_ CHAPTER X
"Oh, thou that pinest in the imprisonment of the Actual, and criest bitterly to the gods for a kingdom wherein to rule and create, know this of a truth, the thing thou seekest is already with thee, 'here or nowhere,' couldst thou only see!"--Carlyle.
The very next morning the letter was written and the money sent for the new paper.
Mrs. Reade came over on one of her bird-like errands, and of course, must hear something of the great help that had come so unexpectedly.
"How fortunate it came just now, for I have noticed several weeks you have been losing courage, and as for myself, I don't seem to know what to do in any case any more," she exclaimed, after hearing a few extracts read from the paper. "Now you will find out who the teacher is and--"
"I shall go away to take lessons as soon as possible," interrupted Mrs. Hayden. "Yes, I must go," she continued, "and see what there is in it. I have already experienced too much physically and spiritually to be able to give it up."
"Indeed, you have certainly had as much of a proof as one could wish. If I could only do as much as you have, I should feel that it would be better to go without many other things rather than this."
Mrs. Reade forgot that she had been able to keep little May in perfect health; that she herself had ceased worrying over trifles and learned to make the best of everything. To her, the change had been so gradual that she hardly knew in what it consisted. In the meetings held by the few who were interested she had, unconsciously almost, given many glimpses of her private efforts and success, which showed how faithfully she used what light she had.
"I wonder what Mrs. Grant would say to this," she resumed, after looking over the paper. "I think she ought to take this paper, too. Of course, I expect to read yours," with an arch smile.
"As you certainly may, I will let you have this number this afternoon; I can't spare it yet. You can't imagine the abyss I fell into yesterday. It seemed that I had not only lost the ability to hold myself up, but the self respect that would help to regain my footing."
"'It is always darkest before the dawn', they say," quoted Mrs. Reade, merrily, "and now the dawn of our delivery is at hand, we shall know what to do before the twilight comes again. But I came after your jelly mold and must not stand here all day talking about things so utterly unlike--well, good-bye! I can hardly tear myself away when I talk with you," and she ran out with a gay smile.
Nearly every week these last few months Mrs. Hayden, Mrs. Reade, Mrs. Grant and occasionally one or two others had met to read and talk on the all-absorbing topic and gain confidence and strength by an exchange of ideas and experiences; but they knew not how to draw from the fountain of knowledge itself, and while they had learned much and gained much, there was a lack which, in the moment of trial, they knew not how to supply.
In a few days Mrs. Hayden received the coveted information as to the identity of the wonderful teacher, and that she was to teach several classes in Marlow, only two hundred miles away, which quite set her on fire with impatience to go at once.
But circumstances were not propitious. There were many details to be arranged, much to be considered. What should be done with the children? Could she afford it? What could she wear? In her eagerness she could have overcome every obstacle within an hour, but her better judgment told her to be patient a little longer, a decision her husband quite approved.
In the meantime she tried to live more faithfully up to the light she had received, but the first flush of faith that had brought forth the works, seemed gone, and she knew not how to bring it back. Not that she was not just as earnest, not that she had lost a whit of her faith or interest, but the fire of impulse, unclouded by doubt, had disappeared. She thought about it every leisure moment, but concluded at last to let go such intense effort that must necessarily be blind, and live more in the "holy carelessness of the eternal Now," as George MacDonald so beautifully expressed it in his book she was reading.
In one respect she fared as comparatively few women do, who hunger after spiritual things; she had her husband's full sympathy and co-operation. Afterward, when she had seen more of the world and knew more about other women's lives, she realized the value of it, realized that without it she would have starved before she could have feasted. Oh, the sweet influence of a sympathy that unites and harmonizes two natures, no matter how opposite in character and tendencies. _