Milan. The DUKE'S palace
Enter VALENTINE and SPEED SPEED Sir, your glove.
VALENTINE Not mine: my gloves are on.
SPEED Why, then, this may be yours; for this is but one.
VALENTINE Ha! let me see; ay, give it me, it's mine;
Sweet ornament that decks a thing divine!
Ah, Silvia! Silvia!
SPEED [Calling] Madam Silvia! Madam Silvia!
VALENTINE How now, sirrah?
SPEED She is not within hearing, sir.
VALENTINE Why, sir, who bade you call her?
SPEED Your worship, sir; or else I mistook.
VALENTINE Well, you'll still be too forward.
SPEED And yet I was last chidden for being too slow.
VALENTINE Go to, sir; tell me, do you know Madam Silvia?
SPEED She that your worship loves?
VALENTINE Why, how know you that I am in love?
SPEED Marry, by these special marks: first, you have learn'd, like
Sir Proteus, to wreath your arms like a malcontent; to relish a
love-song, like a robin redbreast; to walk alone, like one that
had the pestilence; to sigh, like a school-boy that had lost his
A B C; to weep, like a young wench that had buried her grandam;
to fast, like one that takes diet; to watch, like one that fears
robbing; to speak puling, like a beggar at Hallowmas. You were
wont, when you laughed, to crow like a cock; when you walk'd, to
walk like one of the lions; when you fasted, it was presently
after dinner; when you look'd sadly, it was for want of money.
And now you are metamorphis'd with a mistress, that, when I look
on you, I can hardly think you my master.
VALENTINE Are all these things perceiv'd in me?
SPEED They are all perceiv'd without ye.
VALENTINE Without me? They cannot.
SPEED Without you! Nay, that's certain; for, without you were so
simple, none else would; but you are so without these follies
that these follies are within you, and shine through you like the
water in an urinal, that not an eye that sees you but is a
physician to comment on your malady.
VALENTINE But tell me, dost thou know my lady Silvia?
SPEED She that you gaze on so, as she sits at supper?
VALENTINE Hast thou observ'd that? Even she, I mean.
SPEED Why, sir, I know her not.
VALENTINE Dost thou know her by my gazing on her, and yet know'st
her not?
SPEED Is she not hard-favour'd, sir?
VALENTINE Not so fair, boy, as well-favour'd.
SPEED Sir, I know that well enough.
VALENTINE What dost thou know?
SPEED That she is not so fair as, of you, well-favour'd.
VALENTINE I mean that her beauty is exquisite, but her favour
infinite.
SPEED That's because the one is painted, and the other out of all
count.
VALENTINE How painted? and how out of count?
SPEED Marry, sir, so painted, to make her fair, that no man counts
of her beauty.
VALENTINE How esteem'st thou me? I account of her beauty.
SPEED You never saw her since she was deform'd.
VALENTINE How long hath she been deform'd?
SPEED Ever since you lov'd her.
VALENTINE I have lov'd her ever since I saw her, and still
I see her beautiful.
SPEED If you love her, you cannot see her.
VALENTINE Why?
SPEED Because Love is blind. O that you had mine eyes; or your own
eyes had the lights they were wont to have when you chid at Sir
Proteus for going ungarter'd!
VALENTINE What should I see then?
SPEED Your own present folly and her passing deformity; for he,
being in love, could not see to garter his hose; and you, being
in love, cannot see to put on your hose.
VALENTINE Belike, boy, then you are in love; for last morning you
could not see to wipe my shoes.
SPEED True, sir; I was in love with my bed. I thank you, you
swing'd me for my love, which makes me the bolder to chide you
for yours.
VALENTINE In conclusion, I stand affected to her.
SPEED I would you were set, so your affection would cease.
VALENTINE Last night she enjoin'd me to write some lines to one
she loves.
SPEED And have you?
VALENTINE I have.
SPEED Are they not lamely writ?
VALENTINE No, boy, but as well as I can do them.
Enter SILVIA Peace! here she comes.
SPEED [Aside] O excellent motion! O exceeding puppet!
Now will he interpret to her.
VALENTINE Madam and mistress, a thousand good morrows.
SPEED [Aside] O, give ye good ev'n!
Here's a million of manners.
SILVIA Sir Valentine and servant, to you two thousand.
SPEED [Aside] He should give her interest, and she gives it him.
VALENTINE As you enjoin'd me, I have writ your letter
Unto the secret nameless friend of yours;
Which I was much unwilling to proceed in,
But for my duty to your ladyship.
SILVIA I thank you, gentle servant. 'Tis very clerkly done.
VALENTINE Now trust me, madam, it came hardly off;
For, being ignorant to whom it goes,
I writ at random, very doubtfully.
SILVIA Perchance you think too much of so much pains?
VALENTINE No, madam; so it stead you, I will write,
Please you command, a thousand times as much;
And yet-
SILVIA A pretty period! Well, I guess the sequel;
And yet I will not name it- and yet I care not.
And yet take this again- and yet I thank you-
Meaning henceforth to trouble you no more.
SPEED [Aside] And yet you will; and yet another' yet.'
VALENTINE What means your ladyship? Do you not like it?
SILVIA Yes, yes; the lines are very quaintly writ;
But, since unwillingly, take them again.
Nay, take them.
[Gives hack the letter] VALENTINE Madam, they are for you.
SILVIA Ay, ay, you writ them, sir, at my request;
But I will none of them; they are for you:
I would have had them writ more movingly.
VALENTINE Please you, I'll write your ladyship another.
SILVIA And when it's writ, for my sake read it over;
And if it please you, so; if not, why, so.
VALENTINE If it please me, madam, what then?
SILVIA Why, if it please you, take it for your labour.
And so good morrow, servant.
Exit SILVIA SPEED O jest unseen, inscrutable, invisible,
As a nose on a man's face, or a weathercock on a steeple!
My master sues to her; and she hath taught her suitor,
He being her pupil, to become her tutor.
O excellent device! Was there ever heard a better,
That my master, being scribe, to himself should write the letter?
VALENTINE How now, sir! What are you reasoning with yourself?
SPEED Nay, I was rhyming: 'tis you that have the reason.
VALENTINE To do what?
SPEED To be a spokesman from Madam Silvia?
VALENTINE To whom?
SPEED To yourself; why, she woos you by a figure.
VALENTINE What figure?
SPEED By a letter, I should say.
VALENTINE Why, she hath not writ to me.
SPEED What need she, when she hath made you write to yourself?
Why, do you not perceive the jest?
VALENTINE No, believe me.
SPEED No believing you indeed, sir. But did you perceive her
earnest?
VALENTINE She gave me none except an angry word.
SPEED Why, she hath given you a letter.
VALENTINE That's the letter I writ to her friend.
SPEED And that letter hath she deliver'd, and there an end.
VALENTINE I would it were no worse.
SPEED I'll warrant you 'tis as well.
'For often have you writ to her; and she, in modesty,
Or else for want of idle time, could not again reply;
Or fearing else some messenger that might her mind discover,
Herself hath taught her love himself to write unto her lover.'
All this I speak in print, for in print I found it. Why muse you,
sir? 'Tis dinner time.
VALENTINE I have din'd.
SPEED Ay, but hearken, sir; though the chameleon Love can feed on
the air, I am one that am nourish'd by my victuals, and would
fain have meat. O, be not like your mistress! Be moved, be moved.
Exeunt