(Madame Jourdain, Monsieur Jourdain, Nicole, Lackeys) MADAME JOURDAIN Ah, ah! Here's a new story! What's this, what's this, husband, this outfit you have on there? Don't you care what people think of you when you are got up like that? And do you want yourself laughed at everywhere?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN None but fools and dolts will laugh at me wife.
MADAME JOURDAIN Truly, they haven't waited until now, your antics have long given a laugh to everyone.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN Who's everyone, if you please?
MADAME JOURDAIN Everyone is everyone who is right and who is wiser than you. For my part, I am scandalized at the life you lead. I no longer recognize our house. One would say it's the beginning of Carnival here, every day; and beginning early in the morning, so it won't be forgotten, one hears nothing but the racket of fiddles and singers which disturbs the whole neighborhood.
NICOLE Madame speaks well. I'll never be able to get my housework done properly with that gang you have come here. They have feet that hunt for mud in every part of town to bring it here; and poor Françoise almost has her teeth on the floor, scrubbing the boards that your fine masters come to dirty up every day.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN What, our servant Nicole, you have quite a tongue for a peasant.
MADAME JOURDAIN Nicole is right, and she has more sense than you. I'd like to know what you think you're going to do with a Dancing Master, at your age?
NICOLE And with a hulking Fencing Master who comes stamping his feet, shaking the whole house and tearing up all the floorboards in our drawing-room.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN Be quiet, both servant and wife!
MADAME JOURDAIN Is it that you're learning to dance for the time when you'll have no legs to dance on?
NICOLE Do you want to kill someone?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN Quiet, I tell you! You are ignorant women, both of you, and you don't know the advantages of all this.
MADAME JOURDAIN You should instead be thinking of marrying off your daughter, who is of an age to be provided for.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN I'll think of marrying off my daughter when a suitable match comes along, but I also want to learn about fine things.
NICOLE I heard said, Madame, that today he took a Philosophy Master to thicken the soup!
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN Very well. I have a wish to have wit and to reason about things with decent people.
MADAME JOURDAIN Don't you intend, one of these days, to go to school and have yourself whipped at your age?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN Why not? Would to God I were whipped this minute in front of everyone, if I only knew what they learn at school!
NICOLE Yes, my faith! That would get you into better shape.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN Without doubt.
MADAME JOURDAIN All this is very important to the management of your house.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN Assuredly. You both talk like beasts, and I'm ashamed of your ignorance. For example, do you know what are you speaking just now?
MADAME JOURDAIN Yes, I know that what I'm saying is well said and that you ought to be considering living in another way.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN I'm not talking about that. I'm asking if you know what the words are that you are saying here?
MADAME JOURDAIN They are words that are very sensible, and your conduct is scarcely so.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN I'm not talking about that, I tell you. I'm asking you: what is it that I'm speaking to you this minute, what is it?
MADAME JOURDAIN Nonsense.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN No, no! That's not it. What is it we are both saying, what language is it that we are speaking right now?
MADAME JOURDAIN Well?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN What is it called?
MADAME JOURDAIN It's called whatever you want.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN It's prose, you ignorant creature.
MADAME JOURDAIN Prose?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN Yes, prose. Everything is prose that is not verse; and everything that's not verse is prose. There! This is what it is to study! And you
(to Nicole), do you know what you must do to say U?
NICOLE What?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN Say U, in order to see.
NICOLE Oh Well, U.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN What do you do?
NICOLE I say U.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN Yes, but, when you say U, what do you do?
NICOLE I do what you tell me to.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN Oh, how strange it is to have to deal with morons! You thrust your lips out and bring your lower jaw to your upper jaw: U, see? U. Do you see? I make a pout: U.
NICOLE Yes, that's beautiful.
MADAME JOURDAIN How admirable.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN But it's quite another thing, if you have seen O, and D, D, and F, F.
MADAME JOURDAIN What is all this rigmarole?
NICOLE What does all this do for us?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN It enrages me when I see these ignorant women.
MADAME JOURDAIN Go, go, you ought to send all those people packing with their foolishness.
NICOLE And above all, that great gawk of a Fencing Master, who ruins all my work with dust.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN Well! This Fencing Master seems to get under your skin. I'll soon show you how impertinent you are
.(He has the foils brought and gives one to Nicole). There. Demonstration: The line of the body. When your opponent thrusts in quarte, you need only do this, and when they thrust in tierce, you need only do this. That is the way never to be killed, and isn't it fine to be assured of what one does, when fighting against someone? There, thrust at me a little, to see.
NICOLE Well then, what?
(Nicole thrusts, giving him several hits). MONSIEUR JOURDAIN Easy! Wait! Oh! Gently! Devil take the hussy!
NICOLE You told me to thrust.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN Yes, but you thrust in tierce, before you thrust in quarte, and you didn't have the patience to let me parry.
MADAME JOURDAIN You are a fool, husband, with all your fantasies, and this has come to you since you took a notion to associate with the nobility.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN When I associate with the nobility, I show my good judgment; and that's better than associating with your shopkeepers.
MADAME JOURDAIN Oh yes, truly! There's a great deal to gain by consorting with your nobles, and you did so well with your fine Count you were so taken with!
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN Peace! Think what you're saying. You know very well, wife, that you don't know who you're talking about, when you talk about him! He's a more important person than you think: a great Lord, respected at court, and who talks to the King just as I talk to you. Is it not a thing which does me great honor, that a person of this quality is seen to come so often to my house, who calls me his dear friend and treats me as if I were his equal? He has more regard for me than one would ever imagine; and, in front of everyone, he shows me so much affection that I am embarrassed myself.
MADAME JOURDAIN Yes, he has a kindness for you, and shows his affection, but he borrows your money.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN So! Isn't it an honor for me to lend money to a man of that condition? And can I do less for a lord who calls me his dear friend?
MADAME JOURDAIN And this lord, what does he do for you?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN Things that would astonish you if you knew them.
MADAME JOURDAIN Like what?
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN Blast! I cannot explain myself. It must suffice that if I have lent him money, he'll pay it back fully, and before long.
MADAME JOURDAIN Yes. You are waiting for that.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN Assuredly. Didn't he tell me so?
MADAME JOURDAIN Yes, yes, he won't fail to do it.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN He swore it on the faith of a gentleman.
MADAME JOURDAIN Nonsense!
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN Well! You are very obstinate, wife. I tell you he will keep his word, I'm sure of it.
MADAME JOURDAIN And I'm sure he will not, and that all his show of affection is only to flatter you.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN Be still. Here he is.
MADAME JOURDAIN That's all we needed! He's come again perhaps to borrow something from you. The very sight of him spoils my appetite.
MONSIEUR JOURDAIN Be still, I tell you.