_ The afternoon was very hot, so hot that the breaking of the waves on
the shore sounded like the repeated sigh of some exhausted creature,
and even on the terrace under an awning the bricks were hot,
and the air danced perpetually over the short dry grass.
The red flowers in the stone basins were drooping with the heat,
and the white blossoms which had been so smooth and thick only a few
weeks ago were now dry, and their edges were curled and yellow.
Only the stiff and hostile plants of the south, whose fleshy leaves
seemed to be grown upon spines, still remained standing upright
and defied the sun to beat them down. It was too hot to talk,
and it was not easy to find any book that would withstand the power
of the sun. Many books had been tried and then let fall, and now
Terence was reading Milton aloud, because he said the words of Milton
had substance and shape, so that it was not necessary to understand
what he was saying; one could merely listen to his words; one could
almost handle them.
There is a gentle nymph not far from hence,
he read,
That with moist curb sways the smooth Severn stream.
Sabrina is her name, a virgin pure;
Whilom she was the daughter of Locrine,
That had the sceptre from his father Brute.
The words, in spite of what Terence had said, seemed to be laden
with meaning, and perhaps it was for this reason that it was painful
to listen to them; they sounded strange; they meant different things
from what they usually meant. Rachel at any rate could not keep
her attention fixed upon them, but went off upon curious trains of
thought suggested by words such as "curb" and "Locrine" and "Brute,"
which brought unpleasant sights before her eyes, independently of
their meaning. Owing to the heat and the dancing air the garden
too looked strange--the trees were either too near or too far,
and her head almost certainly ached. She was not quite certain,
and therefore she did not know, whether to tell Terence now,
or to let him go on reading. She decided that she would wait until
he came to the end of a stanza, and if by that time she had turned
her head this way and that, and it ached in every position undoubtedly,
she would say very calmly that her head ached.
Sabrina fair,
Listen where thou art sitting
Under the glassy, cool, translucent wave,
In twisted braids of lilies knitting
The loose train of thy amber dropping hair,
Listen for dear honour's sake,
Goddess of the silver lake,
Listen and save!
But her head ached; it ached whichever way she turned it.
She sat up and said as she had determined, "My head aches so that
I shall go indoors." He was half-way through the next verse,
but he dropped the book instantly.
"Your head aches?" he repeated.
For a few moments they sat looking at one another in silence,
holding each other's hands. During this time his sense of dismay
and catastrophe were almost physically painful; all round him he
seemed to hear the shiver of broken glass which, as it fell to earth,
left him sitting in the open air. But at the end of two minutes,
noticing that she was not sharing his dismay, but was only rather
more languid and heavy-eyed than usual, he recovered, fetched Helen,
and asked her to tell him what they had better do, for Rachel had
a headache.
Mrs. Ambrose was not discomposed, but advised that she should go
to bed, and added that she must expect her head to ache if she sat up
to all hours and went out in the heat, but a few hours in bed would
cure it completely. Terence was unreasonably reassured by her words,
as he had been unreasonably depressed the moment before. Helen's sense
seemed to have much in common with the ruthless good sense of nature,
which avenged rashness by a headache, and, like nature's good sense,
might be depended upon.
Rachel went to bed; she lay in the dark, it seemed to her,
for a very long time, but at length, waking from a transparent
kind of sleep, she saw the windows white in front of her,
and recollected that some time before she had gone to bed with
a headache, and that Helen had said it would be gone when she woke.
She supposed, therefore, that she was now quite well again.
At the same time the wall of her room was painfully white,
and curved slightly, instead of being straight and flat. Turning her
eyes to the window, she was not reassured by what she saw there.
The movement of the blind as it filled with air and blew slowly out,
drawing the cord with a little trailing sound along the floor, seemed to
her terrifying, as if it were the movement of an animal in the room.
She shut her eyes, and the pulse in her head beat so strongly
that each thump seemed to tread upon a nerve, piercing her forehead
with a little stab of pain. It might not be the same headache,
but she certainly had a headache. She turned from side to side,
in the hope that the coolness of the sheets would cure her, and that
when she next opened her eyes to look the room would be as usual.
After a considerable number of vain experiments, she resolved to put
the matter beyond a doubt. She got out of bed and stood upright,
holding on to the brass ball at the end of the bedstead.
Ice-cold at first, it soon became as hot as the palm of her hand,
and as the pains in her head and body and the instability of the floor
proved that it would be far more intolerable to stand and walk
than to lie in bed, she got into bed again; but though the change
was refreshing at first, the discomfort of bed was soon as great
as the discomfort of standing up. She accepted the idea that she
would have to stay in bed all day long, and as she laid her head
on the pillow, relinquished the happiness of the day.
When Helen came in an hour or two later, suddenly stopped her
cheerful words, looked startled for a second and then unnaturally calm,
the fact that she was ill was put beyond a doubt. It was confirmed
when the whole household knew of it, when the song that some
one was singing in the garden stopped suddenly, and when Maria,
as she brought water, slipped past the bed with averted eyes.
There was all the morning to get through, and then all the afternoon,
and at intervals she made an effort to cross over into the ordinary world,
but she found that her heat and discomfort had put a gulf between
her world and the ordinary world which she could not bridge.
At one point the door opened, and Helen came in with a little
dark man who had--it was the chief thing she noticed about him--
very hairy hands. She was drowsy and intolerably hot, and as he
seemed shy and obsequious she scarcely troubled to answer him,
although she understood that he was a doctor. At another point
the door opened and Terence came in very gently, smiling too steadily,
as she realised, for it to be natural. He sat down and talked to her,
stroking her hands until it became irksome to her to lie any more
in the same position and she turned round, and when she looked up
again Helen was beside her and Terence had gone. It did not matter;
she would see him to-morrow when things would be ordinary again.
Her chief occupation during the day was to try to remember how the
lines went:
Under the glassy, cool, translucent wave,
In twisted braids of lilies knitting
The loose train of thy amber dropping hair;
and the effort worried her because the adjectives persisted
in getting into the wrong places.
The second day did not differ very much from the first day,
except that her bed had become very important, and the world outside,
when she tried to think of it, appeared distinctly further off.
