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Curious Republic Of Gondour And Other Whimsical Sketches
THE CURIOUS REPUBLIC OF GONDOUR
Mark Twain
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       _ THE CURIOUS REPUBLIC OF GONDOUR
       As soon as I had learned to speak the language a little, I became greatly
       interested in the people and the system of government.
       I found that the nation had at first tried universal suffrage pure and
       simple, but had thrown that form aside because the result was not
       satisfactory. It had seemed to deliver all power into the hands of the
       ignorant and non-tax-paying classes; and of a necessity the responsible
       offices were filled from these classes also.
       A remedy was sought. The people believed they had found it; not in the
       destruction of universal suffrage, but in the enlargement of it. It was
       an odd idea, and ingenious. You must understand, the constitution gave
       every man a vote; therefore that vote was a vested right, and could not
       be taken away. But the constitution did not say that certain individuals
       might not be given two votes, or ten! So an amendatory clause was
       inserted in a quiet way; a clause which authorised the enlargement of the
       suffrage in certain cases to be specified by statute. To offer to
       "limit" the suffrage might have made instant trouble; the offer to
       "enlarge" it had a pleasant aspect. But of course the newspapers soon
       began to suspect; and then out they came! It was found, however, that
       for once--and for the first time in the history of the republic--
       property, character, and intellect were able to wield a political
       influence; for once, money, virtue, and intelligence took a vital and a
       united interest in a political question; for once these powers went to
       the "primaries" in strong force; for once the best men in the nation were
       put forward as candidates for that parliament whose business it should be
       to enlarge the suffrage. The weightiest half of the press quickly joined
       forces with the new movement, and left the other half to rail about the
       proposed "destruction of the liberties" of the bottom layer of society,
       the hitherto governing class of the community.
       The victory was complete. The new law was framed and passed. Under it
       every citizen, howsoever poor or ignorant, possessed one vote,
       so universal suffrage still reigned; but if a man possessed a good
       common-school education and no money, he had two votes; a high-school
       education gave him four; if he had property like wise, to the value of
       three thousand 'sacos,' he wielded one more vote; for every fifty
       thousand 'sacos' a man added to his property, he was entitled to another
       vote; a university education entitled a man to nine votes, even though he
       owned no property. Therefore, learning being more prevalent and more
       easily acquired than riches, educated men became a wholesome check upon
       wealthy men, since they could outvote them. Learning goes usually with
       uprightness, broad views, and humanity; so the learned voters, possessing
       the balance of power, became the vigilant and efficient protectors of the
       great lower rank of society.
       And now a curious thing developed itself--a sort of emulation, whose
       object was voting power! Whereas formerly a man was honored only
       according to the amount of money he possessed, his grandeur was measured
       now by the number of votes he wielded. A man with only one vote was
       conspicuously respectful to his neighbor who possessed three. And if he
       was a man above the common-place, he was as conspicuously energetic in
       his determination to acquire three for himself. This spirit of emulation
       invaded all ranks. Votes based upon capital were commonly called
       "mortal" votes, because they could be lost; those based upon learning
       were called "immortal," because they were permanent, and because of their
       customarily imperishable character they were naturally more valued than
       the other sort. I say "customarily" for the reason that these votes were
       not absolutely imperishable, since insanity could suspend them.
       Under this system, gambling and speculation almost ceased in the
       republic. A man honoured as the possessor of great voting power could
       not afford to risk the loss of it upon a doubtful chance.
       It was curious to observe the manners and customs which the enlargement
       plan produced. Walking the street with a friend one day he delivered a
       careless bow to a passer-by, and then remarked that that person possessed
       only one vote and would probably never earn another; he was more
       respectful to the next acquaintance he met; he explained that this salute
       was a four-vote bow. I tried to "average" the importance of the people
       he accosted after that, by the-nature of his bows, but my success was
       only partial, because of the somewhat greater homage paid to the
       immortals than to the mortals. My friend explained. He said there was
       no law to regulate this thing, except that most powerful of all laws,
       custom. Custom had created these varying bows, and in time they had
       become easy and natural. At this moment he delivered himself of a very
       profound salute, and then said, "Now there's a man who began life as a
       shoemaker's apprentice, and without education; now he swings twenty-two
       mortal votes and two immortal ones; he expects to pass a high-school
       examination this year and climb a couple of votes higher among the
       immortals; mighty valuable citizen."
