_ PART I. THE CITY. CHAPTER VI
"I never thought a nice girl could be in love with a man who is bad, and I s'pose Walter is bad. Kind of. But maybe he'll become good."
So Una simple-heartedly reflected on her way to the Subway next morning. She could not picture what he would do, now that it was hard, dry day again, and all the world panted through dusty streets. And she recklessly didn't care. For Walter was not hard and dry and dusty; and she was going to see him again! Sometimes she was timorous about seeing him, because he had read the longing in her face, had known her soul with its garments thrown away. But, timorous or not, she had to see him; she would never let him go, now that he had made her care for him.
Walter was not in sight when she entered the offices, and she was instantly swept into the routine. Not clasping hands beguiled her, but lists to copy, typing errors to erase, and the irritating adjustment of a shift-key which fiendishly kept falling. For two hours she did not see him.
About ten-thirty she was aware that he was prosaically strolling toward her.
Hundreds of times, in secret maiden speculations about love, the girl Una had surmised that it would be embarrassing to meet a man the morning after you had yielded to his caress. It had been perplexing--one of those mysteries of love over which virgins brood between chapters of novels, of which they diffidently whisper to other girls when young married friends are amazingly going to have a baby. But she found it natural to smile up at Walter.... In this varnished, daytime office neither of them admitted their madness of meeting hands.
He merely stooped over her desk and said, sketchily, "Mornin', little Goldie."
Then for hours he seemed to avoid her. She was afraid. Most of all, afraid of her own desire to go to him and wail that he was avoiding her.
At three o'clock, when the office tribe accept with naive gratitude any excuse to talk, to stop and tell one another a new joke, to rush to the window and critically view a parade, Una saw that Walter was beginning to hover near her. She was angry that he did not come straight to her. He did not seem quite to know whether he wanted her or not. But her face was calm above her typing while she watched him peer at her over the shoulder of S. Herbert Ross, to whom he was talking. He drew nearer to her. He examined a poster. She was oblivious of him. She was conscious that he was trying to find an excuse to say something without openly admitting to the ever-spying row of stenographers that he was interested in her. He wambled up to her at last and asked for a letter she had filed for him. She knew from the casual-looking drop of his eyes that he was peering at the triangle of her clear-skinned throat, and for his peeping uneasiness she rather despised him. She could fancy herself shouting at him, "Oh, stop fidgeting! Make up your mind whether you like me or not, and hurry up about it. I don't care now."
In which secret defiance she was able to luxuriate--since he was still in the office, not gone from her forever!--till five o'clock, when the detached young men of offices are wont to face another evening of lonely irrelevancy, and desperately begin to reach for companionship.
At that hour Walter rushed up and begged, "Goldie, you _must_ come out with me this evening."
"I'm sorry, but it's so late--"
"Oh, I know. Gee! if you knew how I've been thinking about you all day! I've been wondering if I ought to-- I'm no good; blooming waster, I told myself; and I wondered if I had any right to try to make you care; but-- Oh, you _must_ come, Goldie!"
Una's pride steeled her. A woman can forgive any vice of man more readily than she can forgive his not loving her so unhesitatingly that he will demand her without stopping to think of his vices. Refusal to sacrifice the beloved is not a virtue in youth.
Una said, clearly, "I am sorry, but I can't possibly this evening."
"Well--wish you could," he sighed.
As he moved away Una reveled in having refused his half-hearted invitation, but already she was aware that she would regret it. She was shaken with woman's fiercely possessive clinging to love.
The light on one side of her desk was shut off by the bulky presence of Miss Moynihan. She whispered, huskily, "Say, Miss Golden, you want to watch out for that Babson fellow. He acts like he was stuck on you. Say, listen; everybody says he's a bad one. Say, listen, honest; they say he'd compromise a lady jus' soon as not."
"Why, I don't know what you mean."
"Oh no, like fun you don't--him rubbering at you all day and pussy-footing around!"
"Why, you're perfectly crazy! He was merely asking me about some papers--"
"Oh yes, sure! Lemme tell you, a lady can't be none too careful about her reputation with one of them skinny, dark devils like a Dago snooping around."