The glassy, cool, translucent wave was almost visible before her,
curling up at the end of the bed, and as it was refreshingly cool
she tried to keep her mind fixed upon it. Helen was here, and Helen
was there all day long; sometimes she said that it was lunchtime,
and sometimes that it was teatime; but by the next day all landmarks
were obliterated, and the outer world was so far away that the
different sounds, such as the sounds of people moving overhead,
could only be ascribed to their cause by a great effort of memory.
The recollection of what she had felt, or of what she had been
doing and thinking three days before, had faded entirely.
On the other hand, every object in the room, and the bed itself,
and her own body with its various limbs and their different sensations
were more and more important each day. She was completely cut off,
and unable to communicate with the rest of the world, isolated alone
with her body.
Hours and hours would pass thus, without getting any further through
the morning, or again a few minutes would lead from broad daylight to
the depths of the night. One evening when the room appeared very dim,
either because it was evening or because the blinds were drawn,
Helen said to her, "Some one is going to sit here to-night. You
won't mind?"
Opening her eyes, Rachel saw not only Helen but a nurse in spectacles,
whose face vaguely recalled something that she had once seen.
She had seen her in the chapel. "Nurse McInnis," said Helen,
and the nurse smiled steadily as they all did, and said that she
did not find many people who were frightened of her. After waiting
for a moment they both disappeared, and having turned on her pillow
Rachel woke to find herself in the midst of one of those interminable
nights which do not end at twelve, but go on into the double figures--
thirteen, fourteen, and so on until they reach the twenties,
and then the thirties, and then the forties. She realised that
there is nothing to prevent nights from doing this if they choose.
At a great distance an elderly woman sat with her head bent down;
Rachel raised herself slightly and saw with dismay that she was playing
cards by the light of a candle which stood in the hollow of a newspaper.
The sight had something inexplicably sinister about it, and she
was terrified and cried out, upon which the woman laid down her
cards and came across the room, shading the candle with her hands.
Coming nearer and nearer across the great space of the room,
she stood at last above Rachel's head and said, "Not asleep?
Let me make you comfortable."
She put down the candle and began to arrange the bedclothes.
It struck Rachel that a woman who sat playing cards in a cavern all
night long would have very cold hands, and she shrunk from the touch
of them.
"Why, there's a toe all the way down there!" the woman said,
proceeding to tuck in the bedclothes. Rachel did not realise
that the toe was hers.
"You must try and lie still," she proceeded, "because if you lie still
you will be less hot, and if you toss about you will make yourself
more hot, and we don't want you to be any hotter than you are."
She stood looking down upon Rachel for an enormous length of time.
"And the quieter you lie the sooner you will be well," she repeated.
Rachel kept her eyes fixed upon the peaked shadow on the ceiling,
and all her energy was concentrated upon the desire that this shadow
should move. But the shadow and the woman seemed to be eternally fixed
above her. She shut her eyes. When she opened them again several
more hours had passed, but the night still lasted interminably.
The woman was still playing cards, only she sat now in a tunnel
under a river, and the light stood in a little archway in the wall
above her. She cried "Terence!" and the peaked shadow again moved
across the ceiling, as the woman with an enormous slow movement rose,
and they both stood still above her.
"It's just as difficult to keep you in bed as it was to keep
Mr. Forrest in bed," the woman said, "and he was such a tall gentleman."
In order to get rid of this terrible stationary sight Rachel again
shut her eyes, and found herself walking through a tunnel under
the Thames, where there were little deformed women sitting in archways
playing cards, while the bricks of which the wall was made oozed
with damp, which collected into drops and slid down the wall.
But the little old women became Helen and Nurse McInnis after a time,
standing in the window together whispering, whispering incessantly.
Meanwhile outside her room the sounds, the movements, and the lives of
the other people in the house went on in the ordinary light of the sun,
throughout the usual succession of hours. When, on the first day
of her illness, it became clear that she would not be absolutely well,
for her temperature was very high, until Friday, that day
being Tuesday, Terence was filled with resentment, not against her,
but against the force outside them which was separating them.
He counted up the number of days that would almost certainly be
spoilt for them. He realised, with an odd mixture of pleasure
and annoyance, that, for the first time in his life, he was so
dependent upon another person that his happiness was in her keeping.
The days were completely wasted upon trifling, immaterial things,
for after three weeks of such intimacy and intensity all the usual
occupations were unbearably flat and beside the point. The least
intolerable occupation was to talk to St. John about Rachel's illness,
and to discuss every symptom and its meaning, and, when this subject
was exhausted, to discuss illness of all kinds, and what caused them,
and what cured them.
Twice every day he went in to sit with Rachel, and twice
every day the same thing happened. On going into her room,
which was not very dark, where the music was lying about as usual,
and her books and letters, his spirits rose instantly. When he
saw her he felt completely reassured. She did not look very ill.
Sitting by her side he would tell her what he had been doing,
using his natural voice to speak to her, only a few tones lower
down than usual; but by the time he had sat there for five minutes
he was plunged into the deepest gloom. She was not the same;
he could not bring them back to their old relationship; but although
he knew that it was foolish he could not prevent himself from
endeavouring to bring her back, to make her remember, and when this
failed he was in despair. He always concluded as he left her room
that it was worse to see her than not to see her, but by degrees,
as the day wore on, the desire to see her returned and became almost
too great to be borne.
On Thursday morning when Terence went into her room he felt the usual
increase of confidence. She turned round and made an effort to remember
certain facts from the world that was so many millions of miles away.
"You have come up from the hotel?" she asked.
"No; I'm staying here for the present," he said. "We've just
had luncheon," he continued, "and the mail has come in.
There's a bundle of letters for you--letters from England."
Instead of saying, as he meant her to say, that she wished to see them,
she said nothing for some time.
"You see, there they go, rolling off the edge of the hill,"
she said suddenly.
"Rolling, Rachel? What do you see rolling? There's nothing rolling."
"The old woman with the knife," she replied, not speaking to Terence
in particular, and looking past him. As she appeared to be looking
at a vase on the shelf opposite, he rose and took it down.
"Now they can't roll any more," he said cheerfully. Nevertheless she
lay gazing at the same spot, and paid him no further attention
although he spoke to her. He became so profoundly wretched that he
could not endure to sit with her, but wandered about until he
found St. John, who was reading _The_ _Times_ in the verandah.
He laid it aside patiently, and heard all that Terence had to say
about delirium. He was very patient with Terence. He treated him
like a child.
