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Essay(s) by (Edgar W. Nye) Bill Nye
The Wild Cow
(Edgar W.Nye) Bill Nye
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       When I was young and used to roam around over the country, gathering water-melons in the light of the moon, I used to think I could milk anybody's cow, but I do not think so now. I do not milk a cow now unless the sign is right, and it hasn't been right for a good many years. The last cow I tried to milk was a common cow, born in obscurity; kind of a self-made cow. I remember her brow was low, but she wore her tail high and she was haughty, oh, so haughty.
       I made a common-place remark to her, one that is used in the very best of society, one that need not have given offence anywhere. I said "So"--and she "soed." Then I told her to "hist" and she histed. But I thought she overdid it. She put too much expression in it.
       Just then I heard something crash through the window of the barn and fall with a dull, sickening thud on the outside. The neighbors came to see what it was that caused the noise. They found that I had done it in getting through the window.
       I asked the neighbors if the barn was still standing. They said it was. Then I asked if the cow was injured much. They said she seemed to be quite robust. Then I requested them to go in and calm the cow a little, and see if they could get my plug hat off her horns.
       I am buying all my milk now of a milkman. I select a gentle milkman who will not kick, and feel as though I could trust him. Then, if he feels as though he could trust me, it is all right.
       [The end]
       (Edgar W. Nye) Bill Nye's essay: Wild Cow
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"Done It A-Purpose"
"Heap Brain"
"I Spy"
"We"
About Geology
About Portraits
Absent Minded
Accepting The Laramie Postoffice
All About Menials
All About Oratory
Along Lake Superior
The Amateur Carpenter
Anatomy
Anecdotes Of Justice
Anecdotes Of The Stage
Answering An Invitation
Answers To Correspondents
The Approaching Humorist
The Arabian Language
Archimedes
Arnold Winkelreid
Asking For A Pass
The Average Hen
B. Franklin, Deceased
Biography Of Spartacus
The Bite Of A Mad Dog
The Blase Young Man
The Board Of Trade
Boston Common And Environs
A Bright Future For Pugilism
Broncho Sam
Bunker Hill
A Calm
Care Of House Plants
Catching A Buffalo
Causes For Thanksgiving
The Cell Nest
The Chinese God
Chinese Justice
Christopher Columbus
The Church Debt
A Circular
A Collection Of Keys
Come Back
Concerning Book Publishing
Concerning Coroners
A Convention
The Cow-Boy
The Crops
Crowns And Crowned Heads
Daniel Webster
Dessicated Mule
Dogs And Dog Days
Doosedly Dilatory
Down East Rum
Dr. Dizart's Dog
Drunk In A Plug Hat
The Duke Of Rawhide
Early Day Justice
Eccentricities Of Genius
Eccentricity In Lunch
Etiquette At Hotels
Every Man His Own Paper-Hanger
The Expensive Word
Extracts From A Queen's Diary
Farming In Maine
A Father's Advice To His Son
A Father's Letter
Favored A Higher Fine
Fifteen Years Apart
Flying Machines
General Sheridan's Horse
George The Third
A Goat In A Frame
Great Sacrifice Of Bric-A-Brac
A Great Spiritualist
A Great Upheaval
Habits Of A Literary Man
The Heyday Of Life
History Of Babylon
The Holy Terror
Hours With Great Men
How Evolution Evolves
I Tried Milling
In Washington
The Indian Orator
Insomnia In Domestic Animals
John Adams
John Adams' Diary
A Journalistic Tenderfoot
Knights Of The Pen
Letter From New York
A Letter Of Regrets
Letter To A Communist
Life Insurance As A Health Restorer
Literary Freaks
The Little Barefoot Boy
Lost Money
Lovely Horrors
A Lumber Camp
Man Overbored
Mark Anthony
Milling In Pompeii
The Miner At Home
Modern Architecture
More Paternal Correspondence
A Mountain Snowstorm
Mr. Sweeney's Cat
Murray And The Mormons
Mush And Melody
My Dog
My Experience As An Agriculturist
My Lecture Abroad
My Mine
My Physician
My School Days
Nero
A New Autograph Album
A New Play
The Newspaper
No More Frontier
The Old South
The Old Subscriber
On Cyclones
One Kind Of Fool
An Operatic Entertainment
The Opium Habit
Our Forefathers
Parental Advice
A Peaceable Man
Petticoats At The Polls
The Photograph Habit
Picnic Incidents
A Picturesque Picnic
Plato
Polygamy As A Religious Duty
The Poor Blind Pig
A Powerful Speech
Preventing A Scandal
Railway Etiquette
Recollections Of Noah Webster
A Resign
Rev. Mr. Hallelujah's Hoss
Roller Skating
Rosalinde
Second Letter To The President
The Sedentary Hen
She Kind Of Coaxed Him
Shorts
The Silver Dollar
Sixty Minutes In America
Skimming The Milky Way
The Snake Indian
Somnambulism And Crime
A Spencerian Ass
Spinal Meningitis
Spring
Squaw Jim
Squaw Jim's Religion
Stirring Incidents At A Fire
The Story Of A Struggler
Strabusmus And Justice
Street Cars And Curiosities
Taxidermy
They Fell
A Thrilling Experience
Time's Changes
To A Married Man
To An Embryo Poet
To Her Majesty
To The President-Elect
Two Ways Of Telling It
Twombley's Tale
Venice
Verona
The Wail Of A Wife
A Wallula Night
The Warrior's Oration
The Ways Of Doctors
The Weeping Woman
What We Eat
The Wild Cow
Woman's Wonderful Influence
Woodtick William's Story
Words About Washington
Wrestling With The Mazy
You Heah Me, Sah!