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Our Mr. Wrenn: The Romantic Adventures of a Gentle Man
CHAPTER III HE STARTS FOR THE LAND OF ELSEWHERE
Sinclair Lewis
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       _ The International and Atlantic Employment Bureau is a long dirty
       room with the plaster cracked like the outlines on a map, hung
       with steamship posters and the laws of New York regarding
       employment offices, which are regarded as humorous by the
       proprietor, M. Baraieff, a short slender ejaculatory person
       with a nervous black beard, lively blandness, and a knowledge of
       all the incorrect usages of nine languages. Mr. Wrenn edged
       into this junk-heap of nationalities with interested wonder.
       M. Baraieff rubbed his smooth wicked hands together and bowed a
       number of times.
       Confidentially leaning across the counter, Mr. Wrenn murmured:
       "Say, I read your ad. about wanting cattlemen. I want to make
       a trip to Europe. How--?"
       "Yes, yes, yes, yes, Mistaire. I feex you up right away.
       Ten dollars pleas-s-s-s."
       "Well, what does that entitle me to?"
       "I tole you I feex you up. Ha! Ha! I know it; you are a
       gentleman; you want a nice leetle trip on Europe. Sure. I feex
       you right up. I send you off on a nice easy cattleboat where you
       won't have to work much hardly any. Right away it goes. Ten
       dollars pleas-s-s-s."
       "But when does the boat start? Where does it start from?" Mr.
       Wrenn was a bit confused. He had never met a man who grimaced
       so politely and so rapidly.
       "Next Tuesday I send you right off."
       Mr. Wrenn regretfully exchanged ten dollars for a card informing
       Trubiggs, Atlantic Avenue, Boston, that Mr. "Ren" was to be
       "ship 1st poss. catel boat right away and charge my acct. fee
       paid Baraieff." Brightly declaring "I geef you a fine ship,"
       M. Baraieff added, on the margin of the card, in copper-plate
       script, "Best ship, easy work." He caroled, "Come early next
       Tuesday morning, "and bowed out Mr. Wrenn like a Parisian
       shopkeeper. The row of waiting servant-girls curtsied as though
       they were a hedge swayed by the wind, while Mr. Wrenn
       self-consciously hurried to get past them.
       He was too excited to worry over the patient and quiet suffering
       with which Mrs. Zapp heard the announcement that he was going.
       That Theresa laughed at him for a cattleman, while Goaty, in the
       kitchen, audibly observed that "nobody but a Yankee would travel
       in a pig-pen, "merely increased his joy in moving his belongings
       to a storage warehouse.
       Tuesday morning, clad in a sweater-jacket, tennis-shoes, an old
       felt hat, a khaki shirt and corduroys, carrying a suit-case
       packed to bursting with clothes and Baedekers, with one hundred
       and fifty dollars in express-company drafts craftily concealed,
       he dashed down to Baraieff's hole. Though it was only
       eight-thirty, he was afraid he was going to be late.
       Till 2 P.M. he sat waiting, then was sent to the Joy Steamship
       Line wharf with a ticket to Boston and a letter to Trubiggs's
       shipping-office: "Give bearer Ren as per inclosed receet one
       trip England catel boat charge my acct. SYLVESTRE BARAIEFF, N. Y."
       Standing on the hurricane-deck of the Joy Line boat, with his
       suit-case guardedly beside him, he crooned to himself tuneless
       chants with the refrain, "Free, free, out to sea. Free, free,
       that's _me!_" He had persuaded himself that there was practically
       no danger of the boat's sinking or catching fire. Anyway, he
       just wasn't going to be scared. As the steamer trudged up East
       River he watched the late afternoon sun brighten the Manhattan
       factories and make soft the stretches of Westchester fields.
       (Of course, he "thrilled.")
       He had no state-room, but was entitled to a place in a
       twelve-berth room in the hold. Here large farmers without their
       shoes were grumpily talking all at once, so he returned to the
       deck; and the rest of the night, while the other passengers
       snored, he sat modestly on a canvas stool, unblinkingly gloating
       over a sea-fabric of frosty blue that was shot through with
       golden threads when they passed lighthouses or ships. At dawn
       he was weary, peppery-eyed, but he viewed the flooding light
       with approval.
       At last, Boston.
       The front part of the shipping-office on Atlantic Avenue was a
       glass-inclosed room littered with chairs, piles of circulars,
       old pictures of Cunarders, older calendars, and directories to
       be ranked as antiques. In the midst of these remains a
       red-headed Yankee of forty, smoking a Pittsburg stogie, sat
       tilted back in a kitchen chair, reading the Boston _American_.
       Mr. Wrenn delivered M. Baraieff's letter and stood waiting,
       holding his suit-case, ready to skip out and go aboard a
       cattle-boat immediately.