"Why, you're absolutely ridiculous! Besides, how do you know Mr. Babson is bad? Has he ever hurt anybody in the office?"
"No, but they say--"
"'They say'!"
"Now don't you go and get peeved after you and me been such good friends, Miss Golden. I don't know that this Babson fellow ever done anything worse than eat cracker-jack at South Beach, but I was just telling you what they all say--how he drinks and goes with a lot of totties and all; but--but he's all right if you say so, and--honest t' Gawd, Miss Golden, listen, honest, I wouldn't knock him for nothing if I thought he was your fellow! And," in admiration, "and him an editor! Gee!"
Una tried to see herself as a princess forgiving her honest servitor. But, as a matter of fact, she was plain angry that her romance should be dragged into the nastiness of office gossip. She resented being a stenographer, one who couldn't withdraw into a place for dreams. And she fierily defended Walter in her mind; throbbed with a big, sweet pity for her nervous, aspiring boy whose quest for splendor made him seem wild to the fools about them.
When, just at five-thirty, Walter charged up to her again, she met him with a smile of unrestrained intimacy.
"If you're going to be home at _all_ this evening, let me come up just for fifteen minutes!" he demanded.
"Yes!" she said, breathlessly. "Oh, I oughtn't to, but--come up at nine."
Sec. 2
Una had always mechanically liked children; had ejaculated, "Oh, the pink little darling!" over each neighborhood infant; had pictured children of her own; but never till that night had the desire to feel her own baby's head against her breast been a passion. After dinner she sat on the stoop of her apartment-house, watching the children at play between motors on the street.
"Oh, it would be wonderful to have a baby--a boy like Walter must have been--to nurse and pet and cry over!" she declared, as she watched a baby of faint, brown ringlets--hair that would be black like Walter's. Later she chided herself for being so bold, so un-Panamanian; but she was proud to know that she could long for the pressure of a baby's lips. The brick-walled street echoed with jagged cries of children; tired women in mussed waists poked their red, steamy necks out of windows; the sky was a blur of gray; and, lest she forget the job, Una's left wrist ached from typing; yet she heard the rustle of spring, and her spirit swelled with thankfulness as she felt her life to be not a haphazard series of days, but a divine progress.
Walter was coming--to-night!
She was conscious of her mother, up-stairs. From her place of meditation she had to crawl up the many steps to the flat and answer at least twenty questions as to what she had been doing. Of Walter's coming she could say nothing; she could not admit her interest in a man she did not know.
At a quarter to nine she ventured to say, ever so casually: "I feel sort of headachy. I think I'll run down and sit on the steps again and get a little fresh air."
"Let's have a little walk. I'd like some fresh air, too," said Mrs. Golden, brightly.
"Why--oh--to tell the truth, I wanted to think over some office business."
"Oh, of course, my dear, if I am in the _way_--!" Mrs. Golden sighed, and trailed pitifully off into the bedroom.
Una followed her, and wanted to comfort her. But she could say nothing, because she was palpitating over Walter's coming. The fifteen minutes of his stay might hold any splendor.
She could not change her clothes. Her mother was in the bedroom, sobbing.
All the way down the four flights of stairs she wanted to flee back to her mother. It was with a cold impatience that she finally saw Walter approach the house, ten minutes late. He was so grotesque in his frantic, puffing hurry. He was no longer the brilliant Mr. Babson, but a moist young man who hemmed and sputtered, "Gee!--couldn't find clean collar--hustled m' head off--just missed Subway express--couldn't make it--whew, I'm hot!"
"It doesn't matter," she condescended.
He dropped on the step just below her and mopped his forehead. Neither of them could say anything. He took off his horn-rimmed eye-glasses, carefully inserted the point of a pencil through the loop, swung them in a buzzing circle, and started to put them on again.
"Oh, keep them _off_!" she snapped. "You look so high-brow with them!"
"Y-yuh; why, s-sure!"
She felt very superior.
He feverishly ran a finger along the upper rim of his left ear, sprang up, stooped to take her hand, glared into her eyes till she shrank--and then a nail-cleaner, a common, ten-cent file, fell out of his inner pocket and clinked on the stone step.
