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A Tramp Abroad
CHAPTER XXXIV - The World's Highest Pig Farm
Mark Twain
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       _ We hired the only guide left, to lead us on our way.
       He was over seventy, but he could have given me nine-tenths
       of his strength and still had all his age entitled him to.
       He shouldered our satchels, overcoats, and alpenstocks,
       and we set out up the steep path. It was hot work.
       The old man soon begged us to hand over our coats
       and waistcoats to him to carry, too, and we did it;
       one could not refuse so little a thing to a poor old man
       like that; he should have had them if he had been a hundred
       and fifty.
       When we began that ascent, we could see a microscopic
       chalet perched away up against heaven on what seemed
       to be the highest mountain near us. It was on our right,
       across the narrow head of the valley. But when we got
       up abreast it on its own level, mountains were towering
       high above on every hand, and we saw that its altitude
       was just about that of the little Gasternthal which we had
       visited the evening before. Still it seemed a long way up
       in the air, in that waste and lonely wilderness of rocks.
       It had an unfenced grass-plot in front of it which seemed
       about as big as a billiard-table, and this grass-plot
       slanted so sharply downward, and was so brief, and ended
       so exceedingly soon at the verge of the absolute precipice,
       that it was a shuddery thing to think of a person's venturing
       to trust his foot on an incline so situated at all.
       Suppose a man stepped on an orange peel in that yard;
       there would be nothing for him to seize; nothing could
       keep him from rolling; five revolutions would bring him
       to the edge, and over he would go. What a frightful distance
       he would fall!--for there are very few birds that fly
       as high as his starting-point. He would strike and bounce,
       two or three times, on his way down, but this would be
       no advantage to him. I would as soon taking an airing
       on the slant of a rainbow as in such a front yard.
       I would rather, in fact, for the distance down would be about
       the same, and it is pleasanter to slide than to bounce.
       I could not see how the peasants got up to that chalet--
       the region seemed too steep for anything but a balloon.
       As we strolled on, climbing up higher and higher, we were
       continually bringing neighboring peaks into view and lofty
       prominence which had been hidden behind lower peaks before;
       so by and by, while standing before a group of these giants,
       we looked around for the chalet again; there it was,
       away down below us, apparently on an inconspicuous ridge
       in the valley! It was as far below us, now, as it had been
       above us when we were beginning the ascent.
       After a while the path led us along a railed precipice,
       and we looked over--far beneath us was the snug parlor again,
       the little Gasternthal, with its water jets spouting
       from the face of its rock walls. We could have dropped
       a stone into it. We had been finding the top of the world
       all along--and always finding a still higher top stealing
       into view in a disappointing way just ahead; when we looked
       down into the Gasternthal we felt pretty sure that we
       had reached the genuine top at last, but it was not so;
       there were much higher altitudes to be scaled yet.
       We were still in the pleasant shade of forest trees,
       we were still in a region which was cushioned with beautiful
       mosses and aglow with the many-tinted luster of innumerable
       wild flowers.
       We found, indeed, more interest in the wild flowers
       than in anything else. We gathered a specimen or two
       of every kind which we were unacquainted with; so we
       had sumptuous bouquets. But one of the chief interests
       lay in chasing the seasons of the year up the mountain,
       and determining them by the presence of flowers and
       berries which we were acquainted with. For instance,
       it was the end of August at the level of the sea;
       in the Kandersteg valley at the base of the pass,
       we found flowers which would not be due at the sea-level
       for two or three weeks; higher up, we entered October,
       and gathered fringed gentians. I made no notes, and have
       forgotten the details, but the construction of the floral
       calendar was very entertaining while it lasted.
       In the high regions we found rich store of the splendid
       red flower called the Alpine rose, but we did not find
       any examples of the ugly Swiss favorite called Edelweiss.
       Its name seems to indicate that it is a noble flower
       and that it is white. It may be noble enough,
       but it is not attractive, and it is not white.
       The fuzzy blossom is the color of bad cigar ashes,
       and appears to be made of a cheap quality of gray plush.
