_ -- III -- Part 18
Yes because he never did a thing like that before as ask to get his
breakfast in bed with a couple of eggs since the CITY ARMS hotel when he
used to be pretending to be laid up with a sick voice doing his highness
to make himself interesting for that old faggot Mrs Riordan that he
thought he had a great leg of and she never left us a farthing all for
masses for herself and her soul greatest miser ever was actually afraid
to lay out 4d for her methylated spirit telling me all her ailments she
had too much old chat in her about politics and earthquakes and the end
of the world let us have a bit of fun first God help the world if all the
women were her sort down on bathingsuits and lownecks of course nobody
wanted her to wear them I suppose she was pious because no man would look
at her twice I hope Ill never be like her a wonder she didnt want us to
cover our faces but she was a welleducated woman certainly and her gabby
talk about Mr Riordan here and Mr Riordan there I suppose he was glad to
get shut of her and her dog smelling my fur and always edging to get up
under my petticoats especially then still I like that in him polite to
old women like that and waiters and beggars too hes not proud out of
nothing but not always if ever he got anything really serious the matter
with him its much better for them to go into a hospital where everything
is clean but I suppose Id have to dring it into him for a month yes and
then wed have a hospital nurse next thing on the carpet have him staying
there till they throw him out or a nun maybe like the smutty photo he has
shes as much a nun as Im not yes because theyre so weak and puling when
theyre sick they want a woman to get well if his nose bleeds youd think
it was O tragic and that dyinglooking one off the south circular when he
sprained his foot at the choir party at the sugarloaf Mountain the day I
wore that dress Miss Stack bringing him flowers the worst old ones she
could find at the bottom of the basket anything at all to get into a mans
bedroom with her old maids voice trying to imagine he was dying on
account of her to never see thy face again though he looked more like a
man with his beard a bit grown in the bed father was the same besides I
hate bandaging and dosing when he cut his toe with the razor paring his
corns afraid hed get bloodpoisoning but if it was a thing I was sick then
wed see what attention only of course the woman hides it not to give all
the trouble they do yes he came somewhere Im sure by his appetite anyway
love its not or hed be off his feed thinking of her so either it was one
of those night women if it was down there he was really and the hotel
story he made up a pack of lies to hide it planning it Hynes kept me who
did I meet ah yes I met do you remember Menton and who else who let me
see that big babbyface I saw him and he not long married flirting with a
young girl at Pooles Myriorama and turned my back on him when he slinked
out looking quite conscious what harm but he had the impudence to make up
to me one time well done to him mouth almighty and his boiled eyes of all
the big stupoes I ever met and thats called a solicitor only for I hate
having a long wrangle in bed or else if its not that its some little
bitch or other he got in with somewhere or picked up on the sly if they
only knew him as well as I do yes because the day before yesterday he was
scribbling something a letter when I came into the front room to show him
Dignams death in the paper as if something told me and he covered it up
with the blottingpaper pretending to be thinking about business so very
probably that was it to somebody who thinks she has a softy in him
because all men get a bit like that at his age especially getting on to
forty he is now so as to wheedle any money she can out of him no fool
like an old fool and then the usual kissing my bottom was to hide it not
that I care two straws now who he does it with or knew before that way
though Id like to find out so long as I dont have the two of them under
my nose all the time like that slut that Mary we had in Ontario terrace
padding out her false bottom to excite him bad enough to get the smell of
those painted women off him once or twice I had a suspicion by getting
him to come near me when I found the long hair on his coat without that
one when I went into the kitchen pretending he was drinking water 1 woman
is not enough for them it was all his fault of course ruining servants
then proposing that she could eat at our table on Christmas day if you
please O no thank you not in my house stealing my potatoes and the
oysters 2/6 per doz going out to see her aunt if you please common
robbery so it was but I was sure he had something on with that one it
takes me to find out a thing like that he said you have no proof it was
her proof O yes her aunt was very fond of oysters but I told her what I
thought of her suggesting me to go out to be alone with her I wouldnt
lower myself to spy on them the garters I found in her room the Friday
she was out that was enough for me a little bit too much her face swelled
up on her with temper when I gave her her weeks notice I saw to that
better do without them altogether do out the rooms myself quicker only
for the damn cooking and throwing out the dirt I gave it to him anyhow
either she or me leaves the house I couldnt even touch him if I thought
he was with a dirty barefaced liar and sloven like that one denying it up
to my face and singing about the place in the W C too because she knew
she was too well off yes because he couldnt possibly do without it that
long so he must do it somewhere and the last time he came on my bottom
when was it the night Boylan gave my hand a great squeeze going along by
the Tolka in my hand there steals another I just pressed the back of his
like that with my thumb to squeeze back singing the young May moon shes
beaming love because he has an idea about him and me hes not such a fool
he said Im dining out and going to the Gaiety though Im not going to give
him the satisfaction in any case God knows hes a change in a way not to
be always and ever wearing the same old hat unless I paid some
nicelooking boy to do it since I cant do it myself a young boy would like
me Id confuse him a little alone with him if we were Id let him see my
garters the new ones and make him turn red looking at him seduce him I
know what boys feel with that down on their cheek doing that frigging
drawing out the thing by the hour question and answer would you do this
that and the other with the coalman yes with a bishop yes I would because
I told him about some dean or bishop was sitting beside me in the jews
temples gardens when I was knitting that woollen thing a stranger to
Dublin what place was it and so on about the monuments and he tired me
out with statues encouraging him making him worse than he is who is in
your mind now tell me who are you thinking of who is it tell me his name
who tell me who the german Emperor is it yes imagine Im him think of him
can you feel him trying to make a whore of me what he never will he ought
to give it up now at this age of his life simply ruination for any woman
and no satisfaction in it pretending to like it till he comes and then
finish it off myself anyway and it makes your lips pale anyhow its done
now once and for all with all the talk of the world about it people make
its only the first time after that its just the ordinary do it and think
no more about it why cant you kiss a man without going and marrying him
first you sometimes love to wildly when you feel that way so nice all
over you you cant help yourself I wish some man or other would take me
sometime when hes there and kiss me in his arms theres nothing like a
kiss long and hot down to your soul almost paralyses you then I hate that
confession when I used to go to Father Corrigan he touched me father and
what harm if he did where and I said on the canal bank like a fool but
whereabouts on your person my child on the leg behind high up was it yes
rather high up was it where you sit down yes O Lord couldnt he say bottom
right out and have done with it what has that got to do with it and did
you whatever way he put it I forget no father and I always think of the
real father what did he want to know for when I already confessed it to
God he had a nice fat hand the palm moist always I wouldnt mind feeling
it neither would he Id say by the bullneck in his horsecollar I wonder
did he know me in the box I could see his face he couldnt see mine of
course hed never turn or let on still his eyes were red when his father
died theyre lost for a woman of course must be terrible when a man cries
let alone them Id like to be embraced by one in his vestments and the
smell of incense off him like the pope besides theres no danger with a
priest if youre married hes too careful about himself then give something
to H H the pope for a penance I wonder was he satisfied with me one thing
I didnt like his slapping me behind going away so familiarly in the hall
though I laughed Im not a horse or an ass am I I suppose he was thinking
of his fathers I wonder is he awake thinking of me or dreaming am I in it
who gave him that flower he said he bought he smelt of some kind of drink
not whisky or stout or perhaps the sweety kind of paste they stick their
bills up with some liqueur Id like to sip those richlooking green and
yellow expensive drinks those stagedoor johnnies drink with the opera
hats I tasted once with my finger dipped out of that American that had
the squirrel talking stamps with father he had all he could do to keep
himself from falling asleep after the last time after we took the port
and potted meat it had a fine salty taste yes because I felt lovely and
tired myself and fell asleep as sound as a top the moment I popped
straight into bed till that thunder woke me up God be merciful to us I
thought the heavens were coming down about us to punish us when I blessed
myself and said a Hail Mary like those awful thunderbolts in Gibraltar as
if the world was coming to an end and then they come and tell you theres
no God what could you do if it was running and rushing about nothing only
make an act of contrition the candle I lit that evening in Whitefriars
street chapel for the month of May see it brought its luck though hed
scoff if he heard because he never goes to church mass or meeting he says
your soul you have no soul inside only grey matter because he doesnt know
what it is to have one yes when I lit the lamp because he must have come
3 or 4 times with that tremendous big red brute of a thing he has I
thought the vein or whatever the dickens they call it was going to burst
though his nose is not so big after I took off all my things with the
blinds down after my hours dressing and perfuming and combing it like
iron or some kind of a thick crowbar standing all the time he must have
eaten oysters I think a few dozen he was in great singing voice no I
never in all my life felt anyone had one the size of that to make you
feel full up he must have eaten a whole sheep after whats the idea making
us like that with a big hole in the middle of us or like a Stallion
driving it up into you because thats all they want out of you with that
determined vicious look in his eye I had to halfshut my eyes still he
hasnt such a tremendous amount of spunk in him when I made him pull out
and do it on me considering how big it is so much the better in case any
of it wasnt washed out properly the last time I let him finish it in me
nice invention they made for women for him to get all the pleasure but if
someone gave them a touch of it themselves theyd know what I went through
with Milly nobody would believe cutting her teeth too and Mina Purefoys
husband give us a swing out of your whiskers filling her up with a child
or twins once a year as regular as the clock always with a smell of
children off her the one they called budgers or something like a nigger
with a shock of hair on it Jesusjack the child is a black the last time I
was there a squad of them falling over one another and bawling you
couldnt hear your ears supposed to be healthy not satisfied till they
have us swollen out like elephants or I dont know what supposing I risked
having another not off him though still if he was married Im sure hed
have a fine strong child but I dont know Poldy has more spunk in him yes
thatd be awfully jolly I suppose it was meeting Josie Powell and the
funeral and thinking about me and Boylan set him off well he can think
what he likes now if thatll do him any good I know they were spooning a
bit when I came on the scene he was dancing and sitting out with her the
night of Georgina Simpsons housewarming and then he wanted to ram it down
my neck it was on account of not liking to see her a wallflower that was
why we had the standup row over politics he began it not me when he said
about Our Lord being a carpenter at last he made me cry of course a woman
is so sensitive about everything I was fuming with myself after for
giving in only for I knew he was gone on me and the first socialist he
said He was he annoyed me so much I couldnt put him into a temper still
he knows a lot of mixedup things especially about the body and the inside
I often wanted to study up that myself what we have inside us in that
family physician I could always hear his voice talking when the room was
crowded and watch him after that I pretended I had a coolness on with her
over him because he used to be a bit on the jealous side whenever he
asked who are you going to and I said over to Floey and he made me the
present of Byron's poems and the three pairs of gloves so that finished
that I could quite easily get him to make it up any time I know how Id
even supposing he got in with her again and was going out to see her
somewhere Id know if he refused to eat the onions I know plenty of ways
ask him to tuck down the collar of my blouse or touch him with my veil
and gloves on going out I kiss then would send them all spinning however
alright well see then let him go to her she of course would only be too
delighted to pretend shes mad in love with him that I wouldnt so much
mind Id just go to her and ask her do you love him and look her square in
the eyes she couldnt fool me but he might imagine he was and make a
declaration to her with his plabbery kind of a manner like he did to me
though I had the devils own job to get it out of him though I liked him
for that it showed he could hold in and wasnt to be got for the asking he
was on the pop of asking me too the night in the kitchen I was rolling
the potato cake theres something I want to say to you only for I put him
off letting on I was in a temper with my hands and arms full of pasty
flour in any case I let out too much the night before talking of dreams
