear what he says concerning this affair of the shaving." Having returned this answer, the general sought his secretary and recounted to him, in private, the conversation that had taken place between himself and the lieutenant, upon which the learned critic swore by Saint Patrick, and a dozen more equally good saints, that no man should trifle with his beard, of which he was as scrupulous as many of our more fashionable clergymen, and, indeed, kept it highly polished with daily applications of Rushton's best pomades. He also declared that however ready he might be to render service either to his government or ladies in distress, he verily believed the whole affair a joke got up by the officers, who were much given to practising such tricks upon the unwary; and therefore he would have them look elsewhere for subjects of jest. The general, however, assured him that it was a grave mistake, since gentlemen of such standing and valor would not deign to trifle with the respectability of a secretary invested with such important functions. He therefore proceeded with him into the presence of the first lieutenant, around whom several of his fellow-officers were gathered, and on stating what had taken place, they one and all assured Mr. Tickler in the most grave and becoming manner that they had not the slightest intention of offending his dignity, nor indeed in any way provoking him to think ill of them. Nevertheless, they begged him to bear in mind that this ancient custom was only kept up with a view to test the real courage and resolution of high officials proceeding on these great and important missions. "I am not frightened at trifles, gentlemen," replied Mr. Tickler, somewhat agitated; "but it seems to me that this shaving you speak of is not generally known among barbers. And I have read every book written by Ike Marvel (and bright gems, hung in the murky firmament of our maudlin literature, they are, too!); but not a word does he say about secretaries of Legations paying penance in this manner with their beards. However, if his excellency has courage to ride the flying horse, Orlando Tickler will not be found wanting. Pray let the ceremony proceed; but spare me my beard if you can, for I am no dump, and know that it was said by somebody that a poor gentleman had better stick to his garret than go beardless to court." The officers now proceeded to arrange the matter between themselves, and resolved to carry it into effect on the following morning.
And now a rosy dawn ushered in the morning on which the great and all-absorbing event was to take place. A clear sky, a sea so calm that scarce a ripple was to be seen, every sail spread to its utmost capacity, and the mellow tints of the rising sun playing over and investing them with a majesty of outline at once grand and imposing. And yet the massive hull scarce moved, so gentle was the breeze that fanned through her canvass.
The officers were astir before Mother Carey's chickens had dipped their wings; indeed, the very elements seemed to have combined to favor this great and wonderful event, which, seeing that it was in honor of so great a politician as General Roger Potter, was to surpass all other events hitherto recorded in this history.
A stage of rough planks was erected during the night just abaft the fore-mast, and over this a mizen topgallant studding-sail formed an awning, between which and the mast there was a huge wind-sail, leading down into the forehatch. The fore-courser and lower studding-sails were now clewed up, and a messenger dispatched to inform the general and his secretary that the ship was crossing the line, and as Neptune's temper was crispy of age, he might on discovering any want of respect, invoke a storm. Not content with this, two officers high in rank rushed into the state-room of Mr. Tickler, and evincing great anxiety lest his reputation for courage suffer, drew him from his berth, and winding him up in a sheet, bore him struggling in their arms to a seat arranged on the platform. At the same time a great blowing of sea-conchs (said to be Neptune's chorus), accompanied by the heaving and splashing of waters, was heard directly under the bows, and was indeed enough to strike terror into a stronger heart than Tickler possessed. In short, the secretary found his courage giving out, notwithstanding he had on the evening previous given several of the officers a most interesting account of the many duels he had figured in. In truth, it must be confessed that if the secretary had not been secured to his seat with gaskets, he would, regardless of precedents, have taken to his heels and left the ceremony to those who had a liking for it. And as it was, his fears continued to increase with the approach of the ceremony.
A double file of men, in their neatest attire, now formed in order from the orlop to the fore-chains. At this moment the general, arrayed in his war-worn uniform, sallied forth with becoming dignity, and evidently much concerned about the important part he was to play in this great event, for he felt in his heart that the honor of his country depended entirely upon the skill he displayed in riding the flying horse. He was also not a little concerned lest his secretary should fail to carry himself with becoming nerve, and encouraged him with promises to permit him to say things creditable to himself in his first letter to the New York Daily Discoverer.
Old Neptune, trident in hand, and as fishy an old salt as could well be imagined, now rose with great gravity and stateliness over the bow; and having cast a piercing glance at the file of men, who raised their hats and saluted him with becoming deference, advanced slowly, and being met by two senior lieutenants, was first informed of the great fame of the voyagers, and then welcomed on board with a speech. This done he was introduced to, and exchanged courtesies with the general, who made him sundry bows, and would have put many questions to him concerning his ancestry; but as it was customary with him to lose no time, he proceeded forthwith to the shaving. Perhaps I ought here to inform the reader that this Neptune wore a sort of toga, made of the skins of sea-lions; that his beard was like unto fibrous coral found on the coast of Florida, and hung almost to his waist; and that a crown of sea-moss decorated his venerable head. Muttering something in a language the first lieutenant declared was Spanish, and exchanging bows with Mr. Tickler, whose face and beard only were visible above the white sheet, Neptune resigned his trident to one of the sailors, and approaching the candidate for this great honor, felt and felt his beard, then gave his head a toss of satisfaction, and smiled. A grinning negro now advanced in his clean white apron, and an immense bowl, held with his left arm; and this was filled with a composite for shaving, such, I venture to assert, as Rushton never thought of; for being a mixture of grease, tar, and soap, the odor that escaped was anything but aromatic. Here the secretary quite lost his temper, and swore by the Virgin in a deep rich brogue, which was not uncommon with him when he spoke natural, that he saw through the whole thing; and that the man who defiled his beard with such stuff as that would have to suffer for it when he got the use of his hands. Heeding not what he said, the negro applied the lather with an immense paint-brush, and had well-nigh suffocated the critic, who cried for mercy at the very top of his voice, to the no small diversion of the bystanders, who enjoyed it hugely. Solemnly Neptune then commenced to shave the critic with an immense razor made of wood; but he was so nervous in the management of it, and scraped the critic's face so unmercifully, that he bellowed out at the very top of his voice, "Holy Saint Peter! come to my relief, and let not this thy child be tortured by his enemies!"
