_ CHAPTER XLIX. WHICH TREATS OF WHAT TOOK PLACE WHEN THE GENERAL AND HIS SECRETARY GAINED THEIR UNDERSTANDINGS
LIKE one slowly regaining from a state of stupor, with a generally disordered system and grievously sore bones, the general came to his understanding on the following morning, and to his utter astonishment found himself in a position where he could neither move to the right nor the left. All was dark, and a silence as of the tomb reigned. He had a dim recollection of the banquet; the vagaries of his past life flashed through his mind; the grand achievements he had fancied marking his future dwindled into disappointment. "As I'm a sinner," said he, struggling in vain to extricate himself, "this mission of mine is not all sunshine and feather beds." He now heard the kicking and frisking of his horse, and becoming somewhat alarmed, bawled out at the top of his voice for Father Segong and his secretary. But as his wily secretary was in no condition to come to his relief, even had he been within hearing distance, and the good priest was fast asleep in his chamber, the only reply he got was the echoes of his own bawlings. Mistaking the nature of the sounds, he came to the conclusion that the good priest had turned joker, and was trifling with his misfortunes. Losing his patience, then, he called his elbows into service, and succeeded after much perturbation in escaping feet-foremost from his shell. And as he stood erect upon his feet, a thousand queer fancies again crowded upon his mind and so haunted his imagination that all his courage vanished, and he began to feel in his heart that he had fallen into a trance, and been buried alive by the priests, who had left him in a state of probation until they could find time to pray him through purgatory. He felt and felt about the vehicle and the horse, who was so high of bone that he at once recognized him. "Battle! Battle! my trusty friend!" he exclaimed, almost dissolved in tears, "could I have seen that this was to be our end!" And with these words of condolence he patted him upon the neck until the animal was so deeply moved that he acknowledged the kindness with a neigh that sent all the bats in the grotto to fluttering; the noise of which was like distant thunder, and sent such a thrill of terror to the heart of our warrior that he opened not his mouth for several minutes. Indeed, as his courage had run out, he was upon the eve of giving himself up to despair. But discovering the cause, and suddenly calling to mind that he was a military man, as well as a politician, he regained his courage for the nonce, and feeling for his sword, which, fortunately, he had left at home, declared he would be the death of every bat in the cave.
The writer of this history, duly mindful of the value of truth, and moved by the great regard for that high honor and sincerity which rules at this day, feels constrained here to confess that the general was not without a suspicion that there might be a joke at the bottom of it all. He therefore commenced searching for an opening, but had not proceeded far when a faint gleam of light flashed through a crevice near the entrance, and, to his horror, discovered rows of rude coffins, standing upright, but with the ghastly faces of their inmates exposed, and made more unnatural by a pale glow of light playing over them. "Protect me, O father, protect me, for I am but a weak sinner, at thy mercy," he muttered, and fell upon his knee, as every ounce of his courage left him; several times he essayed to continue his prayer, but as praying was no part of his political creed, and was little practised by military men, his tongue failed to serve him. Sure now that he had been buried alive, he gave out several loud shrieks, and regaining his thoughts, said in a low, supplicating tone, "I acknowledge, O forgiving Lord, to have committed manifold sins, and to have merited the devil and his punishment, since, being a politician, I have told lies enough to sink a kingdom. Forgive me for the many stories I have told. I never was in Mexico, and solemnly declare that if you will be merciful to me, and restore me to my family, that I may not die in this charnel house, to forsake the life of a politician, and so devote myself to doing your will that when the end comes I shall surely be fit for the kingdom of heaven. Yes, merciful and forgiving Lord, there's that story of my first adventure in New York; draw near and forgive me, for I solemnly declare there is not a grain of truth in the whole of it, as you will see by comparing it with the facts of history." Again his tongue failed to serve him in prayer; again he yielded to his doubts; again he commenced shrieking at the very top of his voice. And this proved a most fortunate expedient, for an Indian girl, straying that way, overheard these distressing cries, and surmising that they proceeded from the grotto, hastened to the door, and letting down a little trap, a stream of light was admitted into the cave, when she discovered the general, who as suddenly started to his feet, and forgetting his promises to the angels, ran to the trap, and looking out into a sort of trench, demanded of the girl, (she was running terrified unto death,) that she stop and relieve him from his perilous position. But the girl ran screaming to the inn, and bid the host get to the grotto, "for" said she, in her own tongue, "I saw the devil in it, and he is surely the devil, for my eyes are good, and he looks exactly as father Segong describes him."
