MERCURY, SOSIE
MERCURY (Under the form of Sosie.) Under this mask which resembles him, I will drive away the babbler from here. His unfortunate arrival may disturb the pleasures our lovers are tasting together.
SOSIE My heart revives a little; perhaps it was nothing. Lest anything untoward should happen, however, I will go in to finish the conversation.
MERCURY I shall prevent your doing that unless you are stronger than Mercury.
SOSIE This night seems to me unusually long. By the time I have been on the way, either my master has taken evening for morning, or lovely Phoebus slumbers too long in bed through having taken too much wine.
MERCURY With what irreverence this lubber speaks of the Gods! My arm shall soon chastise this insolence; I shall have a fine game with him, stealing his name as well as his likeness.
SOSIE Ah! upon my word, I was right: I am done for, miserable creature that I am! I see a man before our house whose mien bodes me no good. I will sing a little to show some semblance of assurance.
(He sings; and, when Mercury speaks, his voice weakens, little by little.)
MERCURY What rascal is this, who takes the unwarrantable licence of singing and deafening me like this? Does he wish me to curry his coat for him?
SOSIE Assuredly that fellow does not like music.
MERCURY For more than a week, I have not found any one whose bones I could break; my arm will lose its strength in this idleness. I must look out for some one's back to get my wind again.
SOSIE What the deuce of a fellow is this? My heart thrills with clutching fear. But why should I tremble thus? Perhaps the rogue is as much afraid as I am, and talks in this way to hide his fear from me under a feigned audacity. Yes, yes, I will not allow him to think me a goose. If I am not bold, I will try to appear so. Let me seek courage by reason; he is alone, even as I am; I am strong, I have a good master, and there is our house.
MERCURY Who goes there?
SOSIE I.
MERCURY Who, I?
SOSIE I. Courage, Sosie!
MERCURY Tell me, what is your condition?
SOSIE To be a man, and to speak.
MERCURY Are you a master, or a servant?
SOSIE As fancy takes me.
MERCURY Where are you going?
SOSIE Where I intend to go.
MERCURY Ah! This annoys me.
SOSIE I am ravished to hear it.
MERCURY By hook or by crook, I must definitely know all about you, you wretch; what you do, whence you come before the day breaks, where you are going, and who you may be.
SOSIE I do good and ill by turns; I come from there; I go there; I belong to my master.
MERCURY You show wit, and I see you think to play the man of importance for my edification. I feel inclined to make your acquaintance by slapping your face.
SOSIE Mine?
MERCURY Yours; and there you get it, sharp. (Mercury gives him a slap.)
SOSIE Ah! Ah! This is a fine game!
MERCURY No; it is only a laughing matter, a reply to your quips.
SOSIE Good heavens! Friend, how you swing out your arm without any one saying anything to you.
MERCURY These are my lightest clouts, little ordinary smacks.
SOSIE If I were as hasty as you, we should have a fine ado.
MERCURY All this is nothing as yet: it is merely to fill up time; we shall soon see something else; but let us continue our conversation.
SOSIE I give up the game. (He turns to go away.)
MERCURY Where are you going?
SOSIE What does it matter to you?
MERCURY I want to know where you are going.
SOSIE I am going to open that door. Why do you detain me?
MERCURY If you dare to go near it, I shall rain down a storm of blows on you.
SOSIE What? You wish to hinder me from entering our own house by threats?
MERCURY What do you say, your house?
SOSIE Yes, our house.
MERCURY O, the scoundrel! You speak of that house?
SOSIE Certainly. Is not Amphitryon the master of it?
MERCURY Well! What does that prove?
SOSIE I am his valet.
MERCURY You?
SOSIE I.
MERCURY His valet?
SOSIE Unquestionably.
MERCURY Valet of Amphitryon?
SOSIE Of Amphitryon himself.
MERCURY Your name is?
SOSIE Sosie.
MERCURY Eh? What?
SOSIE Sosie.
MERCURY Listen: do you realise that my fist can knock you spinning?
SOSIE Why? What fury has seized you now?
MERCURY Tell me, who made you so rash as to take the name of Sosie?
SOSIE I do not take it; I have always borne it.
MERCURY O what a monstrous lie! What confounded impudence! You dare to maintain that Sosie is your name?
SOSIE Certainly; I maintain it, for the good reason that the Gods have so ordered it by their supreme power. It is not in my power to say no, and to be any one else than myself.
(Mercury beats him.) MERCURY. A thousand stripes ought to be the reward of such audacity.
SOSIE Justice, citizens! Help! I beseech you.
MERCURY So, you gallows-bird, you yell out?
SOSIE You beat me down with a thousand blows, and yet do not wish me to cry out?
MERCURY It is thus that my arm . . .
SOSIE The action is unworthy. You gloat over the advantage which my want of courage gives you over me; that is not fair treatment. It is mere bullying to wish to profit by the poltroonery of those whom one makes to feel the weight of one's arm. To thrash a man who does not retaliate is not the act of a generous soul; and to show courage against men who have none merits condemnation.
MERCURY Well! Are you still Sosie? What say you?
SOSIE Your blows have not made any metamorphosis in me; all the change there is is that in the matter I am Sosie thrashed.
MERCURY Still? A hundred fresh blows for this fresh impudence.
SOSIE Have mercy, a truce to your blows.
MERCURY Then a truce to your insolence.