       It has a noble and distant way of confining itself to the
       high altitudes, but that is probably on account of its looks;
       it apparently has no monopoly of those upper altitudes,
       however, for they are sometimes intruded upon by some
       of the loveliest of the valley families of wild flowers.
       Everybody in the Alps wears a sprig of Edelweiss in his hat.
       It is the native's pet, and also the tourist's.
       All the morning, as we loafed along, having a good time,
       other pedestrians went staving by us with vigorous strides,
       and with the intent and determined look of men who were
       walking for a wager. These wore loose knee-breeches, long
       yarn stockings, and hobnailed high-laced walking-shoes.
       They were gentlemen who would go home to England or Germany
       and tell how many miles they had beaten the guide-book
       every day. But I doubted if they ever had much real fun,
       outside of the mere magnificent exhilaration of the
       tramp through the green valleys and the breezy heights;
       for they were almost always alone, and even the finest
       scenery loses incalculably when there is no one to enjoy
       it with.
       All the morning an endless double procession of mule-mounted
       tourists filed past us along the narrow path--the one
       procession going, the other coming. We had taken
       a good deal of trouble to teach ourselves the kindly
       German custom of saluting all strangers with doffed hat,
       and we resolutely clung to it, that morning, although it
       kept us bareheaded most of the time and was not always
       responded to. Still we found an interest in the thing,
       because we naturally liked to know who were English
       and Americans among the passers-by. All continental
       natives responded of course; so did some of the English
       and Americans, but, as a general thing, these two races
       gave no sign. Whenever a man or a woman showed us
       cold neglect, we spoke up confidently in our own tongue
       and asked for such information as we happened to need,
       and we always got a reply in the same language.
       The English and American folk are not less kindly than
       other races, they are only more reserved, and that comes
       of habit and education. In one dreary, rocky waste,
       away above the line of vegetation, we met a procession
       of twenty-five mounted young men, all from America.
       We got answering bows enough from these, of course,
       for they were of an age to learn to do in Rome as Rome does,
       without much effort.
       At one extremity of this patch of desolation, overhung by bare
       and forbidding crags which husbanded drifts of everlasting
       snow in their shaded cavities, was a small stretch
       of thin and discouraged grass, and a man and a family
       of pigs were actually living here in some shanties.
       Consequently this place could be really reckoned as
       "property"; it had a money value, and was doubtless taxed.
       I think it must have marked the limit of real estate
       in this world. It would be hard to set a money value
       upon any piece of earth that lies between that spot
       and the empty realm of space. That man may claim the
       distinction of owning the end of the world, for if there
       is any definite end to the world he has certainly found it.
       From here forward we moved through a storm-swept
       and smileless desolation. All about us rose gigantic
       masses, crags, and ramparts of bare and dreary rock,
       with not a vestige or semblance of plant or tree or
       flower anywhere, or glimpse of any creature that had life.
       The frost and the tempests of unnumbered ages had battered
       and hacked at these cliffs, with a deathless energy,
       destroying them piecemeal; so all the region about
       their bases was a tumbled chaos of great fragments
       which had been split off and hurled to the ground.
       Soiled and aged banks of snow lay close about our path.
       The ghastly desolation of the place was as tremendously
       complete as if Dor'e had furnished the working-plans
       for it. But every now and then, through the stern
       gateways around us we caught a view of some neighboring
       majestic dome, sheathed with glittering ice, and displaying
       its white purity at an elevation compared to which
       ours was groveling and plebeian, and this spectacle
       always chained one's interest and admiration at once,
       and made him forget there was anything ugly in the world.
       I have just said that there was nothing but death
       and desolation in these hideous places, but I forgot.
       In the most forlorn and arid and dismal one of all,
       where the racked and splintered debris was thickest,
       where the ancient patches of snow lay against the very path,
       where the winds blew bitterest and the general aspect was
       mournfulest and dreariest, and furthest from any suggestion
       of cheer or hope, I found a solitary wee forget-me-not
       flourishing away, not a droop about it anywhere,
       but holding its bright blue star up with the prettiest
       and gallantest air in the world, the only happy spirit,
       the only smiling thing, in all that grisly desert.
