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Peregrine’s Progress
Book 1. The Silent Places   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 20. Of The Tongue Of A Woman And The Feet Of A Goddess
Jeffery Farnol
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       _ BOOK I. THE SILENT PLACES
       CHAPTER XX. OF THE TONGUE OF A WOMAN AND THE FEET OF A GODDESS
       Roast beef is now, has been, and probably will be, long acclaimed and proclaimed by every true-born Englishman as his own peculiar diet; vide the old song:
       "When mighty Roast Beef was the Englishman's food
       It ennobled our hearts and enriched our blood.
       O the Roast Beef of Old England
       And O for old England's Roast Beef!"
       By long association and assimilation it has become, as it were, a national asset, a very part and parcel of the British constitution.
       From ages dim and remote it has gone to the building of a sturdy race which, by dint of hard knocks and harder heads, has won for itself a mighty Empire. Our Saxon ancestors devoured it; our Norman conquerors scorned, tasted and--ate of it; our stout yeomen throve on it; our squires and gentry hunt, fight, make speeches and laws upon it; and doubtless future generations shall do the like.
       As for myself, I have frequently eaten of it, though never, I fear, with either that awe or appetite which such noble fare justly demands. But to-day within this green bower, blessed by a gentle wind that rustled the leaves about me and stirred Diana's glossy tresses where she sat beside me, I ate of beef, cold, and set between slices of new bread,--ate with a reverent joy as any healthy young Briton should. And presently, meeting the bright glance of my companion, I sighed.
       "Diana," said I, "heaven sends dew for the flower, honey for the bee and butterfly, the worm for the bird, and beef for the Briton. Let us then be duly thankful that we are neither flower, butterfly nor bird."
       "It would be worse to be the worm, I think," she answered.
       Alas! It seemed we were not to be long unmolested for, roused by a shuffling step, I glanced hastily up and beheld an old woman hobbling towards us bent upon a stick, a miserably ragged, furtive, hag-like creature who nodded and leered upon us as she came.
       "Lor', Ann!" she cried in queer, piping tones. "Lorramity, Ann--so you've fell in love at last, 'ave ye, dearie? And why not, my pretty, why not? There's nowt like a bit o' love--'cept it be a bit o' beef! O Ann, gi'es a bite o' the good meat--a mouthful for poor old Moll, do 'ee now--do!"
       "Why, for sure!" answered Diana. "You can eat and welcome, Moll; sit ye down here by me and rest your old bones. And I ain't fallen in love wi' no one, Moll."
       "Ain't you, Ann; lor', dearie, ain't you!" piped the old creature, snatching the food Diana offered. "But what about your nice young pal 'ere? Is 'e for comp'ny's sake--jest to keep away the solitood, eh, dearie?"
       "We're padding it to Tonbridge, Moll."
       "Tonbridge--hey!" gabbled this fearsome old woman, clawing at the meat with her bony, talon-like fingers in a highly offensive manner. "Tonbridge, hey, dearie?" she mumbled, stuffing the meat into her mouth until I wondered she did not choke to death outright. "'T is a goodish step from 'ere, dearie," she gasped, when at last she could speak, "a goodish bit an' love may ketch ye afore ye get there--eh, dearie, eh? I 'ope's it do, for love's a pretty thing when you're young--I know, for I was young once--aye an' 'ansome too, I was--"
       "I don't love anybody, Moll, and never shall."
       "Don't say that, dearie, oh, don't say that! Some man'll win an' tame ye yet, for all your proud, wild ways an' little knife--'e will, dearie--'e will; maids is for men an' men--"
       "Never think it, Moll!" said Diana, shaking her head. "As for men, I hates 'em and always shall--"
       "What d'ye say t' that, my fine, nice laddie--eh, eh?" piped the old, witch-like creature, leering at me hideously. "Ann's a beauty, ain't she? Made to be kissed an' all, ain't she, eh? If I was you, I'd kiss 'er afore ye reached the next milestone an' that ain't fur--kiss 'er afore she knowed, I would, an' if she takes it unkind, never trouble, jest you wait till she's asleep--steal 'er little knife an'--"
       "Let us go!" said I hastily, getting to my feet.
       "That's th' sperrit, laddie, that's th' sperrit!" croaked the old woman. "Afore th' next milestone--on th' lips! All maids love it an' so'll she, 'spite all 'er skittish ways--on 'er mouth, mind!"