SOSIE Anything that pleases you; I will keep silence. The dispute between us is too unequal.
MERCURY Are you still Sosie? Say, villain!
SOSIE Alas! I am what you wish; dispose of my lot exactly as you please: your arm 'has made you the master of it.
MERCURY I think you said your name was Sosie?
SOSIE True, until now I thought the matter was clear; but your rod has made me see that I was mistaken in this affair.
MERCURY I am Sosie: all Thebes avows it. Amphitryon has never had other than me.
SOSIE You, Sosie?
MERCURY Yes, Sosie; and if any one trifles with me, he must take care of himself.
SOSIE Heavens! Must I thus renounce myself, and see my name stolen by an impostor. How lucky I am a poltroon! Or, by the death . . .!
MERCURY What are you mumbling between your teeth?
SOSIE Nothing. But, in the name of the Gods, give me leave to speak one moment with you.
MERCURY Speak.
SOSIE But promise me, I beseech you, that there shall not be any more strokes. Let us sign a truce.
MERCURY Let that pass; go on, I grant you this point.
SOSIE Tell me, who put this fancy into your head? What benefit will it be to you to take my name? In short, were you a demon, could you hinder me from being myself, from being Sosie?
MERCURY What is this, you dare . . .
SOSIE Ah! Gently: there is a truce to blows.
MERCURY What! Gallows-bird, impostor, scoundrel ...
SOSIE As for abuse, give me as much as you please; it makes but a slight wound and does not bother me.
MERCURY You say you are Sosie?
SOSIE Yes. Some ridiculous tale . . .
MERCURY So, I shall break our truce, and take back my word.
SOSIE I can't help it. I cannot annihilate myself for you, and endure so improbable a tale. Is it in your power to be what I am? Can I cease to be myself? Did any one ever hear of such a thing? And can you give the lie to a hundred clear indications? Do I dream? Do I sleep? Is my mind troubled by powerful transports? Do I not feel I am awake? Am I not in my right senses? Has not my master, Amphitryon, commanded me to come here to Alcmene his wife? Am I not, in commending his passion to her, to give her an account of his deeds against our enemies? Have I not just come from the harbour? Do I not hold a lantern in my hand? Have I not found you in front of our house? Did I not speak to you in a perfectly friendly manner? Do you not make use of my poltroonery to hinder me from entering our house? Have you not vented your rage upon my back? Have you not showered blows on me? Ah! All this is but too true: would to Heaven it were less real! Cease therefore to jeer at a wretch's lot, and leave me to acquit myself where my duty calls me.
MERCURY Stop, or the shortest step brings down upon your back clattering evidence of my just anger. All you have just said is mine, except the blows. It is I, whom Amphitryon sent to Alcmene; who has just arrived from the Persian port; I, who have come to announce the valour of his arm, which has gained us a glorious victory, and slain the chief of our enemies. In short, I am undoubtedly Sosie, son of Dave, an honest shepherd; brother of Arpage, who died in a foreign land; husband of Cleanthis the prude, whose temper drives me wild; I, who received a thousand cuts from a whip at Thebes, without ever saying anything about it; and who was once publicly branded on the back for being too worthy a man.
SOSIE He is right. If he were not Sosie, he could not know all he says; all this is so astounding that even I begin to believe him a little. In fact, now I look at him, I see he has my figure, looks, and manners. I wilt ask him some question, in order to clear up this mystery. What did Amphitryon obtain as his share of all the plunder taken from our enemies?
MERCURY Five fine large diamonds, beautifully set in a cluster, which their chief wore as a rare piece of handicraft.
SOSIE For whom does he intend so rich a present?
MERCURY For his wife; he intends her to wear it.
SOSIE Where have you put it, until you meet her?
MERCURY In a casket sealed with the arms of my master.
SOSIE He does not tell a single lie at any turn: I begin to doubt myself in earnest. He has already cowed me into believing him to be Sosie; and he might even reason me into thinking him so. Yet, when I touch myself, and recollect, it seems to me I am myself. Where can I find some light that will clearly make my way plain? What I have done alone, and what no one has seen, cannot be known to any one else: that, at least, belongs to me. I will astonish him by this question: it will confound him, and we shall see. When they were at close quarters, what were you doing in our tents, whither you ran to hide yourself away?
MERCURY Off a ham
SOSIE That is it!
MERCURY Which I unearthed, I soon cut two succulent slices: they suited me nicely. I added to them a wine which was usually kept dark, and, gloated over the sight of it before I tasted it. So I took heart for our fighters.
SOSIE This unparalleled proof ends matters well in his favour; and, unless he were in the bottle, there is nothing to be said. From the proofs you show me, I cannot deny that you are Sosie: I admit it. But, if you are he, tell me whom you wish me to be; for I must be someone.
MERCURY When I shall no longer be Sosie, you may be he, I consent to that; but I promise you it shall be the death of you if you take up such a fancy while I am he.
SOSIE All this confusion turns me inside out, for reason is against what I see. But I must end this by some means; and the shortest way for me is to go in there.
MERCURY Oh! You gallows-bird, you want to taste the stick.
SOSIE What is the matter? Great Gods! He makes the blows ring again; my back will ache for a month. I will leave this devil of a fellow, and return to the harbour. O just Heavens, what a fine ambassador I have been!
MERCURY At last, I have made him fly; this treatment has paid him out for many of his deeds. But here is Jupiter, gallantly escorting his lover Alcmene.