       She seemed to say, "Cheer up!--as long as we are here,
       let us make the best of it." I judged she had earned
       a right to a more hospitable place; so I plucked her up
       and sent her to America to a friend who would respect
       her for the fight she had made, all by her small self,
       to make a whole vast despondent Alpine desolation stop
       breaking its heart over the unalterable, and hold up its
       head and look at the bright side of things for once.
       We stopped for a nooning at a strongly built little inn
       called the Schwarenbach. It sits in a lonely spot among
       the peaks, where it is swept by the trailing fringes
       of the cloud-rack, and is rained on, and snowed on,
       and pelted and persecuted by the storms, nearly every day
       of its life. It was the only habitation in the whole
       Gemmi Pass.
       Close at hand, now, was a chance for a blood-curdling
       Alpine adventure. Close at hand was the snowy mass
       of the Great Altels cooling its topknot in the sky
       and daring us to an ascent. I was fired with the idea,
       and immediately made up my mind to procure the necessary
       guides, ropes, etc., and undertake it. I instructed
       Harris to go to the landlord of the inn and set him
       about our preparations. Meantime, I went diligently
       to work to read up and find out what this much-talked-of
       mountain-climbing was like, and how one should go about
       it--for in these matters I was ignorant. I opened
       Mr. Hinchliff's SUMMER MONTHS AMONG THE ALPS (published
       1857), and selected his account of his ascent of Monte Rosa.
       It began:
       "It is very difficult to free the mind from excitement
       on the evening before a grand expedition--"
       I saw that I was too calm; so I walked the room a while
       and worked myself into a high excitement; but the book's
       next remark --that the adventurer must get up at two
       in the morning--came as near as anything to flatting it
       all out again. However, I reinforced it, and read on,
       about how Mr. Hinchliff dressed by candle-light and was "soon
       down among the guides, who were bustling about in the passage,
       packing provisions, and making every preparation for the start";
       and how he glanced out into the cold clear night and saw that--
       "The whole sky was blazing with stars, larger and brighter
       than they appear through the dense atmosphere breathed
       by inhabitants of the lower parts of the earth.
       They seemed actually suspended from the dark vault
       of heaven, and their gentle light shed a fairylike gleam
       over the snow-fields around the foot of the Matterhorn,
       which raised its stupendous pinnacle on high, penetrating to
       the heart of the Great Bear, and crowning itself with a
       diadem of his magnificent stars. Not a sound disturbed
       the deep tranquillity of the night, except the distant
       roar of streams which rush from the high plateau of the
       St. Theodule glacier, and fall headlong over precipitous
       rocks till they lose themselves in the mazes of
       the Gorner glacier."
       He took his hot toast and coffee, and then about
       half past three his caravan of ten men filed away
       from the Riffel Hotel, and began the steep climb.
       At half past five he happened to turn around, and "beheld
       the glorious spectacle of the Matterhorn, just touched
       by the rosy-fingered morning, and looking like a huge
       pyramid of fire rising out of the barren ocean of ice
       and rock around it." Then the Breithorn and the Dent
       Blanche caught the radiant glow; but "the intervening
       mass of Monte Rosa made it necessary for us to climb many
       long hours before we could hope to see the sun himself,
       yet the whole air soon grew warmer after the splendid
       birth of the day."
       He gazed at the lofty crown of Monte Rosa and the wastes
       of snow that guarded its steep approaches, and the chief
       guide delivered the opinion that no man could conquer
       their awful heights and put his foot upon that summit.
       But the adventurers moved steadily on, nevertheless.
       They toiled up, and up, and still up; they passed
       the Grand Plateau; then toiled up a steep shoulder
       of the mountain, clinging like flies to its rugged face;
       and now they were confronted by a tremendous wall from
       which great blocks of ice and snow were evidently in the
       habit of falling. They turned aside to skirt this wall,
       and gradually ascended until their way was barred by a "maze
       of gigantic snow crevices,"--so they turned aside again,
       and "began a long climb of sufficient steepness to make
       a zigzag course necessary."