       But I hasted away, nor paused until I was some distance down the road, then glancing back, I saw Diana bestow on this frightful old creature all that remained of our dinner, and money besides.
       "A truly dreadful old person, Diana!" said I, as she joined me. "I wonder you can stop to consort or speak with such--"
       "She's a woman, after all, Peregrine, very old and worn and generally hungry. And how can it harm me to be a little kind to her?"
       "She suggests vile things!"
       "What o' that, if she don't do 'em, or make others do 'em?"
       "A horrible creature!" I repeated.
       "Without a friend in the world, Peregrine."
       "Do you happen to be acquainted with every discreditable vagabond hereabouts, Diana?"
       "I knows most o' th' padding kind, trampers and sech. There'll be many going Tonbridge way to-day and tomorrow, because o' the fair."
       "Then cannot we reach Tonbridge by ways unfrequented?"
       "There's the field-paths, though 'twill take us a day longer--maybe two--"
       "No matter, let us go by the field-paths, Diana."
       So we presently struck off from the great, dusty high-road and went by ways pleasantly sequestered. By shady copse and rustling cornfield; past lonely farms and rick-yards; past placid cows that chewed, somnolent, in the shade of trees or stood knee-deep in stilly pools; past hop-gardens from whose long, green alleys stole a fragrance warm and acridly sweet; past rippling streams that murmured drowsily, sparkling amid mossy boulders or over pebbly beds; past rustics stooped to their leisured toil who straightened bowed backs to peer after us under sunburned hands; wheresoever I looked, I found some new matter for delight.
       The afternoon was very hot for the wind had fallen, and, being somewhat distressed and weary with travel, I was greatly tempted to propose a halt that I might rest and feast my sight upon the many and varied beauties of this Kentish countryside, but seeing Diana walk with the same smooth, tireless stride, I forbore for very shame.
       The stream we were following presently brought us to a wood where leaves rustled lazily, birds chirped drowsily and the brook whispered slumberously; a shady wood where wearied travellers might rest awhile, and, their troubles lulled to sleep, dream of journeys ended and happiness to be.
       Here my companion paused; and watching her as she stood to stare down into the stream that widened hereabouts to a placid pool, it seemed to me more than ever that she was akin to the beauties around us, herself the spirit of these solitudes.
       "O Diana!" I exclaimed, beholding her rapt expression. "Do you see it--feel it too--all the unending wonder of it?"
       "Well, Peregrine," she answered, her gaze still bent upon the pool, "I be wondering where we shall eat and sleep to-night, for we're miles away from Brasted--"
       "Heavens, child!" I exclaimed, seating myself beside the stream. "Have you no soul? Cannot you soar above such base material wants? Listen to the voice of this brook; has it no message for you?"
       "It sounds cool, Peregrine, so while you rest, I'll bathe my feet." And sitting down, off came her shoes and stockings forthwith.
       Now though, after my first startled glance, I kept my eyes averted, I could not help being very conscious of these white feet as they splashed and dabbled beside me and of their slim shapeliness.
       "Diana, have you indeed no soul?" I repeated.
       "If I have, it don't trouble me much!" she answered. "Why don't you dabble your feet; 'tis better than drinking?"
       "O girl," I sighed, "have you no thought beyond your immediate bodily needs, no dreams of the greater--"
       "Dreams?" she exclaimed bitterly. "It don't do for the likes o' me to go a-dreaming! Let them dream as can afford."
       "But even the poorest, humblest of us may have our dreams, Diana, visions of a greater self and nobler living. Dreams are the soul's relaxation and inspire us to higher purpose. I think it is this faculty that lifts us above the brute creation."
       Here, finding my companion silent, I glanced up to behold her watching a man who was approaching astride of a shaggy, bare-backed pony, a dark-complexioned, impudent-looking fellow with bright eyes and a wide mouth. At sight of us, he checked his steed with a jerk of the halter, smote his boot with the stout ash stick he carried, and burst into a shout of laughter. Here again I became extremely conscious of Diana's pretty, naked feet; but the fellow never even so much as glanced towards them.
       "Aha, Anna!" he cried. "Whose mother's j'y ha' ye got theer?" and he pointed at me. At this she turned and spoke angrily in that unknown speech she had used with old Azor and in which he answered her. Thus they talked awhile, Diana scowling and fierce, he grinning and impudent.