so I didnt want to let him know more than was good for him she used to be
always embracing me Josie whenever he was there meaning him of course
glauming me over and when I said I washed up and down as far as possible
asking me and did you wash possible the women are always egging on to
that putting it on thick when hes there they know by his sly eye blinking
a bit putting on the indifferent when they come out with something the
kind he is what spoils him I dont wonder in the least because he was very
handsome at that time trying to look like Lord Byron I said I liked
though he was too beautiful for a man and he was a little before we got
engaged afterwards though she didnt like it so much the day I was in fits
of laughing with the giggles I couldnt stop about all my hairpins falling
out one after another with the mass of hair I had youre always in great
humour she said yes because it grigged her because she knew what it meant
because I used to tell her a good bit of what went on between us not all
but just enough to make her mouth water but that wasnt my fault she didnt
darken the door much after we were married I wonder what shes got like
now after living with that dotty husband of hers she had her face
beginning to look drawn and run down the last time I saw her she must
have been just after a row with him because I saw on the moment she was
edging to draw down a conversation about husbands and talk about him to
run him down what was it she told me O yes that sometimes he used to go
to bed with his muddy boots on when the maggot takes him just imagine
having to get into bed with a thing like that that might murder you any
moment what a man well its not the one way everyone goes mad Poldy anyhow
whatever he does always wipes his feet on the mat when he comes in wet or
shine and always blacks his own boots too and he always takes off his hat
when he comes up in the street like then and now hes going about in his
slippers to look for 10000 pounds for a postcard U p up O sweetheart May
wouldnt a thing like that simply bore you stiff to extinction actually
too stupid even to take his boots off now what could you make of a man
like that Id rather die 20 times over than marry another of their sex of
course hed never find another woman like me to put up with him the way I
do know me come sleep with me yes and he knows that too at the bottom of
his heart take that Mrs Maybrick that poisoned her husband for what I
wonder in love with some other man yes it was found out on her wasnt she
the downright villain to go and do a thing like that of course some men
can be dreadfully aggravating drive you mad and always the worst word in
the world what do they ask us to marry them for if were so bad as all
that comes to yes because they cant get on without us white Arsenic she
put in his tea off flypaper wasnt it I wonder why they call it that if I
asked him hed say its from the Greek leave us as wise as we were before
she must have been madly in love with the other fellow to run the chance
of being hanged O she didnt care if that was her nature what could she do
besides theyre not brutes enough to go and hang a woman surely are they
theyre all so different Boylan talking about the shape of my foot he
noticed at once even before he was introduced when I was in the D B C
with Poldy laughing and trying to listen I was waggling my foot we both
ordered 2 teas and plain bread and butter I saw him looking with his two
old maids of sisters when I stood up and asked the girl where it was what
do I care with it dropping out of me and that black closed breeches he
made me buy takes you half an hour to let them down wetting all myself
always with some brandnew fad every other week such a long one I did I
forgot my suede gloves on the seat behind that I never got after some
robber of a woman and he wanted me to put it in the Irish times lost in
the ladies lavatory D B C Dame street finder return to Mrs Marion Bloom
and I saw his eyes on my feet going out through the turning door he was
looking when I looked back and I went there for tea 2 days after in the
hope but he wasnt now how did that excite him because I was crossing them
when we were in the other room first he meant the shoes that are too
tight to walk in my hand is nice like that if I only had a ring with the
stone for my month a nice aquamarine Ill stick him for one and a gold
bracelet I dont like my foot so much still I made him spend once with my
foot the night after Goodwins botchup of a concert so cold and windy it
was well we had that rum in the house to mull and the fire wasnt black
out when he asked to take off my stockings lying on the hearthrug in
Lombard street west and another time it was my muddy boots hed like me to
walk in all the horses dung I could find but of course hes not natural
like the rest of the world that I what did he say I could give 9 points
in 10 to Katty Lanner and beat her what does that mean I asked him I
forget what he said because the stoppress edition just passed and the man
with the curly hair in the Lucan dairy thats so polite I think I saw his
face before somewhere I noticed him when I was tasting the butter so I
took my time Bartell dArcy too that he used to make fun of when he
commenced kissing me on the choir stairs after I sang Gounods AVE MARIA
what are we waiting for O my heart kiss me straight on the brow and part
which is my brown part he was pretty hot for all his tinny voice too my
low notes he was always raving about if you can believe him I liked the
way he used his mouth singing then he said wasnt it terrible to do that
there in a place like that I dont see anything so terrible about it Ill
tell him about that some day not now and surprise him ay and Ill take him
there and show him the very place too we did it so now there you are like
it or lump it he thinks nothing can happen without him knowing he hadnt
an idea about my mother till we were engaged otherwise hed never have got
me so cheap as he did he was lo times worse himself anyhow begging me to
give him a tiny bit cut off my drawers that was the evening coming along
Kenilworth square he kissed me in the eye of my glove and I had to take
it off asking me questions is it permitted to enquire the shape of my
bedroom so I let him keep it as if I forgot it to think of me when I saw
him slip it into his pocket of course hes mad on the subject of drawers
thats plain to be seen always skeezing at those brazenfaced things on the
bicycles with their skirts blowing up to their navels even when Milly and
I were out with him at the open air fete that one in the cream muslin
standing right against the sun so he could see every atom she had on when
he saw me from behind following in the rain I saw him before he saw me
however standing at the corner of the Harolds cross road with a new
raincoat on him with the muffler in the Zingari colours to show off his
complexion and the brown hat looking slyboots as usual what was he doing
there where hed no business they can go and get whatever they like from
anything at all with a skirt on it and were not to ask any questions but
they want to know where were you where are you going I could feel him
coming along skulking after me his eyes on my neck he had been keeping
away from the house he felt it was getting too warm for him so I
halfturned and stopped then he pestered me to say yes till I took off my
glove slowly watching him he said my openwork sleeves were too cold for
the rain anything for an excuse to put his hand anear me drawers drawers
the whole blessed time till I promised to give him the pair off my doll
to carry about in his waistcoat pocket O MARIA SANTISIMA he did look a
big fool dreeping in the rain splendid set of teeth he had made me hungry
to look at them and beseeched of me to lift the orange petticoat I had on
with the sunray pleats that there was nobody he said hed kneel down in
the wet if I didnt so persevering he would too and ruin his new raincoat
you never know what freak theyd take alone with you theyre so savage for
it if anyone was passing so I lifted them a bit and touched his trousers
outside the way I used to Gardner after with my ring hand to keep him
from doing worse where it was too public I was dying to find out was he
circumcised he was shaking like a jelly all over they want to do
everything too quick take all the pleasure out of it and father waiting
all the time for his dinner he told me to say I left my purse in the
butchers and had to go back for it what a Deceiver then he wrote me that
letter with all those words in it how could he have the face to any woman
after his company manners making it so awkward after when we met asking
me have I offended you with my eyelids down of course he saw I wasnt he
had a few brains not like that other fool Henny Doyle he was always
breaking or tearing something in the charades I hate an unlucky man and
if I knew what it meant of course I had to say no for form sake dont
understand you I said and wasnt it natural so it is of course it used to
be written up with a picture of a womans on that wall in Gibraltar with
that word I couldnt find anywhere only for children seeing it too young
then writing every morning a letter sometimes twice a day I liked the way
he made love then he knew the way to take a woman when he sent me the 8
big poppies because mine was the 8th then I wrote the night he kissed my
heart at Dolphins barn I couldnt describe it simply it makes you feel
like nothing on earth but he never knew how to embrace well like Gardner
I hope hell come on Monday as he said at the same time four I hate people
who come at all hours answer the door you think its the vegetables then
its somebody and you all undressed or the door of the filthy sloppy
kitchen blows open the day old frostyface Goodwin called about the
concert in Lombard street and I just after dinner all flushed and tossed
with boiling old stew dont look at me professor I had to say Im a fright
yes but he was a real old gent in his way it was impossible to be more
respectful nobody to say youre out you have to peep out through the blind
like the messengerboy today I thought it was a putoff first him sending
the port and the peaches first and I was just beginning to yawn with
nerves thinking he was trying to make a fool of me when I knew his
tattarrattat at the door he must have been a bit late because it was l/4
after 3 when I saw the 2 Dedalus girls coming from school I never know
the time even that watch he gave me never seems to go properly Id want to
get it looked after when I threw the penny to that lame sailor for
England home and beauty when I was whistling there is a charming girl I
love and I hadnt even put on my clean shift or powdered myself or a thing
then this day week were to go to Belfast just as well he has to go to
Ennis his fathers anniversary the 27th it wouldnt be pleasant if he did
suppose our rooms at the hotel were beside each other and any fooling
went on in the new bed I couldnt tell him to stop and not bother me with
him in the next room or perhaps some protestant clergyman with a cough
knocking on the wall then hed never believe the next day we didnt do
something its all very well a husband but you cant fool a lover after me
telling him we never did anything of course he didnt believe me no its
better hes going where he is besides something always happens with him
the time going to the Mallow concert at Maryborough ordering boiling soup
for the two of us then the bell rang out he walks down the platform with
the soup splashing about taking spoonfuls of it hadnt he the nerve and
the waiter after him making a holy show of us screeching and confusion
for the engine to start but he wouldnt pay till he finished it the two
gentlemen in the 3rd class carriage said he was quite right so he was too
hes so pigheaded sometimes when he gets a thing into his head a good job
he was able to open the carriage door with his knife or theyd have taken
us on to Cork I suppose that was done out of revenge on him O I love
jaunting in a train or a car with lovely soft cushions I wonder will he
take a 1st class for me he might want to do it in the train by tipping
the guard well O I suppose therell be the usual idiots of men gaping at
us with their eyes as stupid as ever they can possibly be that was an
exceptional man that common workman that left us alone in the carriage
that day going to Howth Id like to find out something about him l or 2
tunnels perhaps then you have to look out of the window all the nicer
then coming back suppose I never came back what would they say eloped
with him that gets you on on the stage the last concert I sang at where
its over a year ago when was it St Teresas hall Clarendon St little chits
of missies they have now singing Kathleen Kearney and her like on account
of father being in the army and my singing the absentminded beggar and
wearing a brooch for Lord Roberts when I had the map of it all and Poldy
not Irish enough was it him managed it this time I wouldnt put it past
him like he got me on to sing in the STABAT MATER by going around saying
he was putting Lead Kindly Light to music I put him up to that till the
jesuits found out he was a freemason thumping the piano lead Thou me on
copied from some old opera yes and he was going about with some of them
Sinner Fein lately or whatever they call themselves talking his usual
trash and nonsense he says that little man he showed me without the neck
is very intelligent the coming man Griffiths is he well he doesnt look it
thats all I can say still it must have been him he knew there was a
boycott I hate the mention of their politics after the war that Pretoria
and Ladysmith and Bloemfontein where Gardner lieut Stanley G 8th Bn 2nd
East Lancs Rgt of enteric fever he was a lovely fellow in khaki and just
the right height over me Im sure he was brave too he said I was lovely
the evening we kissed goodbye at the canal lock my Irish beauty he was
pale with excitement about going away or wed be seen from the road he
couldnt stand properly and I so hot as I never felt they could have made
their peace in the beginning or old oom Paul and the rest of the other
old Krugers go and fight it out between them instead of dragging on for
years killing any finelooking men there were with their fever if he was
even decently shot it wouldnt have been so bad I love to see a regiment
pass in review the first time I saw the Spanish cavalry at La Roque it
was lovely after looking across the bay from Algeciras all the lights of
the rock like fireflies or those sham battles on the 15 acres the Black
Watch with their kilts in time at the march past the 10th hussars the
prince of Wales own or the lancers O the lancers theyre grand or the
Dublins that won Tugela his father made his money over selling the horses
