_ CHAPTER LXXIII. AFTER-THOUGHTS
Barthrop and I decided that we could not hope to continue the scheme. We had neither the force nor the experience. The whole society was, we felt, just the expression of Father Payne's personality, and without it, it had neither stability nor significance. Barthrop and the Vicar were left money legacies: the servants all received little pensions: there was a sum for distribution in the village, and a fund endowed to meet certain practical needs of the place. We handed over the estate to Father Payne's old College, the furniture and pictures to go with the house, which was to be let, if possible, to a tenant who would be inclined to settle there and make it his home: the income of the estate was to provide travelling scholarships. All had been carefully thought out with much practical sense and insight.
Our other two companions went away. Barthrop and I stayed on at the Hall together for some weeks to settle the final arrangements. We had some wonderfully touching letters from old pupils and friends of Father Payne's. One in particular, saying that the writer owed an infinite debt of gratitude to Father Payne, for having saved him from himself and given him a new life.
We talked much of Father Payne in those days; and I went alone to all the places where I had walked with him, recalling more gratefully than sadly how he had looked and moved and talked and smiled.
It came to the last night that we were to spend at the Hall together. Everything had been gone through and arranged, and we were glad, I think, to be departing.
"I don't know what to say and think about it all," said Barthrop; "I feel at present quite lost and stranded, as if my motive for living were gone, and as if I could hardly take up my work again. I know it is wrong, and I am ashamed of it. Father Payne always said that we must not depend helplessly upon persons or institutions, but must find our own real life and live it--you remember?"
"Yes," I said, "indeed I do remember! But I do not think he ever realised quite how strong he was, and how he affected those about him. He did not need us--I sometimes think he did not need anyone--and he credited everyone with living the same intent life that he lived. But I shall always be infinitely grateful to him for showing me just that--that one must live one's own life, through and in spite of everything grievous that happens. The temptation is to indulge grief, and to feel that collapse in such a case is a sign of loyalty. It isn't so--if one collapses, it only means that one has been living an artificial and parasitical life. Father Payne would have hated that--and I don't mean to do it. He has given me not only an example, but an inspiration--a real current of life has flowed into my life from his--or perhaps rather through his from some deeper origin."
"That is so," said Barthrop, "that is perfectly true! and don't you remember too how he always said life must be a _real_ fight--a joining in the fight that was going forwards? It need not be wrangling or disputing, or finding fault with other people, or maintaining and confuting. He used to say that people fought in a hundred ways--with their humour, their companionableness, their kindness, their friendliness--it need not be violent, and indeed if it was violent, that was fighting on the wrong side--it had only to be calm and sincere and dutiful."
"Did he say that?" I said. "Yes, I am sure he did--no one else could say it or think of it. Of course, we have to fight, but not by dealing injury and harm, but by seeking and following peace and goodwill. Well, we must try--and it may be that we shall find him again, though he is hidden for a little while with God."
"Yes," said Barthrop, "we shall find him, or he will find us--it makes little difference: and he will always be the same, though I hope we may be different!" _