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The Tale of a Tub: Section IV - A Tale Of A Tub
I have now with much pains and study conducted the reader to a
period where he must expect to hear of great revolutions. For no
sooner had our learned brother, so often mentioned, got a warm house
of his own over his head, than he began to look big and to take
mightily upon him, insomuch that unless the gentle reader out of his
great candour will please a little to exalt his idea, I am afraid he
will henceforth hardly know the hero of the play when he happens to
meet him, his part, his dress, and his mien being so much altered.
He told his brothers he would have them to know that he was their
elder, and consequently his father's sole heir; nay, a while after,
he would not allow them to call him brother, but Mr. Peter; and then
he must be styled Father Peter, and sometimes My Lord Peter. To
support this grandeur, which he soon began to consider could not be
maintained without a better fonde than what he was born to, after
much thought he cast about at last to turn projector and virtuoso,
wherein he so well succeeded, that many famous discoveries,
projects, and machines which bear great vogue and practice at
present in the world, are owing entirely to Lord Peter's invention.
I will deduce the best account I have been able to collect of the
chief amongst them, without considering much the order they came out
in, because I think authors are not well agreed as to that point.
I hope when this treatise of mine shall be translated into foreign
languages (as I may without vanity affirm that the labour of
collecting, the faithfulness in recounting, and the great usefulness
of the matter to the public, will amply deserve that justice), that
of the several Academies abroad, especially those of France and
Italy, will favourably accept these humble offers for the
advancement of universal knowledge. I do also advertise the most
reverend fathers the Eastern missionaries that I have purely for
their sakes made use of such words and phrases as will best admit an
easy turn into any of the Oriental languages, especially the
Chinese. And so I proceed with great content of mind upon
reflecting how much emolument this whole globe of earth is like to
reap by my labours.
The first undertaking of Lord Peter was to purchase a large
continent, lately said to have been discovered in Terra Australis
incognita. This tract of land he bought at a very great pennyworth
from the discoverers themselves (though some pretended to doubt
whether they had ever been there), and then retailed it into several
cantons to certain dealers, who carried over colonies, but were all
shipwrecked in the voyage; upon which Lord Peter sold the said
continent to other customers again and again, and again and again,
with the same success.
The second project I shall mention was his sovereign remedy for the
worms, especially those in the spleen. The patient was to eat
nothing after supper for three nights; as soon as he went to bed, he
was carefully to lie on one side, and when he grew weary, to turn
upon the other. He must also duly confine his two eyes to the same
object, and by no means break wind at both ends together without
manifest occasion. These prescriptions diligently observed, the
worms would void insensibly by perspiration ascending through the
brain.
A third invention was the erecting of a whispering-office for the
public good and ease of all such as are hypochondriacal or troubled
with the cholic, as likewise of all eavesdroppers, physicians,
midwives, small politicians, friends fallen out, repeating poets,
lovers happy or in despair, bawds, privy-counsellors, pages,
parasites and buffoons, in short, of all such as are in danger of
bursting with too much wind. An ass's head was placed so
conveniently, that the party affected might easily with his mouth
accost either of the animal's ears, which he was to apply close for
a certain space, and by a fugitive faculty peculiar to the ears of
that animal, receive immediate benefit, either by eructation, or
expiration, or evomition.
Another very beneficial project of Lord Peter's was an office of
insurance for tobacco-pipes, martyrs of the modern zeal, volumes of
poetry, shadows . . . . and rivers, that these, nor any of these,
shall receive damage by fire. From whence our friendly societies
may plainly find themselves to be only transcribers from this
original, though the one and the other have been of great benefit to
the undertakers as well as of equal to the public.
Lord Peter was also held the original author of puppets and raree-
shows, the great usefulness whereof being so generally known, I
shall not enlarge farther upon this particular.
But another discovery for which he was much renowned was his famous
universal pickle. For having remarked how your common pickle in use
among housewives was of no farther benefit than to preserve dead
flesh and certain kinds of vegetables, Peter with great cost as well
as art had contrived a pickle proper for houses, gardens, towns,
men, women, children, and cattle, wherein he could preserve them as
sound as insects in amber. Now this pickle to the taste, the smell,
and the sight, appeared exactly the same with what is in common
service for beef, and butter, and herrings (and has been often that
way applied with great success), but for its may sovereign virtues
was quite a different thing. For Peter would put in a certain
quantity of his powder pimperlim-pimp, after which it never failed
of success. The operation was performed by spargefaction in a
proper time of the moon. The patient who was to be pickled, if it
were a house, would infallibly be preserved from all spiders, rats,
and weasels; if the party affected were a dog, he should be exempt
from mange, and madness, and hunger. It also infallibly took away
all scabs and lice, and scalled heads from children, never hindering
the patient from any duty, either at bed or board.