for the cavalry well he could buy me a nice present up in Belfast after
what I gave him theyve lovely linen up there or one of those nice kimono
things I must buy a mothball like I had before to keep in the drawer with
them it would be exciting going round with him shopping buying those
things in a new city better leave this ring behind want to keep turning
and turning to get it over the knuckle there or they might bell it round
the town in their papers or tell the police on me but theyd think were
married O let them all go and smother themselves for the fat lot I care
he has plenty of money and hes not a marrying man so somebody better get
it out of him if I could find out whether he likes me I looked a bit
washy of course when I looked close in the handglass powdering a mirror
never gives you the expression besides scrooching down on me like that
all the time with his big hipbones hes heavy too with his hairy chest for
this heat always having to lie down for them better for him put it into
me from behind the way Mrs Mastiansky told me her husband made her like
the dogs do it and stick out her tongue as far as ever she could and he
so quiet and mild with his tingating cither can you ever be up to men the
way it takes them lovely stuff in that blue suit he had on and stylish
tie and socks with the skyblue silk things on them hes certainly well off
I know by the cut his clothes have and his heavy watch but he was like a
perfect devil for a few minutes after he came back with the stoppress
tearing up the tickets and swearing blazes because he lost 20 quid he
said he lost over that outsider that won and half he put on for me on
account of Lenehans tip cursing him to the lowest pits that sponger he
was making free with me after the Glencree dinner coming back that long
joult over the featherbed mountain after the lord Mayor looking at me
with his dirty eyes Val Dillon that big heathen I first noticed him at
dessert when I was cracking the nuts with my teeth I wished I could have
picked every morsel of that chicken out of my fingers it was so tasty and
browned and as tender as anything only for I didnt want to eat everything
on my plate those forks and fishslicers were hallmarked silver too I wish
I had some I could easily have slipped a couple into my muff when I was
playing with them then always hanging out of them for money in a
restaurant for the bit you put down your throat we have to be thankful
for our mangy cup of tea itself as a great compliment to be noticed the
way the world is divided in any case if its going to go on I want at
least two other good chemises for one thing and but I dont know what kind
of drawers he likes none at all I think didnt he say yes and half the
girls in Gibraltar never wore them either naked as God made them that
Andalusian singing her Manola she didnt make much secret of what she
hadnt yes and the second pair of silkette stockings is laddered after one
days wear I could have brought them back to Lewers this morning and
kicked up a row and made that one change them only not to upset myself
and run the risk of walking into him and ruining the whole thing and one
of those kidfitting corsets Id want advertised cheap in the Gentlewoman
with elastic gores on the hips he saved the one I have but thats no good
what did they say they give a delightful figure line 11/6 obviating that
unsightly broad appearance across the lower back to reduce flesh my belly
is a bit too big Ill have to knock off the stout at dinner or am I
getting too fond of it the last they sent from ORourkes was as flat as a
pancake he makes his money easy Larry they call him the old mangy parcel
he sent at Xmas a cottage cake and a bottle of hogwash he tried to palm
off as claret that he couldnt get anyone to drink God spare his spit for
fear hed die of the drouth or I must do a few breathing exercises I
wonder is that antifat any good might overdo it the thin ones are not so
much the fashion now garters that much I have the violet pair I wore
today thats all he bought me out of the cheque he got on the first O no
there was the face lotion I finished the last of yesterday that made my
skin like new I told him over and over again get that made up in the same
place and dont forget it God only knows whether he did after all I said
to him 111 know by the bottle anyway if not I suppose 111 only have to
wash in my piss like beeftea or chickensoup with some of that opoponax
and violet I thought it was beginning to look coarse or old a bit the
skin underneath is much finer where it peeled off there on my finger
after the burn its a pity it isnt all like that and the four paltry
handkerchiefs about 6/- in all sure you cant get on in this world without
style all going in food and rent when I get it Ill lash it around I tell
you in fine style I always want to throw a handful of tea into the pot
measuring and mincing if I buy a pair of old brogues itself do you like
those new shoes yes how much were they Ive no clothes at all the brown
costume and the skirt and jacket and the one at the cleaners 3 whats that
for any woman cutting up this old hat and patching up the other the men
wont look at you and women try to walk on you because they know youve no
man then with all the things getting dearer every day for the 4 years
more I have of life up to 35 no Im what am I at all 111 be 33 in
September will I what O well look at that Mrs Galbraith shes much older
than me I saw her when I was out last week her beautys on the wane she
was a lovely woman magnificent head of hair on her down to her waist
tossing it back like that like Kitty OShea in Grantham street 1st thing I
did every morning to look across see her combing it as if she loved it
and was full of it pity I only got to know her the day before we left and
that Mrs Langtry the jersey lily the prince of Wales was in love with I
suppose hes like the first man going the roads only for the name of a
king theyre all made the one way only a black mans Id like to try a
beauty up to what was she 45 there was some funny story about the jealous
old husband what was it at all and an oyster knife he went no he made her
wear a kind of a tin thing round her and the prince of Wales yes he had
the oyster knife cant be true a thing like that like some of those books
he brings me the works of Master Francois Somebody supposed to be a
priest about a child born out of her ear because her bumgut fell out a
nice word for any priest to write and her a--e as if any fool wouldnt
know what that meant I hate that pretending of all things with that old
blackguards face on him anybody can see its not true and that Ruby and
Fair Tyrants he brought me that twice I remember when I came to page 5 o
the part about where she hangs him up out of a hook with a cord
flagellate sure theres nothing for a woman in that all invention made up
about he drinking the champagne out of her slipper after the ball was
over like the infant Jesus in the crib at Inchicore in the Blessed
Virgins arms sure no woman could have a child that big taken out of her
and I thought first it came out of her side because how could she go to
the chamber when she wanted to and she a rich lady of course she felt
honoured H R H he was in Gibraltar the year I was born I bet he found
lilies there too where he planted the tree he planted more than that in
his time he might have planted me too if hed come a bit sooner then I
wouldnt be here as I am he ought to chuck that Freeman with the paltry
few shillings he knocks out of it and go into an office or something
where hed get regular pay or a bank where they could put him up on a
throne to count the money all the day of course he prefers plottering
about the house so you cant stir with him any side whats your programme
today I wish hed even smoke a pipe like father to get the smell of a man
or pretending to be mooching about for advertisements when he could have
been in Mr Cuffes still only for what he did then sending me to try and
patch it up I could have got him promoted there to be the manager he gave
me a great mirada once or twice first he was as stiff as the mischief
really and truly Mrs Bloom only I felt rotten simply with the old
rubbishy dress that I lost the leads out of the tails with no cut in it
but theyre coming into fashion again I bought it simply to please him I
knew it was no good by the finish pity I changed my mind of going to Todd
and Bums as I said and not Lees it was just like the shop itself rummage
sale a lot of trash I hate those rich shops get on your nerves nothing
kills me altogether only he thinks he knows a great lot about a womans
dress and cooking mathering everything he can scour off the shelves into
it if I went by his advices every blessed hat I put on does that suit me
yes take that thats alright the one like a weddingcake standing up miles
off my head he said suited me or the dishcover one coming down on my
backside on pins and needles about the shopgirl in that place in Grafton
street I had the misfortune to bring him into and she as insolent as ever
she could be with her smirk saying Im afraid were giving you too much
trouble what shes there for but I stared it out of her yes he was awfully
stiff and no wonder but he changed the second time he looked Poldy
pigheaded as usual like the soup but I could see him looking very hard at
my chest when he stood up to open the door for me it was nice of him to
show me out in any case Im extremely sorry Mrs Bloom believe me without
making it too marked the first time after him being insulted and me being
supposed to be his wife I just half smiled I know my chest was out that
way at the door when he said Im extremely sorry and Im sure you were
yes I think he made them a bit firmer sucking them like that so long he
made me thirsty titties he calls them I had to laugh yes this one anyhow
stiff the nipple gets for the least thing Ill get him to keep that up and
Ill take those eggs beaten up with marsala fatten them out for him what
are all those veins and things curious the way its made 2 the same in
case of twins theyre supposed to represent beauty placed up there like
those statues in the museum one of them pretending to hide it with her
hand are they so beautiful of course compared with what a man looks like
with his two bags full and his other thing hanging down out of him or
sticking up at you like a hatrack no wonder they hide it with a
cabbageleaf that disgusting Cameron highlander behind the meat market or
that other wretch with the red head behind the tree where the statue of
the fish used to be when I was passing pretending he was pissing standing
out for me to see it with his babyclothes up to one side the Queens own
they were a nice lot its well the Surreys relieved them theyre always
trying to show it to you every time nearly I passed outside the mens
greenhouse near the Harcourt street station just to try some fellow or
other trying to catch my eye as if it was I of the 7 wonders of the world
O and the stink of those rotten places the night coming home with Poldy
after the Comerfords party oranges and lemonade to make you feel nice and
watery I went into r of them it was so biting cold I couldnt keep it when
was that 93 the canal was frozen yes it was a few months after a pity a
couple of the Camerons werent there to see me squatting in the mens place
meadero I tried to draw a picture of it before I tore it up like a
sausage or something I wonder theyre not afraid going about of getting a
kick or a bang of something there the woman is beauty of course thats
admitted when he said I could pose for a picture naked to some rich
fellow in Holles street when he lost the job in Helys and I was selling
the clothes and strumming in the coffee palace would I be like that bath
of the nymph with my hair down yes only shes younger or Im a little like
that dirty bitch in that Spanish photo he has nymphs used they go about
like that I asked him about her and that word met something with hoses in
it and he came out with some jawbreakers about the incarnation he never
can explain a thing simply the way a body can understand then he goes and
burns the bottom out of the pan all for his Kidney this one not so much
theres the mark of his teeth still where he tried to bite the nipple I
had to scream out arent they fearful trying to hurt you I had a great
breast of milk with Milly enough for two what was the reason of that he
said I could have got a pound a week as a wet nurse all swelled out the
morning that delicate looking student that stopped in no 28 with the
Citrons Penrose nearly caught me washing through the window only for I
snapped up the towel to my face that was his studenting hurt me they used
to weaning her till he got doctor Brady to give me the belladonna
prescription I had to get him to suck them they were so hard he said it
was sweeter and thicker than cows then he wanted to milk me into the tea
well hes beyond everything I declare somebody ought to put him in the
budget if I only could remember the I half of the things and write a book
out of it the works of Master Poldy yes and its so much smoother the skin
much an hour he was at them Im sure by the clock like some kind of a big
infant I had at me they want everything in their mouth all the pleasure
those men get out of a woman I can feel his mouth O Lord I must stretch
myself I wished he was here or somebody to let myself go with and come
again like that I feel all fire inside me or if I could dream it when he
made me spend the 2nd time tickling me behind with his finger I was
coming for about 5 minutes with my legs round him I had to hug him after
O Lord I wanted to shout out all sorts of things fuck or shit or anything
at all only not to look ugly or those lines from the strain who knows the
way hed take it you want to feel your way with a man theyre not all like
him thank God some of them want you to be so nice about it I noticed the
contrast he does it and doesnt talk I gave my eyes that look with my hair
a bit loose from the tumbling and my tongue between my lips up to him the
savage brute Thursday Friday one Saturday two Sunday three O Lord I cant
wait till Monday
frseeeeeeeefronnnng train somewhere whistling the strength those engines
have in them like big giants and the water rolling all over and out of
them all sides like the end of Loves old sweeeetsonnnng the poor men that
have to be out all the night from their wives and families in those
roasting engines stifling it was today Im glad I burned the half of those
old Freemans and Photo Bits leaving things like that lying about hes
getting very careless and threw the rest of them up in the W C 111 get
him to cut them tomorrow for me instead of having them there for the next
year to get a few pence for them have him asking wheres last Januarys