"Oh, damn!" he groaned.
"I really think it _is_ going to rain," she said.
They both laughed.
He plumped down beside her, uncomfortably wedged between her and the rail. He caught her hand, intertwined their fingers so savagely that her knuckles hurt. "Look here," he commanded, "you don't really think it's going to rain any such a darn thing! I've come fourteen billion hot miles up here for just fifteen minutes--yes, and you wanted to see me yourself, too! And now you want to talk about the history of recent rains."
In the bitter-sweet spell of his clasp she was oblivious of street, children, sky. She tried to withdraw her hand, but he squeezed her fingers the more closely and their two hands dropped on her thin knee, which tingled to the impact.
"But--but what did you want to see me about?" Her superiority was burnt away.
He answered her hesitation with a trembling demand. "I can't talk to you here! Can't we go some place-- Come walk toward the river."
"Oh, I daren't really, Walter. My mother feels so--so fidgety to-night and I must go back to her.... By and by."
"But would you like to go with me?"
"Yes!"
"Then that's all that matters!"
"Perhaps--perhaps we could go up on the roof here for just a few minutes. Then I must send you home."
"Hooray! Come on."
He boldly lifted her to her feet, followed her up the stairs. On the last dark flight, near the roof, he threw both arms about her and kissed her. She was amazed that she did not want to kiss him back, that his abandon did not stir her. Even while she was shocked and afraid, he kissed again, and she gave way to his kiss; her cold mouth grew desirous.
She broke away, with shocked pride--shocked most of all at herself, that she let him kiss her thus.
"You quiver so to my kiss!" he whispered, in awe.
"I don't!" she denied. "It just doesn't mean anything."
"It does, and you know it does. I had to kiss you. Oh, sweetheart, sweetheart, we are both so lonely! Kiss me."
"No, no!" She held him away from her.
"Yes, I tell you!"
She encircled his neck with her arm, laid her cheek beside his chin, rejoiced boundlessly in the man roughness of his chin, of his coat-sleeve, the man scent of him--scent of tobacco and soap and hair. She opened her lips to his. Slowly she drew her arm from about his neck, his arm from about her waist.
"Walter!" she mourned, "I did want you. But you must be good to me--not kiss me like that--not now, anyway, when I'm lonely for you and can't resist you.... Oh, it wasn't wrong, was it, when we needed each other so? It wasn't wrong, was it?"
"Oh no--no!"
"But not--not again--not for a long while. I want you to respect me. Maybe it wasn't wrong, dear, but it was terribly dangerous. Come, let's stand out in the cool air on the roof for a while and then you must go home."
They came out on the flat, graveled roof, round which all the glory of the city was blazing, and hand in hand, in a confidence delicately happy now, stood worshiping the spring.
"Dear," he said, "I feel as though I were a robber who had gone crashing right through the hedge around your soul, and then after that come out in a garden--the sweetest, coolest garden.... I _will_ try to be good to you--and for you." He kissed her finger-tips.
"Yes, you did break through. At first it was just a kiss and the--oh, it was _the_ kiss, and there wasn't anything else. Oh, do let me live in the little garden still."
"Trust me, dear."
"I will trust you. Come. I must go down now."
"Can I come to see you?"
"Yes."
"Goldie, listen," he said, as they came down-stairs to her hallway. "Any time you'd like to marry me--I don't advise it, I guess I'd have good intentions, but be a darn poor hand at putting up shelves--but any time you'd like to marry me, or any of those nice conventional things, just lemme know, will you? Not that it matters much. What matters is, I want to kiss you good-night."
"No, what matters is, I'm not going to let you!... Not to-night.... Good-night, dear."
She scampered down the hall. She tiptoed into the living-room, and for an hour she brooded, felt faint and ashamed at her bold response to his kiss, yet wanted to feel his sharp-ridged lips again. Sometimes in a bitter frankness she told herself that Walter had never even thought of marriage till their kiss had fired him. She swore to herself that she would not give all her heart to love; that she would hold him off and make him value her precious little store of purity and tenderness. But passion and worry together were lost in a prayer for him. She knelt by the window till her own individuality was merged with that of the city's million lovers.