But of all Peter's rarities, he most valued a certain set of bulls,
whose race was by great fortune preserved in a lineal descent from
those that guarded the golden-fleece. Though some who pretended to
observe them curiously doubted the breed had not been kept entirely
chaste, because they had degenerated from their ancestors in some
qualities, and had acquired others very extraordinary, but a foreign
mixture. The bulls of Colchis are recorded to have brazen feet; but
whether it happened by ill pasture and running, by an alloy from
intervention of other parents from stolen intrigues; whether a
weakness in their progenitors had impaired the seminal virtue, or by
a decline necessary through a long course of time, the originals of
nature being depraved in these latter sinful ages of the world--
whatever was the cause, it is certain that Lord Peter's bulls were
extremely vitiated by the rust of time in the metal of their feet,
which was now sunk into common lead. However, the terrible roaring
peculiar to their lineage was preserved, as likewise that faculty of
breathing out fire from their nostrils; which notwithstanding many
of their detractors took to be a feat of art, and to be nothing so
terrible as it appeared, proceeding only from their usual course of
diet, which was of squibs and crackers. However, they had two
peculiar marks which extremely distinguished them from the bulls of
Jason, and which I have not met together in the description of any
other monster beside that in. Horace, "Varias inducere plumas," and
"Atrum definit in piscem." For these had fishes tails, yet upon
occasion could outfly any bird in the air. Peter put these bulls
upon several employs. Sometimes he would set them a roaring to
fright naughty boys and make them quiet. Sometimes he would send
them out upon errands of great importance, where it is wonderful to
recount, and perhaps the cautious reader may think much to believe
it; an appetitus sensibilis deriving itself through the whole family
from their noble ancestors, guardians of the Golden Fleece, they
continued so extremely fond of gold, that if Peter sent them abroad,
though it were only upon a compliment, they would roar, and spit,
and belch, and snivel out fire, and keep a perpetual coil till you
flung them a bit of gold; but then pulveris exigui jactu, they would
grow calm and quiet as lambs. In short, whether by secret
connivance or encouragement from their master, or out of their own
liquorish affection to gold, or both, it is certain they were no
better than a sort of sturdy, swaggering beggars; and where they
could not prevail to get an alms, would make women miscarry and
children fall into fits; who to this very day usually call sprites
and hobgoblins by the name of bull-beggars. They grew at last so
very troublesome to the neighbourhood, that some gentlemen of the
North-West got a parcel of right English bull-dogs, and baited them
so terribly, that they felt it ever after.
I must needs mention one more of Lord Peter's projects, which was
very extraordinary, and discovered him to be master of a high reach
and profound invention. Whenever it happened that any rogue of
Newgate was condemned to be hanged, Peter would offer him a pardon
for a certain sum of money, which when the poor caitiff had made all
shifts to scrape up and send, his lordship would return a piece of
paper in this form:-
"To all mayors, sheriffs, jailors, constables, bailiffs, hangmen,
&c. Whereas we are informed that A. B. remains in the hands of you,
or any of you, under the sentence of death. We will and command
you, upon sight hereof, to let the said prisoner depart to his own
habitation, whether he stands condemned for murder, sodomy, rape,
sacrilege, incest, treason, blasphemy, &c., for which this shall be
your sufficient warrant. And it you fail hereof, G--d--mn you and
yours to all eternity. And so we bid you heartily farewell. Your
most humble man's man,
"EMPEROR PETER."
The wretches trusting to this lost their lives and money too.
I desire of those whom the learned among posterity will appoint for
commentators upon this elaborate treatise, that they will proceed
with great caution upon certain dark points, wherein all who are not
vere adepti may be in danger to form rash and hasty conclusions,
especially in some mysterious paragraphs, where certain arcana are
joined for brevity sake, which in the operation must be divided.
And I am certain that future sons of art will return large thanks to
my memory for so grateful, so useful an inmuendo.
