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Essay(s) by (Edgar W. Nye) Bill Nye
Absent Minded
(Edgar W.Nye) Bill Nye
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       I remember an attorney, who practiced law out West years ago, who used to fill his pipe with brass paper fasteners, and try to light it with a ruling pen about twice a day. That was his usual average.
       He would talk in unknown tongues, and was considered a thorough and revised encyclopedia on everything from the tariff on a meerschaum pipe to the latitude of Crazy Woman's Fork west of Greenwich, and yet if he went to the postoffice he would probably mail his pocketbook and carefully bring his letter back to the office.
       One day he got to thinking about the Monroe doctrine, or the sudden and horrible death of Judas Iscariot, and actually lost his office. He walked up and down for an hour, scouring the town for the evanescent office that had escaped his notice while he was sorrowing over the shocking death of Judas, or Noah's struggles against malaria and a damp, late spring.
       Martin Luther Brandt was the name of this eccentric jurist. He got up in the night once, and dressed himself, and taking a night train in that dreamy way of his, rode on to Denver, took the Rio Grande train in the morning and drifted away into old Mexico somewhere. He must have been in that same old half comatose state when he went away, for he made a most ludicrous error in getting his wife in the train. When he arrived in old Mexico he found that he had brought another man's wife, and by some strange oversight had left his own at home with five children. It hardly seems possible that a man could be so completely enveloped in a brown study that he would err in the matter of a wife and five children, but such was the case with Martin Luther. Martin Luther couldn't tell you his own name if you asked him suddenly, so as to give him a nervous shock.
       This dreamy, absent-minded, wool-gathering disease is sometimes contagious. Pretty soon after Martin Luther struck Mexico the malignant form of brown study broke out among the greasers, and an alarming mania on the somnambulistic order seemed to follow it. A party of Mexican somnambuloes one night got together, and while the disease was at its height tied Martin Luther to the gable of a 'dobe hen palace. His soul is probably at this moment floundering around through space, trying to find the evergreen shore.
       An old hunter, who was a friend of mine, had this odd way of walking aimlessly around with his thoughts in some other world.
       I used to tell him that some day he would regret it, but he only laughed and continued to do the same fool thing.
       Last fall he saw a grizzly go into a cave in the upper waters of the Platte, and strolled in there to kill her. As he has not returned up to this moment, I am sure he has erroneously allowed himself to get mixed up as to the points of the compass, and has fallen a victim to this fatal brown study. Some think that the brown study had hair on it.
       [The end]
       (Edgar W. Nye) Bill Nye's essay: Absent Minded
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"Done It A-Purpose"
"Heap Brain"
"I Spy"
"We"
About Geology
About Portraits
Absent Minded
Accepting The Laramie Postoffice
All About Menials
All About Oratory
Along Lake Superior
The Amateur Carpenter
Anatomy
Anecdotes Of Justice
Anecdotes Of The Stage
Answering An Invitation
Answers To Correspondents
The Approaching Humorist
The Arabian Language
Archimedes
Arnold Winkelreid
Asking For A Pass
The Average Hen
B. Franklin, Deceased
Biography Of Spartacus
The Bite Of A Mad Dog
The Blase Young Man
The Board Of Trade
Boston Common And Environs
A Bright Future For Pugilism
Broncho Sam
Bunker Hill
A Calm
Care Of House Plants
Catching A Buffalo
Causes For Thanksgiving
The Cell Nest
The Chinese God
Chinese Justice
Christopher Columbus
The Church Debt
A Circular
A Collection Of Keys
Come Back
Concerning Book Publishing
Concerning Coroners
A Convention
The Cow-Boy
The Crops
Crowns And Crowned Heads
Daniel Webster
Dessicated Mule
Dogs And Dog Days
Doosedly Dilatory
Down East Rum
Dr. Dizart's Dog
Drunk In A Plug Hat
The Duke Of Rawhide
Early Day Justice
Eccentricities Of Genius
Eccentricity In Lunch
Etiquette At Hotels
Every Man His Own Paper-Hanger
The Expensive Word
Extracts From A Queen's Diary
Farming In Maine
A Father's Advice To His Son
A Father's Letter
Favored A Higher Fine
Fifteen Years Apart
Flying Machines
General Sheridan's Horse
George The Third
A Goat In A Frame
Great Sacrifice Of Bric-A-Brac
A Great Spiritualist
A Great Upheaval
Habits Of A Literary Man
The Heyday Of Life
History Of Babylon
The Holy Terror
Hours With Great Men
How Evolution Evolves
I Tried Milling
In Washington
The Indian Orator
Insomnia In Domestic Animals
John Adams
John Adams' Diary
A Journalistic Tenderfoot
Knights Of The Pen
Letter From New York
A Letter Of Regrets
Letter To A Communist
Life Insurance As A Health Restorer
Literary Freaks
The Little Barefoot Boy
Lost Money
Lovely Horrors
A Lumber Camp
Man Overbored
Mark Anthony
Milling In Pompeii
The Miner At Home
Modern Architecture
More Paternal Correspondence
A Mountain Snowstorm
Mr. Sweeney's Cat
Murray And The Mormons
Mush And Melody
My Dog
My Experience As An Agriculturist
My Lecture Abroad
My Mine
My Physician
My School Days
Nero
A New Autograph Album
A New Play
The Newspaper
No More Frontier
The Old South
The Old Subscriber
On Cyclones
One Kind Of Fool
An Operatic Entertainment
The Opium Habit
Our Forefathers
Parental Advice
A Peaceable Man
Petticoats At The Polls
The Photograph Habit
Picnic Incidents
A Picturesque Picnic
Plato
Polygamy As A Religious Duty
The Poor Blind Pig
A Powerful Speech
Preventing A Scandal
Railway Etiquette
Recollections Of Noah Webster
A Resign
Rev. Mr. Hallelujah's Hoss
Roller Skating
Rosalinde
Second Letter To The President
The Sedentary Hen
She Kind Of Coaxed Him
Shorts
The Silver Dollar
Sixty Minutes In America
Skimming The Milky Way
The Snake Indian
Somnambulism And Crime
A Spencerian Ass
Spinal Meningitis
Spring
Squaw Jim
Squaw Jim's Religion
Stirring Incidents At A Fire
The Story Of A Struggler
Strabusmus And Justice
Street Cars And Curiosities
Taxidermy
They Fell
A Thrilling Experience
Time's Changes
To A Married Man
To An Embryo Poet
To Her Majesty
To The President-Elect
Two Ways Of Telling It
Twombley's Tale
Venice
Verona
The Wail Of A Wife
A Wallula Night
The Warrior's Oration
The Ways Of Doctors
The Weeping Woman
What We Eat
The Wild Cow
Woman's Wonderful Influence
Woodtick William's Story
Words About Washington
Wrestling With The Mazy
You Heah Me, Sah!