[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA.] SIR TOBY What a plague means my niece, to take the death of her
brother thus? I am sure care's an enemy to life.
MARIA By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o' nights;
your cousin, my lady, takes great exceptions to your ill hours.
SIR TOBY Why, let her except, before excepted.
MARIA Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest limits
of order.
SIR TOBY Confine? I'll confine myself no finer than I am: these
clothes are good enough to drink in, and so be these boots too;
an they be not, let them hang themselves in their own straps.
MARIA That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard my lady
talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish knight that you brought in
one night here to be her wooer.
SIR TOBY Who? Sir Andrew Ague-cheek?
MARIA Ay, he.
SIR TOBY He's as tall a man as any's in Illyria.
MARIA What's that to the purpose?
SIR TOBY Why, he has three thousand ducats a year.
MARIA Ay, but he'll have but a year in all these ducats; he's a
very fool, and a prodigal.
SIR TOBY Fye that you'll say so! he plays o' the viol-de-gambo,
and speaks three or four languages word for word without book,
and hath all the good gifts of nature.
MARIA He hath indeed,--almost natural: for, besides that he's a
fool, he's a great quarreller; and, but that he hath the gift of
a coward to allay the gust he hath in quarrelling, 'tis thought
among the prudent he would quickly have the gift of a grave.
SIR TOBY By this hand, they are scoundrels and subtractors that
say so of him. Who are they?
MARIA They that add, moreover, he's drunk nightly in your company.
SIR TOBY With drinking healths to my niece; I'll drink to her as
long as there is a passage in my throat and drink in Illyria.
He's a coward and a coystril that will not drink to my niece
till his brains turn o' the toe like a parish-top. What, wench!
Castiliano-vulgo! for here comes Sir Andrew Ague-face.
[Enter SIR ANDREW AGUE-CHEEK.] AGUE-CHEEK Sir Toby Belch! how now, Sir Toby Belch!
SIR TOBY Sweet Sir Andrew?
SIR ANDREW Bless you, fair shrew.
MARIA And you too, sir.
SIR TOBY Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.
SIR ANDREW What's that?
SIR TOBY My niece's chamber-maid.
SIR ANDREW Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.
MARIA My name is Mary, sir.
SIR ANDREW Good Mistress Mary Accost,--
SIR TOBY You mistake, knight: accost is, front her, board her,
woo her, assail her.
SIR ANDREW By my troth, I would not undertake her in this company.
Is that the meaning of accost?
MARIA Fare you well, gentlemen.
SIR TOBY An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst never
draw sword again.
SIR ANDREW An you part so, mistress, I would I might never draw
sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have fools in hand?
MARIA Sir, I have not you by the hand.
SIR ANDREW Marry, but you shall have; and here's my hand.
MARIA Now, sir, thought is free. I pray you, bring your hand to
the buttery-bar and let it drink.
SIR ANDREW Wherefore, sweetheart? what's your metaphor?
MARIA It's dry, sir.
SIR ANDREW Why, I think so; I am not such an ass but I can keep my
hand dry. But what's your jest?
MARIA A dry jest, sir.
SIR ANDREW Are you full of them?
MARIA Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers' ends: marry, now I let
go your hand I am barren.
[Exit MARIA.] SIR TOBY O knight, thou lack'st a cup of canary: When did I see
thee so put down?
SIR ANDREW Never in your life, I think; unless you see canary put
me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit than a Christian
or an ordinary man has; but I am great eater of beef, and, I
believe, that does harm to my wit.
SIR TOBY No question.
SIR ANDREW An I thought that, I'd forswear it. I'll ride home
to-morrow, Sir Toby.
SIR TOBY Pourquoy, my dear knight?
SIR ANDREW What is pourquoy? do or not do? I would I had bestowed
that time in the tongues that I have in fencing, dancing, and
bear-baiting. Oh, had I but followed the arts!
SIR TOBY Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.
SIR ANDREW Why, would that have mended my hair?
SIR TOBY Past question; for thou seest it will not curl by nature.
SIR ANDREW But it becomes me well enough, does't not?
SIR TOBY Excellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I hope to
see a houswife take thee between her legs and spin it off.
SIR ANDREW Faith, I'll home to-morrow, Sir Toby; your niece will
not be seen; or, if she be, it's four to one she'll none of me;
the count himself here hard by woos her.
SIR TOBY She'll none o' the Count; she'll not match above her
degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit; I have heard her
swear't. Tut, there's life in't, man.
SIR ANDREW I'll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o' the strangest
mind i' the world; I delight in masques and revels sometimes
altogether.
SIR TOBY Art thou good at these kick-shaws, knight?
SIR ANDREW As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the
degree of my betters; and yet I will not compare with an old man.
SIR TOBY What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?
SIR ANDREW Faith, I can cut a caper.
SIR TOBY And I can cut the mutton to't.
SIR ANDREW And, I think, I have the back-trick simply as strong as
any man in Illyria.
SIR TOBY Wherefore are these things hid? wherefore have these
gifts a curtain before them? are they like to take dust, like
Mistress Mall's picture? why dost thou not go to church in a
galliard and come home in a coranto? My very walk should be a
jig; I would not so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What
dost thou mean? is it a world to hide virtues in? I did think, by
the excellent constitution of thy leg, it was formed under the
star of a galliard.
SIR ANDREW Ay, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in
flame-colour'd stock. Shall we set about some revels?
SIR TOBY What shall we do else? were we not born under Taurus?
SIR ANDREW Taurus? that's sides and heart.
SIR TOBY No, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see thee caper: ha,
higher: ha, ha!--excellent!
[Exeunt.]