By Friday it could not be denied that the illness was no longer
an attack that would pass off in a day or two; it was a real illness
that required a good deal of organisation, and engrossed the attention
of at least five people, but there was no reason to be anxious.
Instead of lasting five days it was going to last ten days.
Rodriguez was understood to say that there were well-known varieties
of this illness. Rodriguez appeared to think that they were treating
the illness with undue anxiety. His visits were always marked
by the same show of confidence, and in his interviews with Terence
he always waved aside his anxious and minute questions with a kind
of flourish which seemed to indicate that they were all taking it
much too seriously. He seemed curiously unwilling to sit down.
"A high temperature," he said, looking furtively about the room,
and appearing to be more interested in the furniture and in Helen's
embroidery than in anything else. "In this climate you must
expect a high temperature. You need not be alarmed by that.
It is the pulse we go by" (he tapped his own hairy wrist), "and
the pulse continues excellent."
Thereupon he bowed and slipped out. The interview was conducted
laboriously upon both sides in French, and this, together with the fact
that he was optimistic, and that Terence respected the medical
profession from hearsay, made him less critical than he would
have been had he encountered the doctor in any other capacity.
Unconsciously he took Rodriguez' side against Helen, who seemed
to have taken an unreasonable prejudice against him.
When Saturday came it was evident that the hours of the day must
be more strictly organised than they had been. St. John offered
his services; he said that he had nothing to do, and that he might
as well spend the day at the villa if he could be of use. As if they
were starting on a difficult expedition together, they parcelled out
their duties between them, writing out an elaborate scheme of hours
upon a large sheet of paper which was pinned to the drawing-room door.
Their distance from the town, and the difficulty of procuring
rare things with unknown names from the most unexpected places,
made it necessary to think very carefully, and they found it
unexpectedly difficult to do the simple but practical things that
were required of them, as if they, being very tall, were asked
to stoop down and arrange minute grains of sand in a pattern on the ground.
It was St. John's duty to fetch what was needed from the town,
so that Terence would sit all through the long hot hours alone in the
drawing-room, near the open door, listening for any movement upstairs,
or call from Helen. He always forgot to pull down the blinds,
so that he sat in bright sunshine, which worried him without his
knowing what was the cause of it. The room was terribly stiff
and uncomfortable. There were hats in the chairs, and medicine bottles
among the books. He tried to read, but good books were too good,
and bad books were too bad, and the only thing he could tolerate
was the newspaper, which with its news of London, and the movements
of real people who were giving dinner-parties and making speeches,
seemed to give a little background of reality to what was otherwise
mere nightmare. Then, just as his attention was fixed on the print,
a soft call would come from Helen, or Mrs. Chailey would bring
in something which was wanted upstairs, and he would run up
very quietly in his socks, and put the jug on the little table
which stood crowded with jugs and cups outside the bedroom door;
or if he could catch Helen for a moment he would ask, "How is she?"
"Rather restless. . . . On the whole, quieter, I think."
The answer would be one or the other.
As usual she seemed to reserve something which she did not say,
and Terence was conscious that they disagreed, and, without saying
it aloud, were arguing against each other. But she was too hurried
and pre-occupied to talk.
The strain of listening and the effort of making practical arrangements
and seeing that things worked smoothly, absorbed all Terence's power.
Involved in this long dreary nightmare, he did not attempt to think
what it amounted to. Rachel was ill; that was all; he must see that
there was medicine and milk, and that things were ready when they
were wanted. Thought had ceased; life itself had come to a standstill.
Sunday was rather worse than Saturday had been, simply because
the strain was a little greater every day, although nothing else
had changed. The separate feelings of pleasure, interest, and pain,
which combine to make up the ordinary day, were merged in one long-drawn
sensation of sordid misery and profound boredom. He had never been
so bored since he was shut up in the nursery alone as a child.
The vision of Rachel as she was now, confused and heedless,
had almost obliterated the vision of her as she had been once
long ago; he could hardly believe that they had ever been happy,
or engaged to be married, for what were feelings, what was there
to be felt? Confusion covered every sight and person, and he
seemed to see St. John, Ridley, and the stray people who came up
now and then from the hotel to enquire, through a mist; the only
people who were not hidden in this mist were Helen and Rodriguez,
because they could tell him something definite about Rachel.
Nevertheless the day followed the usual forms. At certain hours
they went into the dining-room, and when they sat round the table
they talked about indifferent things. St. John usually made it
his business to start the talk and to keep it from dying out.
"I've discovered the way to get Sancho past the white house,"
said St. John on Sunday at luncheon. "You crackle a piece of paper
in his ear, then he bolts for about a hundred yards, but he goes
on quite well after that."
"Yes, but he wants corn. You should see that he has corn."
"I don't think much of the stuff they give him; and Angelo seems
a dirty little rascal."
There was then a long silence. Ridley murmured a few lines of
poetry under his breath, and remarked, as if to conceal the fact
that he had done so, "Very hot to-day."
"Two degrees higher than it was yesterday," said St. John.
"I wonder where these nuts come from," he observed, taking a nut
out of the plate, turning it over in his fingers, and looking at
it curiously.
"London, I should think," said Terence, looking at the nut too.
"A competent man of business could make a fortune here in no time,"
St. John continued. "I suppose the heat does something funny to
people's brains. Even the English go a little queer. Anyhow they're
hopeless people to deal with. They kept me three-quarters of an hour
waiting at the chemist's this morning, for no reason whatever."
There was another long pause. Then Ridley enquired, "Rodriguez
seems satisfied?"
"Quite," said Terence with decision. "It's just got to run its course."
Whereupon Ridley heaved a deep sigh. He was genuinely sorry
for every one, but at the same time he missed Helen considerably,
and was a little aggrieved by the constant presence of the two
young men.
They moved back into the drawing-room.
"Look here, Hirst," said Terence, "there's nothing to be done
for two hours." He consulted the sheet pinned to the door.
"You go and lie down. I'll wait here. Chailey sits with Rachel
while Helen has her luncheon."
It was asking a good deal of Hirst to tell him to go without waiting
for a sight of Helen. These little glimpses of Helen were the only
respites from strain and boredom, and very often they seemed to make
up for the discomfort of the day, although she might not have anything
to tell them. However, as they were on an expedition together,
he had made up his mind to obey.
