_ FIFTH PART. I BECOME A MOTHER
EIGHTY-SEVENTH CHAPTER
It was Saturday, the seventh of June. The summer had been a cold one thus far; the night was chill and heavy rain was beating against the window-pane.
There was a warm fire in my room for the first time for several months; the single gas jet on the window side of the mantelpiece had been turned low, and the nurse, in list slippers, was taking my little flannel and linen garments out of the chest of drawers and laying them on the flat steel fender.
I think I must have had intervals of insensibility, for the moments of consciousness came and went with me, like the diving and rising of a sea-bird in the midst of swelling waves.
At one such moment I became aware that the doctor and my Welsh landlady, as well as my nurse, were in the room, and that they were waiting for the crisis and fearing for my life.
I heard them talking in low voices which made a drumming noise in my ears, like that which the sea makes when it is rolling into a cave.
"She's let herself down so low, pore thing, that I don't know in the world what's to happen to her."
"As God is my witness, look you, I never saw anybody live on so little."
"I'm not afraid of the mother. I'm more afraid of the child, if you ask me."
Then the drumming noise would die out, and I would only hear something within myself saying:
"Oh God, oh God, that my child may be born dead."
At another moment I heard, above the rattle of the rain, the creaking of the mangle in the cellar-kitchen on the other side of the street.
At still another moment I heard the sound of quarrelling in the house opposite. A woman was screaming, children were shrieking, and a man was swearing in a thick hoarse voice.
I knew what had happened--it was midnight, the "public-houses had turned out," and Mr. Wagstaffe had came home drunk.
The night passed heavily. I heard myself (as I had done before) calling on Martin in a voice of wild entreaty:
"Martin! Martin!"
Then remembering that he was gone I began again to pray. I heard myself praying to the Blessed Virgin:
"Oh, Mother of my God, let my child . . ."
But a voice which seemed to come from far away interrupted me.
"Hush, bach, hush! It will make it harder for thee."
At length peace came. It seemed to me that I was running out of a tempestuous sea, with its unlimited loneliness and cruel depth, into a quiet harbour.
There was a heavenly calm, in which I could hear the doctor and the nurse and my Welsh landlady talking together in cheerful whispers.
I knew that everything was over, and with the memory of the storm I had passed through still in my heart and brain. I said:
"Is it dead?"
"Dead?" cried the nurse in a voice several octaves higher than usual. "Dear heart no, but alive and well. A beautiful little girl!"
"Yes, your baby is all right, ma'am," said the doctor, and then my Welsh landlady cried:
"Why did'st think it would be dead, bach? As I am a Christian woman thee'st got the beautifullest baby that ever breathed."
I could bear no more. The dark thoughts of the days before were over me still, and with a groan I turned to the wall. Then everything was wiped out as by an angel's wing, and I fell into a deep sleep.
When I awoke my dark thoughts were vanishing away like a bad dream in the morning. The rain had ceased, the gas had been put out, and I could see by the glow on the peonies of the wall-paper that the sun was shining with a soft red light through the holland blinds of my windows.
I heard the sparrows chirping on the sills outside; I heard the milkman rattling his cans; I heard the bells of a neighbouring church ringing for early communion.
I closed my eyes and held my breath and listened to the sounds in my own room. I heard the kettle singing over the fire; I heard somebody humming softly, and beating a foot on the floor in time to the tune and then I heard a low voice (it was Emmerjane's) saying from somewhere near my bed:
"I dunno but what she's awake. Her breathing ain't a-goin' now."
Then I turned and saw the nurse sitting before the fire with something on her lap. I knew what it was. It was my child, and it was asleep. In spite of my dark thoughts my heart yearned for it.
And then came the great miracle.
My child awoke and began to cry. It was a faint cry, oh! so thin and weak, but it went thundering and thundering through me. There was a moment of awful struggle, and then a mighty torrent of love swept over me.
It was Motherhood.
My child! Mine! Flesh of my flesh! Oh God! Oh God!
All my desire for my baby's death to save it from the pains of life was gone, and my heart, starved so long, throbbed with tenderness. I raised myself in bed, in spite of my nurse's protest, and cried to her to give me my baby.
"Give her to me. Give her to me."
"By-and-by, by-and-by," said the nurse.
"Now, now! I can wait no longer."
"But you must take some food first. Emmerjane, give her that glass of milk and water."
I drank the milk just to satisfy them, and then held out my arms for my child.
"Give her to me--quick, quick!"
"Here she is then, the jewel!"
Oh! the joy of that moment when I first took my baby in my arms, and looked into her face, and saw my own features and the sea-blue eyes of Martin! Oh the rapture of my first eager kiss!
I suppose I must have been rough with my little cherub in the fervour of my love, for she began to cry again.
"There! there!" said the nurse. "Be good now, or I must take baby away."
But heaven had taught me another lesson, and instantly, instinctively, I put my baby to my breast. Instantly and instinctively, too, my baby turned to it with its little mouth open and its little fingers feeling for the place.
"Oh God! My God! Oh Mother of my God!"
And then in that happiness that is beyond all earthly bliss--the happiness of a mother when she first clasps her baby to her breast--I began to cry.
I had not cried for months--not since that night in Ellan which I did not wish to remember any more--but now my tears gushed out and ran down my face like rain.
I cried on Martin once more--I could not help it. And looking down at the closed eyes of my child my soul gushed out in gratitude to God, who had sent me this for all I had suffered.
"Hush, hush! You will do yourself a mischief and it will be bad for the milk," said the nurse.
After that I tried to control myself. But I found a fierce and feverish delight in suckling my child. It seemed as if every drop my baby drew gave me a spiritual as well as a physical joy--cooling my blood and my brain and wiping out all my troubles.
Oh mystery of mysteries! Oh miracle of miracles!
My baby was at my breast and my sufferings were at an end. _