       The shipping-agent glanced through the letter, then snapped:
       "Bryff's crazy. Always sends 'em too early. Wrenn, you ought
       to come to me first. What j'yuh go to that Jew first for? Here
       he goes and sends you a day late--or couple days too early. 'F
       you'd got here last night I could 've sent you off this morning
       on a Dominion Line boat. All I got now is a Leyland boat that
       starts from Portland Saturday. Le's see; this is Wednesday.
       Thursday, Friday--you'll have to wait three days. Now you want
       me to fix you up, don't you? I might not be able to get you off
       till a week from now, but you'd like to get off on a good boat
       Saturday instead, wouldn't you?"
       "Oh yes; I _would_. I--"
       "Well, I'll try to fix it. You can see for yourself; boats
       ain't leaving every minute just to please Bryff. And it's the
       busy season. Bunches of rah-rah boys wanting to cross, and
       Canadians wanting to get back to England, and Jews beating it to
       Poland--to sling bombs at the Czar, I guess. And lemme tell
       you, them Jews is all right. They're willing to pay for a man's
       time and trouble in getting 'em fixed up, and so--"
       With dignity Mr. William Wrenn stated, "Of course I'll be glad
       to--uh--make it worth your while."
       "I _thought_ you was a gentleman. Hey, Al! _Al!_" An underfed boy
       with few teeth, dusty and grown out of his trousers, appeared.
       "Clear off a chair for the gentleman. Stick that valise on top
       my desk.... Sit down, Mr. Wrenn. You see, it's like this: I'll
       tell you in confidence, you understand. This letter from Bryff
       ain't worth the paper it's written on. He ain't got any right
       to be sending out men for cattle-boats. Me, I'm running that.
       I deal direct with all the Boston and Portland lines. If you
       don't believe it just go out in the back room and ask any of the
       cattlemen out there."
       "Yes, I see," Mr. Wrenn observed, as though he were ill, and
       toed an old almanac about the floor. "Uh--Mr.--Trubiggs, is it?"
       "Yump. Yump, my boy. Trubiggs. Tru by name and true by
       nature. Heh?"
       This last was said quite without conviction. It was evidently
       a joke which had come down from earlier years. Mr. Wrenn
       ignored it and declared, as stoutly as he could:
       "You see, Mr. Trubiggs, I'd be willing to pay you--"
       "I'll tell you just how it is, Mr. Wrenn. I ain't one of these
       Sheeny employment bureaus; I'm an American; I like to look out
       for Americans. Even if you _didn't_ come to me first I'll watch
       out for your interests, same's if they was mine. Now, do you
       want to get fixed up with a nice fast boat that leaves Portland
       next Saturday, just a couple of days' wait?"
       "Oh yes, I _do_, Mr. Trubiggs."
       "Well, my list is really full--men waiting, too--but if it 'd be
       worth five dollars to you to--"
       "Here's the five dollars."
       The shipping-agent was disgusted. He had estimated from Mr.
       Wrenn's cheap sweater-jacket and tennis-shoes that he would be
       able to squeeze out only three or four dollars, and here he
       might have made ten. More in sorrow than in anger:
       "Of course you understand I may have a lot of trouble working
       you in on the _next_ boat, you coming as late as this. Course
       five dollars is less 'n what I usually get." He contemptuously
       tossed the bill on his desk. "If you want me to slip a little
       something extra to the agents--"
       Mr. Wrenn was too head-achy to be customarily timid. "Let's see
       that. Did I give you only five dollars?" Receiving the bill, he
       folded it with much primness, tucked it into the pocket of his
       shirt, and remarked:
       "Now, you said you'd fix me up for five dollars. Besides, that
       letter from Baraieff is a form with your name printed on it; so
       I know you do business with him right along. If five dollars
       ain't enough, why, then you can just go to hell, Mr. Trubiggs;
       yes, sir, that's what you can do. I'm just getting tired of
       monkeying around. If five _is_ enough I'll give this back to you
       Friday, when you send me off to Portland, if you give me a
       receipt. There!" He almost snarled, so weary and discouraged
       was he.
       Now, Trubiggs was a warm-hearted rogue, and he liked the society
       of what he called "white people." He laughed, poked a Pittsburg
       stogie at Mr. Wrenn, and consented:
       "All right. I'll fix you up. Have a smoke. Pay me the five
       Friday, or pay it to my foreman when he puts you on the
       cattle-boat. I don't care a rap which. You're all right.
       Can't bluff you, eh?"
       And, further bluffing Mr. Wrenn, he suggested to him a
       lodging-house for his two nights in Boston. "Tell the clerk
       that red-headed Trubiggs sent you, and he'll give you the best
       in the house. Tell him you're a friend of mine."