       By and by my friend met a venerable personage, and not only made him a
       most elaborate bow, but also took off his hat. I took off mine, too,
       with a mysterious awe. I was beginning to be infected.
       "What grandee is that?"
       "That is our most illustrious astronomer. He hasn't any money, but is
       fearfully learned. Nine immortals is his political weight! He would
       swing a hundred and fifty votes if our system were perfect."
       "Is there any altitude of mere moneyed grandeur that you take off your
       hat to?"
       "No. Nine immortal votes is the only power we uncover for that is, in
       civil life. Very great officials receive that mark of homage, of
       course."
       It was common to hear people admiringly mention men who had begun life on
       the lower levels and in time achieved great voting-power. It was also
       common to hear youths planning a future of ever so many votes for
       themselves. I heard shrewd mammas speak of certain young men as good
       "catches" because they possessed such-and-such a number of votes. I knew
       of more than one case where an heiress was married to a youngster who had
       but one vote; the argument being that he was gifted with such excellent
       parts that in time he would acquire a good voting strength, and perhaps
       in the long run be able to outvote his wife, if he had luck.
       Competitive examinations were the rule and in all official grades. I
       remarked that the questions asked the candidates were wild, intricate,
       and often required a sort of knowledge not needed in the office sought.
       "Can a fool or an ignoramus answer them?" asked the person I was talking
       with.
       "Certainly not."
       "Well, you will not find any fools or ignoramuses among our officials."
       I felt rather cornered, but made shift to say:
       "But these questions cover a good deal more ground than is necessary."
       "No matter; if candidates can answer these it is tolerably fair evidence
       that they can answer nearly any other question you choose to ask them."
       There were some things in Gondour which one could not shut his eyes to.
       One was, that ignorance and incompetence had no place in the government.
       Brains and property managed the state. A candidate for office must have
       marked ability, education, and high character, or he stood no sort of
       chance of election. If a hod-carrier possessed these, he could succeed;
       but the mere fact that he was a hod-carrier could not elect him, as in
       previous times.
       It was now a very great honour to be in the parliament or in office;
       under the old system such distinction had only brought suspicion upon a
       man and made him a helpless mark for newspaper contempt and scurrility.
       Officials did not need to steal now, their salaries being vast in
       comparison with the pittances paid in the days when parliaments were
       created by hod-carriers, who viewed official salaries from a hod-carrying
       point of view and compelled that view to be respected by their obsequious
       servants. Justice was wisely and rigidly administered; for a judge,
       after once reaching his place through the specified line of promotions,
       was a permanency during good behaviour. He was not obliged to modify his
       judgments according to the effect they might have upon the temper of a
       reigning political party.
       The country was mainly governed by a ministry which went out with the
       administration that created it. This was also the case with the chiefs
       of the great departments. Minor officials ascended to their several
       positions through well-earned promotions, and not by a jump from gin-
       mills or the needy families and friends of members of parliament. Good
       behaviour measured their terms of office.
       The head of the governments the Grand Caliph, was elected for a term of
       twenty years. I questioned the wisdom of this. I was answered that he
       could do no harm, since the ministry and the parliament governed the
       land, and he was liable to impeachment for misconduct. This great office
       had twice been ably filled by women, women as aptly fitted for it as some
       of the sceptred queens of history. Members of the cabinet, under many
       administrations, had been women.
       I found that the pardoning power was lodged in a court of pardons,
       consisting of several great judges. Under the old regime, this important
       power was vested in a single official, and he usually took care to have a
       general jail delivery in time for the next election.
       I inquired about public schools. There were plenty of them, and of free
       colleges too. I inquired about compulsory education. This was received
       with a smile, and the remark:
       "When a man's child is able to make himself powerful and honoured
       according to the amount of education he acquires, don't you suppose that
       that parent will apply the compulsion himself? Our free schools and free
       colleges require no law to fill them."
       There was a loving pride of country about this person's way of speaking
       which annoyed me. I had long been unused to the sound of it in my own.
       The Gondour national airs were forever dinning in my ears; therefore I
       was glad to leave that country and come back to my dear native land,
       where one never hears that sort of music. _