paper and all those old overcoats I bundled out of the hall making the
place hotter than it is that rain was lovely and refreshing just after my
beauty sleep I thought it was going to get like Gibraltar my goodness the
heat there before the levanter came on black as night and the glare of
the rock standing up in it like a big giant compared with their 3 Rock
mountain they think is so great with the red sentries here and there the
poplars and they all whitehot and the smell of the rainwater in those
tanks watching the sun all the time weltering down on you faded all that
lovely frock fathers friend Mrs Stanhope sent me from the B Marche paris
what a shame my dearest Doggerina she wrote on it she was very nice whats
this her other name was just a p c to tell you I sent the little present
have just had a jolly warm bath and feel a very clean dog now enjoyed it
wogger she called him wogger wd give anything to be back in Gib and hear
you sing Waiting and in old Madrid Concone is the name of those exercises
he bought me one of those new some word I couldnt make out shawls amusing
things but tear for the least thing still there lovely I think dont you
will always think of the lovely teas we had together scrumptious currant
scones and raspberry wafers I adore well now dearest Doggerina be sure
and write soon kind she left out regards to your father also captain
Grove with love yrs affly Hester x x x x x she didnt look a bit married
just like a girl he was years older than her wogger he was awfully fond
of me when he held down the wire with his foot for me to step over at the
bullfight at La Linea when that matador Gomez was given the bulls ear
these clothes we have to wear whoever invented them expecting you to walk
up Killiney hill then for example at that picnic all staysed up you cant
do a blessed thing in them in a crowd run or jump out of the way thats
why I was afraid when that other ferocious old Bull began to charge the
banderilleros with the sashes and the 2 things in their hats and the
brutes of men shouting bravo toro sure the women were as bad in their
nice white mantillas ripping all the whole insides out of those poor
horses I never heard of such a thing in all my life yes he used to break
his heart at me taking off the dog barking in bell lane poor brute and it
sick what became of them ever I suppose theyre dead long ago the 2 of
them its like all through a mist makes you feel so old I made the scones
of course I had everything all to myself then a girl Hester we used to
compare our hair mine was thicker than hers she showed me how to settle
it at the back when I put it up and whats this else how to make a knot on
a thread with the one hand we were like cousins what age was I then the
night of the storm I slept in her bed she had her arms round me then we
were fighting in the morning with the pillow what fun he was watching me
whenever he got an opportunity at the band on the Alameda esplanade when
I was with father and captain Grove I looked up at the church first and
then at the windows then down and our eyes met I felt something go
through me like all needles my eyes were dancing I remember after when I
looked at myself in the glass hardly recognised myself the change he was
attractive to a girl in spite of his being a little bald intelligent
looking disappointed and gay at the same time he was like Thomas in the
shadow of Ashlydyat I had a splendid skin from the sun and the excitement
like a rose I didnt get a wink of sleep it wouldnt have been nice on
account of her but I could have stopped it in time she gave me the
Moonstone to read that was the first I read of Wilkie Collins East Lynne
I read and the shadow of Ashlydyat Mrs Henry Wood Henry Dunbar by that
other woman I lent him afterwards with Mulveys photo in it so as he see I
wasnt without and Lord Lytton Eugene Aram Molly bawn she gave me by Mrs
Hungerford on account of the name I dont like books with a Molly in them
like that one he brought me about the one from Flanders a whore always
shoplifting anything she could cloth and stuff and yards of it O this
blanket is too heavy on me thats better I havent even one decent
nightdress this thing gets all rolled under me besides him and his
fooling thats better I used to be weltering then in the heat my shift
drenched with the sweat stuck in the cheeks of my bottom on the chair
when I stood up they were so fattish and firm when I got up on the sofa
cushions to see with my clothes up and the bugs tons of them at night and
the mosquito nets I couldnt read a line Lord how long ago it seems
centuries of course they never came back and she didnt put her address
right on it either she may have noticed her wogger people were always
going away and we never I remember that day with the waves and the boats
with their high heads rocking and the smell of ship those Officers
uniforms on shore leave made me seasick he didnt say anything he was very
serious I had the high buttoned boots on and my skirt was blowing she
kissed me six or seven times didnt I cry yes I believe I did or near it
my lips were taittering when I said goodbye she had a Gorgeous wrap of
some special kind of blue colour on her for the voyage made very
peculiarly to one side like and it was extremely pretty it got as dull as
the devil after they went I was almost planning to run away mad out of it
somewhere were never easy where we are father or aunt or marriage waiting
always waiting to guiiiide him toooo me waiting nor speeeed his flying
feet their damn guns bursting and booming all over the shop especially
the Queens birthday and throwing everything down in all directions if you
didnt open the windows when general Ulysses Grant whoever he was or did
supposed to be some great fellow landed off the ship and old Sprague the
consul that was there from before the flood dressed up poor man and he in
mourning for the son then the same old bugles for reveille in the morning
and drums rolling and the unfortunate poor devils of soldiers walking
about with messtins smelling the place more than the old longbearded jews
in their jellibees and levites assembly and sound clear and gunfire for
the men to cross the lines and the warden marching with his keys to lock
the gates and the bagpipes and only captain Groves and father talking
about Rorkes drift and Plevna and sir Garnet Wolseley and Gordon at
Khartoum lighting their pipes for them everytime they went out drunken
old devil with his grog on the windowsill catch him leaving any of it
picking his nose trying to think of some other dirty story to tell up in
a corner but he never forgot himself when I was there sending me out of
the room on some blind excuse paying his compliments the Bushmills whisky
talking of course but hed do the same to the next woman that came along I
suppose he died of galloping drink ages ago the days like years not a
letter from a living soul except the odd few I posted to myself with bits
of paper in them so bored sometimes I could fight with my nails listening
to that old Arab with the one eye and his heass of an instrument singing
his heah heah aheah all my compriments on your hotchapotch of your heass
as bad as now with the hands hanging off me looking out of the window if
there was a nice fellow even in the opposite house that medical in Holles
street the nurse was after when I put on my gloves and hat at the window
to show I was going out not a notion what I meant arent they thick never
understand what you say even youd want to print it up on a big poster for
them not even if you shake hands twice with the left he didnt recognise
me either when I half frowned at him outside Westland row chapel where
does their great intelligence come in Id like to know grey matter they
have it all in their tail if you ask me those country gougers up in the
City Arms intelligence they had a damn sight less than the bulls and cows
they were selling the meat and the coalmans bell that noisy bugger trying
to swindle me with the wrong bill he took out of his hat what a pair of
paws and pots and pans and kettles to mend any broken bottles for a poor
man today and no visitors or post ever except his cheques or some
advertisement like that wonderworker they sent him addressed dear Madam
only his letter and the card from Milly this morning see she wrote a
letter to him who did I get the last letter from O Mrs Dwenn now what
possessed her to write from Canada after so many years to know the recipe
I had for pisto madrileno Floey Dillon since she wrote to say she was
married to a very rich architect if Im to believe all I hear with a villa
and eight rooms her father was an awfully nice man he was near seventy
always goodhumoured well now Miss Tweedy or Miss Gillespie theres the
piannyer that was a solid silver coffee service he had too on the
mahogany sideboard then dying so far away I hate people that have always
their poor story to tell everybody has their own troubles that poor Nancy
Blake died a month ago of acute neumonia well I didnt know her so well as
all that she was Floeys friend more than mine poor Nancy its a bother
having to answer he always tells me the wrong things and no stops to say
like making a speech your sad bereavement symphathy I always make that
mistake and newphew with 2 double yous in I hope hell write me a longer
letter the next time if its a thing he really likes me O thanks be to the
great God I got somebody to give me what I badly wanted to put some heart
up into me youve no chances at all in this place like you used long ago I
wish somebody would write me a loveletter his wasnt much and I told him
he could write what he liked yours ever Hugh Boylan in old Madrid stuff
silly women believe love is sighing I am dying still if he wrote it I
suppose thered be some truth in it true or no it fills up your whole day
and life always something to think about every moment and see it all
round you like a new world I could write the answer in bed to let him
imagine me short just a few words not those long crossed letters Atty
Dillon used to write to the fellow that was something in the four courts
that jilted her after out of the ladies letterwriter when I told her to
say a few simple words he could twist how he liked not acting with
precipat precip itancy with equal candour the greatest earthly happiness
answer to a gentlemans proposal affirmatively my goodness theres nothing
else its all very fine for them but as for being a woman as soon as youre
old they might as well throw you out in the bottom of the ashpit.
Mulveys was the first when I was in bed that morning and Mrs Rubio
brought it in with the coffee she stood there standing when I asked her
to hand me and I pointing at them I couldnt think of the word a hairpin
to open it with ah horquilla disobliging old thing and it staring her in
the face with her switch of false hair on her and vain about her
appearance ugly as she was near 80 or a loo her face a mass of wrinkles
with all her religion domineering because she never could get over the
Atlantic fleet coming in half the ships of the world and the Union Jack
flying with all her carabineros because 4 drunken English sailors took
all the rock from them and because I didnt run into mass often enough in
Santa Maria to please her with her shawl up on her except when there was
a marriage on with all her miracles of the saints and her black blessed
virgin with the silver dress and the sun dancing 3 times on Easter Sunday
morning and when the priest was going by with the bell bringing the
vatican to the dying blessing herself for his Majestad an admirer he
signed it I near jumped out of my skin I wanted to pick him up when I saw
him following me along the Calle Real in the shop window then he tipped
me just in passing but I never thought hed write making an appointment I
had it inside my petticoat bodice all day reading it up in every hole and
corner while father was up at the drill instructing to find out by the
handwriting or the language of stamps singing I remember shall I wear a
white rose and I wanted to put on the old stupid clock to near the time
he was the first man kissed me under the Moorish wall my sweetheart when
a boy it never entered my head what kissing meant till he put his tongue
in my mouth his mouth was sweetlike young I put my knee up to him a few
times to learn the way what did I tell him I was engaged for for fun to
the son of a Spanish nobleman named Don Miguel de la Flora and he
believed me that I was to be married to him in 3 years time theres many a
true word spoken in jest there is a flower that bloometh a few things I
told him true about myself just for him to be imagining the Spanish girls
he didnt like I suppose one of them wouldnt have him I got him excited he
crushed all the flowers on my bosom he brought me he couldnt count the
pesetas and the perragordas till I taught him Cappoquin he came from he
said on the black water but it was too short then the day before he left
May yes it was May when the infant king of Spain was born Im always like
that in the spring Id like a new fellow every year up on the tiptop under
the rockgun near OHaras tower I told him it was struck by lightning and
all about the old Barbary apes they sent to Clapham without a tail
careering all over the show on each others back Mrs Rubio said she was a
regular old rock scorpion robbing the chickens out of Inces farm and
throw stones at you if you went anear he was looking at me I had that
white blouse on open in the front to encourage him as much as I could
without too openly they were just beginning to be plump I said I was
tired we lay over the firtree cove a wild place I suppose it must be the
highest rock in existence the galleries and casemates and those frightful
rocks and Saint Michaels cave with the icicles or whatever they call them
hanging down and ladders all the mud plotching my boots Im sure thats the
way down the monkeys go under the sea to Africa when they die the ships
out far like chips that was the Malta boat passing yes the sea and the
sky you could do what you liked lie there for ever he caressed them
outside they love doing that its the roundness there I was leaning over
him with my white ricestraw hat to take the newness out of it the left
side of my face the best my blouse open for his last day transparent kind
of shirt he had I could see his chest pink he wanted to touch mine with
his for a moment but I wouldnt lee him he was awfully put out first for
fear you never know consumption or leave me with a child embarazada that
old servant Ines told me that one drop even if it got into you at all
after I tried with the Banana but I was afraid it might break and get
lost up in me somewhere because they once took something down out of a
woman that was up there for years covered with limesalts theyre all mad