Helen was very late in coming down. She looked like a person who has
been sitting for a long time in the dark. She was pale and thinner,
and the expression of her eyes was harassed but determined.
She ate her luncheon quickly, and seemed indifferent to what she
was doing. She brushed aside Terence's enquiries, and at last,
as if he had not spoken, she looked at him with a slight frown
and said:
"We can't go on like this, Terence. Either you've got to find
another doctor, or you must tell Rodriguez to stop coming, and I'll
manage for myself. It's no use for him to say that Rachel's better;
she's not better; she's worse."
Terence suffered a terrific shock, like that which he had suffered
when Rachel said, "My head aches." He stilled it by reflecting
that Helen was overwrought, and he was upheld in this opinion
by his obstinate sense that she was opposed to him in the argument.
"Do you think she's in danger?" he asked.
"No one can go on being as ill as that day after day--" Helen replied.
She looked at him, and spoke as if she felt some indignation
with somebody.
"Very well, I'll talk to Rodriguez this afternoon," he replied.
Helen went upstairs at once.
Nothing now could assuage Terence's anxiety. He could not read,
nor could he sit still, and his sense of security was shaken, in spite
of the fact that he was determined that Helen was exaggerating,
and that Rachel was not very ill. But he wanted a third person
to confirm him in his belief.
Directly Rodriguez came down he demanded, "Well, how is she?
Do you think her worse?"
"There is no reason for anxiety, I tell you--none," Rodriguez replied
in his execrable French, smiling uneasily, and making little
movements all the time as if to get away.
Hewet stood firmly between him and the door. He was determined
to see for himself what kind of man he was. His confidence in
the man vanished as he looked at him and saw his insignificance,
his dirty appearance, his shiftiness, and his unintelligent,
hairy face. It was strange that he had never seen this before.
"You won't object, of course, if we ask you to consult another doctor?"
he continued.
At this the little man became openly incensed.
"Ah!" he cried. "You have not confidence in me? You object
to my treatment? You wish me to give up the case?"
"Not at all," Terence replied, "but in serious illness of this kind--"
Rodriguez shrugged his shoulders.
"It is not serious, I assure you. You are overanxious. The young
lady is not seriously ill, and I am a doctor. The lady of course
is frightened," he sneered. "I understand that perfectly."
"The name and address of the doctor is--?" Terence continued.
"There is no other doctor," Rodriguez replied sullenly. "Every one
has confidence in me. Look! I will show you."
He took out a packet of old letters and began turning them over
as if in search of one that would confute Terence's suspicions.
As he searched, he began to tell a story about an English lord
who had trusted him--a great English lord, whose name he had,
unfortunately, forgotten.
"There is no other doctor in the place," he concluded, still turning
over the letters.
"Never mind," said Terence shortly. "I will make enquiries for myself."
Rodriguez put the letters back in his pocket.
"Very well," he remarked. "I have no objection."
He lifted his eyebrows, shrugged his shoulders, as if to repeat
that they took the illness much too seriously and that there was
no other doctor, and slipped out, leaving behind him an impression
that he was conscious that he was distrusted, and that his malice
was aroused.
After this Terence could no longer stay downstairs. He went up,
knocked at Rachel's door, and asked Helen whether he might see
her for a few minutes. He had not seen her yesterday. She made
no objection, and went and sat at a table in the window.
Terence sat down by the bedside. Rachel's face was changed.
She looked as though she were entirely concentrated upon the effort
of keeping alive. Her lips were drawn, and her cheeks were sunken
and flushed, though without colour. Her eyes were not entirely shut,
the lower half of the white part showing, not as if she saw,
but as if they remained open because she was too much exhausted
to close them. She opened them completely when he kissed her.
But she only saw an old woman slicing a man's head off with a knife.
"There it falls!" she murmured. She then turned to Terence and
asked him anxiously some question about a man with mules, which he
could not understand. "Why doesn't he come? Why doesn't he come?"
she repeated. He was appalled to think of the dirty little man downstairs
in connection with illness like this, and turning instinctively
to Helen, but she was doing something at a table in the window,
and did not seem to realise how great the shock to him must be.
He rose to go, for he could not endure to listen any longer;
his heart beat quickly and painfully with anger and misery.
As he passed Helen she asked him in the same weary, unnatural,
but determined voice to fetch her more ice, and to have the jug
outside filled with fresh milk.
When he had done these errands he went to find Hirst. Exhausted and
very hot, St. John had fallen asleep on a bed, but Terence woke
him without scruple.
"Helen thinks she's worse," he said. "There's no doubt she's
frightfully ill. Rodriguez is useless. We must get another doctor."
"But there is no other doctor," said Hirst drowsily, sitting up
and rubbing his eyes.
"Don't be a damned fool!" Terence exclaimed. "Of course there's
another doctor, and, if there isn't, you've got to find one. It ought
to have been done days ago. I'm going down to saddle the horse."
He could not stay still in one place.
In less than ten minutes St. John was riding to the town in the
scorching heat in search of a doctor, his orders being to find
one and bring him back if he had to be fetched in a special train.
"We ought to have done it days ago," Hewet repeated angrily.
When he went back into the drawing-room he found that Mrs. Flushing
was there, standing very erect in the middle of the room,
having arrived, as people did in these days, by the kitchen
or through the garden unannounced.
"She's better?" Mrs. Flushing enquired abruptly; they did not
attempt to shake hands.
"No," said Terence. "If anything, they think she's worse."
Mrs. Flushing seemed to consider for a moment or two, looking straight
at Terence all the time.
"Let me tell you," she said, speaking in nervous jerks, "it's always
about the seventh day one begins to get anxious. I daresay you've
been sittin' here worryin' by yourself. You think she's bad,
but any one comin' with a fresh eye would see she was better.
Mr. Elliot's had fever; he's all right now," she threw out.
"It wasn't anythin' she caught on the expedition. What's it matter--
a few days' fever? My brother had fever for twenty-six days once.
And in a week or two he was up and about. We gave him nothin' but milk
and arrowroot--"
Here Mrs. Chailey came in with a message.
"I'm wanted upstairs," said Terence.
"You see--she'll be better," Mrs. Flushing jerked out as he
left the room. Her anxiety to persuade Terence was very great,
and when he left her without saying anything she felt dissatisfied
and restless; she did not like to stay, but she could not bear to go.
