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Curious Republic Of Gondour And Other Whimsical Sketches
OUR PRECIOUS LUNATIC
Mark Twain
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       _ [From the Buffalo Express, Saturday, May 14, 1870.]
       New YORK, May 10.
       The Richardson-McFarland jury had been out one hour and fifty minutes.
       A breathless silence brooded over court and auditory--a silence and a
       stillness so absolute, notwithstanding the vast multitude of human beings
       packed together there, that when some one far away among the throng under
       the northeast balcony cleared his throat with a smothered little cough it
       startled everybody uncomfortably, so distinctly did it grate upon the
       pulseless air. At that imposing moment the bang of a door was heard,
       then the shuffle of approaching feet, and then a sort of surging and
       swaying disorder among the heads at the entrance from the jury-room told
       them that the Twelve were coming. Presently all was silent again, and
       the foreman of the jury rose and said:
       "Your Honor and Gentleman: We, the jury charged with the duty of
       determining whether the prisoner at the bar, Daniel McFarland, has been
       guilty of murder, in taking by surprise an unarmed man and shooting him
       to death, or whether the prisoner is afflicted with a sad but
       irresponsible insanity which at times can be cheered only by violent
       entertainment with firearms, do find as follows, namely:
       "That the prisoner, Daniel McFarland, is insane as above described.
       Because:
       "1. His great grandfather's stepfather was tainted with insanity, and
       frequently killed people who were distasteful to him. Hence, insanity is
       hereditary in the family.
       "2. For nine years the prisoner at the bar did not adequately support his
       family. Strong circumstantial evidence of insanity.
       "3. For nine years he made of his home, as a general thing, a poor-house;
       sometimes (but very rarely) a cheery, happy habitation; frequently the
       den of a beery, drivelling, stupefied animal; but never, as far as
       ascertained, the abiding place of a gentleman. These be evidences of
       insanity.
       "4. He once took his young unmarried sister-in-law to the museum; while
       there his hereditary insanity came upon him to such a degree that he
       hiccupped and staggered; and afterward, on the way home, even made love
       to the young girl he was protecting. These are the acts of a person not
       in his right mind.
       "5. For a good while his sufferings were so great that he had to submit
       to the inconvenience of having his wife give public readings for the
       family support; and at times, when he handed these shameful earnings to
       the barkeeper, his haughty soul was so torn with anguish that he could
       hardly stand without leaning against something. At such times he has
       been known to shed tears into his sustenance till it diluted to utter
       inefficiency. Inattention of this nature is not the act of a Democrat
       unafflicted in mind.
       "6. He never spared expense in making his wife comfortable during her
       occasional confinements. Her father is able to testify to this. There
       was always an element of unsoundness about the prisoner's generosities
       that is very suggestive at this time and before this court.
       "7. Two years ago the prisoner came fearlessly up behind Richardson in
       the dark, and shot him in the leg. The prisoner's brave and protracted
       defiance of an adversity that for years had left him little to depend
       upon for support but a wife who sometimes earned scarcely anything for
       weeks at a time, is evidence that he would have appeared in front of
       Richardson and shot him in the stomach if he had not been insane at the
       time of the shooting.
       "8. Fourteen months ago the prisoner told Archibald Smith that he was
       going to kill Richardson. This is insanity.
       "9. Twelve months ago he told Marshall P. Jones that he was going to kill
       Richardson. Insanity.
       "10. Nine months ago he was lurking about Richardson's home in New
       Jersey, and said he was going to kill Richardson. Insanity.
       "11. Seven months ago he showed a pistol to Seth Brown and said that that
       was for Richardson. He said Brown testified that at that time it seemed
       plain that something was the matter with McFarland, for he crossed the
       street diagonally nine times in fifty yards, apparently without any
       settled reason for doing so, and finally fell in the gutter and went to
       sleep. He remarked at the time that McFarland acted strange--believed he
       was insane. Upon hearing Brown's evidence, John W. Galen, M.D., affirmed
       at once that McFarland was insane.
       "12. Five months ago, McFarland showed his customary pistol, in his
       customary way, to his bed-fellow, Charles A. Dana, and told him he was
       going to kill Richardson the first time an opportunity offered. Evidence
       of insanity.
       "13. Five months and two weeks ago McFarland asked John Morgan the time
       of day, and turned and walked rapidly away without waiting for an answer.
       Almost indubitable evidence of insanity. And--
       "14. It is remarkable that exactly one week after this circumstance, the
       prisoner, Daniel McFarland, confronted Albert D. Richardson suddenly and
       without warning, and shot him dead. This is manifest insanity.
       Everything we know of the prisoner goes to show that if he had been sane
       at the time, he would have shot his victim from behind.
       "15. There is an absolutely overwhelming mass of testimony to show that
       an hour before the shooting, McFarland was ANXIOUS AND UNEASY, and that
       five minutes after it he was EXCITED. Thus the accumulating conjectures
       and evidences of insanity culminate in this sublime and unimpeachable
       proof of it. Therefore--
       "Your Honor and Gentlemen--We the jury pronounce the said Daniel McFarland
       INNOCENT OF MURDER, BUT CALAMITOUSLY INSANE."
       The scene that ensued almost defies description. Hats, handkerchiefs and
       bonnets were frantically waved above the massed heads in the courtroom,
       and three tremendous cheers and a tiger told where the sympathies of the
       court and people were. Then a hundred pursed lips were advanced to kiss
       the liberated prisoner, and many a hand thrust out to give him a
       congratulatory shake--but presto! with a maniac's own quickness and a
       maniac's own fury the lunatic assassin of Richardson fell upon his
       friends with teeth and nails, boots and office furniture, and the amazing
       rapidity with which he broke heads and limbs, and rent and sundered
       bodies, till nearly a hundred citizens were reduced to mere quivering
       heaps of fleshy odds and ends and crimson rags, was like nothing in this
       world but the exultant frenzy of a plunging, tearing, roaring devil of a
       steam machine when it snatches a human being and spins him and whirls him
       till he shreds away to nothingness like a "Four o'clock" before the
       breath of a child.
       The destruction was awful. It is said that within the space of eight
       minutes McFarland killed and crippled some six score persons and tore
       down a large portion of the City Hall building, carrying away and casting
       into Broadway six or seven marble columns fifty-four feet long and
       weighing nearly two tons each. But he was finally captured and sent in
       chains to the lunatic asylum for life.
       (By late telegrams it appears that this is a mistake.--Editor Express.)
       But the really curious part of this whole matter is yet to be told. And
       that is, that McFarland's most intimate friends believe that the very
       next time that it ever occurred to him that the insanity plea was not a
       mere politic pretense, was when the verdict came in. They think that the
       startling thought burst upon him then, that if twelve good and true men,
       able to comprehend all the baseness of perjury, proclaimed under oath
       that he was a lunatic, there was no gainsaying such evidence and that he
       UNQUESTIONABLY WAS INSANE!
       Possibly that was really the way of it. It is dreadful to think that
       maybe the most awful calamity that can befall a man, namely, loss of
       reason, was precipitated upon this poor prisoner's head by a jury that
       could have hanged him instead, and so done him a mercy and his country a
       service.
       POSTSCRIPT-LATER
       May 11--I do not expect anybody to believe so astounding a thing, and yet
       it is the solemn truth that instead of instantly sending the dangerous
       lunatic to the insane asylum (which I naturally supposed they would do,
       and so I prematurely said they had) the court has actually SET HIM AT
       LIBERTY. Comment is unnecessary. M. T. _