       "Hey, my buck!" he cried suddenly, tossing the ash stick to me. "You can tak' it; aye, tak' it--'t will be more use to you nor me--her'll need it more nor my pony, aye, that 'er will. Don't stand none o' her tricks, pal, though her'll take a lot o' taming, an' you ain't no match for 'er by your looks, but lay into 'er wi' yon stick an' do your best--" Having said which, he laughed again and, turning his pony, trotted off. Outraged by his insolence, I caught up the stick with some notion of running after him, but Diana checked me.
       "Not him!" she said. "He ain't--isn't like Gabbing Dick; he's a fighting man and dangerous."
       "Who is he?" I demanded.
       "A Romany."
       "And what did the fellow say to you?"
       "Nothing to harm."
       "Did he suggest--the--the same as the Peddler and that hateful old hag?"
       "Lord--and what if he did?"
       "Why, then," I answered, "for your sake there is but one of two courses that I can honourably adopt. I must either leave you at once or marry you at the--the first opportunity."
       "Marry me!" she breathed. "Marry--me?"
       "Exactly!" said I, folding my arms and staring down into the stream in a very determined fashion. At this, she sat so very still and silent that at last I ventured to glance up, to find her regarding me great-eyed. Then, all at once, to my indignant surprise, she began to laugh, but ceased as suddenly, and I wondered to see her eyes brimming with tears.
       "But I--don't love you, and you don't love me--and never can!" said she at last.
       "No!" I answered. "Nevertheless, my honour demands it!"
       "What is honour?" she questioned wistfully.
       "It is another name for duty!" I answered. "And my duty is to guard you from all evil or suspicion of evil."
       "What evil, Peregrine?"
       "The evil of vile tongues."
       "But they can't make us evil, whatever they say of us."
       "But what of your maidenly reputation?" I demanded. "That hateful peddler-fellow and vile old hag will make your name a byword--O, decidedly I must marry you!"
       "Because of your duty?"
       "And because it will resolve all my other difficulties with regard to your education; for instance, I will send you to the best and most select young ladies' academy--"
       "What sort of a thing is that, Peregrine?"
       "A place where ladies are educated in all the higher branches and taught deportment and all the refinements and usages of polite society."
       "O!" exclaimed Diana, and sent up a sparkling shower of water with a flirt of her white foot.
       "Furthermore," I continued, wiping my cheek--for some of this water had splashed me, "furthermore, Diana, you need never fear the future any longer, because as my--my wife, you would of course lack for nothing."
       "Meaning as you'd find me plenty to eat and drink, Peregrine?"
       "Heavens, yes, child!" I exclaimed. "You would be a lady of some position in society."
       "A lady--O!" she exclaimed, and flirted her foot again.
       "I beg you won't do that!" said I, wiping my face.
       "But I like to, Peregrine."
       "Why, pray?"
       "Because you are such--oh, such a Peregrine!"
       "That sounds ridiculous, Diana!"
       "But means a lot, Peregrine. But tell me, if you can make your wife a real lady, you must be a gentleman and rich--are you?"
       "I shall have a sufficiently comfortable fortune when I come of age."
       "You will be rich and grand--like your aunt?"
       "I suppose so."
       "Without working for it?"
       "Of course; I shall inherit it from my father."
       "Any one could get rich that way, couldn't they? And when will you get your money, Peregrine?"
       "In two years' time. Meanwhile, by writing to my uncles, I can procure all the money I need."
       "Why don't you?"
       "I propose doing so at the very earliest opportunity." At this she turned and looked at me with her direct, unswerving gaze, so that I grew suddenly uncomfortable. "You don't doubt my word, do you, Diana?" I questioned, glancing down at my grotesque attire.
       "No, Peregrine, I don't think you could deceive any one. Only I was wondering what brings the like o' you padding the roads dressed like--like you are."
       Hereupon, sitting down beside her, I told my story at large, much as I have written it here, to all of which she listened with such deep interest and grave attention as gratified me not a little. When at last I had ended my narrative, she sat, chin in hand, staring down at the rippling waters so long that I must needs ask what she was thinking.
       "That 't is no wonder you are so soft!" said she.
       "Soft?" I repeated indignantly.
       "Yes, soft, Peregrine, and so green--so precious green! You've never had a chance."
       "Of what?"
       "Of living. And your Aunt Julia's a fool!"
       "Diana--!" I exclaimed, inexpressibly shocked.