Sec. 3
Like sickness and war, the office grind absorbs all personal desires. Love and ambition and wisdom it turns to its own purposes. Every day Una and Walter saw each other. Their hands touched as he gave her papers to file; there was affection in his voice when he dictated, and once, outside the office door, he kissed her. Yet their love was kept suspended. They could not tease each other and flirt raucously, like the telephone-girl and the elevator-starter.
Every day he begged her to go to dinner with him, to let him call at the flat, and after a week she permitted him to come.
Sec. 4
At dinner, when Una told her mother that a young gentleman at the office--in fact, Mr. Babson, the editor whose dictation she took--was going to call that evening, Mrs. Golden looked pleased, and said: "Isn't that nice! Why, you never told mother he was interested in you!"
"Well, of course, we kind of work together--"
"I do hope he's a nice, respectful young man, not one of these city people that flirt and drink cocktails and heaven knows what all!"
"Why, uh--I'm sure you'll like him. Everybody says he's the cleverest fellow in the shop."
"Office, dear, not shop.... Is he-- Does he get a big salary?"
"Why, mums, I'm sure I haven't the slightest idea! How should I know?"
"Well, I just asked.... Will you put on your pink-and-white crepe?"
"Don't you think the brown silk would be better?"
"Why, Una, I want you to look your prettiest! You must make all the impression you can."
"Well, perhaps I'd better," Una said, demurely.
Despite her provincial training, Mrs. Golden had a much better instinct for dress than her sturdy daughter. So long as she was not left at home alone, her mild selfishness did not make her want to interfere with Una's interests. She ah'd and oh'd over the torn border of Una's crepe dress, and mended it with quick, pussy-like movements of her fingers. She tried to arrange Una's hair so that its pale golden texture would shine in broad, loose undulations, and she was as excited as Una when they heard Walter's bouncing steps in the hall, his nervous tap at the door, his fumbling for a push-button.
Una dashed wildly to the bedroom for a last nose-powdering, a last glance at her hair and nails, and slowly paraded to the door to let him in, while Mrs. Golden stood primly, with folded hands, like a cabinet photograph of 1885.
So the irregular Walter came into a decidedly regular atmosphere and had to act like a pure-minded young editor.
They conversed--Lord! how they conversed! Mrs. Golden respectably desired to know Mr. Babson's opinions on the weather, New-Yorkers, her little girl Una's work, fashionable city ministers, the practical value of motor-cars, and the dietetic value of beans--the large, white beans, not the small, brown ones--she had grown both varieties in her garden at home (Panama, Pennsylvania, when Mr. Golden, Captain Golden he was usually called, was alive)--and had Mr. Babson ever had a garden, or seen Panama? And was Una _really_ attending to her duties?
All the while Mrs. Golden's canary trilled approval of the conversation.
Una listened, numbed, while Walter kept doing absurd things with his face--pinched his lips and tapped his teeth and rubbed his jaw as though he needed a shave. He took off his eye-glasses to wipe them and tied his thin legs in a knot, and all the while said, "Yes, there's certainly a great deal to that."
At a quarter to ten Mrs. Golden rose, indulged in a little kitten yawn behind her silvery hand, and said: "Well, I think I must be off to bed.... I find these May days so languid. Don't you, Mr. Babson? Spring fever. I just can't seem to get enough sleep.... Now you mustn't stay up _too_ late, Una dear."
The bedroom door had not closed before Walter had darted from his chair, picked Una up, his hands pressing tight about her knees and shoulders, kissed her, and set her down beside him on the couch.
"Wasn't I good, huh? Wasn't I good, huh? Wasn't I? Now who says Wally Babson ain't a good parlor-pup, huh? Oh, you old darling, you were twice as agonized as me!"