The host and several of the officers, swearing to have vengeance of the perpetrators of so foul a deed, hastened to the grotto, tore away the barricades, and affecting great indignation at the insult offered their representative, set him free. Indeed he had no sooner sallied forth than they beset him with offers of assistance to ferret out and hang the robbers, who they had not a doubt were the authors of this grave attempt on his life. They also vied with each other in offering him their regrets, which were bestowed with so much apparent sincerity that he was almost moved to tears, and at once set himself down as a man in no want of warm and true-hearted friends. "Verily, gentlemen, I thought my end was come, but my courage was not shaken a whit; I just resigned myself, for the soldier who fears death deserves a good hanging. But, pray Mr. Landlord, for you are no fool, what sort of a place do you call that! And if you say it was robbers who played me this dirty trick, why, I am content; but I have a notion that the priests know something about it, and in truth took this method of being rid of me, as well as getting a job at praying me into a better world." The general said this with so much simplicity of manner that the officers were astonished at his self-complacency. As to the host, he replied with becoming gravity, assuring the general that it was no trick of the priests, who were good and holy men, but of the Tutack robbers, who came from a neighboring country, and were much given to carrying off travellers of distinction, for whose ransom they demanded large sums. "If you will but give me the name of this country," interposed one of the officers, "we will sail there with the frigate, and take revenge for this insult offered to our representative; yes, we will blow down every town on the seaboard."
"If there be towns to blow down, the order must come from me, gentlemen. But we will let that matter rest until I get my army," rejoined the general, rubbing his eyes, and continuing to disfigure his face by mixing the colors with which they had painted it.
They had now reached the inn when they assisted him in washing his face, which they swore the bats had sadly disfigured. They also convinced him that they had been since grey dawn, searching the country round for him, which increased his confidence in their sincerity. And when he was restored to his natural brightness, and felt within himself that his dignity had not received the slightest damage, and indeed that such small misfortunes in no way interfered with his capacity to make great treaties in behalf of his country, the officers escorted him to the house of good father Segong, and then took a final leave of him. Not a word did they lisp concerning what had befallen his secretary.
On entering the house, which he did with a slight misgiving as to the quality of reception he would meet, the priest greeted him warmly, and made known to him the anxiety he had felt at his absence. "For," said he, "prayers were postponed, and breakfast has waited your excellency nearly an hour." Being told that his secretary was in the next room, he immediately repaired thither, and was much concerned to find him in great grief of mind. "If your excellency will but discharge me here, and put me in a way to get the trifle that is due me, that I may not starve while seeking my way home, he shall have my prayers all the rest of his life," spoke the secretary, looking up with so solemn a countenance that no man of heart could have withheld his pity.
"Pray, friend Tickler, what has befallen you?" inquired the general, with an air of astonishment.
"Yes! what has befallen me? That's neither here nor there! If instead of assisting you in making treaties, going to court, and enjoying ladies of distinction, the functions of a secretary consist in his being the victim of everybody's jokes, and getting trundled about like a Connecticut bumpkin, then I have no love for the office, and am resolved to return to my profession of critic; for I hold it better a man starve to death, than to be killed outright by these tortures." Not satisfied with this explanation, the general demanded that he should proceed. Tickler thereupon gave him an account of what had occurred; saying that when he came to his senses, he found the Indian facing him, with a poised spear; and indeed everything that took place, except the fury exited by his fears, and the manner in which he alternately shouted and prayed until he was released; to all of which the general listened attentively, but lisped not a word concerning his own troubles. In short, it was no difficult matter to see that Mr. Tickler had been harshly dealt with. "Friend Tickler!" exclaimed the general, "being a man of strong understanding, it is not becoming of you to take these trifles so to heart. And you are mistaken if you set it down to those young gentlemen, for I can swear it was done by the Tutack robbers, who were bent on having your money. But remember, that the more fortitude you display during the assaults of your enemies, the better will you be prepared to enjoy the luxuries that are in store for us both. Pray remember what glory there is in being a great diplomatist, which I warrant to make you. As to money, why, your pockets shall be full when we get to Nezub. Drive these trifles from your mind, let your thoughts be on your country, and when the time comes, I will make you a major, for I see you have gallantry!"
"It is well your excellency says that, since no man can say aught against my gallantry. And if it be to put it to this test, then I stick to your excellency, if he go to the devil." They now returned and took breakfast with the priest, receiving his blessing when it was over, and then proceeded to make preparations for the journey. _