She wandered from room to room looking for some one to talk to,
but all the rooms were empty.
Terence went upstairs, stood inside the door to take Helen's directions,
looked over at Rachel, but did not attempt to speak to her.
She appeared vaguely conscious of his presence, but it seemed to
disturb her, and she turned, so that she lay with her back to him.
For six days indeed she had been oblivious of the world outside,
because it needed all her attention to follow the hot, red,
quick sights which passed incessantly before her eyes.
She knew that it was of enormous importance that she should attend
to these sights and grasp their meaning, but she was always being
just too late to hear or see something which would explain it all.
For this reason, the faces,--Helen's face, the nurse's, Terence's,
the doctor's,--which occasionally forced themselves very close to her,
were worrying because they distracted her attention and she might
miss the clue. However, on the fourth afternoon she was suddenly
unable to keep Helen's face distinct from the sights themselves;
her lips widened as she bent down over the bed, and she began to
gabble unintelligibly like the rest. The sights were all concerned
in some plot, some adventure, some escape. The nature of what
they were doing changed incessantly, although there was always
a reason behind it, which she must endeavour to grasp. Now they
were among trees and savages, now they were on the sea, now they
were on the tops of high towers; now they jumped; now they flew.
But just as the crisis was about to happen, something invariably slipped
in her brain, so that the whole effort had to begin over again.
The heat was suffocating. At last the faces went further away;
she fell into a deep pool of sticky water, which eventually closed
over her head. She saw nothing and heard nothing but a faint
booming sound, which was the sound of the sea rolling over her head.
While all her tormentors thought that she was dead, she was
not dead, but curled up at the bottom of the sea. There she lay,
sometimes seeing darkness, sometimes light, while every now and then
some one turned her over at the bottom of the sea.
After St. John had spent some hours in the heat of the sun wrangling
with evasive and very garrulous natives, he extracted the information
that there was a doctor, a French doctor, who was at present away
on a holiday in the hills. It was quite impossible, so they said,
to find him. With his experience of the country, St. John thought it
unlikely that a telegram would either be sent or received; but having
reduced the distance of the hill town, in which he was staying,
from a hundred miles to thirty miles, and having hired a carriage
and horses, he started at once to fetch the doctor himself.
He succeeded in finding him, and eventually forced the unwilling
man to leave his young wife and return forthwith. They reached
the villa at midday on Tuesday.
Terence came out to receive them, and St. John was struck by the fact
that he had grown perceptibly thinner in the interval; he was white too;
his eyes looked strange. But the curt speech and the sulky masterful
manner of Dr. Lesage impressed them both favourably, although at
the same time it was obvious that he was very much annoyed at the
whole affair. Coming downstairs he gave his directions emphatically,
but it never occurred to him to give an opinion either because of
the presence of Rodriguez who was now obsequious as well as malicious,
or because he took it for granted that they knew already what was to be known.
"Of course," he said with a shrug of his shoulders, when Terence
asked him, "Is she very ill?"
They were both conscious of a certain sense of relief when Dr. Lesage
was gone, leaving explicit directions, and promising another visit
in a few hours' time; but, unfortunately, the rise of their spirits
led them to talk more than usual, and in talking they quarrelled.
They quarrelled about a road, the Portsmouth Road. St. John said that
it is macadamised where it passes Hindhead, and Terence knew as well
as he knew his own name that it is not macadamised at that point.
In the course of the argument they said some very sharp things
to each other, and the rest of the dinner was eaten in silence,
save for an occasional half-stifled reflection from Ridley.
When it grew dark and the lamps were brought in, Terence felt
unable to control his irritation any longer. St. John went to bed
in a state of complete exhaustion, bidding Terence good-night
with rather more affection than usual because of their quarrel,
and Ridley retired to his books. Left alone, Terence walked up
and down the room; he stood at the open window.
The lights were coming out one after another in the town beneath,
and it was very peaceful and cool in the garden, so that he stepped
out on to the terrace. As he stood there in the darkness, able only
to see the shapes of trees through the fine grey light, he was overcome
by a desire to escape, to have done with this suffering, to forget
that Rachel was ill. He allowed himself to lapse into forgetfulness
of everything. As if a wind that had been raging incessantly suddenly
fell asleep, the fret and strain and anxiety which had been pressing
on him passed away. He seemed to stand in an unvexed space of air,
on a little island by himself; he was free and immune from pain.
It did not matter whether Rachel was well or ill; it did not matter
whether they were apart or together; nothing mattered--nothing mattered.
The waves beat on the shore far away, and the soft wind passed
through the branches of the trees, seeming to encircle him with
peace and security, with dark and nothingness. Surely the world
of strife and fret and anxiety was not the real world, but this was
the real world, the world that lay beneath the superficial world,
so that, whatever happened, one was secure. The quiet and peace
seemed to lap his body in a fine cool sheet, soothing every nerve;
his mind seemed once more to expand, and become natural.
But when he had stood thus for a time a noise in the house roused him;
he turned instinctively and went into the drawing-room. The
sight of the lamp-lit room brought back so abruptly all that he
had forgotten that he stood for a moment unable to move.
He remembered everything, the hour, the minute even, what point they
had reached, and what was to come. He cursed himself for making
believe for a minute that things were different from what they are.
The night was now harder to face than ever.
Unable to stay in the empty drawing-room, he wandered out and sat
on the stairs half-way up to Rachel's room. He longed for some
one to talk to, but Hirst was asleep, and Ridley was asleep;
there was no sound in Rachel's room. The only sound in the house
was the sound of Chailey moving in the kitchen. At last there was a
rustling on the stairs overhead, and Nurse McInnis came down fastening
the links in her cuffs, in preparation for the night's watch.
Terence rose and stopped her. He had scarcely spoken to her,
but it was possible that she might confirm him in the belief which
still persisted in his own mind that Rachel was not seriously ill.
He told her in a whisper that Dr. Lesage had been and what he
had said.
"Now, Nurse," he whispered, "please tell me your opinion. Do you
consider that she is very seriously ill? Is she in any danger?"
"The doctor has said--" she began.
"Yes, but I want your opinion. You have had experience of many
cases like this?"