And that was all he said--in words. Between them was a secret, a greater feeling of unfettered intimacy, because together they had been polite to mother--tragic, pitiful mother, who had been enjoying herself so much without knowing that she was in the way. That intimacy needed no words to express it; hands and cheeks and lips spoke more truly. They were children of emotion, young and crude and ignorant, groping for life and love, all the world new to them, despite their sorrows and waiting. They were clerklings, not lords of love and life, but all the more easily did they yield to longing for happiness. Between them was the battle of desire and timidity--and not all the desire was his, not hers all the timidity. She fancied sometimes that he was as much afraid as was she of debasing their shy seeking into unveiled passion. Yet his was the initiative; always she panted and wondered what he would do next, feared and wondered and rebuked--and desired.
He abruptly drew her head to his shoulder, smoothed her hair. She felt his fingers again communicate to her every nerve a tingling electric force. She felt his lips quest along her cheek and discover the soft little spot just behind her ear. She followed the restless course of his hands across her shoulders, down her arm, lingeringly over her hand. His hand seemed to her to have an existence quite apart from him, to have a mysterious existence of its own. In silence they rested there. She kept wondering if his shoulder had not been made just for her cheek. With little shivers she realized that this was his shoulder, Walter's, a man's, as the rough cloth prickled her skin. Silent they were, and for a time secure, but she kept speculating as to what he would dare to do next--and she fancied that he was speculating about precisely the same thing.
He drew a catching breath, and suddenly her lips were opening to his.
"Oh, you mustn't--you promised--" she moaned, when she was able to draw back her head.
Again he kissed her, quickly, then released her and began to talk rapidly of--nothing. Apropos of offices and theaters and the tides of spring, he was really telling her that, powerful though his restless curiosity was, greatly though their poor little city bodies craved each other, yet he did respect her. She scarce listened, for at first she was bemused by two thoughts. She was inquiring sorrowfully whether it was only her body that stirred him--whether he found any spark in her honest little mind. And, for her second thought, she was considering in an injured way that this was not love as she had read of it in novels. "I didn't know just what it would be--but I didn't think it would be like this," she declared.
Love, as depicted in such American novels by literary pastors and matrons of perfect purity as had sifted into the Panama public library, was an affair of astounding rescues from extreme peril, of highly proper walks in lanes, of laudable industry on the part of the hero, and of not more than three kisses--one on the brow, one on the cheek, and, in the very last paragraph of the book, one daringly but reverently deposited upon the lips. These young heroes and heroines never thought about bodies at all, except when they had been deceived in a field of asterisks. So to Una there was the world-old shock at the earthiness of love--and the penetrating joy of that earthiness. If real love was so much more vulgar than she had supposed, yet also it was so much more overwhelming that she was glad to be a flesh-and-blood lover, bruised and bewildered and estranged from herself, instead of a polite murmurer.
Gradually she was drawn back into a real communion with him when he damned the human race for serfs fighting in a dungeon, warring for land, for flags, for titles, and calling themselves kings. Walter took the same theories of socialism, single-tax, unionism, which J. J. Todd, of Chatham, had hacked out in commercial-college days, and he made them bleed and yawp and be hotly human. For the first time--Walter was giving her so many of those First Times of life!--Una realized how strong is the demand of the undermen for a conscious and scientific justice. She denied that stenographers could ever form a union, but she could not answer his acerb, "Why not?"
It was not in the patiently marching Una to be a creative thinker, yet she did hunger for self-mastery, and ardently was she following the erratic gibes at civilization with which young Walter showed his delight in having an audience, when the brown, homely Golden family clock struck eleven.
"Heavens!" she cried. "You must run home at once. Good-night, dear."
He rose obediently, nor did their lips demand each other again.
Her mother awoke to yawn. "He is a very polite young man, but I don't think he is solid enough for you, dearie. If he comes again, do remind me to show him the kodaks of your father, like I promised."
Then Una began to ponder the problem which is so weighty to girls of the city--where she could see her lover, since the parks were impolite and her own home obtrusively dull to him.
Whether Walter was a peril or not, whether or not his love was angry and red and full of hurts, yet she knew that it was more to her than her mother or her conventions or her ambitious little job. Thus gladly confessing, she fell asleep, and a new office day began, for always the office claims one again the moment that the evening's freedom is over. _