"Be not a whimperer, but comport yourself with courage, Mr. Tickler," said the general, apparently quite as much diverted as any of them: "I have a hearty respect enough for these critics; but if they let their courage leak out in this way, Heaven only knows what they will do when they come to face the guns of the enemy?" he concluded, whispering in the ear of one of the officers. Having stepped aside to wipe the razor, as he said, they were all surprised and astonished to find that Neptune had disappeared amidst the plunging of waters and blowing of sea-conchs. Scarcely had he gone when an immense current of water came down upon the head of the suffering Tickler, and which he was assured was nothing more than the tail-end of a water-spout, though in truth it was poured from buckets in the hands of a cunning rogue concealed in the windsail close by. And the force and density of this so nearly drowned the simple-minded critic that he several times gasped for breath, and indeed seemed on the very point of dissolution. The whole ceremony was performed in a remarkably short space of time; and when the lathered and drenched Orlando Tickler was set at liberty, he cast the winding sheet from his shoulders, stood a few moments making the most savage gestures at his adversaries, (most of whom had sought places of safety,) and challenged the best of them to meet him like men; then he scampered away to his cabin, muttering as he passed the general, "Faith! and I wish your excellency better luck with what there is left." It ought to be mentioned here that the hanging by the heels, which is a part of this excellent and very ancient custom, was, out of sheer respect to Tickler's fame as a critic, omitted in this instance.
The wind now began to freshen so that every sail filled to perfection; but as there was but little motion on the ship, it was resolved not to ride the flying-horse until breakfast was over, when it was hoped a rolling motion of the hull would afford a better opportunity for the display of skill. "Mr. Lieutenant," said the general, approaching that officer with his ear canted, and touching him confidentially on the arm, "although there was sport enough in this shaving of my secretary, I begin to have certain fears about riding the flying-horse; as you say, it may afford me a chance to display my courage and horsemanship: but, if it be similar to the shaving, I cannot see wherein it will serve my dignity; and therefore I say that it seems to my mind better that you give the performance to some other gentleman." The lieutenant replied that this was a feat entirely free from the severities accompanying the shaving; in truth, that it was solely a means of displaying agility, being much practised by the South Carolinians after their tournaments. And in order to prove to him that it was in every way worthy the high consideration of so distinguished a politician and general, he promised to make several of the seamen give him an example. Somewhat reconciled to this assurance, the general proceeded to prepare himself.
When, then, breakfast was over, they all repaired on deck to witness the general's skill at riding the flying-horse. The ship rolled lazily, an oar with the blade resting upon the quarter deck, the stock extending some eight or ten feet forward and secured near the end with a rope made fast in the mizen-caps, constituted the horse, which swung to and fro with the motion of the ship. A hat was then placed on the end of the oar, when an old experienced sailor mounted with a staff in his hand, and having crossed his legs (like a tailor upon his board), let go the rope, and, with his hands extended, swung to the motion of the ship, maintaining his balance with the ease and composure of a rope-dancer. This done, he dislodged the hat with his staff; and to prove how easy it was to perform the feat, he thrice repeated it to the great delight of all on board. "Faith of my father!" exclaimed the general, "I see no great things in that; and if it be all you require in proof of my courage, I will show you that I can do it a dozen times, and with less trouble than it would give me to ride my horse Battle." All now made way for the wonderful general, whose shortness of legs rendered it necessary to bring benches to facilitate his mounting; for the flying-horse stood some six feet or more from the spar deck, and was not so easily mounted by a general accustomed to the saddle.
A silence as of the tomb reigned among the bystanders while the great General Potter proceeded to mount; which he effected after considerable puffing and fussing, and adjusting his three-cornered hat, of which he was singularly scrupulous. Holding on by the rope with great tenacity, the only difficulty now in the way seemed his legs, which were too short to get crossed upon the oar. Declaring he had never before rode an animal of such sharpness in the back, he proposed that the crossing of legs be omitted, when he would show them that he could dislodge the hat with great agility sitting astride the oar. But as this would leave no chance for the sport that was to follow, the officers all asserted upon their reputations that in no instance of which they had any knowledge had such a concession been made, no matter how distinguished the ambassador. But in order not to be wanting in courtesy, two of the officers assisted him in getting his legs crossed. This done the benches were cleared, and, not a little disturbed in his courage, the gallant general swung away to the motion of the ship. Several voices now called to him, demanding that he let go the rope and dislodge the hat. "When a man knows his life is in danger, it occurs to me, gentlemen, that he had better be left to choose his own time in parting with it!" replied the general. He however let go the rope, and suddenly making a pass at the hat with his staff, lost his balance and was plunged headlong into the larboard scuppers, and with such force that had not his bones been equal to wrought-iron, not a sound one had been left in his body. He now gave out such pitiful groans as brought the officers to a knowledge of the serious character of the joke, which was put an end to by their picking him up and bearing him away to his cabin. _