"I could not tell you more than Dr. Lesage, Mr. Hewet," she replied
cautiously, as though her words might be used against her. "The case
is serious, but you may feel quite certain that we are doing all we can
for Miss Vinrace." She spoke with some professional self-approbation.
But she realised perhaps that she did not satisfy the young man,
who still blocked her way, for she shifted her feet slightly upon the
stair and looked out of the window where they could see the moon over the sea.
"If you ask me," she began in a curiously stealthy tone, "I never
like May for my patients."
"May?" Terence repeated.
"It may be a fancy, but I don't like to see anybody fall ill in May,"
she continued. "Things seem to go wrong in May. Perhaps it's the moon.
They say the moon affects the brain, don't they, Sir?"
He looked at her but he could not answer her; like all the others,
when one looked at her she seemed to shrivel beneath one's eyes
and become worthless, malicious, and untrustworthy.
She slipped past him and disappeared.
Though he went to his room he was unable even to take his clothes off.
For a long time he paced up and down, and then leaning out of
the window gazed at the earth which lay so dark against the paler
blue of the sky. With a mixture of fear and loathing he looked at
the slim black cypress trees which were still visible in the garden,
and heard the unfamiliar creaking and grating sounds which show
that the earth is still hot. All these sights and sounds appeared
sinister and full of hostility and foreboding; together with
the natives and the nurse and the doctor and the terrible force
of the illness itself they seemed to be in conspiracy against him.
They seemed to join together in their effort to extract the greatest
possible amount of suffering from him. He could not get used to
his pain, it was a revelation to him. He had never realised before
that underneath every action, underneath the life of every day,
pain lies, quiescent, but ready to devour; he seemed to be able
to see suffering, as if it were a fire, curling up over the edges
of all action, eating away the lives of men and women. He thought
for the first time with understanding of words which had before
seemed to him empty: the struggle of life; the hardness of life.
Now he knew for himself that life is hard and full of suffering.
He looked at the scattered lights in the town beneath, and thought
of Arthur and Susan, or Evelyn and Perrott venturing out unwittingly,
and by their happiness laying themselves open to suffering such
as this. How did they dare to love each other, he wondered; how had
he himself dared to live as he had lived, rapidly and carelessly,
passing from one thing to another, loving Rachel as he had loved her?
Never again would he feel secure; he would never believe in the stability
of life, or forget what depths of pain lie beneath small happiness
and feelings of content and safety. It seemed to him as he looked back
that their happiness had never been so great as his pain was now.
There had always been something imperfect in their happiness,
something they had wanted and had not been able to get. It had been
fragmentary and incomplete, because they were so young and had not
known what they were doing.
The light of his candle flickered over the boughs of a tree
outside the window, and as the branch swayed in the darkness there
came before his mind a picture of all the world that lay outside
his window; he thought of the immense river and the immense forest,
the vast stretches of dry earth and the plains of the sea that
encircled the earth; from the sea the sky rose steep and enormous,
and the air washed profoundly between the sky and the sea.
How vast and dark it must be tonight, lying exposed to the wind;
and in all this great space it was curious to think how few
the towns were, and how small little rings of light, or single
glow-worms he figured them, scattered here and there, among the
swelling uncultivated folds of the world. And in those towns
were little men and women, tiny men and women. Oh, it was absurd,
when one thought of it, to sit here in a little room suffering
and caring. What did anything matter? Rachel, a tiny creature,
lay ill beneath him, and here in his little room he suffered on
her account. The nearness of their bodies in this vast universe,
and the minuteness of their bodies, seemed to him absurd and laughable.
Nothing mattered, he repeated; they had no power, no hope.
He leant on the window-sill, thinking, until he almost forgot the time
and the place. Nevertheless, although he was convinced that it
was absurd and laughable, and that they were small and hopeless,
he never lost the sense that these thoughts somehow formed part
of a life which he and Rachel would live together.
Owing perhaps to the change of doctor, Rachel appeared to be rather
better next day. Terribly pale and worn though Helen looked,
there was a slight lifting of the cloud which had hung all these
days in her eyes.
"She talked to me," she said voluntarily. "She asked me what day
of the week it was, like herself."
Then suddenly, without any warning or any apparent reason,
the tears formed in her eyes and rolled steadily down her cheeks.
She cried with scarcely any attempt at movement of her features,
and without any attempt to stop herself, as if she did not know
that she was crying. In spite of the relief which her words
gave him, Terence was dismayed by the sight; had everything
given way? Were there no limits to the power of this illness?
Would everything go down before it? Helen had always seemed
to him strong and determined, and now she was like a child.
He took her in his arms, and she clung to him like a child,
crying softly and quietly upon his shoulder. Then she roused herself
and wiped her tears away; it was silly to behave like that, she said;
very silly, she repeated, when there could be no doubt that Rachel
was better. She asked Terence to forgive her for her folly.
She stopped at the door and came back and kissed him without
saying anything.
On this day indeed Rachel was conscious of what went on round her.
She had come to the surface of the dark, sticky pool, and a wave
seemed to bear her up and down with it; she had ceased to have
any will of her own; she lay on the top of the wave conscious
of some pain, but chiefly of weakness. The wave was replaced by
the side of a mountain. Her body became a drift of melting snow,
above which her knees rose in huge peaked mountains of bare bone.
It was true that she saw Helen and saw her room, but everything
had become very pale and semi-transparent. Sometimes she could see
through the wall in front of her. Sometimes when Helen went away
she seemed to go so far that Rachel's eyes could hardly follow her.
The room also had an odd power of expanding, and though she pushed
her voice out as far as possible until sometimes it became a bird
and flew away, she thought it doubtful whether it ever reached the
person she was talking to. There were immense intervals or chasms,
for things still had the power to appear visibly before her,
between one moment and the next; it sometimes took an hour for Helen
to raise her arm, pausing long between each jerky movement, and pour
out medicine. Helen's form stooping to raise her in bed appeared
of gigantic size, and came down upon her like the ceiling falling.
But for long spaces of time she would merely lie conscious of her body
floating on the top of the bed and her mind driven to some remote
corner of her body, or escaped and gone flitting round the room.
All sights were something of an effort, but the sight of Terence
was the greatest effort, because he forced her to join mind to body
in the desire to remember something. She did not wish to remember;
it troubled her when people tried to disturb her loneliness;
she wished to be alone. She wished for nothing else in the world.