It will be no difficult part to persuade the reader that so many
worthy discoveries met with great success in the world; though I may
justly assure him that I have related much the smallest number; my
design having been only to single out such as will be of most
benefit for public imitation, or which best served to give some idea
of the reach and wit of the inventor. And therefore it need not be
wondered if by this time Lord Peter was become exceeding rich. But
alas! he had kept his brain so long and so violently upon the rack,
that at last it shook itself, and began to turn round for a little
ease. In short, what with pride, projects, and knavery, poor Peter
was grown distracted, and conceived the strangest imaginations in
the world. In the height of his fits (as it is usual with those who
run mad out of pride) he would call himself God Almighty, and
sometimes monarch of the universe. I have seen him (says my author)
take three old high-crowned hats, and clap them all on his head,
three storey high, with a huge bunch of keys at his girdle, and an
angling rod in his hand. In which guise, whoever went to take him
by the hand in the way of salutation, Peter with much grace, like a
well-educated spaniel, would present them with his foot, and if they
refused his civility, then he would raise it as high as their chops,
and give them a damned kick on the mouth, which hath ever since been
called a salute. Whoever walked by without paying him their
compliments, having a wonderful strong breath, he would blow their
hats off into the dirt. Meantime his affairs at home went upside
down, and his two brothers had a wretched time, where his first
boutade was to kick both their wives one morning out of doors, and
his own too, and in their stead gave orders to pick up the first
three strollers could be met with in the streets. A while after he
nailed up the cellar door, and would not allow his brothers a drop
of drink to their victuals {95}. Dining one day at an alderman's in
the city, Peter observed him expatiating, after the manner of his
brethren in the praises of his sirloin of beef. "Beef," said the
sage magistrate, "is the king of meat; beef comprehends in it the
quintessence of partridge, and quail, and venison, and pheasant, and
plum-pudding, and custard." When Peter came home, he would needs
take the fancy of cooking up this doctrine into use, and apply the
precept in default of a sirloin to his brown loaf. "Bread," says
he, "dear brothers, is the staff of life, in which bread is
contained inclusive the quintessence of beef, mutton, veal, venison,
partridge, plum-pudding, and custard, and to render all complete,
there is intermingled a due quantity of water, whose crudities are
also corrected by yeast or barm, through which means it becomes a
wholesome fermented liquor, diffused through the mass of the bread."
Upon the strength of these conclusions, next day at dinner was the
brown loaf served up in all the formality of a City feast. "Come,
brothers," said Peter, "fall to, and spare not; here is excellent
good mutton {96}; or hold, now my hand is in, I'll help you." At
which word, in much ceremony, with fork and knife, he carves out two
good slices of a loaf, and presents each on a plate to his brothers.
The elder of the two, not suddenly entering into Lord Peter's
conceit, began with very civil language to examine the mystery. "My
lord," said he, "I doubt, with great submission, there may be some
mistake." "What!" says Peter, "you are pleasant; come then, let us
hear this jest your head is so big with." "None in the world, my
Lord; but unless I am very much deceived, your Lordship was pleased
a while ago to let fall a word about mutton, and I would be glad to
see it with all my heart." "How," said Peter, appearing in great
surprise, "I do not comprehend this at all;" upon which the younger,
interposing to set the business right, "My Lord," said he, "my
brother, I suppose, is hungry, and longs for the mutton your
Lordship hath promised us to dinner." "Pray," said Peter, "take me
along with you, either you are both mad, or disposed to be merrier
than I approve of; if you there do not like your piece, I will carve
you another, though I should take that to be the choice bit of the
whole shoulder." "What then, my Lord?" replied the first; "it seems
this is a shoulder of mutton all this while." "Pray, sir," says
Peter, "eat your victuals and leave off your impertinence, if you
please, for I am not disposed to relish it at present;" but the
other could not forbear, being over-provoked at the affected
seriousness of Peter's countenance. "My Lord," said he, "I can only
say, that to my eyes and fingers, and teeth and nose, it seems to be
nothing but a crust of bread." Upon which the second put in his
word. "I never saw a piece of mutton in my life so nearly
resembling a slice from a twelve-penny loaf." "Look ye, gentlemen,"
cries Peter in a rage, "to convince you what a couple of blind,
positive, ignorant, wilful puppies you are, I will use but this
plain argument; by G---, it is true, good, natural mutton as any in
Leadenhall Market; and G--- confound you both eternally if you offer
to believe otherwise." Such a thundering proof as this left no
further room for objection; the two unbelievers began to gather and
pocket up their mistake as hastily as they could. "Why, truly,"
said the first, "upon more mature consideration"--"Ay," says the
other, interrupting him, "now I have thought better on the thing,
your Lordship seems to have a great deal of reason." "Very well,"
said Peter. "Here, boy, fill me a beer-glass of claret. Here's to
you both with all my heart." The two brethren, much delighted to
see him so readily appeased, returned their most humble thanks, and
said they would be glad to pledge his Lordship. "That you shall,"
said Peter, "I am not a person to refuse you anything that is
reasonable; wine moderately taken is a cordial. Here is a glass
apiece for you; it is true natural juice from the grape; none of
your damned vintner's brewings." Having spoke thus, he presented to
each of them another large dry crust, bidding them drink it off, and
not be bashful, for it would do them no hurt. The two brothers,
after having performed the usual office in such delicate
conjunctures, of staring a sufficient period at Lord Peter and each
other, and finding how matters were like to go, resolved not to
enter on a new dispute, but let him carry the point as he pleased;
for he was now got into one of his mad fits, and to argue or
expostulate further would only serve to render him a hundred times
more untractable.