       "Such a fool, Peregrine, that I'm greatly minded to let you marry me just to see my lady's face when I take ye back and say, 'Ma'm, here's your precious Peregrine married to a girl o' the roads, ma'm, and a-going to be a man in spite o' you, ma'm!' Oh, tush! And now let's go on--unless you'm minded to sleep in the wood yonder and no supper."
       "As you will!" said I stiffly.
       And so, when she had donned her stockings and shoes, we continued our way together, though in silence now. _
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Ante Scriptum
Book 1. The Silent Places
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 1. Introducing Myself
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 2. Tells How And Why I Set Forth Upon The Quest In Question
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 3. Wherein The Reader Shall Find Some Description Of An Extraordinary Tinker
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 4. In Which I Meet A Down-At-Heels Gentleman
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 5. Further Concerning The Aforesaid Gentleman, One Anthony
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 6. Describes Certain Lively Happenings At The "Jolly Waggoner" Inn
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 7. White Magic
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 8. I Am Left Forlorn
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 9. Describes The Woes Of Galloping Jerry, A Notorious Highwayman
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 10. The Philosophy Of The Same
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 11. Which Proves Beyond All Argument That Clothes Make The Man
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 12. The Price Of A Goddess
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 13. Which Tells Somewhat Of My Deplorable Situation
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 14. In Which I Satisfy Myself Of My Cowardice
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 15. Proving That A Goddess Is Wholly Feminine
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 16. In Which I Begin To Appreciate The Virtues Of The Chaste Goddess
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 17. How We Set Out For Tonbridge
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 18. Concerning The Grammar Of A Goddess
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 19. How And Why I Fought With One Gabbing Dick, A Peddler
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 20. Of The Tongue Of A Woman And The Feet Of A Goddess
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 21. In Which I Learned That I Am Less Of A Coward Than I Had Supposed
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 22. Describing The Hospitality Of One Jerry Jarvis A Tinker
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 23. Discusses The Virtues Op The Onion
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 24. How I Met One Jessamy Todd, A Snatcher Of Souls
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 25. Tells Of My Adventures At The Fair
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 26. The Ethics Of Prigging
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 27. Juno Versus Diana
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 28. Exemplifying That Clothes Do Make The Man
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 29. Tells Of An Ominous Meeting
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 30. Of A Truly Memorable Occasion
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 31. A Vereker's Advice To A Vereker
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 32. How I Made A Surprising Discovery, Which, However, May Not Surprise The Reader In The Least
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 33. Of Two Incomparable Things. The Voice Of Diana And Jessamy's "Right"
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 34. The Noble Art Of Organ-Playing
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 35. Of A Shadow In The Sun
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 36. Tells How I Met Anthony Again
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 37. A Disquisition On True Love
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 38. A Crucifixion
   Book 1. The Silent Places - Chapter 39. How I Came Home Again
Book 2. Shadow
   Book 2. Shadow - Chapter 1. The Incidents Of An Early Morning Walk
   Book 2. Shadow - Chapter 2. Introducing Jasper Shrig, A Bow Street Runner
   Book 2. Shadow - Chapter 3. Concerning A Black Postchaise
   Book 2. Shadow - Chapter 4. Of A Scarabaeus Ring And A Gossamer Veil
   Book 2. Shadow - Chapter 5. Storm And Tempest
   Book 2. Shadow - Chapter 6. I Am Haunted Of Evil Dreams
   Book 2. Shadow - Chapter 7. Concerning The Song Of A Blackbird At Evening
   Book 2. Shadow - Chapter 8. The Deeps Of Hell
   Book 2. Shadow - Chapter 9. Concerning The Opening Of A Door
   Book 2. Shadow - Chapter 10. Tells How A Mystery Was Resolved
   Book 2. Shadow - Chapter 11. Which Shows That My Uncle Jervas Was Right, After All
   Book 2. Shadow - Chapter 12. How I Went Upon An Expedition With Mr. Shrig
Book 3. Dawn
   Book 3. Dawn - Chapter 1. Concerning One Tom Martin, An Ostler
   Book 3. Dawn - Chapter 2. I Go To Find Diana
   Book 3. Dawn - Chapter 3. Tells How I Found Diana And Sooner Than I Deserved
   Book 3. Dawn - Chapter 4. I Wait For A Confession
   Book 3. Dawn - Chapter 5. In Which We Meet Old Friends
   Book 3. Dawn - Chapter 6. Which, As The Patient Reader Sees, Is The Last