Although she had cried, Terence observed Helen's greater hopefulness
with something like triumph; in the argument between them she had
made the first sign of admitting herself in the wrong. He waited
for Dr. Lesage to come down that afternoon with considerable anxiety,
but with the same certainty at the back of his mind that he would
in time force them all to admit that they were in the wrong.
As usual, Dr. Lesage was sulky in his manner and very short
in his answers. To Terence's demand, "She seems to be better?"
he replied, looking at him in an odd way, "She has a chance of life."
The door shut and Terence walked across to the window. He leant
his forehead against the pane.
"Rachel," he repeated to himself. "She has a chance of life. Rachel."
How could they say these things of Rachel? Had any one yesterday
seriously believed that Rachel was dying? They had been engaged
for four weeks. A fortnight ago she had been perfectly well.
What could fourteen days have done to bring her from that state to this?
To realise what they meant by saying that she had a chance of life
was beyond him, knowing as he did that they were engaged. He turned,
still enveloped in the same dreary mist, and walked towards the door.
Suddenly he saw it all. He saw the room and the garden, and the trees
moving in the air, they could go on without her; she could die.
For the first time since she fell ill he remembered exactly what
she looked like and the way in which they cared for each other.
The immense happiness of feeling her close to him mingled with a more
intense anxiety than he had felt yet. He could not let her die;
he could not live without her. But after a momentary struggle,
the curtain fell again, and he saw nothing and felt nothing clearly.
It was all going on--going on still, in the same way as before.
Save for a physical pain when his heart beat, and the fact that
his fingers were icy cold, he did not realise that he was anxious
about anything. Within his mind he seemed to feel nothing about Rachel
or about any one or anything in the world. He went on giving orders,
arranging with Mrs. Chailey, writing out lists, and every now and then
he went upstairs and put something quietly on the table outside
Rachel's door. That night Dr. Lesage seemed to be less sulky than usual.
He stayed voluntarily for a few moments, and, addressing St. John and
Terence equally, as if he did not remember which of them was engaged
to the young lady, said, "I consider that her condition to-night is
very grave."
Neither of them went to bed or suggested that the other should go to bed.
They sat in the drawing-room playing picquet with the door open.
St. John made up a bed upon the sofa, and when it was ready insisted
that Terence should lie upon it. They began to quarrel as to who should
lie on the sofa and who should lie upon a couple of chairs covered
with rugs. St. John forced Terence at last to lie down upon the sofa.
"Don't be a fool, Terence," he said. "You'll only get ill if you
don't sleep."
"Old fellow," he began, as Terence still refused, and stopped abruptly,
fearing sentimentality; he found that he was on the verge of tears.
He began to say what he had long been wanting to say, that he was
sorry for Terence, that he cared for him, that he cared for Rachel.
Did she know how much he cared for her--had she said anything,
asked perhaps? He was very anxious to say this, but he refrained,
thinking that it was a selfish question after all, and what
was the use of bothering Terence to talk about such things?
He was already half asleep. But St. John could not sleep at once.
If only, he thought to himself, as he lay in the darkness,
something would happen--if only this strain would come to an end.
He did not mind what happened, so long as the succession of these
hard and dreary days was broken; he did not mind if she died.
He felt himself disloyal in not minding it, but it seemed to him that
he had no feelings left.
All night long there was no call or movement, except the opening
and shutting of the bedroom door once. By degrees the light
returned into the untidy room. At six the servants began to move;
at seven they crept downstairs into the kitchen; and half an hour
later the day began again.
Nevertheless it was not the same as the days that had gone before,
although it would have been hard to say in what the difference consisted.
Perhaps it was that they seemed to be waiting for something.
There were certainly fewer things to be done than usual. People drifted
through the drawing-room--Mr. Flushing, Mr. and Mrs. Thornbury.
They spoke very apologetically in low tones, refusing to sit down,
but remaining for a considerable time standing up, although the only
thing they had to say was, "Is there anything we can do?" and there
was nothing they could do.
Feeling oddly detached from it all, Terence remembered how Helen had said
that whenever anything happened to you this was how people behaved.
Was she right, or was she wrong? He was too little interested
to frame an opinion of his own. He put things away in his mind,
as if one of these days he would think about them, but not now.
The mist of unreality had deepened and deepened until it had
produced a feeling of numbness all over his body. Was it his body?
Were those really his own hands?
This morning also for the first time Ridley found it impossible
to sit alone in his room. He was very uncomfortable downstairs,
and, as he did not know what was going on, constantly in the way;
but he would not leave the drawing-room. Too restless to read,
and having nothing to do, he began to pace up and down reciting poetry
in an undertone. Occupied in various ways--now in undoing parcels,
now in uncorking bottles, now in writing directions, the sound
of Ridley's song and the beat of his pacing worked into the minds
of Terence and St. John all the morning as a half comprehended refrain.
They wrestled up, they wrestled down,
They wrestled sore and still:
The fiend who blinds the eyes of men,
That night he had his will.
Like stags full spent, among the bent
They dropped awhile to rest--
"Oh, it's intolerable!" Hirst exclaimed, and then checked himself,
as if it were a breach of their agreement. Again and again Terence
would creep half-way up the stairs in case he might be able to glean
news of Rachel. But the only news now was of a very fragmentary kind;
she had drunk something; she had slept a little; she seemed quieter.
In the same way, Dr. Lesage confined himself to talking about details,
save once when he volunteered the information that he had just been
called in to ascertain, by severing a vein in the wrist, that an old
lady of eighty-five was really dead. She had a horror of being
buried alive.
"It is a horror," he remarked, "that we generally find in the very old,
and seldom in the young." They both expressed their interest in what
he told them; it seemed to them very strange. Another strange thing
about the day was that the luncheon was forgotten by all of them until
it was late in the afternoon, and then Mrs. Chailey waited on them,
and looked strange too, because she wore a stiff print dress,
and her sleeves were rolled up above her elbows. She seemed
as oblivious of her appearance, however, as if she had been called
out of her bed by a midnight alarm of fire, and she had forgotten,
too, her reserve and her composure; she talked to them quite
familiarly as if she had nursed them and held them naked on her knee.
She assured them over and over again that it was their duty to eat.
