_ BOOK FIRST CHAPTER VIII
While the parson and his wife are entertaining their guest, I propose to regale the reader with a small treatise a propos of that "Charles dear," murmured by Mrs. Dale,--a treatise expressly written for the benefit of The Domestic Circle.
It is an old jest that there is not a word in the language that conveys so little endearment as the word "dear." But though the saying itself, like most truths, be trite and hackneyed, no little novelty remains to the search of the inquirer into the varieties of inimical import comprehended in that malign monosyllable. For instance, I submit to the experienced that the degree of hostility it betrays is in much proportioned to its collocation in the sentence. When, gliding indirectly through the rest of the period, it takes its stand at the close, as in that "Charles dear" of Mrs. Dale, it has spilled so much of its natural bitterness by the way that it assumes even a smile, "amara lento temperet risu." Sometimes the smile is plaintive, sometimes arch. For example:--
(Plaintive.) "I know very well that whatever I do is wrong, Charles dear."
"Nay, I am very glad you amused yourself so much without me, Charles dear."
"Not quite so loud! If you had but my poor head, Charles dear," etc.
(Arch.) "If you could spill the ink anywhere but on the best tablecloth, Charles dear!"
"But though you must always have your own way, you are not quite faultless, own, Charles dear," etc.
When the enemy stops in the middle of the sentence, its venom is naturally less exhausted. For example:--
"Really, I must say, Charles dear, that you are the most fidgety person," etc.
"And if the house bills were so high last week, Charles dear, I should just like to know whose fault it was--that's all."
"But you know, Charles dear, that you care no more for me and the children than--" etc.
But if the fatal word spring up, in its primitive freshness, at the head of the sentence, bow your head to the storm. It then assumes the majesty of "my" before it; it is generally more than simple objurgation,--it prefaces a sermon. My candour obliges me to confess that this is the mode in which the hateful monosyllable is more usually employed by the marital part of the one flesh; and has something about it of the odious assumption of the Petruchian paterfamilias--the head of the family--boding, not perhaps "peace and love, and quiet life," but certainly "awful rule and right supremacy." For example:--
"My dear Jane, I wish you would just put by that everlasting crochet, and listen to me for a few moments," etc. "My dear Jane, I wish you would understand me for once; don't think I am angry,--no, but I am hurt! You must consider," etc.
"My dear Jane, I don't know if it is your intention to ruin me; but I only wish you would do as all other women do who care three straws for their husband's property," etc.
"My dear Jane, I wish you to understand that I am the last person in the world to be jealous; but I'll be d---d if that puppy, Captain Prettyman," etc.
Now, few so carefully cultivate the connubial garden, as to feel much surprise at the occasional sting of a homely nettle or two; but who ever expected, before entering that garden, to find himself pricked and lacerated by an insidious exotical "dear," which he had been taught to believe only lived in a hothouse, along with myrtles and other tender and sensitive shrubs which poets appropriate to Venus? Nevertheless Parson Dale, being a patient man, and a pattern to all husbands, would have found no fault with his garden, though there had not been a single specimen of "dear,"--whether the dear humilis or the dear superba; the dear pallida, rubra, or nigra; the dear suavis or the dear horrida,--no, not a single "dear" in the whole horticulture of matrimony, which Mrs. Dale had not brought to perfection. But this was far from being the case; Mrs. Dale, living much in retirement, was unaware of the modern improvements, in variety of colour and sharpness of prickle, which have rewarded the persevering skill of our female florists. _