to get in there where they come out of youd think they could never go far
enough up and then theyre done with you in a way till the next time yes
because theres a wonderful feeling there so tender all the time how did
we finish it off yes O yes I pulled him off into my handkerchief
pretending not to be excited but I opened my legs I wouldnt let him touch
me inside my petticoat because I had a skirt opening up the side I
tormented the life out of him first tickling him I loved rousing that dog
in the hotel rrrsssstt awokwokawok his eyes shut and a bird flying below
us he was shy all the same I liked him like that moaning I made him blush
a little when I got over him that way when I unbuttoned him and took his
out and drew back the skin it had a kind of eye in it theyre all Buttons
men down the middle on the wrong side of them Molly darling he called me
what was his name Jack Joe Harry Mulvey was it yes I think a lieutenant
he was rather fair he had a laughing kind of a voice so I went round to
the whatyoucallit everything was whatyoucallit moustache had he he said
hed come back Lord its just like yesterday to me and if I was married hed
do it to me and I promised him yes faithfully Id let him block me now
flying perhaps hes dead or killed or a captain or admiral its nearly 20
years if I said firtree cove he would if he came up behind me and put his
hands over my eyes to guess who I might recognise him hes young still
about 40 perhaps hes married some girl on the black water and is quite
changed they all do they havent half the character a woman has she little
knows what I did with her beloved husband before he ever dreamt of her in
broad daylight too in the sight of the whole world you might say they
could have put an article about it in the Chronicle I was a bit wild
after when I blew out the old bag the biscuits were in from Benady Bros
and exploded it Lord what a bang all the woodcocks and pigeons screaming
coming back the same way that we went over middle hill round by the old
guardhouse and the jews burialplace pretending to read out the Hebrew on
them I wanted to fire his pistol he said he hadnt one he didnt know what
to make of me with his peak cap on that he always wore crooked as often
as I settled it straight H M S Calypso swinging my hat that old Bishop
that spoke off the altar his long preach about womans higher functions
about girls now riding the bicycle and wearing peak caps and the new
woman bloomers God send him sense and me more money I suppose theyre
called after him I never thought that would be my name Bloom when I used
to write it in print to see how it looked on a visiting card or
practising for the butcher and oblige M Bloom youre looking blooming
Josie used to say after I married him well its better than Breen or
Briggs does brig or those awful names with bottom in them Mrs Ramsbottom
or some other kind of a bottom Mulvey I wouldnt go mad about either or
suppose I divorced him Mrs Boylan my mother whoever she was might have
given me a nicer name the Lord knows after the lovely one she had Lunita
Laredo the fun we had running along Williss road to Europa point twisting
in and out all round the other side of Jersey they were shaking and
dancing about in my blouse like Millys little ones now when she runs up
the stairs I loved looking down at them I was jumping up at the pepper
trees and the white poplars pulling the leaves off and throwing them at
him he went to India he was to write the voyages those men have to make
to the ends of the world and back its the least they might get a squeeze
or two at a woman while they can going out to be drowned or blown up
somewhere I went up Windmill hill to the flats that Sunday morning with
captain Rubios that was dead spyglass like the sentry had he said hed
have one or two from on board I wore that frock from the B Marche paris
and the coral necklace the straits shining I could see over to Morocco
almost the bay of Tangier white and the Atlas mountain with snow on it
and the straits like a river so clear Harry Molly darling I was thinking
of him on the sea all the time after at mass when my petticoat began to
slip down at the elevation weeks and weeks I kept the handkerchief under
my pillow for the smell of him there was no decent perfume to be got in
that Gibraltar only that cheap peau despagne that faded and left a stink
on you more than anything else I wanted to give him a memento he gave me
that clumsy Claddagh ring for luck that I gave Gardner going to south
Africa where those Boers killed him with their war and fever but they
were well beaten all the same as if it brought its bad luck with it like
an opal or pearl still it must have been pure 18 carrot gold because it
was very heavy but what could you get in a place like that the sandfrog
shower from Africa and that derelict ship that came up to the harbour
Marie the Marie whatyoucallit no he hadnt a moustache that was Gardner
yes I can see his face cleanshaven Frseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeefrong that
train again weeping tone once in the dear deaead days beyondre call close
my eyes breath my lips forward kiss sad look eyes open piano ere oer the
world the mists began I hate that istsbeg comes loves sweet
sooooooooooong Ill let that out full when I get in front of the
footlights again Kathleen Kearney and her lot of squealers Miss This Miss
That Miss Theother lot of sparrowfarts skitting around talking about
politics they know as much about as my backside anything in the world to
make themselves someway interesting Irish homemade beauties soldiers
daughter am I ay and whose are you bootmakers and publicans I beg your
pardon coach I thought you were a wheelbarrow theyd die down dead off
their feet if ever they got a chance of walking down the Alameda on an
officers arm like me on the bandnight my eyes flash my bust that they
havent passion God help their poor head I knew more about men and life
when I was I S than theyll all know at 50 they dont know how to sing a
song like that Gardner said no man could look at my mouth and teeth
smiling like that and not think of it I was afraid he mightnt like my
accent first he so English all father left me in spite of his stamps Ive
my mothers eyes and figure anyhow he always said theyre so snotty about
themselves some of those cads he wasnt a bit like that he was dead gone
on my lips let them get a husband first thats fit to be looked at and a
daughter like mine or see if they can excite a swell with money that can
pick and choose whoever he wants like Boylan to do it 4 or 5 times locked
in each others arms or the voice either I could have been a prima donna
only I married him comes looooves old deep down chin back not too much
make it double My Ladys Bower is too long for an encore about the moated
grange at twilight and vaunted rooms yes Ill sing Winds that blow from
the south that he gave after the choirstairs performance Ill change that
lace on my black dress to show off my bubs and Ill yes by God Ill get
that big fan mended make them burst with envy my hole is itching me
always when I think of him I feel I want to I feel some wind in me better
go easy not wake him have him at it again slobbering after washing every
bit of myself back belly and sides if we had even a bath itself or my own
room anyway I wish hed sleep in some bed by himself with his cold feet on
me give us room even to let a fart God or do the least thing better yes
hold them like that a bit on my side piano quietly sweeeee theres that
train far away pianissimo eeeee one more song
that was a relief wherever you be let your wind go free who knows if that
pork chop I took with my cup of tea after was quite good with the heat I
couldnt smell anything off it Im sure that queerlooking man in the
porkbutchers is a great rogue I hope that lamp is not smoking fill my
nose up with smuts better than having him leaving the gas on all night I
couldnt rest easy in my bed in Gibraltar even getting up to see why am I
so damned nervous about that though I like it in the winter its more
company O Lord it was rotten cold too that winter when I was only about
ten was I yes I had the big doll with all the funny clothes dressing her
up and undressing that icy wind skeeting across from those mountains the
something Nevada sierra nevada standing at the fire with the little bit
of a short shift I had up to heat myself I loved dancing about in it then
make a race back into bed Im sure that fellow opposite used to be there
the whole time watching with the lights out in the summer and I in my
skin hopping around I used to love myself then stripped at the washstand
dabbing and creaming only when it came to the chamber performance I put
out the light too so then there were 2 of us goodbye to my sleep for this
night anyhow I hope hes not going to get in with those medicals leading
him astray to imagine hes young again coming in at 4 in the morning it
must be if not more still he had the manners not to wake me what do they
find to gabber about all night squandering money and getting drunker and
drunker couldnt they drink water then he starts giving us his orders for
eggs and tea and Findon haddy and hot buttered toast I suppose well have
him sitting up like the king of the country pumping the wrong end of the
spoon up and down in his egg wherever he learned that from and I love to
hear him falling up the stairs of a morning with the cups rattling on the
tray and then play with the cat she rubs up against you for her own sake
I wonder has she fleas shes as bad as a woman always licking and lecking
but I hate their claws I wonder do they see anything that we cant staring
like that when she sits at the top of the stairs so long and listening as
I wait always what a robber too that lovely fresh place I bought I think
Ill get a bit of fish tomorrow or today is it Friday yes I will with some
blancmange with black currant jam like long ago not those 2 lb pots of
mixed plum and apple from the London and Newcastle Williams and Woods
goes twice as far only for the bones I hate those eels cod yes Ill get a
nice piece of cod Im always getting enough for 3 forgetting anyway Im
sick of that everlasting butchers meat from Buckleys loin chops and leg
beef and rib steak and scrag of mutton and calfs pluck the very name is
enough or a picnic suppose we all gave 5/- each and or let him pay it and
invite some other woman for him who Mrs Fleming and drove out to the
furry glen or the strawberry beds wed have him examining all the horses
toenails first like he does with the letters no not with Boylan there yes
with some cold veal and ham mixed sandwiches there are little houses down
at the bottom of the banks there on purpose but its as hot as blazes he
says not a bank holiday anyhow I hate those ruck of Mary Ann coalboxes
out for the day Whit Monday is a cursed day too no wonder that bee bit
him better the seaside but Id never again in this life get into a boat
with him after him at Bray telling the boatman he knew how to row if
anyone asked could he ride the steeplechase for the gold cup hed say yes
then it came on to get rough the old thing crookeding about and the
weight all down my side telling me pull the right reins now pull the left
and the tide all swamping in floods in through the bottom and his oar
slipping out of the stirrup its a mercy we werent all drowned he can swim
of course me no theres no danger whatsoever keep yourself calm in his
flannel trousers Id like to have tattered them down off him before all
the people and give him what that one calls flagellate till he was black
and blue do him all the good in the world only for that longnosed chap I
dont know who he is with that other beauty Burke out of the City Arms
hotel was there spying around as usual on the slip always where he wasnt
wanted if there was a row on youd vomit a better face there was no love
lost between us thats 1 consolation I wonder what kind is that book he
brought me Sweets of Sin by a gentleman of fashion some other Mr de Kock
I suppose the people gave him that nickname going about with his tube
from one woman to another I couldnt even change my new white shoes all
ruined with the saltwater and the hat I had with that feather all blowy
and tossed on me how annoying and provoking because the smell of the sea
excited me of course the sardines and the bream in Catalan bay round the
back of the rock they were fine all silver in the fishermens baskets old
Luigi near a hundred they said came from Genoa and the tall old chap with
the earrings I dont like a man you have to climb up to to get at I
suppose theyre all dead and rotten long ago besides I dont like being
alone in this big barracks of a place at night I suppose Ill have to put
up with it I never brought a bit of salt in even when we moved in the
confusion musical academy he was going to make on the first floor
drawingroom with a brassplate or Blooms private hotel he suggested go and
ruin himself altogether the way his father did down in Ennis like all the
things he told father he was going to do and me but I saw through him
telling me all the lovely places we could go for the honeymoon Venice by
moonlight with the gondolas and the lake of Como he had a picture cut out
of some paper of and mandolines and lanterns O how nice I said whatever I
liked he was going to do immediately if not sooner will you be my man
will you carry my can he ought to get a leather medal with a putty rim
for all the plans he invents then leaving us here all day youd never know
what old beggar at the door for a crust with his long story might be a
tramp and put his foot in the way to prevent me shutting it like that
picture of that hardened criminal he was called in Lloyds Weekly news 20
years in jail then he comes out and murders an old woman for her money
imagine his poor wife or mother or whoever she is such a face youd run
miles away from I couldnt rest easy till I bolted all the doors and
windows to make sure but its worse again being locked up like in a prison
or a madhouse they ought to be all shot or the cat of nine tails a big
brute like that that would attack a poor old woman to murder her in her
bed Id cut them off him so I would not that hed be much use still better
than nothing the night I was sure I heard burglars in the kitchen and he
went down in his shirt with a candle and a poker as if he was looking for
a mouse as white as a sheet frightened out of his wits making as much
noise as he possibly could for the burglars benefit there isnt much to
steal indeed the Lord knows still its the feeling especially now with
Milly away such an idea for him to send the girl down there to learn to
take photographs on account of his grandfather instead of sending her to
Skerrys academy where shed have to learn not like me getting all IS at