       Fatigue compelled them to halt frequently, for a moment
       or two. At one of these halts somebody called out,
       "Look at Mont Blanc!" and "we were at once made aware
       of the very great height we had attained by actually seeing
       the monarch of the Alps and his attendant satellites
       right over the top of the Breithorn, itself at least
       14,000 feet high!"
       These people moved in single file, and were all tied
       to a strong rope, at regular distances apart, so that if
       one of them slipped on those giddy heights, the others
       could brace themselves on their alpenstocks and save him
       from darting into the valley, thousands of feet below.
       By and by they came to an ice-coated ridge which was tilted
       up at a sharp angle, and had a precipice on one side of it.
       They had to climb this, so the guide in the lead cut
       steps in the ice with his hatchet, and as fast as he
       took his toes out of one of these slight holes, the toes
       of the man behind him occupied it.
       "Slowly and steadily we kept on our way over this dangerous
       part of the ascent, and I dare say it was fortunate for
       some of us that attention was distracted from the head
       by the paramount necessity of looking after the feet;
       FOR, WHILE ON THE LEFT THE INCLINE OF ICE WAS SO STEEP
       THAT IT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE FOR ANY MAN TO SAVE HIMSELF
       IN CASE OF A SLIP, UNLESS THE OTHERS COULD HOLD HIM UP,
       ON THE RIGHT WE MIGHT DROP A PEBBLE FROM THE HAND OVER
       PRECIPICES OF UNKNOWN EXTENT DOWN UPON THE TREMENDOUS
       GLACIER BELOW.
       "Great caution, therefore, was absolutely necessary,
       and in this exposed situation we were attacked by all
       the fury of that grand enemy of aspirants to Monte
       Rosa--a severe and bitterly cold wind from the north.
       The fine powdery snow was driven past us in the clouds,
       penetrating the interstices of our clothes, and the pieces
       of ice which flew from the blows of Peter's ax were
       whisked into the air, and then dashed over the precipice.
       We had quite enough to do to prevent ourselves from being
       served in the same ruthless fashion, and now and then,
       in the more violent gusts of wind, were glad to stick our
       alpenstocks into the ice and hold on hard."
       Having surmounted this perilous steep, they sat down and
       took a brief rest with their backs against a sheltering
       rock and their heels dangling over a bottomless abyss;
       then they climbed to the base of another ridge--a more
       difficult and dangerous one still:
       "The whole of the ridge was exceedingly narrow, and the
       fall on each side desperately steep, but the ice in some
       of these intervals between the masses of rock assumed
       the form of a mere sharp edge, almost like a knife;
       these places, though not more than three or four short
       paces in length, looked uncommonly awkward; but, like the
       sword leading true believers to the gates of Paradise,
       they must needs be passed before we could attain to
       the summit of our ambition. These were in one or two
       places so narrow, that in stepping over them with toes
       well turned out for greater security, ONE END OF THE
       FOOT PROJECTED OVER THE AWFUL PRECIPICE ON THE RIGHT,
       WHILE THE OTHER WAS ON THE BEGINNING OF THE ICE SLOPE ON
       THE LEFT, WHICH WAS SCARCELY LESS STEEP THAN THE ROCKS.
       On these occasions Peter would take my hand, and each
       of us stretching as far as we could, he was thus enabled
       to get a firm footing two paces or rather more from me,
       whence a spring would probably bring him to the rock
       on the other side; then, turning around, he called
       to me to come, and, taking a couple of steps carefully,
       I was met at the third by his outstretched hand ready
       to clasp mine, and in a moment stood by his side.
       The others followed in much the same fashion. Once my
       right foot slipped on the side toward the precipice,
       but I threw out my left arm in a moment so that it caught
       the icy edge under my armpit as I fell, and supported
       me considerably; at the same instant I cast my eyes
       down the side on which I had slipped, and contrived
       to plant my right foot on a piece of rock as large as a
       cricket-ball, which chanced to protrude through the ice,
       on the very edge of the precipice. Being thus anchored
       fore and aft, as it were, I believe I could easily have
       recovered myself, even if I had been alone, though it must
       be confessed the situation would have been an awful one;
       as it was, however, a jerk from Peter settled the matter
       very soon, and I was on my legs all right in an instant.