       When Mr. Wrenn had gone Mr. Trubiggs remarked to some one, by
       telephone, "'Nother sucker coming, Blaugeld. Now don't try to
       do me out of my bit or I'll cap for some other joint,
       understand? Huh? Yuh, stick him for a thirty-five-cent bed.
       S' long."
       The caravan of Trubiggs's cattlemen who left for Portland by
       night steamer, Friday, was headed by a bulky-shouldered boss, who
       wore no coat and whose corduroy vest swung cheerfully open. A
       motley troupe were the cattlemen--Jews with small trunks,
       large imitation-leather valises and assorted bundles, a stolid
       prophet-bearded procession of weary men in tattered derbies and
       sweat-shop clothes.
       There were Englishmen with rope-bound pine chests. A
       lewd-mouthed American named Tim, who said he was a hatter out of
       work, and a loud-talking tough called Pete mingled with a
       straggle of hoboes.
       The boss counted the group and selected his confidants for the
       trip to Portland--Mr. Wrenn and a youth named Morton.
       Morton was a square heavy-fleshed young man with stubby hands,
       who, up to his eyes, was stolid and solid as a granite monument,
       but merry of eye and hinting friendliness in his tousled
       soft-brown hair. He was always wielding a pipe and artfully
       blowing smoke through his nostrils.
       Mr. Wrenn and he smiled at each other searchingly as the
       Portland boat pulled out, and a wind swept straight from the
       Land of Elsewhere.
       After dinner Morton, smoking a pipe shaped somewhat like a
       golf-stick head and somewhat like a toad, at the rail of the
       steamer, turned to Mr. Wrenn with:
       "Classy bunch of cattlemen we've got to go with. Not!... My
       name's Morton."
       "I'm awful glad to meet you, Mr. Morton. My name's Wrenn."
       "Glad to be off at last, ain't you?"
       "Golly! I should say I _am!_"
       "So'm I. Been waiting for this for years. I'm a clerk for the
       P. R. R. in N' York."
       "I come from New York, too."
       "So? Lived there long?"
       "Uh-huh, I--" began Mr. Wrenn.
       "Well, I been working for the Penn. for seven years now. Now
       I've got a vacation of three months. On me. Gives me a chance
       to travel a little. Got ten plunks and a second-class ticket
       back from Glasgow. But I'm going to see England and France just
       the same. Prob'ly Germany, too."
       "Second class? Why don't you go steerage, and save?"
       "Oh, got to come back like a gentleman. You know. You're from
       New York, too, eh?"
       "Yes, I'm with an art-novelty company on Twenty-eighth Street.
       I been wanting to get away for quite some time, too.... How are
       you going to travel on ten dollars?"
       "Oh, work m' way. Cinch. Always land on my feet. Not on my
       uppers, at that. I'm only twenty-eight, but I've been on my
       own, like the English fellow says, since I was twelve.... Well,
       how about you? Traveling or going somewhere?"
       "Just traveling. I'm glad we're going together, Mr. Morton.
       I don't think most of these cattlemen are very nice. Except for
       the old Jews. They seem to be fine old coots. They make you
       think of--oh--you know--prophets and stuff. Watch 'em, over
       there, making tea. I suppose the steamer grub ain't kosher.
       I seen one on the Joy Line saying his prayers--I suppose he
       was--in a kind of shawl."
       "Well, well! You don't say so!"
       Distinctly, Mr. Wrenn felt that he was one of the gentlemen who,
       in Kipling, stand at steamer rails exchanging observations on
       strange lands. He uttered, cosmopolitanly:
       "Gee! Look at that sunset. Ain't that grand!"
       "Holy smoke! it sure is. I don't see how anybody could believe
       in religion after looking at that."
       Shocked and confused at such a theory, yet excited at finding
       that Morton apparently had thoughts, Mr. Wrenn piped:
       "Honestly, I don't see that at _all_. I don't see how anybody
       could disbelieve anything after a sunset like that. Makes me
       believe all sorts of thing--gets me going--I imagine I'm all
       sorts of places--on the Nile and so on."
       "Sure! That's just it. Everything's so peaceful and natural.
       Just _is_. Gives the imagination enough to do, even by itself,
       without having to have religion."
       "Well," reflected Mr. Wrenn, "I don't hardly ever go to church.
       I don't believe much in all them highbrow sermons that don't
       come down to brass tacks--ain't got nothing to do with real
       folks. But just the same, I love to go up to St. Patrick's
       Cathedral. Why, I get real _thrilled_--I hope you won't think
       I'm trying to get high-browed, Mr. Morton."
       "Why, no. Cer'nly not. I understand. Gwan."
       "It gets me going when I look down the aisle at the altar and
       see the arches and so on. And the priests in their robes--they
       look so--so way up--oh, I dunno just how to say it--so kind of
       _uplifted_."
