_ CHAPTER XL. GENERAL ROGER POTTER AND HIS SECRETARY ARRIVE IN WASHINGTON, TO THE NO SMALL ALARM OF CERTAIN ADEPTS AND OFFICE SEEKERS
THE general arose on the following morning before the sparrows were up; and as he had ordered the landlord to have his bill forthcoming, he found it duly laid on his table, with a balance so ponderous that he commenced comparing it with the contents of his purse, without at first being able to comprehend the process that had found him thus involved. At length he discovered that although the city fathers had discharged a certain amount of the bill, out of respect of his being the guest of the city, they had ordered refreshments, (such as wines and suppers,) at his expense, and to such an extent as to make it quite clear that he would have saved at least one hundred dollars had he never seen these worthy dignitaries. In fine, the cunning fellows took very good care never to honor a guest without making him pay dear enough for it. But he had enough to square the bill, and something left; and he would have the landlord know that he was none of your shabby politicians who lives on hopes and pays their debts with promises. He therefore paid his bill with an air of wealth that completely won the landlord's confidence, (for he had previously entertained no few fears of his bill.) Beside, circumstances made it necessary for him to leave old Battle until his return, for which he had stipulated with Glanmoregain, which was to him a grievous affliction. In truth, General Potter, disordered as his wits were, regarded old Battle as a perfect safeguard in every emergency.
And now as the blushing dawn threw her golden drapery over the eastern sky, as if to cheer the general on his journey, Mr. Tickler, panting for breath, and evidently alarmed at something he could not clearly define, made his appearance, bearing a single valise.
"Faith, sir," he stammered, "I'm right glad to see you ready, for it seemed to me that no less than twenty sheriffs and all my creditors were at my heels."
"Pray, sir, be not so nervous," replied the general, "for your life's your own."
"That may be all true," rejoined the critic; "but let us leave the argument until we have got safe out of the city, for my conscience tells me that he who slips his creditors had better be sure of his heels."
The two now slipped as slyly as possible to the carriage, and without stopping to take leave of any one but the landlord, took their departure for the Camden and Amboy station, Tickler looking back, and thanking his stars that he had got clear of his creditors. And as they were pursuing their journey to Philadelphia, Tickler turned to the general, saying:
"Though I may have violated the laws of friendship in this little matter between me and my landlady, I at least breathe freer, and know that I am an honest man. But! heaven save me, sir, if we should get shivered to splinters on this road, (which I am told is one celebrated for the dexterity with which it performs such acts,) what would be said of me by my enemies, for I have enough, and many of them are as good critics as can be found!"
"Have a care for your friends, Mr. Tickler-have a care for your friends; and let not fear of your enemies carry away your judgment. Example after me; meet your enemies with sword and pistol, and settle the matter as becomes gentlemen. Honestly, friend Tickler, I hold it better a man shut his ears to the sayings of his enemies, for if they spit him to-day, the praises of his friends will offset it to-morrow."
They now continued their journey, and without serious accident or hinderance of any kind, arrived in Washington before sunset, and proceeded directly to "Willard's Hotel," that being not only the most fashionable, but the house at which distinguished politicians and military men of quality registered their names, though the host was neither celebrated for his courtesy, nor the politeness of his servants, nor the excellence of his table.
"I am General Roger Sherman Potter, commonly called Major Roger Potter, of whose fame, I take it, you have heard enough said in the newspapers," spoke the general, addressing a tall, dark complexioned, and lean visaged man, who was no less a person than the landlord. After casting a scrutinizing glance at the amount of baggage his guests had, as was customary with him, (sharpers had more than once assumed the title of general,) for it was not considered polite to present a bill until the end of the week, the landlord replied by saying in a tone of indifference:
"As to that, sir, perhaps I have, and perhaps I have not; it is not quite clear to my mind at this moment. It is a difficult matter for men of our profession to distinguish between generals." The landlord smiled, and continued his glances up and down the figure before him, as if contemplating his stupendous belly, as contrasted with the shape of his turnip head.
"Heavens! Mr. Landlord, just jog your memory, and see if you don't find in it a recollection of the ceremonies that have attended me on my journey here," ejaculated the general, not a little crest-fallen that the host of so popular an inn had no knowledge of one who had made himself so famous in politics.
In fine, the landlord, sharp sighted as he was, puzzled his wits not a little to find out what manner of men his guests were, for he had never in his life met so crude a general, with a secretary so fashionable. The general, however, happened to finger his purse, which contained several gold coin, the color of which proved an excellent panacea with the landlord, whose courtesy now knew no bounds. In truth, he ordered them the best double bedded room in his second story; and from being somewhat taciturn, was now ready to vouchsafe a smile and ready reply to all the general's questions, which were not a few. He then invited them to write their names in his register, which service the general said he would leave to his secretary, Mr. Tickler, who performed it with great skill, nor forgot to add the title, which he fancied would secure them superior attentions.
And now, while these preliminaries were performing, numerous fashionably dressed, but seemingly idle men, gathered about the general, viewing him with a feeling divided between curiosity and suspicion. Several military men, too, who prided themselves not a little on their West Point reputation, cast sneers at him, saying he could not be much of a general since he had not even heard the drum beat at the Point. Others said it were impossible so punch bellied a man could endure the fatigues of war, especially when mounted; while still others declared he would pass readily for a fool, if, indeed, he was not one of those sham generals of whom New England had an infinite number. The whole mob of military men, in fact, affected to regard him with contempt, and would have prayed Heaven to be rid of all such intruders, notwithstanding they traveled with secretaries.