school only hed do a thing like that all the same on account of me and
Boylan thats why he did it Im certain the way he plots and plans
everything out I couldnt turn round with her in the place lately unless I
bolted the door first gave me the fidgets coming in without knocking
first when I put the chair against the door just as I was washing myself
there below with the glove get on your nerves then doing the loglady all
day put her in a glasscase with two at a time to look at her if he knew
she broke off the hand off that little gimcrack statue with her roughness
and carelessness before she left that I got that little Italian boy to
mend so that you cant see the join for 2 shillings wouldnt even teem the
potatoes for you of course shes right not to ruin her hands I noticed he
was always talking to her lately at the table explaining things in the
paper and she pretending to understand sly of course that comes from his
side of the house he cant say I pretend things can he Im too honest as a
matter of fact and helping her into her coat but if there was anything
wrong with her its me shed tell not him I suppose he thinks Im finished
out and laid on the shelf well Im not no nor anything like it well see
well see now shes well on for flirting too with Tom Devans two sons
imitating me whistling with those romps of Murray girls calling for her
can Milly come out please shes in great demand to pick what they can out
of her round in Nelson street riding Harry Devans bicycle at night its as
well he sent her where she is she was just getting out of bounds wanting
to go on the skatingrink and smoking their cigarettes through their nose
I smelt it off her dress when I was biting off the thread of the button I
sewed on to the bottom of her jacket she couldnt hide much from me I tell
you only I oughtnt to have stitched it and it on her it brings a parting
and the last plumpudding too split in 2 halves see it comes out no matter
what they say her tongue is a bit too long for my taste your blouse is
open too low she says to me the pan calling the kettle blackbottom and I
had to tell her not to cock her legs up like that on show on the
windowsill before all the people passing they all look at her like me
when I was her age of course any old rag looks well on you then a great
touchmenot too in her own way at the Only Way in the Theatre royal take
your foot away out of that I hate people touching me afraid of her life
Id crush her skirt with the pleats a lot of that touching must go on in
theatres in the crush in the dark theyre always trying to wiggle up to
you that fellow in the pit at the Gaiety for Beerbohm Tree in Trilby the
last time Ill ever go there to be squashed like that for any Trilby or
her barebum every two minutes tipping me there and looking away hes a bit
daft I think I saw him after trying to get near two stylishdressed ladies
outside Switzers window at the same little game I recognised him on the
moment the face and everything but he didnt remember me yes and she didnt
even want me to kiss her at the Broadstone going away well I hope shell
get someone to dance attendance on her the way I did when she was down
with the mumps and her glands swollen wheres this and wheres that of
course she cant feel anything deep yet I never came properly till I was
what 22 or so it went into the wrong place always only the usual girls
nonsense and giggling that Conny Connolly writing to her in white ink on
black paper sealed with sealingwax though she clapped when the curtain
came down because he looked so handsome then we had Martin Harvey for
breakfast dinner and supper I thought to myself afterwards it must be
real love if a man gives up his life for her that way for nothing I
suppose there are a few men like that left its hard to believe in it
though unless it really happened to me the majority of them with not a
particle of love in their natures to find two people like that nowadays
full up of each other that would feel the same way as you do theyre
usually a bit foolish in the head his father must have been a bit queer
to go and poison himself after her still poor old man I suppose he felt
lost shes always making love to my things too the few old rags I have
wanting to put her hair up at I S my powder too only ruin her skin on her
shes time enough for that all her life after of course shes restless
knowing shes pretty with her lips so red a pity they wont stay that way I
was too but theres no use going to the fair with the thing answering me
like a fishwoman when I asked to go for a half a stone of potatoes the
day we met Mrs Joe Gallaher at the trottingmatches and she pretended not
to see us in her trap with Friery the solicitor we werent grand enough
till I gave her 2 damn fine cracks across the ear for herself take that
now for answering me like that and that for your impudence she had me
that exasperated of course contradicting I was badtempered too because
how was it there was a weed in the tea or I didnt sleep the night before
cheese I ate was it and I told her over and over again not to leave
knives crossed like that because she has nobody to command her as she
said herself well if he doesnt correct her faith I will that was the last
time she turned on the teartap I was just like that myself they darent
order me about the place its his fault of course having the two of us
slaving here instead of getting in a woman long ago am I ever going to
have a proper servant again of course then shed see him coming Id have to
let her know or shed revenge it arent they a nuisance that old Mrs
Fleming you have to be walking round after her putting the things into
her hands sneezing and farting into the pots well of course shes old she
cant help it a good job I found that rotten old smelly dishcloth that got
lost behind the dresser I knew there was something and opened the area
window to let out the smell bringing in his friends to entertain them
like the night he walked home with a dog if you please that might have
been mad especially Simon Dedalus son his father such a criticiser with
his glasses up with his tall hat on him at the cricket match and a great
big hole in his sock one thing laughing at the other and his son that got
all those prizes for whatever he won them in the intermediate imagine
climbing over the railings if anybody saw him that knew us I wonder he
didnt tear a big hole in his grand funeral trousers as if the one nature
gave wasnt enough for anybody hawking him down into the dirty old kitchen
now is he right in his head I ask pity it wasnt washing day my old pair
of drawers might have been hanging up too on the line on exhibition for
all hed ever care with the ironmould mark the stupid old bundle burned on
them he might think was something else and she never even rendered down
the fat I told her and now shes going such as she was on account of her
paralysed husband getting worse theres always something wrong with them
disease or they have to go under an operation or if its not that its
drink and he beats her Ill have to hunt around again for someone every
day I get up theres some new thing on sweet God sweet God well when Im
stretched out dead in my grave I suppose 111 have some peace I want to
get up a minute if Im let wait O Jesus wait yes that thing has come on me
yes now wouldnt that afflict you of course all the poking and rooting and
ploughing he had up in me now what am I to do Friday Saturday Sunday
wouldnt that pester the soul out of a body unless he likes it some men do
God knows theres always something wrong with us 5 days every 3 or 4 weeks
usual monthly auction isnt it simply sickening that night it came on me
like that the one and only time we were in a box that Michael Gunn gave
him to see Mrs Kendal and her husband at the Gaiety something he did
about insurance for him in Drimmies I was fit to be tied though I wouldnt
give in with that gentleman of fashion staring down at me with his
glasses and him the other side of me talking about Spinoza and his soul
thats dead I suppose millions of years ago I smiled the best I could all
in a swamp leaning forward as if I was interested having to sit it out
then to the last tag I wont forget that wife of Scarli in a hurry
supposed to be a fast play about adultery that idiot in the gallery
hissing the woman adulteress he shouted I suppose he went and had a woman
in the next lane running round all the back ways after to make up for it
I wish he had what I had then hed boo I bet the cat itself is better off
than us have we too much blood up in us or what O patience above its
pouring out of me like the sea anyhow he didnt make me pregnant as big as
he is I dont want to ruin the clean sheets I just put on I suppose the
clean linen I wore brought it on too damn it damn it and they always want
to see a stain on the bed to know youre a virgin for them all thats
troubling them theyre such fools too you could be a widow or divorced 40
times over a daub of red ink would do or blackberry juice no thats too
purply O Jamesy let me up out of this pooh sweets of sin whoever
suggested that business for women what between clothes and cooking and
children this damned old bed too jingling like the dickens I suppose they
could hear us away over the other side of the park till I suggested to
put the quilt on the floor with the pillow under my bottom I wonder is it
nicer in the day I think it is easy I think Ill cut all this hair off me
there scalding me I might look like a young girl wouldnt he get the great
suckin the next time he turned up my clothes on me Id give anything to
see his face wheres the chamber gone easy Ive a holy horror of its
breaking under me after that old commode I wonder was I too heavy sitting
on his knee I made him sit on the easychair purposely when I took off
only my blouse and skirt first in the other room he was so busy where he
oughtnt to be he never felt me I hope my breath was sweet after those
kissing comfits easy God I remember one time I could scout it out
straight whistling like a man almost easy O Lord how noisy I hope theyre
bubbles on it for a wad of money from some fellow 111 have to perfume it
in the morning dont forget I bet he never saw a better pair of thighs
than that look how white they are the smoothest place is right there
between this bit here how soft like a peach easy God I wouldnt mind being
a man and get up on a lovely woman O Lord what a row youre making like
the jersey lily easy easy O how the waters come down at Lahore
who knows is there anything the matter with my insides or have I
something growing in me getting that thing like that every week when was
it last I Whit Monday yes its only about 3 weeks I ought to go to the
doctor only it would be like before I married him when I had that white
thing coming from me and Floey made me go to that dry old stick Dr
Collins for womens diseases on Pembroke road your vagina he called it I
suppose thats how he got all the gilt mirrors and carpets getting round
those rich ones off Stephens green running up to him for every little
fiddlefaddle her vagina and her cochinchina theyve money of course so
theyre all right I wouldnt marry him not if he was the last man in the
world besides theres something queer about their children always smelling
around those filthy bitches all sides asking me if what I did had an
offensive odour what did he want me to do but the one thing gold maybe
what a question if I smathered it all over his wrinkly old face for him
with all my compriments I suppose hed know then and could you pass it
easily pass what I thought he was talking about the rock of Gibraltar the
way he put it thats a very nice invention too by the way only I like
letting myself down after in the hole as far as I can squeeze and pull
the chain then to flush it nice cool pins and needles still theres
something in it I suppose I always used to know by Millys when she was a
child whether she had worms or not still all the same paying him for that
how much is that doctor one guinea please and asking me had I frequent
omissions where do those old fellows get all the words they have
omissions with his shortsighted eyes on me cocked sideways I wouldnt
trust him too far to give me chloroform or God knows what else still I
liked him when he sat down to write the thing out frowning so severe his
nose intelligent like that you be damned you lying strap O anything no
matter who except an idiot he was clever enough to spot that of course
that was all thinking of him and his mad crazy letters my Precious one
everything connected with your glorious Body everything underlined that
comes from it is a thing of beauty and of joy for ever something he got
out of some nonsensical book that he had me always at myself 4 and 5
times a day sometimes and I said I hadnt are you sure O yes I said I am
quite sure in a way that shut him up I knew what was coming next only
natural weakness it was he excited me I dont know how the first night
ever we met when I was living in Rehoboth terrace we stood staring at one
another for about lo minutes as if we met somewhere I suppose on account
of my being jewess looking after my mother he used to amuse me the things
he said with the half sloothering smile on him and all the Doyles said he
was going to stand for a member of Parliament O wasnt I the born fool to
believe all his blather about home rule and the land league sending me
that long strool of a song out of the Huguenots to sing in French to be
more classy O beau pays de la Touraine that I never even sang once
explaining and rigmaroling about religion and persecution he wont let you
enjoy anything naturally then might he as a great favour the very 1st
opportunity he got a chance in Brighton square running into my bedroom
pretending the ink got on his hands to wash it off with the Albion milk
and sulphur soap I used to use and the gelatine still round it O I
laughed myself sick at him that day I better not make an alnight sitting
on this affair they ought to make chambers a natural size so that a woman
could sit on it properly he kneels down to do it I suppose there isnt in
all creation another man with the habits he has look at the way hes
sleeping at the foot of the bed how can he without a hard bolster its
well he doesnt kick or he might knock out all my teeth breathing with his
hand on his nose like that Indian god he took me to show one wet Sunday
in the museum in Kildare street all yellow in a pinafore lying on his
side on his hand with his ten toes sticking out that he said was a bigger
religion than the jews and Our Lords both put together all over Asia
imitating him as hes always imitating everybody I suppose he used to
sleep at the foot of the bed too with his big square feet up in his wifes
mouth damn this stinking thing anyway wheres this those napkins are ah