       "Sure, I know. Just the esthetic end of the game. Esthetic,
       you know--the beauty part of it."
       "Yuh, sure, that's the word. 'Sthetic, that's what it is.
       Yes, 'sthetic. But, just the same, it makes me feel's though I
       believed in all sorts of things."
       "Tell you what I believe may happen, though," exulted Morton.
       "This socialism, and maybe even these here International Workers
       of the World, may pan out as a new kind of religion. I don't
       know much about it, I got to admit. But looks as though it might
       be that way. It's dead certain the old political parties are just
       gangs--don't stand for anything except the name. But this comrade
       business--good stunt. Brotherhood of man--real brotherhood. My
       idea of religion. One that is because it's got to be, not just
       because it always has been. Yessir, me for a religion of guys
       working together to make things easier for each other."
       "You bet!" commented Mr. Wrenn, and they smote each other upon
       the shoulder and laughed together in a fine flame of shared hope.
       "I wish I knew something about this socialism stuff," mused Mr.
       Wrenn, with tilted head, examining the burnt-umber edges of the
       sunset.
       "Great stuff. Not working for some lazy cuss that's inherited
       the right to boss you. And _international_ brotherhood, not just
       neighborhoods. New thing."
       "Gee! I surely would like that, awfully," sighed Mr. Wrenn.
       He saw the processional of world brotherhood tramp steadily
       through the paling sunset; saffron-vestured Mandarin marching by
       flax-faced Norseman and languid South Sea Islander--the diverse
       peoples toward whom he had always yearned.
       "But I don't care so much for some of these ranting street-corner
       socialists, though," mused Morton. "The kind that holler `Come
       get saved _our_ way or go to hell! Keep off scab guides to prosperity.'"
       "Yuh, sure. Ha! ha! ha!"
       "Huh! huh!"
       Morton soon had another thought. "Still, same time, us guys
       that do the work have got to work out something for ourselves.
       We can't bank on the rah-rah boys that wear eye-glasses and
       condescend to like us, cause they think we ain't entirely too
       dirty for 'em to associate with, and all these writer guys and
       so on. That's where you got to hand it to the street-corner
       shouters."
       "Yes, that's _so_. Y' right there, I guess, all right."
       They looked at each other and laughed again; initiated friends;
       tasting each other's souls. They shared sandwiches and
       confessions. When the other passengers had gone to bed and the
       sailors on watch seemed lonely the two men were still declaring,
       shyly but delightedly, that "things is curious."
       In the damp discomfort of early morning the cattlemen shuffled
       from the steamer at Portland and were herded to a lunch-room by
       the boss, who cheerfully smoked his corn-cob and ejaculated to
       Mr. Wrenn and Morton such interesting facts as:
       "Trubiggs is a lobster. You don't want to let the bosses bluff
       you aboard the _Merian_. They'll try to chase you in where the
       steers'll gore you. The grub'll be--"
       "What grub do you get?"
       "Scouse and bread. And water."
       "What's scouse?"
       "Beef stew without the beef. Oh, the grub'll be rotten.
       Trubiggs is a lobster. He wouldn't be nowhere if 't wa'n't for me."
       Mr. Wrenn appreciated England's need of roast beef, but he
       timidly desired not to be gored by steers, which seemed
       imminent, before breakfast coffee. The streets were coldly
       empty, and he was sleepy, and Morton was silent. At the
       restaurant, sitting on a high stool before a pine counter, he
       choked over an egg sandwich made with thick crumby slices of a
       bread that had no personality to it. He roved forlornly about
       Portland, beside the gloomy pipe-valiant Morton, fighting two
       fears: the company might not need all of them this trip, and he
       might have to wait; secondly, if he incredibly did get shipped
       and started for England the steers might prove dreadfully
       dangerous. After intense thinking he ejaculated, "Gee! it's be
       bored or get gored." Which was much too good not to tell Morton,
       so they laughed very much, and at ten o'clock were signed on for
       the trip and led, whooping, to the deck of the S.S. _Merian_.
       Cattle were still struggling down the chutes from the dock. The
       dirty decks were confusingly littered with cordage and the
       cattlemen's luggage. The Jewish elders stared sepulchrally at
       the wilderness of open hatches and rude passageways, as though
       they were prophesying death.
       But Mr. Wrenn, standing sturdily beside his suit-case to guard
       it, fawned with romantic love upon the rusty iron sides of their
       pilgrims' caravel; and as the _Merian_ left the wharf with no
       more handkerchief-waving or tears than attends a ferry's leaving
       he mumbled:
       "Free, free, out to sea. Free, free, that's _me!_"
       Then, "Gee!... Gee whittakers!" _