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Part One, Chapter 4 - WHAT ENGLAND THOUGHT OF IT
Such a state of affairs, disturbing enough in itself, was rendered
still more disquieting by the fact that, except for the Boy Scouts,
England's military strength at this time was practically nil.
The abolition of the regular army had been the first step. Several
causes had contributed to this. In the first place, the Socialists had
condemned the army system as unsocial. Privates, they pointed out, were
forbidden to hob-nob with colonels, though the difference in their
positions was due to a mere accident of birth. They demanded that every
man in the army should be a general. Comrade Quelch, in an eloquent
speech at Newington Butts, had pointed, amidst enthusiasm, to the
republics of South America, where the system worked admirably.
Scotland, too, disapproved of the army, because it was professional.
Mr. Smith wrote several trenchant letters to Mr. C. J. B. Marriott on
the subject.
So the army was abolished, and the land defence of the country
entrusted entirely to the Territorials, the Legion of Frontiersmen, and
the Boy Scouts.
But first the Territorials dropped out. The strain of being referred to
on the music-hall stage as Teddy-boys was too much for them.
Then the Frontiersmen were disbanded. They had promised well at the
start, but they had never been themselves since La Milo had been
attacked by the Manchester Watch Committee. It had taken all the heart
out of them.
So that in the end England's defenders were narrowed down to the
Boy Scouts, of whom Clarence Chugwater was the pride, and a large
civilian population, prepared, at any moment, to turn out for their
country's sake and wave flags. A certain section of these, too, could
sing patriotic songs.
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It was inevitable, in the height of the Silly Season, that such a topic
as the simultaneous invasion of Great Britain by nine foreign powers
should be seized upon by the press. Countless letters poured into the
offices of the London daily papers every morning. Space forbids more
than the gist of a few of these.
Miss Charlesworth wrote:--"In this crisis I see no alternative. I shall
disappear."
Mr. Horatio Bottomley, in _John Bull_, said that there was some
very dirty and underhand work going on, and that the secret history of
the invasion would be published shortly. He himself, however, preferred
any invader, even the King of Bollygolla, to some K.C.'s he could name,
though he was fond of dear old Muir. He wanted to know why Inspector
Drew had retired.
The _Daily Express_, in a thoughtful leader, said that Free Trade
evidently meant invaders for all.
Mr. Herbert Gladstone, writing to the _Times_, pointed out that he
had let so many undesirable aliens into the country that he did not see
that a few more made much difference.
Mr. George R. Sims made eighteen puns on the names of the invading
generals in the course of one number of "Mustard and Cress."
Mr. H. G. Pelissier urged the public to look on the bright side. There
was a sun still shining in the sky. Besides, who knew that some foreign
marksman might not pot the censor?
Mr. Robert FitzSimmons offered to take on any of the invading generals,
or all of them, and if he didn't beat them it would only be because the
referee had a wife and seven small children and had asked him as a
personal favour to let himself be knocked out. He had lost several
fights that way.
The directors of the Crystal Palace wrote a circular letter to the
shareholders, pointing out that there was a good time coming. With this
addition to the public, the Palace stood a sporting chance of once more
finding itself full.
Judge Willis asked: "What is an invasion?"
Signor Scotti cabled anxiously from America (prepaid): "Stands Scotland
where it did?"
Mr. Lewis Waller wrote heroically: "How many of them are there? I am
usually good for about half a dozen. Are they assassins? I can tackle
any number of assassins."
Mr. Seymour Hicks said he hoped they would not hurt George Edwardes.
Mr. George Edwardes said that if they injured Seymour Hicks in any way
he would never smile again.
A writer in _Answers_ pointed out that, if all the invaders in the
country were piled in a heap, they would reach some of the way to the
moon.
Far-seeing men took a gloomy view of the situation. They laid stress on
the fact that this counter-attraction was bound to hit first-class
cricket hard. For some years gates had shown a tendency to fall off,
owing to the growing popularity of golf, tennis, and other games. The
desire to see the invaders as they marched through the country must
draw away thousands who otherwise would have paid their sixpences at
the turnstiles. It was suggested that representations should be made to
the invading generals with a view to inducing them to make a small
charge to sightseers.
In sporting circles the chief interest centered on the race to London.
The papers showed the positions of the various armies each morning in
their Runners and Betting columns; six to four on the Germans was
freely offered, but found no takers.
Considerable interest was displayed in the probable behaviour of the
nine armies when they met. The situation was a curious outcome of the
modern custom of striking a deadly blow before actually declaring war.
Until the moment when the enemy were at her doors, England had imagined
that she was on terms of the most satisfactory friendship with her
neighbours. The foe had taken full advantage of this, and also of the
fact that, owing to a fit of absent-mindedness on the part of the
Government, England had no ships afloat which were not entirely
obsolete. Interviewed on the subject by representatives of the daily
papers, the Government handsomely admitted that it was perhaps in
some ways a silly thing to have done; but, they urged, you could not
think of everything. Besides, they were on the point of laying down a
_Dreadnought_, which would be ready in a very few years. Meanwhile,
the best thing the public could do was to sleep quietly in their beds.
It was Fisher's tip; and Fisher was a smart man.
And all the while the Invaders' Marathon continued.
Who would be the first to reach London?
Content of Part One Chapter 4 - WHAT ENGLAND THOUGHT OF IT [P G Wodehouse's novel: The Swoop! or How Clarence Saved England]
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