yes I know I hope the old press doesnt creak ah I knew it would hes
sleeping hard had a good time somewhere still she must have given him
great value for his money of course he has to pay for it from her O this
nuisance of a thing I hope theyll have something better for us in the
other world tying ourselves up God help us thats all right for tonight
now the lumpy old jingly bed always reminds me of old Cohen I suppose he
scratched himself in it often enough and he thinks father bought it from
Lord Napier that I used to admire when I was a little girl because I told
him easy piano O I like my bed God here we are as bad as ever after 16
years how many houses were we in at all Raymond terrace and Ontario
terrace and Lombard street and Holles street and he goes about whistling
every time were on the run again his huguenots or the frogs march
pretending to help the men with our 4 sticks of furniture and then the
City Arms hotel worse and worse says Warden Daly that charming place on
the landing always somebody inside praying then leaving all their stinks
after them always know who was in there last every time were just getting
on right something happens or he puts his big foot in it Thoms and Helys
and Mr Cuffes and Drimmies either hes going to be run into prison over
his old lottery tickets that was to be all our salvations or he goes and
gives impudence well have him coming home with the sack soon out of the
Freeman too like the rest on account of those Sinner Fein or the
freemasons then well see if the little man he showed me dribbling along
in the wet all by himself round by Coadys lane will give him much
consolation that he says is so capable and sincerely Irish he is indeed
judging by the sincerity of the trousers I saw on him wait theres Georges
church bells wait 3 quarters the hour l wait 2 oclock well thats a nice
hour of the night for him to be coming home at to anybody climbing down
into the area if anybody saw him Ill knock him off that little habit
tomorrow first Ill look at his shirt to see or Ill see if he has that
French letter still in his pocketbook I suppose he thinks I dont know
deceitful men all their 20 pockets arent enough for their lies then why
should we tell them even if its the truth they dont believe you then
tucked up in bed like those babies in the Aristocrats Masterpiece he
brought me another time as if we hadnt enough of that in real life
without some old Aristocrat or whatever his name is disgusting you more
with those rotten pictures children with two heads and no legs thats the
kind of villainy theyre always dreaming about with not another thing in
their empty heads they ought to get slow poison the half of them then tea
and toast for him buttered on both sides and newlaid eggs I suppose Im
nothing any more when I wouldnt let him lick me in Holles street one
night man man tyrant as ever for the one thing he slept on the floor half
the night naked the way the jews used when somebody dies belonged to them
and wouldnt eat any breakfast or speak a word wanting to be petted so I
thought I stood out enough for one time and let him he does it all wrong
too thinking only of his own pleasure his tongue is too flat or I dont
know what he forgets that wethen I dont Ill make him do it again if he
doesnt mind himself and lock him down to sleep in the coalcellar with the
blackbeetles I wonder was it her Josie off her head with my castoffs hes
such a born liar too no hed never have the courage with a married woman
thats why he wants me and Boylan though as for her Denis as she calls him
that forlornlooking spectacle you couldnt call him a husband yes its some
little bitch hes got in with even when I was with him with Milly at the
College races that Hornblower with the childs bonnet on the top of his
nob let us into by the back way he was throwing his sheeps eyes at those
two doing skirt duty up and down I tried to wink at him first no use of
course and thats the way his money goes this is the fruits of Mr Paddy
Dignam yes they were all in great style at the grand funeral in the paper
Boylan brought in if they saw a real officers funeral thatd be something
reversed arms muffled drums the poor horse walking behind in black L Boom
and Tom Kernan that drunken little barrelly man that bit his tongue off
falling down the mens W C drunk in some place or other and Martin
Cunningham and the two Dedaluses and Fanny MCoys husband white head of
cabbage skinny thing with a turn in her eye trying to sing my songs shed
want to be born all over again and her old green dress with the lowneck
as she cant attract them any other way like dabbling on a rainy day I see
it all now plainly and they call that friendship killing and then burying
one another and they all with their wives and families at home more
especially Jack Power keeping that barmaid he does of course his wife is
always sick or going to be sick or just getting better of it and hes a
goodlooking man still though hes getting a bit grey over the ears theyre
a nice lot all of them well theyre not going to get my husband again into
their clutches if I can help it making fun of him then behind his back I
know well when he goes on with his idiotics because he has sense enough
not to squander every penny piece he earns down their gullets and looks
after his wife and family goodfornothings poor Paddy Dignam all the same
Im sorry in a way for him what are his wife and 5 children going to do
unless he was insured comical little teetotum always stuck up in some pub
corner and her or her son waiting Bill Bailey wont you please come home
her widows weeds wont improve her appearance theyre awfully becoming
though if youre goodlooking what men wasnt he yes he was at the Glencree
dinner and Ben Dollard base barreltone the night he borrowed the
swallowtail to sing out of in Holles street squeezed and squashed into
them and grinning all over his big Dolly face like a wellwhipped childs
botty didnt he look a balmy ballocks sure enough that must have been a
spectacle on the stage imagine paying 5/- in the preserved seats for that
to see him trotting off in his trowlers and Simon Dedalus too he was
always turning up half screwed singing the second verse first the old
love is the new was one of his so sweetly sang the maiden on the hawthorn
bough he was always on for flirtyfying too when I sang Maritana with him
at Freddy Mayers private opera he had a delicious glorious voice Phoebe
dearest goodbye sweetheart SWEETheart he always sang it not like Bartell
Darcy sweet tart goodbye of course he had the gift of the voice so there
was no art in it all over you like a warm showerbath O Maritana wildwood
flower we sang splendidly though it was a bit too high for my register
even transposed and he was married at the time to May Goulding but then
hed say or do something to knock the good out of it hes a widower now I
wonder what sort is his son he says hes an author and going to be a
university professor of Italian and Im to take lessons what is he driving
at now showing him my photo its not good of me I ought to have got it
taken in drapery that never looks out of fashion still I look young in it
I wonder he didnt make him a present of it altogether and me too after
all why not I saw him driving down to the Kingsbridge station with his
father and mother I was in mourning thats 11 years ago now yes hed be 11
though what was the good in going into mourning for what was neither one
thing nor the other the first cry was enough for me I heard the
deathwatch too ticking in the wall of course he insisted hed go into
mourning for the cat I suppose hes a man now by this time he was an
innocent boy then and a darling little fellow in his lord Fauntleroy suit
and curly hair like a prince on the stage when I saw him at Mat Dillons
he liked me too I remember they all do wait by God yes wait yes hold on
he was on the cards this morning when I laid out the deck union with a
young stranger neither dark nor fair you met before I thought it meant
him but hes no chicken nor a stranger either besides my face was turned
the other way what was the 7th card after that the 10 of spades for a
journey by land then there was a letter on its way and scandals too the 3
queens and the 8 of diamonds for a rise in society yes wait it all came
out and 2 red 8s for new garments look at that and didnt I dream
something too yes there was something about poetry in it I hope he hasnt
long greasy hair hanging into his eyes or standing up like a red Indian
what do they go about like that for only getting themselves and their
poetry laughed at I always liked poetry when I was a girl first I thought
he was a poet like lord Byron and not an ounce of it in his composition I
thought he was quite different I wonder is he too young hes about wait 88
I was married 88 Milly is 15 yesterday 89 what age was he then at Dillons
5 or 6 about 88 I suppose hes 20 or more Im not too old for him if hes 23
or 24 I hope hes not that stuckup university student sort no otherwise he
wouldnt go sitting down in the old kitchen with him taking Eppss cocoa
and talking of course he pretended to understand it all probably he told
him he was out of Trinity college hes very young to be a professor I hope
hes not a professor like Goodwin was he was a potent professor of John
Jameson they all write about some woman in their poetry well I suppose he
wont find many like me where softly sighs of love the light guitar where
poetry is in the air the blue sea and the moon shining so beautifully
coming back on the nightboat from Tarifa the lighthouse at Europa point
the guitar that fellow played was so expressive will I ever go back there
again all new faces two glancing eyes a lattice hid Ill sing that for him
theyre my eyes if hes anything of a poet two eyes as darkly bright as
loves own star arent those beautiful words as loves young star itll be a
change the Lord knows to have an intelligent person to talk to about
yourself not always listening to him and Billy Prescotts ad and Keyess ad
and Tom the Devils ad then if anything goes wrong in their business we
have to suffer Im sure hes very distinguished Id like to meet a man like
that God not those other ruck besides hes young those fine young men I
could see down in Margate strand bathingplace from the side of the rock
standing up in the sun naked like a God or something and then plunging
into the sea with them why arent all men like that thered be some
consolation for a woman like that lovely little statue he bought I could
look at him all day long curly head and his shoulders his finger up for
you to listen theres real beauty and poetry for you I often felt I wanted
to kiss him all over also his lovely young cock there so simple I wouldnt
mind taking him in my mouth if nobody was looking as if it was asking you
to suck it so clean and white he looks with his boyish face I would too
in 1/2 a minute even if some of it went down what its only like gruel or
the dew theres no danger besides hed be so clean compared with those pigs
of men I suppose never dream of washing it from I years end to the other
the most of them only thats what gives the women the moustaches Im sure
itll be grand if I can only get in with a handsome young poet at my age
Ill throw them the 1st thing in the morning till I see if the wishcard
comes out or Ill try pairing the lady herself and see if he comes out Ill
read and study all I can find or learn a bit off by heart if I knew who
he likes so he wont think me stupid if he thinks all women are the same
and I can teach him the other part Ill make him feel all over him till he
half faints under me then hell write about me lover and mistress publicly
too with our 2 photographs in all the papers when he becomes famous O but
then what am I going to do about him though
no thats no way for him has he no manners nor no refinement nor no
nothing in his nature slapping us behind like that on my bottom because I
didnt call him Hugh the ignoramus that doesnt know poetry from a cabbage
thats what you get for not keeping them in their proper place pulling off
his shoes and trousers there on the chair before me so barefaced without
even asking permission and standing out that vulgar way in the half of a
shirt they wear to be admired like a priest or a butcher or those old
hypocrites in the time of Julius Caesar of course hes right enough in his
way to pass the time as a joke sure you might as well be in bed with what
with a lion God Im sure hed have something better to say for himself an
old Lion would O well I suppose its because they were so plump and
tempting in my short petticoat he couldnt resist they excite myself
sometimes its well for men all the amount of pleasure they get off a
womans body were so round and white for them always I wished I was one
myself for a change just to try with that thing they have swelling up on
you so hard and at the same time so soft when you touch it my uncle John
has a thing long I heard those cornerboys saying passing the comer of
Marrowbone lane my aunt Mary has a thing hairy because it was dark and
they knew a girl was passing it didnt make me blush why should it either
its only nature and he puts his thing long into my aunt Marys hairy
etcetera and turns out to be you put the handle in a sweepingbrush men
again all over they can pick and choose what they please a married woman
or a fast widow or a girl for their different tastes like those houses
round behind Irish street no but were to be always chained up theyre not
going to be chaining me up no damn fear once I start I tell you for their
stupid husbands jealousy why cant we all remain friends over it instead
of quarrelling her husband found it out what they did together well
naturally and if he did can he undo it hes coronado anyway whatever he
does and then he going to the other mad extreme about the wife in Fair
Tyrants of course the man never even casts a 2nd thought on the husband
or wife either its the woman he wants and he gets her what else were we
given all those desires for Id like to know I cant help it if Im young
still can I its a wonder Im not an old shrivelled hag before my time
living with him so cold never embracing me except sometimes when hes
asleep the wrong end of me not knowing I suppose who he has any man thatd
kiss a womans bottom Id throw my hat at him after that hed kiss anything
unnatural where we havent I atom of any kind of expression in us all of
us the same 2 lumps of lard before ever Id do that to a man pfooh the
dirty brutes the mere thought is enough I kiss the feet of you senorita
theres some sense in that didnt he kiss our halldoor yes he did what a
madman nobody understands his cracked ideas but me still of course a
woman wants to be embraced 20 times a day almost to make her look young
no matter by who so long as to be in love or loved by somebody if the