I have chosen to relate this worthy matter in all its circumstances,
because it gave a principal occasion to that great and famous
rupture {98a} which happened about the same time among these
brethren, and was never afterwards made up. But of that I shall
treat at large in another section.
However, it is certain that Lord Peter, even in his lucid intervals,
was very lewdly given in his common conversation, extreme wilful and
positive, and would at any time rather argue to the death than allow
himself to be once in an error. Besides, he had an abominable
faculty of telling huge palpable lies upon all occasions, and
swearing not only to the truth, but cursing the whole company to
hell if they pretended to make the least scruple of believing him.
One time he swore he had a cow at home which gave as much milk at a
meal as would fill three thousand churches, and what was yet more
extraordinary, would never turn sour. Another time he was telling
of an old sign-post {98b} that belonged to his father, with nails
and timber enough on it to build sixteen large men-of-war. Talking
one day of Chinese waggons, which were made so light as to sail over
mountains, "Z---nds," said Peter, "where's the wonder of that? By
G---, I saw a large house of lime and stone travel over sea and land
(granting that it stopped sometimes to bait) above two thousand
German leagues." {98c} And that which was the good of it, he would
swear desperately all the while that he never told a lie in his
life, and at every word: "By G---- gentlemen, I tell you nothing
but the truth, and the d---l broil them eternally that will not
believe me."
In short, Peter grew so scandalous that all the neighbourhood began
in plain words to say he was no better than a knave; and his two
brothers, long weary of his ill-usage, resolved at last to leave
him; but first they humbly desired a copy of their father's will,
which had now lain by neglected time out of mind. Instead of
granting this request, he called them rogues, traitors, and the rest
of the vile names he could muster up. However, while he was abroad
one day upon his projects, the two youngsters watched their
opportunity, made a shift to come at the will, and took a copia vera
{99a}, by which they presently saw how grossly they had been abused,
their father having left them equal heirs, and strictly commanded
that whatever they got should lie in common among them all.
Pursuant to which, their next enterprise was to break open the
cellar-door and get a little good drink to spirit and comfort their
hearts {99b}. In copying the will, they had met another precept
against whoring, divorce, and separate maintenance; upon which,
their next work was to discard their concubines and send for their
wives {99c}. Whilst all this was in agitation, there enters a
solicitor from Newgate, desiring Lord Peter would please to procure
a pardon for a thief that was to be hanged to-morrow. But the two
brothers told him he was a coxcomb to seek pardons from a fellow who
deserved to be hanged much better than his client, and discovered
all the method of that imposture in the same form I delivered it a
while ago, advising the solicitor to put his friend upon obtaining a
pardon from the king. In the midst of all this platter and
revolution in comes Peter with a file of dragoons at his heels, and
gathering from all hands what was in the wind, he and his gang,
after several millions of scurrilities and curses not very important
here to repeat, by main force very fairly kicks them both out of
doors, and would never let them come under his roof from that day to
this.
Content of The Tale of a Tub: Section IV - A Tale Of A Tub [Jonathan Swift's ebook: A Tale of a Tub]
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