But there was in Washington another, and, perhaps, not less influential class of men, who took a very different view of the general, and, before he had been three days in the city, sought by various impertinent questions to ascertain the object of his visit, which they professed to have the power to advance. And these men were lobby agents, correspondents of newspapers, and adepts at all sorts of schemes for plundering the treasury, which they represented as a very soft-sided concern, and so easy of access that it only required a man of undaunted courage to make a breach in it. Correspondents of newspapers swore by their honor, which was the cheapest thing they possessed, that if he had a project before Congress, they could "get it through for him just as easy as the turning of a mill wheel." Indeed if their declarations were worthy of reliance, they could make any man famous for a trifle; and as for members of Congress, they had but to praise them in their epistles to secure their votes in getting a scheme through. I have never been set down for a malicious writer; but as these gentlemen correspondents would have you believe, they had the nation and Congress in their breeches pockets, I may say, without fear of contradiction, that the devil never projected a scheme they were not ready to aid, and equally ready to crook their palms for the trifle that made it a virtue with them. In fine, I am not so sure that they would not have enjoined the whole calendar of saints to come forth and bear testimony to their honesty, though they were abetting a dozen dishonest schemes.
The cunning fellows also produced papers containing dispatches setting forth that General Roger Potter and his secretary had arrived, and taken rooms at Willard's. One more daring than the rest, said right in the teeth of truth, that it was reported in diplomatic circles that General Potter would receive an important mission as his reward for the great services he had rendered the democratic party. Finally, after informing the nation, (which they fancied was as deeply interested as themselves,) that General Roger Potter's visit to Washington was connected with as many as forty different things, they came to the very convenient conclusion that he was really come to ask of Congress compensation for extraordinary services rendered the government by his dead ancestor, (living ones he had none,) during the war of 1812, such being very common at this day. And as nothing could be more fatal to a claim before Congress than the fact that it was founded in honesty, the lobby screw would swear by his ability to get all fictitious ones through. This was the result of that indifference among Congressmen which makes the distinction between justice and fraud something too insignificant to waste time over.
The general declared with all his power of persuasion that he had no claim before Congress; and Tickler was ready to swear to the truth of what he said. But divers lobby men and correspondents refused to be convinced; and after putting an infinite number of questions to him, swore they would take it up, regardless of its character, and "rush it through" Congress for twenty five per cent.
It ought to be mentioned here that the "correspondent" esteems himself a much more respectable gentleman than the "lobby agent," whom he affects to hold in virtuous contempt. More than once was the general warned by these facile gentlemen of the press, not to have anything to do with the vagabonds of the lobby, who, though they gave it out that they had Congress between their thumbs, and could double it up, and mould it exactly to their liking, were regarded by every member honest enough not to crook his palm more than once during the session, as so many buzzards resolved on having carrion.
The general had, however, been advised by Glanmoregain to slip a trifle into the palms of certain correspondents, to the end that their praise could do no harm, and might do much good.
Now there was living in Washington about this time, one Ben Stretcher, a man of wonderful genius, and a correspondent of no less than five very enterprising newspapers, for all of which he manufactured wars and diplomatic irruptions with a facility that would have put Lord Stratford de Radcliffe to the blush. Stretcher knew everbody in Washington, and everybody in Washington knew Stretcher. If an enterprising gentleman came to Washington with the very harmless and common inclination of plucking the government, Stretcher was sure to make his acquaintance, and equally sure to find out what feathers he had, and how best they could be plucked. Wearing his beard after the manner of an apostle, and having a countenance into which he could infuse an air of great wisdom, Ben was sure to insinuate himself into the good graces of every new comer, to whom he would confide all the secrets of the government, which he carried about on his head, as a negro does a basket of apples. His skill at manufacturing state secrets was, however, equaled only by his skill for finding out state secrets. The President never acted on important state affairs without first consulting him. As to cabinet ministers, he was not only the intimate friend and adviser of the whole batch, but swore he had them all so completely at his bidding, (being called on frequently to rectify their blunders,) that no foreign appointment could be made without his consent. Indeed, Ben Stretcher never failed to assert, while drinking his punch, that nothing was mo re easy than to double up Congress, Administration, Cabinet, and the whole mob of office givers, put them in one's pocket, and walk quietly off. Ben's greatest wisdom was, however, displayed to great advantage in the facility with which he gave to the country matters of grave importance that were to be transacted at various cabinet meetings in prospective. In truth, he often made the government cut a sorry figure in the eyes of those not familiar with the art of making state secrets; for being "especial" correspondent of the numerous enterprising newspapers I have referred to, he will to-day frighten the country with an "exclusive" dispatch to the Daily Discoverer, revealing the momentous fact (?) that a war with England was inevitable; while with equal grandeur of equanimity, he will to-morrow assert that there is not the slightest cause to fear "a disturbance of the friendly intercourse now existing between this country and Great Britain." And these wonderful prophecies, together with extraordinary state secrets, he would vary every day, according to the demands of the public and his own taste. Lucky, indeed, were the journals having Ben Stretcher or a getter up of "startling" news, and many were they who sought to engage his services. It was, nevertheless, curious to see how Ben, smiling within himself, would, in a third dispatch, assert that all his prophecies had been verified, though, heaven knows, he was generally as far off the truth as the poles are from the equator.
In order not to lose time in paying his respects to so distinguished a general, and a gentleman who, no doubt, had important business with Congress, where his services might find employment, Ben took the earliest opportunity to make a formal call one day; but finding only Mr. Tickler at home, he relieved his disappointment in a colloquy, which will be recorded in the next chapter. _