fellow you want isnt there sometimes by the Lord God I was thinking would
I go around by the quays there some dark evening where nobodyd know me
and pick up a sailor off the sea thatd be hot on for it and not care a
pin whose I was only do it off up in a gate somewhere or one of those
wildlooking gipsies in Rathfarnham had their camp pitched near the
Bloomfield laundry to try and steal our things if they could I only sent
mine there a few times for the name model laundry sending me back over
and over some old ones odd stockings that blackguardlooking fellow with
the fine eyes peeling a switch attack me in the dark and ride me up
against the wall without a word or a murderer anybody what they do
themselves the fine gentlemen in their silk hats that K C lives up
somewhere this way coming out of Hardwicke lane the night he gave us the
fish supper on account of winning over the boxing match of course it was
for me he gave it I knew him by his gaiters and the walk and when I
turned round a minute after just to see there was a woman after coming
out of it too some filthy prostitute then he goes home to his wife after
that only I suppose the half of those sailors are rotten again with
disease O move over your big carcass out of that for the love of Mike
listen to him the winds that waft my sighs to thee so well he may sleep
and sigh the great Suggester Don Poldo de la Flora if he knew how he came
out on the cards this morning hed have something to sigh for a dark man
in some perplexity between 2 7s too in prison for Lord knows what he does
that I dont know and Im to be slooching around down in the kitchen to get
his lordship his breakfast while hes rolled up like a mummy will I indeed
did you ever see me running Id just like to see myself at it show them
attention and they treat you like dirt I dont care what anybody says itd
be much better for the world to be governed by the women in it you
wouldnt see women going and killing one another and slaughtering when do
you ever see women rolling around drunk like they do or gambling every
penny they have and losing it on horses yes because a woman whatever she
does she knows where to stop sure they wouldnt be in the world at all
only for us they dont know what it is to be a woman and a mother how
could they where would they all of them be if they hadnt all a mother to
look after them what I never had thats why I suppose hes running wild now
out at night away from his books and studies and not living at home on
account of the usual rowy house I suppose well its a poor case that those
that have a fine son like that theyre not satisfied and I none was he not
able to make one it wasnt my fault we came together when I was watching
the two dogs up in her behind in the middle of the naked street that
disheartened me altogether I suppose I oughtnt to have buried him in that
little woolly jacket I knitted crying as I was but give it to some poor
child but I knew well Id never have another our 1st death too it was we
were never the same since O Im not going to think myself into the glooms
about that any more I wonder why he wouldnt stay the night I felt all the
time it was somebody strange he brought in instead of roving around the
city meeting God knows who nightwalkers and pickpockets his poor mother
wouldnt like that if she was alive ruining himself for life perhaps still
its a lovely hour so silent I used to love coming home after dances the
air of the night they have friends they can talk to weve none either he
wants what he wont get or its some woman ready to stick her knife in you
I hate that in women no wonder they treat us the way they do we are a
dreadful lot of bitches I suppose its all the troubles we have makes us
so snappy Im not like that he could easy have slept in there on the sofa
in the other room I suppose he was as shy as a boy he being so young
hardly 20 of me in the next room hed have heard me on the chamber arrah
what harm Dedalus I wonder its like those names in Gibraltar Delapaz
Delagracia they had the devils queer names there father Vilaplana of
Santa Maria that gave me the rosary Rosales y OReilly in the Calle las
Siete Revueltas and Pisimbo and Mrs Opisso in Governor street O what a
name Id go and drown myself in the first river if I had a name like her O
my and all the bits of streets Paradise ramp and Bedlam ramp and Rodgers
ramp and Crutchetts ramp and the devils gap steps well small blame to me
if I am a harumscarum I know I am a bit I declare to God I dont feel a
day older than then I wonder could I get my tongue round any of the
Spanish como esta usted muy bien gracias y usted see I havent forgotten
it all I thought I had only for the grammar a noun is the name of any
person place or thing pity I never tried to read that novel cantankerous
Mrs Rubio lent me by Valera with the questions in it all upside down the
two ways I always knew wed go away in the end I can tell him the Spanish
and he tell me the Italian then hell see Im not so ignorant what a pity
he didnt stay Im sure the poor fellow was dead tired and wanted a good
sleep badly I could have brought him in his breakfast in bed with a bit
of toast so long as I didnt do it on the knife for bad luck or if the
woman was going her rounds with the watercress and something nice and
tasty there are a few olives in the kitchen he might like I never could
bear the look of them in Abrines I could do the criada the room looks all
right since I changed it the other way you see something was telling me
all the time Id have to introduce myself not knowing me from Adam very
funny wouldnt it Im his wife or pretend we were in Spain with him half
awake without a Gods notion where he is dos huevos estrellados senor Lord
the cracked things come into my head sometimes itd be great fun supposing
he stayed with us why not theres the room upstairs empty and Millys bed
in the back room he could do his writing and studies at the table in
there for all the scribbling he does at it and if he wants to read in bed
in the morning like me as hes making the breakfast for I he can make it
for 2 Im sure Im not going to take in lodgers off the street for him if
he takes a gesabo of a house like this Id love to have a long talk with
an intelligent welleducated person Id have to get a nice pair of red
slippers like those Turks with the fez used to sell or yellow and a nice
semitransparent morning gown that I badly want or a peachblossom dressing
jacket like the one long ago in Walpoles only 8/6 or 18/6 Ill just give
him one more chance Ill get up early in the morning Im sick of Cohens old
bed in any case I might go over to the markets to see all the vegetables
and cabbages and tomatoes and carrots and all kinds of splendid fruits
all coming in lovely and fresh who knows whod be the 1st man Id meet
theyre out looking for it in the morning Mamy Dillon used to say they are
and the night too that was her massgoing Id love a big juicy pear now to
melt in your mouth like when I used to be in the longing way then Ill
throw him up his eggs and tea in the moustachecup she gave him to make
his mouth bigger I suppose hed like my nice cream too I know what Ill do
Ill go about rather gay not too much singing a bit now and then mi fa
pieta Masetto then Ill start dressing myself to go out presto non son piu
forte Ill put on my best shift and drawers let him have a good eyeful out
of that to make his micky stand for him Ill let him know if thats what he
wanted that his wife is I s l o fucked yes and damn well fucked too up to
my neck nearly not by him 5 or 6 times handrunning theres the mark of his
spunk on the clean sheet I wouldnt bother to even iron it out that ought
to satisfy him if you dont believe me feel my belly unless I made him
stand there and put him into me Ive a mind to tell him every scrap and
make him do it out in front of me serve him right its all his own fault
if I am an adulteress as the thing in the gallery said O much about it if
thats all the harm ever we did in this vale of tears God knows its not
much doesnt everybody only they hide it I suppose thats what a woman is
supposed to be there for or He wouldnt have made us the way He did so
attractive to men then if he wants to kiss my bottom Ill drag open my
drawers and bulge it right out in his face as large as life he can stick
his tongue 7 miles up my hole as hes there my brown part then Ill tell
him I want LI or perhaps 30/- Ill tell him I want to buy underclothes
then if he gives me that well he wont be too bad I dont want to soak it
all out of him like other women do I could often have written out a fine
cheque for myself and write his name on it for a couple of pounds a few
times he forgot to lock it up besides he wont spend it Ill let him do it
off on me behind provided he doesnt smear all my good drawers O I suppose
that cant be helped Ill do the indifferent l or 2 questions Ill know by
the answers when hes like that he cant keep a thing back I know every
turn in him Ill tighten my bottom well and let out a few smutty words
smellrump or lick my shit or the first mad thing comes into my head then
Ill suggest about yes O wait now sonny my turn is coming Ill be quite gay
and friendly over it O but I was forgetting this bloody pest of a thing
pfooh you wouldnt know which to laugh or cry were such a mixture of plum
and apple no Ill have to wear the old things so much the better itll be
more pointed hell never know whether he did it or not there thats good
enough for you any old thing at all then Ill wipe him off me just like a
business his omission then Ill go out Ill have him eying up at the
ceiling where is she gone now make him want me thats the only way a
quarter after what an unearthly hour I suppose theyre just getting up in
China now combing out their pigtails for the day well soon have the nuns
ringing the angelus theyve nobody coming in to spoil their sleep except
an odd priest or two for his night office or the alarmclock next door at
cockshout clattering the brains out of itself let me see if I can doze
off 1 2 3 4 5 what kind of flowers are those they invented like the stars
the wallpaper in Lombard street was much nicer the apron he gave me was
like that something only I only wore it twice better lower this lamp and
try again so as I can get up early Ill go to Lambes there beside
Findlaters and get them to send us some flowers to put about the place in
case he brings him home tomorrow today I mean no no Fridays an unlucky
day first I want to do the place up someway the dust grows in it I think
while Im asleep then we can have music and cigarettes I can accompany him
first I must clean the keys of the piano with milk whatll I wear shall I
wear a white rose or those fairy cakes in Liptons I love the smell of a
rich big shop at 7 1/2d a lb or the other ones with the cherries in them
and the pinky sugar 11d a couple of lbs of those a nice plant for the
middle of the table Id get that cheaper in wait wheres this I saw them
not long ago I love flowers Id love to have the whole place swimming in
roses God of heaven theres nothing like nature the wild mountains then
the sea and the waves rushing then the beautiful country with the fields
of oats and wheat and all kinds of things and all the fine cattle going
about that would do your heart good to see rivers and lakes and flowers
all sorts of shapes and smells and colours springing up even out of the
ditches primroses and violets nature it is as for them saying theres no
God I wouldnt give a snap of my two fingers for all their learning why
dont they go and create something I often asked him atheists or whatever
they call themselves go and wash the cobbles off themselves first then
they go howling for the priest and they dying and why why because theyre
afraid of hell on account of their bad conscience ah yes I know them well
who was the first person in the universe before there was anybody that
made it all who ah that they dont know neither do I so there you are they
might as well try to stop the sun from rising tomorrow the sun shines for
you he said the day we were lying among the rhododendrons on Howth head
in the grey tweed suit and his straw hat the day I got him to propose to
me yes first I gave him the bit of seedcake out of my mouth and it was
leapyear like now yes 16 years ago my God after that long kiss I near
lost my breath yes he said I was a flower of the mountain yes so we are
flowers all a womans body yes that was one true thing he said in his life
and the sun shines for you today yes that was why I liked him because I
saw he understood or felt what a woman is and I knew I could always get
round him and I gave him all the pleasure I could leading him on till he
asked me to say yes and I wouldnt answer first only looked out over the
sea and the sky I was thinking of so many things he didnt know of Mulvey
and Mr Stanhope and Hester and father and old captain Groves and the
sailors playing all birds fly and I say stoop and washing up dishes they
called it on the pier and the sentry in front of the governors house with
the thing round his white helmet poor devil half roasted and the Spanish
girls laughing in their shawls and their tall combs and the auctions in
the morning the Greeks and the jews and the Arabs and the devil knows who
else from all the ends of Europe and Duke street and the fowl market all
clucking outside Larby Sharons and the poor donkeys slipping half asleep
and the vague fellows in the cloaks asleep in the shade on the steps and
the big wheels of the carts of the bulls and the old castle thousands of
years old yes and those handsome Moors all in white and turbans like
kings asking you to sit down in their little bit of a shop and Ronda with
the old windows of the posadas 2 glancing eyes a lattice hid for her
lover to kiss the iron and the wineshops half open at night and the
castanets and the night we missed the boat at Algeciras the watchman
going about serene with his lamp and O that awful deepdown torrent O and
the sea the sea crimson sometimes like fire and the glorious sunsets and
the figtrees in the Alameda gardens yes and all the queer little streets
and the pink and blue and yellow houses and the rosegardens and the
jessamine and geraniums and cactuses and Gibraltar as a girl where I was
a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the
Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me
under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then
I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I
yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes
and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and
his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.
Trieste-Zurich-Paris
1914-1921
_______
Content of -- III -- Part 18
THE END.
Ulysses, a novel by James Joyce. _