       The rope is an immense help in places of this kind."
       Now they arrived at the base of a great knob or dome
       veneered with ice and powdered with snow--the utmost,
       summit, the last bit of solidity between them and the hollow
       vault of heaven. They set to work with their hatchets,
       and were soon creeping, insectlike, up its surface, with their
       heels projecting over the thinnest kind of nothingness,
       thickened up a little with a few wandering shreds and
       films of cloud moving in a lazy procession far below.
       Presently, one man's toe-hold broke and he fell! There he
       dangled in mid-air at the end of the rope, like a spider,
       till his friends above hauled him into place again.
       A little bit later, the party stood upon the wee pedestal
       of the very summit, in a driving wind, and looked out
       upon the vast green expanses of Italy and a shoreless
       ocean of billowy Alps.
       When I had read thus far, Harris broke into the room
       in a noble excitement and said the ropes and the guides
       were secured, and asked if I was ready. I said I
       believed I wouldn't ascend the Altels this time.
       I said Alp-climbing was a different thing from what I had
       supposed it was, and so I judged we had better study its
       points a little more before we went definitely into it.
       But I told him to retain the guides and order them to
       follow us to Zermatt, because I meant to use them there.
       I said I could feel the spirit of adventure beginning
       to stir in me, and was sure that the fell fascination
       of Alp-climbing would soon be upon me. I said he could
       make up his mind to it that we would do a deed before we
       were a week older which would make the hair of the timid
       curl with fright.
       This made Harris happy, and filled him with ambitious
       anticipations. He went at once to tell the guides to
       follow us to Zermatt and bring all their paraphernalia
       with them. _
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CHAPTER I - The Knighted Knave of Bergen
CHAPTER II - Heidelberg - Landing a Monarch at Heidelberg
CHAPTER III - Baker's Bluejay Yarn - What Stumped the Blue Jays
CHAPTER IV - Student Life - The Laborious Beer King
CHAPTER V - At the Students' Dueling-Ground - Dueling by Wholesale
CHAPTER VI - A Sport that Sometimes Kills
CHAPTER VII - How Bismark Fought
CHAPTER VIII - The Great French Duel - I Second Gambetta in a Terrific Duel
CHAPTER IX - What the Beautiful Maiden Said
CHAPTER X - How Wagner Operas Bang Along
CHAPTER XI - I Paint a "Turner"
CHAPTER XII - What the Wives Saved
CHAPTER XIII - My Long Crawl in the Dark
CHAPTER XIV - Rafting Down the Neckar
CHAPTER XV - Down the River - Charming Waterside Pictures
CHAPTER XVI - An Ancient Legend of the Rhine - The Lorelei
CHAPTER XVII - Why Germans Wear Spectacles
CHAPTER XVIII - The Kindly Courtesy of Germans
CHAPTER XIX - The Deadly Jest of Dilsberg
CHAPTER XX - My Precious, Priceless Tear-Jug
CHAPTER XXI - Insolent Shopkeepers and Gabbling Americans
CHAPTER XXII - The Black Forest and Its Treasures
CHAPTER XXIII - Nicodemus Dodge and the Skeleton
CHAPTER XXIV - I Protect the Empress of Germany
CHAPTER XXV - Hunted by the Little Chamois
CHAPTER XXVI - The Nest of the Cuckoo-clock
CHAPTER XXVII - I Spare an Awful Bore
CHAPTER XXVIII - The Jodel and Its Native Wilds
CHAPTER XXIX - Looking West for Sunrise
CHAPTER XXX - Harris Climbs Mountains for Me
CHAPTER XXXI - Alp-scaling by Carriage
CHAPTER XXXII - The Jungfrau, the Bride, and the Piano
CHAPTER XXXIII - We Climb Far--by Buggy
CHAPTER XXXIV - The World's Highest Pig Farm
CHAPTER XXXV - Swindling the Coroner
CHAPTER XXXVI - The Fiendish Fun of Alp-climbing