The afternoon, being thus shortened, passed more quickly than
they expected. Once Mrs. Flushing opened the door, but on seeing
them shut it again quickly; once Helen came down to fetch something,
but she stopped as she left the room to look at a letter addressed
to her. She stood for a moment turning it over, and the extraordinary
and mournful beauty of her attitude struck Terence in the way
things struck him now--as something to be put away in his mind
and to be thought about afterwards. They scarcely spoke,
the argument between them seeming to be suspended or forgotten.
Now that the afternoon sun had left the front of the house,
Ridley paced up and down the terrace repeating stanzas of a long poem,
in a subdued but suddenly sonorous voice. Fragments of the poem
were wafted in at the open window as he passed and repassed.
Peor and Baalim
Forsake their Temples dim,
With that twice batter'd God of Palestine
And mooned Astaroth--
The sound of these words were strangely discomforting to both the
young men, but they had to be borne. As the evening drew on and the red
light of the sunset glittered far away on the sea, the same sense
of desperation attacked both Terence and St. John at the thought
that the day was nearly over, and that another night was at hand.
The appearance of one light after another in the town beneath them
produced in Hirst a repetition of his terrible and disgusting desire
to break down and sob. Then the lamps were brought in by Chailey.
She explained that Maria, in opening a bottle, had been so foolish
as to cut her arm badly, but she had bound it up; it was unfortunate
when there was so much work to be done. Chailey herself limped
because of the rheumatism in her feet, but it appeared to her mere
waste of time to take any notice of the unruly flesh of servants.
The evening went on. Dr. Lesage arrived unexpectedly, and stayed
upstairs a very long time. He came down once and drank a cup
of coffee.
"She is very ill," he said in answer to Ridley's question.
All the annoyance had by this time left his manner, he was grave
and formal, but at the same time it was full of consideration,
which had not marked it before. He went upstairs again.
The three men sat together in the drawing-room. Ridley was quite
quiet now, and his attention seemed to be thoroughly awakened.
Save for little half-voluntary movements and exclamations
that were stifled at once, they waited in complete silence.
It seemed as if they were at last brought together face to face
with something definite.
It was nearly eleven o'clock when Dr. Lesage again appeared in the room.
He approached them very slowly, and did not speak at once.
He looked first at St. John and then at Terence, and said to Terence,
"Mr. Hewet, I think you should go upstairs now."
Terence rose immediately, leaving the others seated with Dr. Lesage
standing motionless between them.
Chailey was in the passage outside, repeating over and over again,
"It's wicked--it's wicked."
Terence paid her no attention; he heard what she was saying,
but it conveyed no meaning to his mind. All the way upstairs he
kept saying to himself, "This has not happened to me. It is not
possible that this has happened to me."
He looked curiously at his own hand on the banisters. The stairs were
very steep, and it seemed to take him a long time to surmount them.
Instead of feeling keenly, as he knew that he ought to feel,
he felt nothing at all. When he opened the door he saw Helen sitting
by the bedside. There were shaded lights on the table, and the room,
though it seemed to be full of a great many things, was very tidy.
There was a faint and not unpleasant smell of disinfectants.
Helen rose and gave up her chair to him in silence. As they passed
each other their eyes met in a peculiar level glance, he wondered
at the extraordinary clearness of his eyes, and at the deep calm
and sadness that dwelt in them. He sat down by the bedside,
and a moment afterwards heard the door shut gently behind her.
He was alone with Rachel, and a faint reflection of the sense of relief
that they used to feel when they were left alone possessed him.
He looked at her. He expected to find some terrible change in her,
but there was none. She looked indeed very thin, and, as far as he
could see, very tired, but she was the same as she had always been.
Moreover, she saw him and knew him. She smiled at him and said,
"Hullo, Terence."
The curtain which had been drawn between them for so long
vanished immediately.
"Well, Rachel," he replied in his usual voice, upon which she
opened her eyes quite widely and smiled with her familiar smile.
He kissed her and took her hand.
"It's been wretched without you," he said.
She still looked at him and smiled, but soon a slight look of fatigue
or perplexity came into her eyes and she shut them again.
"But when we're together we're perfectly happy," he said.
He continued to hold her hand.
The light being dim, it was impossible to see any change in her face.
An immense feeling of peace came over Terence, so that he had no
wish to move or to speak. The terrible torture and unreality
of the last days were over, and he had come out now into perfect
certainty and peace. His mind began to work naturally again
and with great ease. The longer he sat there the more profoundly
was he conscious of the peace invading every corner of his soul.
Once he held his breath and listened acutely; she was still breathing;
he went on thinking for some time; they seemed to be thinking together;
he seemed to be Rachel as well as himself; and then he listened again;
no, she had ceased to breathe. So much the better--this was death.
It was nothing; it was to cease to breathe. It was happiness,
it was perfect happiness. They had now what they had always wanted
to have, the union which had been impossible while they lived.
Unconscious whether he thought the words or spoke them aloud,
he said, "No two people have ever been so happy as we have been.
No one has ever loved as we have loved."
It seemed to him that their complete union and happiness filled
the room with rings eddying more and more widely. He had no wish
in the world left unfulfilled. They possessed what could never
be taken from them.
He was not conscious that any one had come into the room, but later,
moments later, or hours later perhaps, he felt an arm behind him.
The arms were round him. He did not want to have arms round him,
and the mysterious whispering voices annoyed him. He laid Rachel's hand,
which was now cold, upon the counterpane, and rose from his chair,
and walked across to the window. The windows were uncurtained,
and showed the moon, and a long silver pathway upon the surface of
the waves.
"Why," he said, in his ordinary tone of voice, "look at the moon.
There's a halo round the moon. We shall have rain to-morrow."
The arms, whether they were the arms of man or of woman, were round
him again; they were pushing him gently towards the door. He turned
of his own accord and walked steadily in advance of the arms,
conscious of a little amusement at the strange way in which people
behaved merely because some one was dead. He would go if they
wished it, but nothing they could do would disturb his happiness.
As he saw the passage outside the room, and the table with the cups
and the plates, it suddenly came over him that here was a world
in which he would never see Rachel again.
"Rachel! Rachel!" he shrieked, trying to rush back to her.
But they prevented him, and pushed him down the passage and into
a bedroom far from her room. Downstairs they could hear the thud
of his feet on the floor, as he struggled to break free; and twice
they heard him shout, "Rachel, Rachel!" _